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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He's trying to take my children away

242 replies

Lillabetty · 03/10/2023 23:16

I know this isn't a AIBU post but I'm desperate I need help from people that have been in my position please!!!

I need guidance and I need to be pointed in the right direction please. Is he going to take my children away from me?

I split with my emotionally abusive partner last week,(my therapist opened my eyes up to the abuse) due to tenancy and finances he's still in the family home.

I spent the last 6 years with this man and I don't want to make him instantly homeless so I've given him untill January to move out gives him enough time to save and look for places the plan is he moves out in the next 6-8 weeks, January is just a deadline.

Tonight he handed me a drawn out diagram of the "shared" 50/50 custody and in his eyes im only allowed to see my children for 1 and a half days a week.

I'm main career, their benefit money is in my name every legal paper doctors school etc im down as main career etc also I am main tenant on my home.

Hes adement that he is entitled to stay in the family home and make me homeless

Since I ended it with him he's turnt quite evil he has a way of talking to me in riddles and I get very confused.

Help me! What do I do? Where do I go tomorrow?

OP posts:
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5
OhNoForever · 03/10/2023 23:33

Flickersy · 03/10/2023 23:30

He may have a right to be there. None of us know as we can't see OPs housing contract. Which is why she needs to consult someone in RL.

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How if he's not on the tennency. Lodgers have no rights.

LaviniasBigBloomers · 03/10/2023 23:34

Sweetheart, this pig has got you so upside down you don't know what you're doing. You need help in real life. Tomorrow, please call either Women's Aid or the Citizen's Advice Bureau or your housing provider and get some proper advice.

You are going to have to dig deep and get him out but there are people who will help you do it. Meanwhile, don't believe him. He's talking rubbish to make you let him stay.

Original poster
Lillabetty · 03/10/2023 23:34

We had a joint claim which I cancelled on Monday day he didn't like that very much. UC is in the process of being paid into my own bank account all other bills housing, tax etc I still need to do

OP posts:
LaviniasBigBloomers · 03/10/2023 23:35

Keep going working through your list. Change all your passwords and make sure your phone has a difficult to guess lock code rather than facial recognition or thumb.

Flickersy · 03/10/2023 23:36

OhNoForever · 03/10/2023 23:33

How if he's not on the tennency. Lodgers have no rights.

Show quote history

It is not true that lodgers have no rights. OP needs to take proper advice on this situation.

Original poster
Lillabetty · 03/10/2023 23:36

I change it regularly but he still gets into my phone unfortunately. I dont know how

OP posts:
Dramatic · 03/10/2023 23:37

Lillabetty · 03/10/2023 23:31

I moved into my property in 2013 I declared him in the house in 2022 (he was renting somewhere else) he didn't sign any paperwork that definitely means he's not a main tenant? When I moved in I had to sign lots of paperwork

Take a breath op, I can tell by your posts that he has really scared and manipulated you and you are probably feeling very stressed and panicked. Try to just take a step back and breathe a little.

He cannot have you removed from the house, he is lying to you about that. However, with him being on the tenancy it does make things slightly more complicated. You need to contact the housing office and tell them exactly what you've written here, that he's been abusive and you have split up and you want him out of the house and see what they advise. You can also contact women's aid and they will help you.

Gowlett · 03/10/2023 23:38

You’re not thick. You’re being bamboozled by an abuser.

Gowlett · 03/10/2023 23:39

Gaslighting is so difficult as it’s easy to become mixed up & start doubting yourself / believing their version of events.

MatthewsMumFromTikTok · 03/10/2023 23:41

Where are you and the children right now?

How does his contact plan mean you get 1 and half days? How is it broken down?

ColourMeBlue · 03/10/2023 23:44

Hey take a deep breath-you are not thick at all.Your ex is using every dirty tactic going to make you feel useless and confused.My ex was the same,apparently he would get full custody,I wouldn't see my kids again and so on.I second women's aid-my personal opinion would be get the hell out of there and get you and your little ones somewhere safe xx

Original poster
Lillabetty · 03/10/2023 23:46

We are upstairs in the bedroom he's down stairs (all in the house) he has put he will have the kids Sunday afternoon right through until Saturday morning my son will go to school and he will drop the baby to me 8:30-2:30pm so I can baby sit for him that's what he said l. He said that's this is the most fair way and convenient for him as I have them all day Saturday?

He is right am I over reacting?

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 03/10/2023 23:47

When things are bit more settled you should take the Freedom Programme and it will complement your therapy

MatthewsMumFromTikTok · 03/10/2023 23:47

I think you know that's not right ..

Original poster
Lillabetty · 03/10/2023 23:49

But he saying its right. Everything he says never has a different outcome. I dont know my arse from my elbow at the moment

OP posts:
Flickersy · 03/10/2023 23:51

Lillabetty · 03/10/2023 23:49

But he saying its right. Everything he says never has a different outcome. I dont know my arse from my elbow at the moment

He can say whatever he likes OP. He can say he's going to take the children to live on a tropical island and raise them as pearl divers for all the good it will do him. His words have no power.

You really need to call Women's Aid and the CAB first thing tomorrow.

SiblingFights · 03/10/2023 23:51

He's not right. Try not to panic, you are in a stronger position that he's made you think you are.

Ignore every word he says. He's abusing and controlling you.

Speak to Womens Aid. They will help. Kick him out.

ColourMeBlue · 03/10/2023 23:52

He wants a reaction.Ive been there.He wants to push and push and push you while sounding "reasonable" so when you react,he can make out you have an issue

larlypops · 03/10/2023 23:53

Take a deep breath, I know how hard it is.
is he out tomorrow if so ring women’s aid and get advice.
you could get the police to remove him but might stir up issues
i went through similar 4 years ago and he threatened everything but thankfully they were just threats as he is a fortnightly parent and left the next day.

Iateallthechocolate · 04/10/2023 00:07

If it's your name on the tenancy it's your house. He's just a lodger. You can just change the locks while he's out if you like.

He also can't have the children all week but expect you to babysit while he works. If it's his time, he pays for nursery for baby.

He's lying to you to try and control you.

Helentwinsplus1 · 04/10/2023 00:09

Do you take your son to school? Do they. Have a family support worker? You need some support and someone to help you see beyond the abuse because he's gaslighting you pure and simple. I would go and get a cheap phone and simcard and hide it so he can't keep snooping on your messages. I'd be concerned he's installed something on the phone if he keeps getting into it.

Keep posting and stay strong. It's not easy to get out but people do and they move on to bigger and brighter things.

Blueeyedmale · 04/10/2023 00:10

Go to woman's aid and draw him a diagram the front door

Tryingmybestadhd · 04/10/2023 00:12

Tell him to leave , if he gets abusive it will go in your favour as you can call the police nd get a non molestation order . Whatever you do , do not leave that house without your children .

Dramatic · 04/10/2023 00:12

Coyoacan · 03/10/2023 23:47

When things are bit more settled you should take the Freedom Programme and it will complement your therapy

They don't do the freedom programme anymore I don't think. I'm not sure what (if anything) replaced it

Dramatic · 04/10/2023 00:14

Dramatic · 04/10/2023 00:12

They don't do the freedom programme anymore I don't think. I'm not sure what (if anything) replaced it

Show quote history

Sorry, I'm wrong about that. Just some charities have stopped running it