My daughter overheard another parent commenting negatively on other players in sport team

[Guiltridden12345]

My daughter is in a sports team where the standard is incredibly (unusually) high. She has only played a couple of years so isn’t that good but loves it. There’s a noticeable divide between the girls who are really good and those who aren’t - think mean girl shit - and the club has tried to address that. The coaches are amazing.

At a match recently, my daughter was on the sidelines and heard a mum of one of these girls saying ‘x needs to come off, they can’t play and y can, why is she on the pitch’. She was also approaching the coach about tactics. She doesn’t play the sport herself. I messaged the coach after to say what DD* had heard as I felt it was inappropriate. I’ve heard nothing back. Aibu to send a chaser saying ‘id really like to know what you think?

I don’t think parents should be allowed to watch if they try to get involved in coaching or slagging off players, but I’m not sporty and wonder if this is normal. Aibu?

MNHQ EDITED CHILD'S NAME

Good advice, thank you.

@Guiltridden12345

This happens in sport unfortunately. What is most important is that your DD isn’t put off or had her self esteem damaged by the comment

Flip the narrative! It’s sad as hell to be so overinvested in grass roots sport. It’s just a game and this parent wants to get a damn grip

Broadly, I'm in the "parents on the sidelines should be kind, supportive etc" camp so I get why this is frustrating.

But, I would be far more annoyed about her habit of telling the coach what to do than about her having a bit of a moan to another parent that one of the children isn't as good and it's negatively impacting the team's performance. It's definitely a bit mean to say it where other people can hear, but I don't think it's massively surprising she was thinking it.

It becomes a problem when it creates a bad vibe, when they're yelling at the kids directly or interfering in the coach's decision making.

this behaviour makes us even more keen to stay away. Who wants to spend 2/3 hours on a Sunday with this kind of twat?

I agree it’s not great behaviour and letting the coach know is fine. Where you’re veering into BU territory is following up as if you are owed a report on what action has taken place. You aren’t owed that information any more than the complaining parent has a right to have input on tactics.

It is strange at age 13 for teams not to be graded so that players are of a similar standard. It’s more fun for everyone when there aren’t big disparities in ability.

And it’s so sad that you think it would somehow be ok to audibly slag off a child’s performance if they had been ‘detrimental to the outcome’.

🤣I said that DP banned some parents from the touchline. I suspect there are a few on this thread who would be on his list!!

These girls are 13 years old. There is a level of most sports that is non-competitive and just for fun. But by the age of 13, there is also a level of developing athletes for serious competition. They would be at a major disadvantage internationally if the good players weren't properly competing by the age of 13.

If it's a big enough sport, there will be different leagues and levels of competition. If it's a minority sport, there will be less choice at that age, but in my sport we still have people who turn up to training for fun but don't want to compete. But you really can't impose non-competitive sport on 13 year olds.

Wow, I can't believe the comments you're getting OP.
Is this an elite level competition that you and other parents have forced your lower ability kids into? Because if not, that was disgusting behaviour from that parent. They can think it to themselves, or talk about it in private, but to say it in earshot of the other girls, with whom there's already a divide and bitchiness, is terrible. Of course the coach should be having a word, and yes I would follow up.

And you REALLY can't see the difference between parents going into fights with the ref, with someone overheard saying "why is xyz playing"?

This thread is nuts indeed.

The irony is that the OP is trying to do what most reasonable people are against: side-coach and tell the actual coach what to do and how to manage things when she admits herself she hasn't got a clue😂

The last thing the coach needs is someone who has no clue about the sport but is offended on his behalf when another pushy parent is overheard trying to talk tactics with him.

Well
It was
She was talking privately to the coach
Your daughter happened to listen in

I didn't say it was OK to do it the way it was done, I did say it might have been a justifiable comment, which could have been handled differently. Presumably it was a one off but as you don't take part you'll never know. At least the "twats" are there week in week out......

Also, as PP have said, you're turning into a parent as bad if you try and tell the coach how they should deal with parents...

If my child is playing poorly then I would absolutely say it myself.

Yes that’s exactly what I said.

Are you always so wildly over the top?

The OP says the standard in the team is unusually high. So it stands to reason that if a poorer player is on the pitch for the sake of everyone getting a turn then that standard is going to be lowered which will affect the game.

It doesn’t need to be the World Cup to mean something to kids. It can be Division 8 or the premier league, the whole point in playing is to win.

No - 2 different things:

dd overheard her talking to ANOTHER PARENT about the match and that x wasn’t good enough/should be taken off.

dd overheard the same parent trying to tell the coach what to do on other issues as well.

both comments overheard from the Team bench.

My beef is with the first; coach is well able to handle the second. I didn’t know if he’d heard the first comment, which is why I told him.

Your poor child.

I agree with this. Waltzing along to catch the last few minutes then moaning about the more engaged parents seems pretty off to me.

No it’s grassroots local sports club.

😂 he’s alright and doesn’t need your sympathy thanks. He knows when he hasn’t played well and will ask us as his parents our thoughts and I think probably appreciates that we don’t lie to him and tell him he was brilliant and the best player on the pitch because he knows himself when he wasn’t.

My 2 kids play in a sports team and we play a fair amount of league matches across london. And over the years I've noticed that some clubs are more aggressive and others less so. Our club isn't the best but is decent and all kids will generally " get a turn" even if less good. The better players tend to play the whole match. For absolutely critical matches sometimes the worse players wont get much of a go (eg. Last chance match to move up a league or something). The parents are all supportive and we'll clap a good move from the opponents as well as supporting our team.
Other teams seem to vary from ones with similar ethos, I've had parents come up from the opposing team and give my DC praise, to one's who are horrible and shouting and aggressive and shouting nasty things. That has been consistent across the years and even affects the style of play of the game (kids seem to play more aggressively and more fouls etc).
If this club has and tolerates parents like this then this may not be the club for you. You've done the right thing and informed the coach, if it doesn't change, then frankly I'd be changing clubs.

What a shame he can’t just play for the enjoyment of sport though?

it’s clear from this thread that this behaviour is not unusual and even accepted practice. that makes me sad. I worry for these kids whose parents are so over invested in their child’s (non elite level) sport that the they dissect their performance and pass judgment on their peers’ performances. Feels like trying to live out one’s own unfulfilled fantasies via one’s children.

Indeed, the OP has this air of disdain about the whole thing, to the extent of not even bothering to stay for matches. My daughter plays football at a similar age and the absolute norm is for at least one parent to stay, cheer, support etc. lf I were a coach I'd not be inclined to pay too much attention to someone who is so peripheral and who's only engagement is to complain about the behaviour of another parent which was not even witnessed by her.

We both work and have other children, we can’t stay. And with this toxic atmosphere, I wouldn’t want to.

If it’s any consolation @Guiltridden12345 I was way too mouthy at 13 and I’d have probably told her to get a life myself 😁