He's trying to take my children away

[Lillabetty]

I know this isn't a AIBU post but I'm desperate I need help from people that have been in my position please!!!

I need guidance and I need to be pointed in the right direction please. Is he going to take my children away from me?

I split with my emotionally abusive partner last week,(my therapist opened my eyes up to the abuse) due to tenancy and finances he's still in the family home.

I spent the last 6 years with this man and I don't want to make him instantly homeless so I've given him untill January to move out gives him enough time to save and look for places the plan is he moves out in the next 6-8 weeks, January is just a deadline.

Tonight he handed me a drawn out diagram of the "shared" 50/50 custody and in his eyes im only allowed to see my children for 1 and a half days a week.

I'm main career, their benefit money is in my name every legal paper doctors school etc im down as main career etc also I am main tenant on my home.

Hes adement that he is entitled to stay in the family home and make me homeless

Since I ended it with him he's turnt quite evil he has a way of talking to me in riddles and I get very confused.

Help me! What do I do? Where do I go tomorrow?

And you need him out way, way before January. You could use a vision of yourself and the kids having a nice Christmas without him as a motivation for getting through this shit. Serve him whatever the minimum notice is for a tenant.

@Lillabetty the house is in your name.

1- contact a domestic abuse charity and ask for support. They will know the best options.

2- speak to the council. Ask them for advice. The property is in your name.

3- Don’t worry about access. he will never be able to only let you see your kids one day a week. Best he can hope for is 50/50.

4- If it’s safe, move back in and tell him to leave ( speak to domestic violence charity first).

We'll look forward to him
Being laughed out of family court tbh. Don't worry. They always come out with this sort of horse shit. It falls down when a) they realise it's totally unfair and won't be granted and b) if you are having them 1.5 days a week, they are having them the other 5.5 days, and on their own-and the thought becomes less appealing.

I'd give 30 days for him to leave and that would be generous

Why the hell are you still speaking to him???? threatening behaviour phone the police immediately. do not talk to him and go to a solicitor now. he will also need a solicitor. if you have no money for solicitor then you should probably be entitled to be the "assisted person" ie legal aid. be guided by your solicitor who needs to be one who works mostly in family law.

Just because he is saying it does not mean he is correct. He is a manipulative bully. I would not believe a word that comes out of his mouth. Why does he decide child arrangements?

You need him out sooner. January was a reasonable deadline if he was been reasonable. He is NOT. Believe in yourself OP. You are not stupid, not and idiot. You can be a strong independent woman and be happy. Please go to woman's aid and get support.

This is part of his pattern of abuse. Refuse to engage with him. Do the following but don't tell him that you are doing it.
Contact the Council. Tell them he is abusive and is refusing to leave. If you feel unable to do this then go to your local CAB or contact Shelter. Shelter can advise on the housing aspect of this. CAB can advise on everything from separating to child contact arrangements to housing. Speak to Woman's Aid.
He needs out now. The longer he stays, the more he is going to abuse you and your DC. You don't need his permission any more. He is trying to frighten and control you. But you just need to stay focused.

You need a solicitor, both for advice on child custody and on the property. You need to know exactly where you stand legally and what you can and cannot do. And what happens to him after you split is his problem, not yours.

https://rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law/

I’d suggest speaking with Rights of Women- they have a good advice line, and good info on their website too.

As others have said, he’s speaking bs so do not let him control your understanding of what’s going on. Get proper advice.

Im not sure what the position is these days, but there did used to be some legal aid available for this kind of thing- that would be something to ask Rights of Women about.

I don't think anyone here can offer legal advice. That's what you need. If you have a joint tenancy you have an equal right to live there. If he is the children's father he has an equal right to 'custody'. That's if all things are equal. If there are valid reasons why this shouldn't be so you will need to prove this. Ultimately the courts will be on your children's side.

He is using so many abuse tactics on you to gain control over you. Going forward assume everything he says is nonsense and a bluff and that he will not go thru with his threats. Don't think into the riddles. He is doing this to gaslight you and it is working. Do not let him know this though! This is the easiest mindset to have without looking deeper into things and thinking yourself into cognitive dissonance.

You clearly have your ducks in a row legal wise for the children. Again, don't take his nonsense seriously. He knows you have these things going for you so he is trying to break you down and scare you. When he finally does leave what grounds will he have to stand on in court pertaining to the children? I don't assume much.

