Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My daughter overheard another parent commenting negatively on other players in sport team

181 replies

Guiltridden12345 · 05/10/2023 08:10

My daughter is in a sports team where the standard is incredibly (unusually) high. She has only played a couple of years so isn’t that good but loves it. There’s a noticeable divide between the girls who are really good and those who aren’t - think mean girl shit - and the club has tried to address that. The coaches are amazing.

At a match recently, my daughter was on the sidelines and heard a mum of one of these girls saying ‘x needs to come off, they can’t play and y can, why is she on the pitch’. She was also approaching the coach about tactics. She doesn’t play the sport herself. I messaged the coach after to say what DD* had heard as I felt it was inappropriate. I’ve heard nothing back. Aibu to send a chaser saying ‘id really like to know what you think?

I don’t think parents should be allowed to watch if they try to get involved in coaching or slagging off players, but I’m not sporty and wonder if this is normal. Aibu?

MNHQ EDITED CHILD'S NAME

OP posts:
MumblesParty · 05/10/2023 10:14

EddieHowesShithousingMags · 05/10/2023 10:00

Honestly it is frustrating when a coach insists on ‘everyone having a turn’ when what the team actually want to do is win the game.

I agree that everyone in the team should be of a similar level so as to avoid this issue.

This mother should not be trying to influence the coach but I don’t see the issue of her saying what she said so long as it wasn’t screamed at poor X.

This

EaudeJavel · 05/10/2023 10:15

LarkspurLane · 05/10/2023 10:13

This is also partly why teenage girls give up sport. They think they are not good enough.
X will know what was said because the others will tell her.
Sport should be for everyone, and those who are really good, there are competitive environments where they can play.
It really is the worst when your child is a second division under 12 year old and people are still saying that they shouldn't get five minutes on the pitch in case it affects the result.

those who are really good, there are competitive environments where they can play.

sounds like it's exactly the set up here though, not an afterschool club opened to everyone.

Original poster
Guiltridden12345 · 05/10/2023 10:16

EaudeJavel · 05/10/2023 10:14

breaking news, it happens all the time. It's VERY rare there's not some disgruntled bored parent moaning about something.

It's about sports, about the lead role in the play that year, the star of the month. It doesn't matter, no one cares, and you need to teach your children to ignore. They are 13, not 4!

Sometimes people comment because they have a point, a player is not good, most often is because they are jealous their kid hasn't got the spot. Who cares.

Show quote history

Who cares? The kids who overheard it. I’m just glad that my daughter seemed to instinctively know this was wrong.

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 05/10/2023 10:17

13 year olds playing at high level will be acutely aware of each others ability level. If they can't hear that another player is weaker then they should play for their school, not a competitive team.

AngeloMysterioso · 05/10/2023 10:18

I don’t get the fuss to be honest. She made a remark to another person about one girl not being as good at the sport as another. It’s not like she called the girl fat or ugly or stupid.

Wingedharpy · 05/10/2023 10:20

My sympathies are with the coach.

threecupsofteaminimum · 05/10/2023 10:20

Unfortunately, participating in any sport opens the door to peoples opinions, that's what it's all about, free speech is having the freedom to impart opinions and ideas without interference.

If this is too much for you perhaps a non sporting hobby with a more genteel camaraderie would suit.

BlurredEdges · 05/10/2023 10:21

EddieHowesShithousingMags · 05/10/2023 10:00

Honestly it is frustrating when a coach insists on ‘everyone having a turn’ when what the team actually want to do is win the game.

I agree that everyone in the team should be of a similar level so as to avoid this issue.

This mother should not be trying to influence the coach but I don’t see the issue of her saying what she said so long as it wasn’t screamed at poor X.

You're right, how are they ever going to win the World Cup if they let Phoebe in Woking play for 10 minutes?

ColdEvenings · 05/10/2023 10:22

This thread embodies everything that is wrong with mumnset, modern parenting and grass roots sport!

Bet these posters would be the first to post the ridiculous #BeKind on their socials!

OP walk away from this thread, you are right. They are wrong!

