He's trying to take my children away

[Lillabetty]

I know this isn't a AIBU post but I'm desperate I need help from people that have been in my position please!!!

I need guidance and I need to be pointed in the right direction please. Is he going to take my children away from me?

I split with my emotionally abusive partner last week,(my therapist opened my eyes up to the abuse) due to tenancy and finances he's still in the family home.

I spent the last 6 years with this man and I don't want to make him instantly homeless so I've given him untill January to move out gives him enough time to save and look for places the plan is he moves out in the next 6-8 weeks, January is just a deadline.

Tonight he handed me a drawn out diagram of the "shared" 50/50 custody and in his eyes im only allowed to see my children for 1 and a half days a week.

I'm main career, their benefit money is in my name every legal paper doctors school etc im down as main career etc also I am main tenant on my home.

Hes adement that he is entitled to stay in the family home and make me homeless

Since I ended it with him he's turnt quite evil he has a way of talking to me in riddles and I get very confused.

Help me! What do I do? Where do I go tomorrow?

I do indeed work 20hrs a week during the night but that's still not enough for him. I'm currently on maternity leave until the end of the month

We dont have passports but I have the children's birth certificates I don't think it matters though as he insisted on buying doubles when registering them I don't know where the second copies are.

He does school pick up so for now I can not lock him out otherwise he won't pass my son over. I dont want to give him the impression that I'm up to no good its not worth the little bit of sanity I gave left.

I just have to sit tight and wait for the council to phone me back

@Lillabetty OP the more I read your posts, the more concerned I am. your case is not just simple emotional abuse or gaslighting - he has brainwashed you. you need him out of your space to get your own mind back.
just wanted to remind you of a few things

1. he is an evil bastard who is not worth your time, attention or concern
2. he may act like a big man with you, but I can 100% guarantee he is a little wimpy nobody out there in the world.
3. he is a coward. he is scared you will see the truth and he will no longer be able to control you. he probably has no control in any other part of his life, so he is being a petty tyrant with you.
4. you deserve better. you will have a better life. just get him out
5. everything he is telling you is a lie.

This is good advice I think

You should be so proud of yourself for taking these steps to end this relationship. Social services may be able to help with getting you an earlier appointment with housing.

hi OP, how are you doing? did you manage to get some help?

Hi op. I'm in a council property and if you are the main tenant, not a joint tenant, then he has no rights to the property and you will be able to live there on 100% benefits if you needed to. Let the housing association know what's going on ASAP.

If you already claim universal credit then all the bills, rent can be transferred over to be paid from your bank account. Update universal credit and the housing association if you are unable to work or need to change hours as a single mother at the moment. It's lots of paperwork but it should all be able to be sorted out. I have been crying on the phone explaining my own situation to someone from universal credit before and they were so kind to me and so helpful.

You have equal rights when it comes to your children and he can't just draw up a custody schedule out of nowhere and enforce it. If you believe that your children would be at risk of anything in his care then tell social services and ask them for help.

Well done for keeping a record of his horrible ways. Keep any nasty messages he sends you.

Well done for taking the first steps.

He is obviously trying to confuse you with legal terms you don't know and intimidates you with high sounding nonsense. You know what - pass all his claims and confusing talk to your lawyer. Better still, tell him to talk to your lawyer, not to you.

Your lawyer will tell you what your rights are regarding property, finances,custody etc Your lawyer will not be intimidated by him and his ridiculous ideas about the house and absurdly unfair custody arrangements. Don 't flood your mind with fear your lawyer will sort him.
Good luck.

Just a little update. I'm doing alot better. Sorted things out with the council in the process of changing finances to my name. I spoke to my health visitor and due to him getting aggressive with my eldest they referred me to social services but I also made a referral so they can see I'm trying to sort this mess out. He is still currently in the family home I haven't told him about social services. That will go down like a lead balloon When it comes out. Within the last few days he's completely changed he's doing anything and everything in the house he's complimenting me he's being lovely to my eldest hes like a completely different person. Don't worry I know it's just a game he's playing I'm taking no notice. I had a therapy session on Thursday and explained to him about what had happened during the week. He was very supportive has told me that everything is in my favour my children are safe with me that I've taken all the right steps and has said that he'll make a report to help with the social services he also gave me a phone number an email just incase I need to reach out in an emergency.

I know I have a very long road ahead but I'm proud of how far I've come already.

@Lillabetty thank you for updating! you have been in my thoughts ♡
Well done! you are doing all the right things! and you sound better... I really hope everything falls together. we are here if you need more advice or even hand holding. xxx

@Lillabetty - You sound in a better place with your latest update. Well done for doing all the right things. Stay strong - and we are all here for you if you need to get some more support.

