He's trying to take my children away

[Lillabetty]

I know this isn't a AIBU post but I'm desperate I need help from people that have been in my position please!!!

I need guidance and I need to be pointed in the right direction please. Is he going to take my children away from me?

I split with my emotionally abusive partner last week,(my therapist opened my eyes up to the abuse) due to tenancy and finances he's still in the family home.

I spent the last 6 years with this man and I don't want to make him instantly homeless so I've given him untill January to move out gives him enough time to save and look for places the plan is he moves out in the next 6-8 weeks, January is just a deadline.

Tonight he handed me a drawn out diagram of the "shared" 50/50 custody and in his eyes im only allowed to see my children for 1 and a half days a week.

I'm main career, their benefit money is in my name every legal paper doctors school etc im down as main career etc also I am main tenant on my home.

Hes adement that he is entitled to stay in the family home and make me homeless

Since I ended it with him he's turnt quite evil he has a way of talking to me in riddles and I get very confused.

Help me! What do I do? Where do I go tomorrow?

Genuinely as I've said previously with SS involved you need to show them that you are capable of protecting your DC, this means removing this man from their home.

Stop negotiating with him. Let the court decide.

Apply for a child arrangement order. Refuse mediation because he's abusive and let the court decide.

You need to stop talking to him and engaging with him.

He is not on your side.

Speak to professionals only.

You never feel better after checking their advice with him do you?

You need to stop talking to him. Talk to professionals and follow their advice. Ideally get their advice in writing.

Stop talking to him.

Stop talking to him.

Stop talking to him.

@Lillabetty I don't think you are getting the actual risks in this situation. he is not going to take the kids away.

but if SS deem you incapable of protecting the kids by "letting him stay till jan" , they WILL take the kids away.

you letting him stay till Jan isn't you being nice, it's you ignoring all the advice and putting your kids at risk. it's you putting yourself at risk. every second longer he stays with you, you are more likely to never be rid of him.

stop being 'nice' to him. be nice to your kids

sorry for being blunt OP. I feel for you, I really do. but you run the risk of making things a lot worse by letting him stay any longer. it's not his house. get him out.

stop talking to him

and actually start listening to the solid advice you are getting

I dont start these discussions with him I tell him I don't want to talk but he doesn't listen. I'm avoiding him as much as possible I'm in regular contact with my therapist health visitorand SS, notes are being written everyday about the things he says and does I'm trying my best. I have said to him take me to court he's adament he will get full custody as he thinks I'm to mentally ill. I will talk in depth about this when I have my SS appointment

I am listening to the advice I'm getting on here and in person I've made it perfectly clear he needs to leave!

SS need to see that YOU are protecting your DC. They cannot do it for you but they can make judgements about your parenting based on your actions. If you tell them that this man is abusive but you have allowed him to live with you and your DC (read carry on the abuse) until January then that is what SS will write. You need to show SS that you are strong and will fight for a safe environment for your DC. That means doing everything in your power to get this man removed from your house right now and refusing unsupervised contact without a court order.

If you do not show them that you are capable of this then as a PP has said, they would consider if it is safe for them to live with you.

@Lillabetty I know this is incredibly hard and you are trying your best. I think the main thing is realising that whatever he says is irrelevant and getting him out. Once he is out you no longer have to communicate with him. you can manage things on your own terms.

and it's not enough to 'tell him to leave'. you are the main tenant, he has no right to be there. you mentioned previously he is not even on the contract. so you can just kick him out. you can speak to women's aid and the police on how to do this. getting him out is the most important thing. whether he has somewhere to go is NOT your responsibility.

he is not qualified to assess your mental health. the SS will do that. and having some mental health issues does not preclude you from having the children if you can care for them and keep them safe.

ignore everything he says. don't engage in the conversations he starts. just go to another room. the only appropriate response is "I am not discussing this with" rinse and repeat.

So if he doesn't listen just walk away. Or don't respond. Just stone wall with silence. Literally say nothing

Thats exactly what I do and he's said previously the reason why he gets shouty and verbal is in his own words "these are my emotions this us what happens when you ignore me" he called me a mental case and I'm unhinged the other day because I told him 12 times "I don't want to talk to you please leave me alone" which he completely ignored, thank god for my daughters baby camera it recorded everything even him pretending to cry and passing the bedroom with clenched fists

He’s not a joint tenant because they would have needed to issue a new tenancy to do this. Just because you notified them he was living there he has no rights to remain without his name on a tenancy agreement. Does he have parental responsibility for the children? Either by being on their birth certificate or awarded by family courts? If he does you will need to agree access or approach the courts to help you. If he doesn’t then you call all the shots there too. If you think it’s unsafe to send the kids you can ask for visits in contact centre. He sounds highly manipulative and abusive and it’s nearly always best to get them out and keep them out and if he kicks off call police straight away and they’ll help you get a non molestation order in place to keep him out of your hair. Also, SS will assess your suitability to parent rather than take his word for anything so if the kids are well cared for then they’ll leave them with you especially if you’re making moves to improve your mental health. I’d suggest if they start an assessment you make a point of doing things to improve your life, that might be doing up your home, joining a gym, an evening course etc. it’ll make them see you in a positive light and that you’re setting a good example to your kids. He sounds like an arse and you’ll be a different woman once you’ve got rid of him. Good luck.

Have any of the professionals you've seen suggested locking him out?

He's trying to manipulate you. Don't give in. Clearly what you're doing is working and so continue

He came home from work and I've told him to leave. He's taken it very well no raised voice etc. I'm very confused by his reaction

He is playing the game, believe him if he starts packing.

In an hours time he could say you never told him to leave.

Can you get the locks changed? Once he leaves? I pray to god that he does go. Keep talking on here OP.

That's great OP, well done! Make sure you follow through. Call the police if necessary.

Just wait

I've just read your post. I hope you're ok OP? X

Op.im really worried for you. I hope you can change the locks. This man sounds dangerous, make sure school know what's happening in case he tries to collect them and withhold them.

Im doing ok locks were changed yesterday, council are putting in place to move me ASAP and the school knows I've got a appointment with them tomorrow

Yay Op! This is the start of your new life. I hope it is everything you want

Excellent well done @Lillabetty you should be so proud of yourself for putting yourself and your dc first.

You are incredible well done you x