As I posted (badly) before I'm the parent of a world class athlete and know that the parents that moan and complain the most about other kids are the ones with the most talentless kids! Not that they think so!!

Fuck me. I am so old! Slagging off another kid in the earshot of other players is now deemed appropriate behaviour by adults! Blimey!

Dnendns · 05/10/2023 10:23

Guiltridden12345 · 05/10/2023 10:04

Wow.

I wonder if all these people who think it’s ok to slag off a child player would be ok if X were their child. or if the issue were a parent at the school gates saying in front of other kids ‘X is shit at maths, she shouldn’t be in the top set’.

Show quote history

if you were shit at maths you wouldn’t be in top set.

and if my daughter was terrible at a sport then I’d remove her and find one she was good at instead. Better then the whole team resenting her for being shit and letting them down all the time.

EaudeJavel · 05/10/2023 10:24

Guiltridden12345 · 05/10/2023 10:16

Who cares? The kids who overheard it. I’m just glad that my daughter seemed to instinctively know this was wrong.

Show quote history

nothing instinctive for a 13 year old to know a negative comment is not pleasant, my 5 year old knows that🙄

A teenager in a competitive team activity hearing a negative comment about their performance? It happens, I hope they are more resilient than you making such a drama about it.

ColdEvenings · 05/10/2023 10:25

@BlurredEdges

You're right, how are they ever going to win the World Cup if they let Phoebe in Woking play for 10 minutes?

Perfect!! That's exactly it!! Best to let poor Phoebe sit shivering on the bench week on week so that Moonbeam Betsy has her chance to shine and be picked up for England!!

Dnendns · 05/10/2023 10:26

ColdEvenings · 05/10/2023 10:08

It's parents like you that spoil grass roots sport.

If your daughter is that bloody good go and get her onto a professional team ... oh wait she ain't that good after all is she? Mediocre eh?

For what it's worth my teenage kid is a world class athlete and is in a national team. And when she was tiny they were the best in shit teams, but you know what? Neither of us cared because it was fun, they was with their friends.

Because they were that good, they were spotted and is now competing nationally. I'm not saying this to brag, it's not a good life for a parent, but to say that letting all kids have a chance to play will not spoil any natural athletes "chance"!

Parents like you spoil it all.

Show quote history

You say.. ‘For what it’s worth’

Your brag… Its worth nothing to me.

EaudeJavel · 05/10/2023 10:27

ColdEvenings · 05/10/2023 10:22

This thread embodies everything that is wrong with mumnset, modern parenting and grass roots sport!

Bet these posters would be the first to post the ridiculous #BeKind on their socials!

OP walk away from this thread, you are right. They are wrong!

As I posted (badly) before I'm the parent of a world class athlete and know that the parents that moan and complain the most about other kids are the ones with the most talentless kids! Not that they think so!!

Fuck me. I am so old! Slagging off another kid in the earshot of other players is now deemed appropriate behaviour by adults! Blimey!

No one said it was to be encouraged, but it's not something you can police. People are allowed to speak.

What's the solution? Banning parents entirely? It might be ok at 13 but some of our kids actually like for their parents to watch them perform. Why should we all be punished because a random mum got offended because the parent in a competitive team made comments?

xILikeJamx · 05/10/2023 10:28

There's a few different points:

The person making the comment is an arsehole. Other players will not learn and improve if they don't play. Children's sport should be non-competitive and about encouraging players to learn and develop.

Approaching the coach to offer tactics makes them an even bigger arsehole. The coach should be firm enough to tell them to sod off.

You messaging the coach about what happened is fine.

The coach should deal with this in the way they see fit. It would make sense to send you a reply like "Thanks for bringing this to my attention", but they absolutely should not say anything further to you.

You would be totally BU to chase up the coach. Don't do that.

Dnendns · 05/10/2023 10:28

SomersetBrie · 05/10/2023 10:02

If you said your child was frustrated or other members of the team were frustrated, then you might have a point.
If my child is on a team, I want them to play, I don't really care if that makes other parents frustrated.
(if the team is high level really, then everyone should be good)

Show quote history

It’s obviously not the case though about everyone being good in high level…. The OP team is proof of that.