I have a question. He still making his custody demands now wants them 4 nights a week plus 2 dinners in stead of 6nights a week I've aired my anxieties and concerns but he's having none of it. Will womens aid or stop domestic abuse (HV gave me their number) or even social services when they ring me tomorrow help me sort this out no matter what I suggest to him regarding this issue its never good enough im not allowed my own way he'll only accept his way

Oh Dear. Very bad situation. You need help. Find an advisory/women's service online or nearby. Maybe you can get some free advice from a solicitor - some of them offer a first appointment free.
Learn about parental alienation - he sounds just the type to start using the kids against you. Forewarned is forearmed. There's plenty of advice about it online. Abusers don't always let go after separation/divorce, and he might continue to want to dominate you through the children when this is over. Believe me, PA is worse than anything you can imagine. Get support now, both to get out of this relationship and so that you can recognise early if he starts manipulating the kids, and take action before the damage is done.
You've got some difficult things ahead of you. But keep in mind that everything passes, and your kids will give you strength to get yourself and them through this.

If you've family and friends nearby, gather them around you for support. Bully's don't like to face off a crowd, they're essentially cowards. Getting the right support for yourself might be all it takes to make him back off.
My best wishes. Good luck.

The only person that can force you to hand over the children for custody is a judge and for that to happen he’d have to pay a solicitor and take the matter to court. You’d be entitled to free legal advice as a victim of domestic abuse. Therefore if you don’t want him to have that level of contact then he can only make you through the court process.
Your best bet is to let social services give you guidance about managing contact. I think from what I remember of your post the other day he was inappropriate with one of your children so it’s highly unlikely social services would be supporting him having more contact than you and they might be concerned about the children’s safety.

He’s trying to control you through the kids . He wants to take them when it suits him to try and upset you . He wants you to babysit to work around him . He wants he wants. All
him not even the kids get a look in.

I wouldn’t be bothering asking social work . The best person to call is a lawyer and he would need to get access through court . 2nd person to contact is women’s aid for support they will help you understand you don’t need to do what he is telling you . Also that’s you will get legal aid like others have said . You need to fill yourself with all correct advice to keep you strong and him well away from you and the kids.

Don’t argue with him just keep nodding like a dog u till he out the house . Or say we can let the courts decide .

When does he leave ?

As PP said, he is just trying to control and scare you by saying he will make sure you have less contact with the kids than him when you split.
He wants you upset and panicking so just repeat, we will see what is decided about the children in the courts, and refuse to argue about it with him.

SW are involved, they will expect you to protect your DC and show them you are capable of that. He needs to leave the house, chase this up with housing and contact solicitors or CAB regarding obtaining a non molestation order. Do not entertain any conversations with him about anything.

Why should it be him allowing you? Change your mind set OP to what do you allow him?

I know that is soo much easier to say than do. But you do NOT have to do what he says. It is NOT up to him how often he has the kids. You do NOT need his permission. You only accept your way!

It is soo hard and big hugs to you.

it doesn't matter what he wants or what he accepts. the courts will decide when it comes to it. given the history of abuse, it is likely you might get full custody. he doesn't get a say in who gets the kids. ultimately the court will decide. just get him out of the house ASAP.

You need to stop thinking of what he wants or what he will allow and instead think about what you want. Focus on that and ignore him when he starts making demands. You don't have to be confrontational if you don't want to be, just be non committal.

He's trying to trick you with "compromise" but it isn't really. Stay strong.

He will soon come to understand that he cannot have what he wants anymore

Stay strong. This is all bullying tactics designed to stop you moving forward/get you to stay with him. He doesn't want the kids, he just wants to bully you.

Agree to nothing. Let him take you to court. Keep going.

@Lillabetty don't agree to anything. Don't sign anything. He is trying to trick you and manipulate you. He's making unreasonable demands so when he makes less unreasonable demands he can trick you to thinking he's compromising. I think you need to talk to woman's aid and take legal advice. You can often get a free 30 minutes.

I'd be inclined to say .... I think it's best to let someone extremal decide what's best for the children.

I reckon he's taken advice if he is being nice as pie. He doesn't want to give you any reason to throw him out.

How old are your kids? Is your eldest his?

He has a deadline of January so he can save for a deposit. I'm too nice I now know that was wrong of me as he's dragging his heels not looking for properties, he hasn't even told his mum and siblings that we have broken up

I've told him he can have 1 over night on the weekend 1 over night in the week and 2 evenings so he can do them dinner but it's not good enough it never is

Hes still in the property. My eldest is 12 (from a previous relationship) I was regularly raped and beaten by her dad so have no support from his side of the family .

My other two children are 4 and 8months old. He said once he goes his side of the family will not bother with me