To think this wasn’t ‘a joke’? Would you do anything about it?

[Okkf]

Had a return to work catch up this morning with the team (7 of us). I come back from maternity leave next Monday. One of the senior men stayed on longer to talk about a specific thing. Just before he logged out he said well I better get back to work, your holiday won’t pay for itself! And laughed. I feel really weird about it. He is a bit of a joker and no doubt he would say it was a joke but I feel angry about it. Weirdly only minutes before he had been saying how hard it was being a stay at home parent?! Am I being sensitive as I’m back to work after 7 months off?

Might be normal in your world but it’s not normal or a joke in the 21st century. To clarify, it’s not a joke because it’s not funny. If someone referred to maternity leave as a holiday in my workplace they’d get eaten alive. I’m glad we’ve moved on from the times when it was acceptable to say things like this.

I would put it in an email to him and say:-
“With regards to your comment yesterday about me being on Holiday and that you had to terminate our conversation because you had to get back to work due to my “time off” which in actual fact is maternity leave, could you please specify your terminology as to what the difference is between “time off” and “maternity leave” is, for future reference, thank you.”
Send a copy of this to HR and ask them if this is some sort of discrimination and see where it goes. What a sexist wan**r! These comments should not still exist in the work place in 2023!

I think you may have had easy babies. I certainly don’t have freedom and am certainly not pottering around! Going back to work will be a holiday in comparison. Here’s a tip - not everyone has the same experience as you :)

Let it go. Just silly Office banter which is really meaningless. A clumsy joke. Just go back to work and settle back in. That’s a job in itself!!

You are being over sensitive. His joke was lame and wasn’t meant to offend. Get over it.

I don't think it's "snowflake territory" and I would have been annoyed by this remark. As they say there is "many a true word spoke in jest" and perhaps this is an example.

Even if it was meant to be a "joke", I think there is an underlying passive aggressiveness.

However, there's not much you can do about it now. I expect you were shocked by the remark and were unable to respond "what holiday"? If there are further examples, however, I would make a note of what was said and when. It is quite common for women returning from pregnancy to be gradually edged out of their jobs.

I don't get why men get jealous either because looking after a young baby and doing all the other domestic duties is exhausting, and there is often little appreciation of this. To have it referred to as "holiday" is just so wrong.

I'd take it as a joke, and Iet it go, but onIy because he said moments before that being a stay at home parent is incredibIy hard. A poor joke, but a joke.

Pretty unprofessional thing for a senior colleague to say and I think a lot of people would find it irritating. It’s always senior men in companies that come out with these “hilarious” comments, never senior female colleagues. Funny that. Many years ago, I lost my grandfather in horrific circumstances (he went missing for two weeks then his body was found in a river) and I had taken time off to be with my family. When I came back on of the directors said “nice holiday?”. I was really upset and asked did he not know why I’d been off. He said yes he did, but he didn’t know what to say, so he thought he’d make a joke to lighten things up! I really don’t get why these types can’t just say nothing at all, rather than something stupid/hurtful/irritating.

Why would it bother me? People make bad jokes all the time doesn't have to be about me

I would roll my eyes and get on with my day

Typical of attitudes towards mothers and what pushes women to go back to 'work'. Childbearing and rearing are seen as luxuries and the women who do them and stay at home as economically inactive and unemployed. This is not the liberation we wanted. We are pushing women into work and children into child care when we would mostly be better off with a choice about this. Women did not use to be expected to go back to work after having a baby.

Maternity leave is morally and legally “time off.” The very first words on the government web page are “When you take time off to have a baby”

Sure, it’s not a holiday but some people use that word for any time off even if you don’t go abroad.

Sure, it’s not a holiday but some people use that word for any time off even if you don’t go abroad.

A holiday doesn't have to mean going abroad! You can go on holiday in your own country.

A loud bored sigh suggesting his joke is older than the hills is usually the best solution.

Omg, we are all so sensitive these days aren’t we.

When woman have equality in the workplace maybe there will be less sensitivity.

It was a rubbish, unfunny, untimely and tactless joke. HR would be grimacing.
If it’s his nature I’d do one of the following:
hold onto it and bring it up if he goes on holiday,
mention that it bothered you
roll your eyes and consider him having weird humour and forget about it.

mid someone else in future returns to work and you’re in a meeting, show people the better way to talk to them
its hard enough returning to work without this,

Saying sorry before à rude comment doesn't make it less rude.

Attitudes like yours are why sexism and discrimination in the workplace carry on unchallenged

Just make a point of saying to him its good to come back to work for a rest (like you do, if he's got kids)

Me too! One colleague was saying he was getting a vasectomy and he was scared, I offered to get a couple of bricks to do the job there and then, no doubt I would be sent for some kind of punishment these days.

It’s a shit joke. Next time make him explain the joke, he might realise it’s not funny and learn something.

Honestly floored by the number of people who think YANBU.

It. Was. A. Joke.

He knows it’s not a holiday. Everyone knows it’s not a holiday. Everyone knows it’s harder than work. Even if they don’t, who tf cares.

It was just a shit joke, he may even have thought to himself “shit joke” and then probably never thought about it again like a normal person.

If I witnessed this interaction, I’d think to myself “god shit joke” but then if you responded with anything along the lines of “actually my maternity leave isn’t a holiday” I’d think you were a pious bellend.

Yes, that’s a useful starting point. It makes the person repeat themselves and often reconsider the startling stupidity or offensiveness of what they have just said. Obviously, if they’re fine with repeating it, then escalate.

That is so different.

In your situation, the colleague’s comment was incredibly insensitive and unkind while you were going through an awful, traumatic time and were grieving.

In OP’s situation, the colleague just made a harmless if bad joke. Appropriate reasons range from a bad joke back, “you’d better stop chatting and get on with it then” or whatever, to a noncommittal ha, to an affected eye roll, but getting offended and taking some sort of “action” is bonkers and honestly it must be exhausting to be constantly taking stuff so much to heart when you can literally just smile and move on in two seconds.

I wouldn’t have liked it. You could have taken much longer. I’d leave it for now but his card would be marked for me. If he says it again I’d have a response ready.