Don't be surprised if he starts being extremely kind out of no where. Right now he is hoping you will back down and apologize/change your mind. If you continue to stand your ground this will make him nervous and he will start trying to convince you otherwise. Do not fall for it. It's a load of crap!

Do you have family or a close friend you could possibly stay with? Are there any refuges in your area for domestic violence ? Possibly contact a hotline, they could offer advice.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

If your council/ housing association tenancy is anything like mine, you'll be able to kick him out and change the locks straight away.

He is not a lodger, he is (was!) your partner. Was he really listed as a 'lodger' or did you just tell your landlord that your partner had moved in?

I presume you are not married as you say 'partner'? That makes a huge legal difference in your favour in terms of kicking him out of YOUR home.

If you hold the tenancy, for sure, check with the landlord if you like but I would be inclined to just change the locks on him and be done with it.

Please contact your housing association. I work for a housing association and we have services and support for anyone experiencing domestic abuse as I am sure many others do too. They will be able to signpost and perhaps help with getting him out of the house.

Listen to yourself. That's the abused, controlled woman speaking. Throw him out. He can get a bed and breakfast.

Op I see this constantly at work , he is controlling you , you don’t even see it because it’s so ingrained in your life . For an outsider that is a man that should bet even see the children let alone dictate anything .
Please call women aid , call a teacher at the school or a health visitor , but you need help asap . You need him to go away from your and your children’s life’s so you realise you can get control back

Google for an IDVA (independent domestic violence advisor) where I live if j search my local authority then idva for example

I live here council IDVA and there comes up a contact number. I had one assigned to me a few years ago but see if you can self refer or ask for advice xxx

Fuck him and fuck them, you don't need their permission or approval. It's just a way to get you to doubt yourself. Never mind them, don't think about them. Why do their opinions matter?

You've had great advice about what to do. Tune out the noise he's making and do it. If he wasn't in your ear the whole time, the rest of the situation would be the same. He isn't changing it by making all that noise, he's just making you think he is.

Speak to the council. If you are the tenant and he is simply listed as one of the people in the property then he may have no rights at all. It may be as simple as changing the locks when he is out.

I used to do some voluntary housing support work and the councils and housing associations had help and processes in place for these sorts of situations to help victims of domestic abuse.

@Lillabetty Please LISTEN to what everyone is saying. Your Partner is Abusive and he is lying to you about the house. You need to get him removed from the house right now. Please speak to Women's Aid for advice and find a lawyer who will give you some advice for free

Op,
STOP listening to anything he says. Simply ignore it.
Get your FACTS from Citizens Advice, Womans Aid and a Solicitor.
Write down your list of questions before you go and write the answers whilst you are there. Keep referring back to this. That is the way forward.

Again STOP listening to him.

So I saw my health visitor this morning and they have advised me that social services are involved now

I honestly feel like I'm over reacting and he's going to get into trouble for nothing

No you are not over reacting - but you don't seem to be hearing what everyone is telling you. Any 'trouble' he gets into is of his own making. If you are not prepared to act on what people are saying and get some advice from those who can help you, why post on here? You obviously still care for him and I get that it is hard, but for your children's sakes, you need to get this man out of your life, if you won't do it for you.

Speak to Women’s Aid. Maybe shelter or similar about getting the tenancy put into your sole name - or getting him out of it already is.

Id try to speak to a solicitor about the rest - if he’s abusive you might qualify for legal aid.

50:50 isn’t the starting point - there’s no quantified starting point like that, it’s just “the best interests of the children”. And 1.5 days wouldn’t be 50:50 even if so!

@Lillabetty what was said for social services to be involved ? Did Healy visitor just feel nee involvement is needed to lol at the home dynamics are her to feel she had did her duty to make sure the kids were safe. .
If you had spoken or do speak to women’s aid . They would advise you to speak to police if it was warranted . Only when speaking to police would a social worker call you and ask if all’s ok .
Usually if the Abusive parent is not in the home then no more action is needed .
They don’t want to remove your children fr.
you so don’t worry they will offer support if you want / need it

I feel you still need legal advice and women’s aid know there stuff . Thai is there area not the health visitors .

He deserves to be “in trouble” from what you’ve said. Try to see SS as there to help you - that mindset will probably help you through, and ensure that they do actually help as I think it’s all quite self fulfilling.