He's trying to take my children away

[Lillabetty]

I know this isn't a AIBU post but I'm desperate I need help from people that have been in my position please!!!

I need guidance and I need to be pointed in the right direction please. Is he going to take my children away from me?

I split with my emotionally abusive partner last week,(my therapist opened my eyes up to the abuse) due to tenancy and finances he's still in the family home.

I spent the last 6 years with this man and I don't want to make him instantly homeless so I've given him untill January to move out gives him enough time to save and look for places the plan is he moves out in the next 6-8 weeks, January is just a deadline.

Tonight he handed me a drawn out diagram of the "shared" 50/50 custody and in his eyes im only allowed to see my children for 1 and a half days a week.

I'm main career, their benefit money is in my name every legal paper doctors school etc im down as main career etc also I am main tenant on my home.

Hes adement that he is entitled to stay in the family home and make me homeless

Since I ended it with him he's turnt quite evil he has a way of talking to me in riddles and I get very confused.

Help me! What do I do? Where do I go tomorrow?

You can do whatever you want and need to remember that. It's not up to him to give you permission for anything. If you have a face to face conversation, text or email a summary afterwards, start building up a paper trail

He likes to hold things I've said and done above my head he constantly brings them up telling me how evil and controlling I am he's painted this horrible picture about me to his mum and siblings. I can't win at the moment

https://lwa.org.uk/

Living without abuse has been a great support, they have seen it all before and can help you know where to turn.

we're not allowed to communicate via text when we have issues or he has something nasty to say.

You can do whatever you want and he cannot 'allow' you or not allow you anything. I know it is hard to believe that at the moment, but that's true.

NO

He is still abusing you. He is using the children as a weapon.

Do you have legal advice on your home insurance? If you do call them for advice.

Then talk to your council, tell them you have asked him to leave and he has taken over the house.

They may help you get him out.

He is not the tennant and he would not get a house from the council, the council may find him a flat.

Ignore everything he says, he is not going to get custody of the children, he is not going to get the house.

Another vote for calling women's aid.

If he doesn't have a house he won't be able to have the kids to stay overnight. You need to get him out, that way you're killing two birds with one stone.

he can’t take the property from you and he can’t have 90% custody either. Please contact Woman’s aid today. It won’t work with living with him until January, he’s abusive and clearly angry you’ve called time on the relationship and this puts you in a dangerous position. Women’s aid can give you the right advice on how to handle this. You’re not thick, he’s just beaten you down with his abuse. He can’t take your children from you. Please take care

Women’s aid would be a start but you need him out.
how about referring yourself to social services for some support in getting him out?

It’s not your responsibility that he has nowhere to go-he doesn’t care if you don’t does he? He’s trying to take your home and your security-don’t leave your home. Call the police to remove him if necessary

Good advice here OP re women’s aid. I’d also add contact the domestic abuse team at your local council. He is being abusive and they will be able to help you navigate what you can do to get him out of your life and support you.

But you will win in the long run. Remember that.

Just because it’s your choice to end things, it’s not your fault. He chose to emotionally abuse you. Don’t let him make you feel guilty or scared. Write a letter saying you are evicting him due to emotional abuse and get him out. It may make his case stronger if he is in the family home. Have you got any family members that can support you? Don’t be alone with him.

He is now threatening you op, which counts as Harassment and you could report him to the police. Keep records of everything and if safe, record conversations (or at least make notes after). As PPs have said maybe call Womens Aid for advice or check out https://rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/violence-against-women-and-international-law/harassment-and-the-law/#:~:text=The%20criminal%20court%20can%20make,of%20work%20or%20home%20address.

You don't need to win with him, or his mum, or his sister in law, or your mum, or the guys down the pub that he'll be mouthing off to about you - the only 'win' you need is getting him out of your house and your lives.

You can do this, but you need support and help.

Does he work? Can you go to see your housing provider when he's at work today?

Can you at least get into the settings on your phone - I didn't know it was possible to set up a second fingerprint as a poster mentioned above. He's clearly got something set up to allow him access. You should only have a number password and make sure it's not the kids' birthdays!

Victims of domestic abuse get legal aid. Contact womens aid today.

You hold all the power you just don’t know it yet.

You are allowed to do whatever you want. Stop talking to him and communicate via text and keep your distance in the house. Keep your phone near so you can call the police or alternatively set up a system where if you text a friend a code word she calls the police on your behalf. Tell as many friends and family as possible what’s happening so you have people looking out for you. You are being abused.

OP, you really don't sound thick at all. But you DO sound like someone who's been abused into doubting their every thought. I'm so sad for you.

