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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He's trying to take my children away

242 replies

Lillabetty · 03/10/2023 23:16

I know this isn't a AIBU post but I'm desperate I need help from people that have been in my position please!!!

I need guidance and I need to be pointed in the right direction please. Is he going to take my children away from me?

I split with my emotionally abusive partner last week,(my therapist opened my eyes up to the abuse) due to tenancy and finances he's still in the family home.

I spent the last 6 years with this man and I don't want to make him instantly homeless so I've given him untill January to move out gives him enough time to save and look for places the plan is he moves out in the next 6-8 weeks, January is just a deadline.

Tonight he handed me a drawn out diagram of the "shared" 50/50 custody and in his eyes im only allowed to see my children for 1 and a half days a week.

I'm main career, their benefit money is in my name every legal paper doctors school etc im down as main career etc also I am main tenant on my home.

Hes adement that he is entitled to stay in the family home and make me homeless

Since I ended it with him he's turnt quite evil he has a way of talking to me in riddles and I get very confused.

Help me! What do I do? Where do I go tomorrow?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
CinnamonBear · 04/10/2023 11:56

OP he's done an absolute number on you. Unmumsnet hugs to you.

I'm so glad you now have professionals involved. Please go to your council next. They will have a DV policy and will be about to help you.

You've done nothing wrong. You are doing nothing wrong. He's the one with the issues.

Original poster
Lillabetty · 04/10/2023 12:01

He'll work while my son is at school and I'll babysit the baby until he finishes

OP posts:
Fluffyhoglets · 04/10/2023 12:02

You need to go to a solicitor and get an occupation order for the house ASAP.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 04/10/2023 12:03

I can see he’s got you all tied up in knots so it’s best that professionals are involved. The Hv was probably really concerned.

Speak to the Council about your tenancy - they’ll be able to give you the correct information. They should have a DV process as this isn’t uncommon.

Hes not right about the children. What nonsense , you “babysitting” your baby all day every day - it’s your child and if you have a HV they must be tiny.

Youre not “not allowed” to have texts, he just doesn’t want any evidence. Tell him you won’t discuss other than in writing.

And stop listening to him entirely.

The first thing you need is him out of your house - it doesn’t matter if he’s got nowhere to go. He’s a danger to you and your children - to your mental health if nothing else, and as such to the children’s well-being.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 04/10/2023 12:04

Lillabetty · 04/10/2023 12:01

He'll work while my son is at school and I'll babysit the baby until he finishes

This is the most ludicrous thing I’ve ever seen. Babysit my arse.

Neverintime · 04/10/2023 12:04

It's good that SS are involved, they will help you but you need to cooperate with them. I would advise now contacting housing and the police, I wonder if housing may be able to change the locks so he can no longer access, given that you are the tenant. Then if he tries to force access you can call the police.

Neverintime · 04/10/2023 12:06

He needs to go now, not tommorow or next month, now.

Nanny0gg · 04/10/2023 12:06

Lillabetty · 04/10/2023 07:38

No its all in person, we're not allowed to communicate via text when we have issues or he has something nasty to say. we need to do it face to face

YOU can do what you want. He isn't in charge

Please phone your landlord/the council and tell them what's happened

Then contact Women's aid https://tinyurl.com/Womens-Aid or try their live chat https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

And take a breath and do what they recommend.

He's not in charge. It's not his house. And he doesn't get to dictate what happens to the children

If he kicks off, phone the police

Live Chat | Women's Aid Live Chat

Women's Aid's live chat service lets women chat directly with a support worker

https://chat.womensaid.org.uk

Original poster
Lillabetty · 04/10/2023 12:16

I advised them that he had moved in, I need to talk to my housing officer but I've seen a brief summary on my housing account that I am main tenant and him and my children are occupants

OP posts:
Neverintime · 04/10/2023 12:21

I would keep this somewhere safe as proof, so that if police become involved and he says this is my home you say no, I am the tenant.

Blueink · 04/10/2023 12:26

OP just keep focusing on yourself and taking each action to undo all the nonsense that he's put in your head through emotional abuse

I wouldn't engage any energy into a thing he says or concern for him, he has none for you

Original poster
Lillabetty · 04/10/2023 12:32

Just want to say I am reading everything that has been said im not ignoring the advice I'm in currently talks with a few charities. Health visitor got SS involved because there was a incident in August when he squared upto my eldest and slammed a door in her face. From that day I have been taking active steps to leave. Daily diary writing. I have not been doing nothing. I'm ashamed to say it but I've only just found a shred of strength to reach out for help I'm absolutely petrified. Unfortunately I don't have any family to lean . dad died when I was young and my mum is supporting my daughters rapist so I'm well and truly on my own.

