To think this wasn’t ‘a joke’? Would you do anything about it?

[Okkf]

Had a return to work catch up this morning with the team (7 of us). I come back from maternity leave next Monday. One of the senior men stayed on longer to talk about a specific thing. Just before he logged out he said well I better get back to work, your holiday won’t pay for itself! And laughed. I feel really weird about it. He is a bit of a joker and no doubt he would say it was a joke but I feel angry about it. Weirdly only minutes before he had been saying how hard it was being a stay at home parent?! Am I being sensitive as I’m back to work after 7 months off?

Freedom to potter around, see friends, go on holiday, do whatever you feel like doing to spend time with your baby, how is that not a holiday?

I took 12 months for each of mine. I think it's more than a necessity to have time to rest, recover, bond with the baby and in an ideal world maternity leave should be longer, 2 years would be better, but it was something most people look forward to?

Talking about some other posters on here, you wonder why they have children in the first place if spending time at home with them is so hellish.

You’re missing the point, maybe on purpose or maybe you’re just a bit dim, I don’t know. No one is saying maternity leave is hellish, but calling it a holiday is completely belittling and damaging to parents (mostly women) in the workplace. There’s lots of information online if you are interested. Although it seems remaining ignorant might be preferable to you.

So he acknowledged that SAHParenting is hard work. He knows it isn't a holiday. I hear him mocking the perception that parenting is a holiday. He probably knows his current role is a lot more of a holiday than being at home with a baby.

If it left you feeling uncomfortable, I’d send him a quick email just telling him so, politely. Perhaps he didn’t intend it, letting him k ow gives him a chance to not make the same mistake again- perhaps he did intend it and then you have made him aware this kind of behaviour won’t go unnoticed.

if it’s affected you, a quick email will help you get closure and not stew on it.

it might be ‘just a joke’ but this stuff goes unchecked all the time and little jokes grow into a culture. It’s 2023, no more room for little jabs at working mothers.

Depressing to see so many women shrugging this casual misogyny off as a joke. If more people called it out it wouldn’t happen.

@EaudeJavel I’d say ‘well, bully for you. We can’t all afford a nanny’ or ‘wow, your nursery fees/childcare costs must’ve cost an absolute fortune’ or ‘ah well I don’t get paid enough to hire in home help’

The point is, don’t sit there and say nothing! Speak up, bite back! No point being offended after the event.

I'd keep a written record of date he said it, where you both were, time etc just in case it is the start of a pattern.

Other posters are tackling the more serious aspects to your post, but:

Going from childfree life to trying to look after a refluxy baby who cried a lot and didn't sleep, hated the pram, screamed through every baby class, screamed through every car journey and only slept on me (so no using naptime to relax or do laundry or go to the loo, and no lovely walks by the sea to clear the head as planned) was far from "freedom to potter around". I've never felt less free, more constrained, more anxious, more exhausted, less like myself.

My second baby was much easier, and I can more relate to the freedom and pottering aspect, but by then it was lockdown and I lost a parent so that leave wasn't the easiest thing either.

Comments like "you wonder why they have children in the first place if spending time at home with them is so hellish" are just as misogynistic as "maternity leave is a holiday". Looking after a baby is hard work, and both comments hugely disrespect that.

My finding it difficult to look after my baby doesn't make me an inferior mother. My still doing that work, giving her unconditional love and literally all I could possibly give any one person is what makes me a good mother.

If one of your children ever struggles with being a parent I hope you're more thoughtful in your response to them than the utter crap you and others have posted here.

Agreed, no wonder gender equality is still such a far reach when we hold each other back in this way.

Trying to edit my post but I can’t. I wanted to add though, even if someone does find maternity leave ‘hellish’, it doesn’t mean they shouldn’t have children, ffs. What an awful comment @EaudeJavel

I would have been like “Damn right, get back to work then!”

Mat leave isn't a holiday but I am seriously envious of these people who have children and describe actual holidays as relaxing! My mat leave was a breeze compared to holidaying with a toddler! After 8months off I was sad to leave my son, 3 years later, after 2 weeks I was gagging to get back to work!

Ugh. He’s probably the type of person who, if pulled up, will claim “you can’t say anything nowadays”. What always baffles me is why these people feel the need to say things out loud in the first place. Perhaps it’s not that you can’t say anything but you shouldn’t, because what you so desperately feel the need to say is shite.

If you feel the need to insult people you don't agree with, you must be short on points to carry on the discussion.

Sounds like you are bitter because you missed out on something, and seeing the rest of us enjoying their paid holiday/ maternity leave is a trigger? What a shame. 😉

Depressing to see so many people unable to accept differing opinions.

I’m not insulting anyone, simply stating facts. You seem to feel the need to sink low, trying to make digs at people, which I’m afraid don’t hit with me. Although you did upset previous posters with your ignorant comment. Why do you feel the need to do that, I wonder? I’m sensing a lot of bitterness in you. You’re still missing the point too, embarrassingly 😉 .

Calling out misogyny isn’t an opinion.

I am sure some posters must have a fit when "maternity leave" is called "maternity holiday" 😂

God forbid they see another point of view

How hilarious, just full of wit you are

It's an opinion as to whether the joke was misogynistic. I don't think was.

It's an opinion to state that it would be a complete and utter waste of time to "do something about it". I think it would be.

It's an opinion that insisting on taking offence at every stupid joke makes calling out actual offensive stuff harder. It does.

Arsehole

And this is why misogyny, in the workplace particularly, will continue to exist. People denying it and thinking it’s a waste of time to call out 🤷‍♀️

"I'm right, and everyone else is wrong so there".

Op asked for opinions. Other people are allowed ones different from yours. Mine is that a slightly stupid joke about maternity/paternity leave being a holiday is in no why misogynistic.

Happy to help.

It happened to the OP. It made her feel uncomfortable and has played on her mind enough to lead to the post.

how about supporting other women instead of diminishing their experience because it doesn’t match yours.

it’s not about taking offence, it’s about taking a stand - that belittling women in the workplace is not ok.

little jokes and comments form the foundation on which the so called ‘actual offensive’ stuff is upheld.

it’s really concerning that you and so many others on here can’t look a little deeper than the surface with this example.

As I said to the other poster, how about accepting that your opinion is just that.

I find it concerning that you and others think that this place should just be an echo chamber and can't stand the thought of other people having their own viewpoints. There's a word for that.