I'd really urge you to follow the advice on this thread and call women's aid etc. ASAP.

His "custody plan" is absolute bollocks. Literally just ignore that, it's ridiculous and he knows it. That's why he's trying so hard to convince you that it isn't ridiculous - he knows full well that if you start to doubt him and go to a solicitor, they will absolutely laugh him out of there.

Who says it is "not allowed"? Take the power back, by rearranging uc you have started and his attitude and abuse will only escalate as you do. It is not safe for you to house him any longer. Let him paint you as a villain and retreat to his family if necessary. How would he work under his proposed "50/50"?

@Lillabetty My ex husband threatened me that he would take the children and that he'd show everyone what a useless mother I was. Luckily I was strong mentally and knew this was not the case.

He was verbally and physically abusive. I did the freedom programme online, it showed me all of the ways our relationship was wrong & strengthened my resolve. Your therapist should be supporting you in this too.

You are your children's primary carer, his threats are idle threats as you've got wise to his abuse. He's a narcissist that's been caught out.

Almost one year to the day from when I called time on our relationship our house was sold and myself and the dc moved into a rented house while waiting to purchase my own house. He moved out after my safety order was approved. Eventually he settled down and we now have minimal face to face contact and I communicate by text. With text you can decide when to read it and do this only when you're strong enough. He does not get to tell you that you only communicate face to face, email is an option too.

You can do this, but you need to be strong, because he will try to break you anyway he can.

@Lillabetty your post asked what to do everyone is telling you and here to help and support. Sadly a lot on MN know because they have been through it themselves.

He’s out 6 hrs a day it seems . When he leaves pack his stuff and txt him and say when he finishes work he collects his stuff from outside and if he causes a fuss you are calling the police, and mean it.
Sort the kids this morning then sit down with a cuppa and make calls .

Sort this out today . Maybe today you won’t give him that txt to collect his stuff . Maybe tomorrow after you get support.

What pp said you will only be able to think straight once he’s gone .
My first thoughts too are throw him out he will
not be able to have the kids with no home .

Since your that bad guy to his family let him go to their house . He clearly has got somewhere to go. Your always going to be the bad guy . So just get on with looking after you and the kids .

You can do this . Good luck

Oh I had this. Apparantly I was an unfit mother and he would take me to court to take the baby off me. Luckily my DF's friend was a solicitor and I was advised to tell him to send all documentation to him. The documentation never materialised.

It was just his attempt to get back together with me - which is bizarre in itself.

Try to be non emotional with him. He needs to go. See if you can get the council or the Police involved.

I bet you he never follows through with his "plan".

How can you throw someone out of their own home?

I have been here before.

it’s incredibly difficult after years and years of talking down to and control but the kindest (harshest) advice I received was “get a grip” and it’s true. Stop telling yourself you’re thick and you don’t know what to do/how to do it. You do. It’s hard but I just get on with it.

Make a list and tick it off.

• speak to council about getting him out the house so you know the facts on your tenancy.
• kick him out asap so he’s not in your ear all the time.
• don’t feel sorry for him being homeless just do it (why do you care when he clearly doesn’t)
• make yourself financially independent of him. Even if it means a struggle for a while. see women’s aid/UC adviser and they can help.
• make a childcare plan that works for both of you. Don’t leave it to him to decide and don’t give him more overnight time with the kids because you will end up paying him maintenance.
• stop telling yourself you’re stupid and he controls you. He doesn’t if you don’t let him. if you need serious help you ring the police. They will remove him.
• You can get free legal advice at most solicitors (an hour) or unlimited at citizens advice bureau.

@Lillabetty youve had great advice.
You are not thick, yoi are abused.
Contact woman’s aid, kick him out. Of course you can communicate via text, he doesn’t want that as it’s a record of his abuse. Who cares if he is homeless, that’s his problem. Who cares what his mum thinks. No one in the world will give him that custody. You have a therapist who will write a report of support to you that they advised you leave him due to his abuse and controlling nature.

Keep going, you can do this.

Call women’s aid now. You need some IRL support. Xx

This is good advice OP.

I'd add to it:

• check your phone settings to see if he's added himself to fingerprint/facial recognition - just turn this off and use a secure passcode instead
• communicate in writing wherever possible - text or email. This will be a paper trail that could be useful. Communicating about problems face to face is something that might happen within a relationship, but you're breaking up and there are legal issues at play, written communication is fine and there's no 'we're not allowed' about it

You're doing so well to start this process OP, your children will thank you in years to come.