I reached out on here because alot of MN's have been in this situation before and can and have pointed me in the right direction and given some wonderful advise. I didn't come on here with a false story just to get attention. its all true so I'd really appreciate it if people could get off my back

OP posts:
Original poster
Lillabetty · 04/10/2023 12:47

I have attempted to speak to my housing officer but he's not available to talk to and only accepted appointments so I have to wait upto a week for him to call me.

I am Trying my best

OP posts:
JohnNolan · 04/10/2023 12:50

This is really important - are you married? If not and he is not named on the tenancy I suggest you call your Housing Officer and explain you are a victim of domestic abuse and you want your ex partner out of your home.

If you are not married and he is not a joint tenant then he has no legal right to stay (he would do if y ou were married or he was a joint tenant). I would ask the housing officer to arrange for the locks to be changed and also call the police and say that your ex partner refuses to leave your home and he has no legal right to stay. Ask them to remove him.

Your Housing Officer will offer you support in making benefit claims and any other help you need. Tell them everything & ask them to contact your childrens social worker so they can update them to as this shows you are prioritising your childrens welfare and will only help you.

Do not under any circumstances allow him to take your children - not even for a visit. If he wants to see them he can apply to the courts for a court order and then you can show them evidence of his abuse towards them. Do not allow him back into the home - if he needs to get stuff ask for him to arrange to access it with a police escort as you are scared of him.

Make sure you report any abuse to the police and seek legal support for taking out a non molestation order against him.

Make sure everyone knows what he has done to you, accept all support you can, let friends and family know what has happened so they can support you.

This is the first day of the rest of your life - you can do this. Dont listen to him - he is talking absolute shit and is saying anything that will scare you into doing what he wants.

Youve got this!

Nanny0gg · 04/10/2023 13:20

Lillabetty · 04/10/2023 12:47

I have attempted to speak to my housing officer but he's not available to talk to and only accepted appointments so I have to wait upto a week for him to call me.

I am Trying my best

You're doing fine. It (sadly) can't all be sorted in a day.

Just make a list( as long as he won't see it) and work through it.

Come on here whenever you need help (but log off in between)

Tempone · 04/10/2023 13:24

Op I think you are amazing, keep.doing it for your children x

Blackcatsalwaysrock · 04/10/2023 13:24

He is gaslighting you- get away asap

MrTiddlesTheCat · 04/10/2023 13:26

OP, ring the police. Tell them you are being abused and he won't leave. Tell them it's your house, the tenancy is in your sole name, and you no longer want him there. Tell them that you are scared for your and your children't safety. They will come and remove him for you. Where he goes then is his problem.

That's what I did an he never stepped foot in my house again.

Original poster
Lillabetty · 04/10/2023 13:39

No not married. I'm glad in hindsight as he refuses to propose because my mental health ruins any opportunity

OP posts:
Rattysparklebum · 04/10/2023 14:01

If you have been experiencing domestic abuse you are entitled to legal aid to seek legal advice, a domestic violence helpline will usually have contact details for your local family law solicitors, it does not have to be physical violence, co-receive and controlling behaviour is also classed as domestic abuse.
Social services will also want to see you taking steps to protect yourself and your children so usually advise you to seek legal advice too.

1month · 04/10/2023 14:08

Can I assume you don’t work but he works out of the house full time?

If so, this is good news as it means you can sort things out whilst she’s out.

I would be very careful about telling him too much.
People can panic and get desperate when they feel like they’re losing their control.

Firstly, if the kids have passports then hide them.
You could possibly take them to the school, explain the situation and that SS are involved etc but ask if they could hold on to the passports for you as you have no one else to ask.

Secondly, ring the council and double check who is on the tenancy and explain your situation and get their advice.

Thirdly, you obviously know that 50/50 isn’t 6 days a week as he’s suggesting so stop acting silly.
Tell him that you are happy with 50/50 but you’re not going to discuss it until he’s found somewhere to live and that he needs to get onto the council asap and join the list.

If he is the main resident parent, he will be entitled to more bedrooms or possibly even allowed to stay in the family home.
Do not agree or disagree to anything until he is officially out of your home.

Keep on his good side and tell him you’ll never stop the kids seeing him etc but you just want him gone because it’s not fair on them.

1month · 04/10/2023 14:09

Also don’t worry that he has no where to go.

If he speak to the council they will put him up somewhere, often in a hotel.

Bemyclementine · 04/10/2023 14:14

@Lillabetty it sounds as though its just your tenancy and he as you say, is an occupant. He has NO RIGHTS to the tenancy. Contact your council/HA landlord and check that he's not a joint tenant. If he's not, then remove him (from the tenancy) as an occupant and ask the council/HA to change the locks.

Octobermeterreadtime · 04/10/2023 14:16

Op you do know there is probably nothing wrong with your mh apart from you're being in an abusive relationship don't you? You don't hand over your baby to him. When he is at work you get the locks changed or lock it from the inside. He kicks off you ring 999. Your dc do not need a relationship with him. You don't need to consider if he is homeless or not. You need police involved to back up your case he is a cunt.