CitizenofGotham · 05/10/2023 10:29

Aw that's a shame. I remember at school I was really excited to play for the football team but I admit I wasn't very good, mainly because the coach didn't actually tell us about tactics or anything, practice consisted of shooting at the goal (despite me being a defender 🤔)

Anyway, when I was put in and a better player taken off I felt awful and begged not to go on, and ended up dreading the matches. Hearing a parent saying that would've devastated me. Does the coach help the players who aren't as good? I can see it from both sides but think the parent should keep that to themselves, definitely not say it on the sidelines for everyone to hear.

SomersetBrie · 05/10/2023 10:30

Dnendns · 05/10/2023 10:28

It’s obviously not the case though about everyone being good in high level…. The OP team is proof of that.

Show quote history

According to some sideline parents that is.
You don't know more than that.

ColdEvenings · 05/10/2023 10:32

No one said it was to be encouraged, but it's not something you can police. People are allowed to speak.

Of course it can be policed!!!

Code of conduct for parents. If you break it your kid doesn't play the next game!!

At some football matches parents physically fight the ref! I think in this weeks news there was film of a parent (a dad of course) chasing a ref off the pitch!

This is grass roots sport! Where we want to encourage our kids not scare them off by abusing them!

This thread is completely nuts!!

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 05/10/2023 10:33

They spoke to the coach when they said it

We don't know if at the time coach said "Mrs G. Your comments are inappropriate. These are just kids playing for fun" because you are going off what your daughter has relayed

The coach will also be aware the comments were made

Leave it

She's not screaming it across the pitch, she was having a private conversation

Original poster
Guiltridden12345 · 05/10/2023 10:34

MorrisZapp · 05/10/2023 10:17

13 year olds playing at high level will be acutely aware of each others ability level. If they can't hear that another player is weaker then they should play for their school, not a competitive team.

Crikey. It’s not from her peers, it’s from a parent who doesn’t play the sport.

OP posts:
Original poster
Guiltridden12345 · 05/10/2023 10:35

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 05/10/2023 10:33

They spoke to the coach when they said it

We don't know if at the time coach said "Mrs G. Your comments are inappropriate. These are just kids playing for fun" because you are going off what your daughter has relayed

The coach will also be aware the comments were made

Leave it

She's not screaming it across the pitch, she was having a private conversation

But it wasn’t private, was it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Guiltridden12345 · 05/10/2023 10:35

SomersetBrie · 05/10/2023 10:30

According to some sideline parents that is.
You don't know more than that.

Show quote history

Quite!!!

OP posts:
Fink · 05/10/2023 10:36

Different issues to address:

If there is such a sharp divide between the standard of some of the players, are there enough players available to create an A and a B team? You and other parents could volunteer to take on some of the admin to reduce the excess workload on the coachs.

In some sports there are specific provisions in the rules to penalise (and eventually send off) spectators who engage in 'unsportsmanlike' behaviour. I referee in one of these. If I'd heard this as a one-off comment, I would have given the parent a verbal warning but nothing more. It was an unkind thing to say, but not the worst. The girls are 13 - they understand who in the team is a good player and who isn't. I know there aren't such provisions in your sport, but just as a guideline as to what constitutes a sending off offence.

If I'd been the coach, I wouldn't have appreciated a non-trained parent giving me tactical advice. But I would have dealt with it privately with the parent, I wouldn't like another parent (who hadn't even been there) reporting on it.

If I were you, I wouldn't follow up the email, drop it. But I would look into the possibilty of an A and B team.

Timeforchangeithink · 05/10/2023 10:36

Here's a thought @Guiltridden12345 why don't you be one of the parents staying for the match, supporting the team and helping out. You could also use this time to "educate" others on what you think is the right way to behave. You say you maybe catch the last few minutes so actually maybe the young person they were commenting on had been detrimental to the outcome. Unless you participate as a supportive parent and team member you really aren't in a place to comment are you.