Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He's trying to take my children away

242 replies

Lillabetty · 03/10/2023 23:16

I know this isn't a AIBU post but I'm desperate I need help from people that have been in my position please!!!

I need guidance and I need to be pointed in the right direction please. Is he going to take my children away from me?

I split with my emotionally abusive partner last week,(my therapist opened my eyes up to the abuse) due to tenancy and finances he's still in the family home.

I spent the last 6 years with this man and I don't want to make him instantly homeless so I've given him untill January to move out gives him enough time to save and look for places the plan is he moves out in the next 6-8 weeks, January is just a deadline.

Tonight he handed me a drawn out diagram of the "shared" 50/50 custody and in his eyes im only allowed to see my children for 1 and a half days a week.

I'm main career, their benefit money is in my name every legal paper doctors school etc im down as main career etc also I am main tenant on my home.

Hes adement that he is entitled to stay in the family home and make me homeless

Since I ended it with him he's turnt quite evil he has a way of talking to me in riddles and I get very confused.

Help me! What do I do? Where do I go tomorrow?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Valhalla17 · 04/10/2023 05:24

If he's written this "contact" plan down, hang onto it and take photos of it as back up. May be useful later to show what an abusive gaslighter he is.

First step is to call womens aid OP. Get him out!

AbbeyGailsParty · 04/10/2023 05:29
  1. He will say ANYTHING to get his own way. Doesn’t mean any of it is true.
  2. Contact the housing officer at the local council. Set up a face to face appointment. Do NOT let you partner know this.
  3. Explain to Housing officer this is all confidential for your safety. Get assurance from them that you are the tenant, you can kick him out. Wait until he’s out, change locks. Put his stuff outside.
  4. When he kicks off call police to have him removed.
  5. Log ALL the abuse —- financial, emotional, Write down every last thing.
  6. All Women’s Aid for support and advice.

He has an easy life with you, lodger, can walk away any time. Bullies you into submission. That’s why he wants to dominate and stay.

HappyPurrrsday · 04/10/2023 05:37

You need to see everything he's saying for what it is:

hot air designed to frighten and manipulate you into doing whatever he wants.

and half the time, whatever he wants will just be the opposite of what you want, to piss you off. To teach you a lesson for finally standing up for yourself.

This is a DREADFUL idea but I'd be soooooo tempted to call his bluff.

Sure, you can have the kids most days - that suits me. I can get a job while you're stuck doing drop offs, pick ups and bedtime! And all the grunt work like making dinner. I'll have them on the weekends and just take them to the cinema and bowling. I can finally get some freedom and go to that art class I've always wanted to do in an evening!

I think you've been downtrodden too long & need to regain some of your power and lose your fear around his threats.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/10/2023 06:11

Please stop caring about where he has or doesn’t have to live. He’s a parasite. He will land on his feet. You need him out of your home. You’ve had great advice as to how to do that. If he’s just a lodger and not paying rent to you as such, you don’t have to give him much notice.

An occupation order is a good way to go if you’re unsure as this is legally mandated and the police will have to remove him. But I’d be speaking to women’s aid and the other agencies suggested such as NCDV first to find the best and fastest route.

You also need to keep your children with you as much as possible as he doesn’t sound like a good influence on them or a good dad. If he was, he wouldn’t be trying to take them away from you. All he wants is to control you and hurt you through the children, which is probably to try to stop you from leaving.

And if that doesn’t work he will do what he can to deprive you of money and ensure you have nowhere to live. If he puts himself down as main carer (which is governed by the number of overnights regardless of who looks after the children during the day), he will be entitled to claim any and all benefits for your children.

Right now you’re scared and confused, but you will find your anger and that will help you to eject this parasite from your life.

Echobelly · 04/10/2023 06:17

As others have said, he can't do this. These men always claim they'll get the kids, they'll say this, they'll say that, they'll say they'll tell everyone you're mentally unstable so he'll get custody because everyone will believe him. And they don't want custody of the kids, they're too selfish and they won't get it because people adjudicating divorces have seen this all before. It'll be obvious you are the primary carer and nothing he can say will change that. Stand firm and look forward to your future without this abuser.

CallieTR · 04/10/2023 06:19

For your children’s sake, you need to learn your arse from your elbow right now. Follow the steps outlined above. Do it today.

Motnight · 04/10/2023 06:21

Good luck Op. I can't begin to imagine how scared and confused you are. You have had great advice from this thread.

Mooshroo · 04/10/2023 06:23

You need to see a solicitor. Most don’t ask for payment up front and most good firms will be sympathetic as to repayment amounts and frequency thereof.

looking4pup · 04/10/2023 06:27

Do you have Face ID / Finger print switched on? He could be accessing your phone that way.

It's pretty hard to tell an aggressive man to get out. If I wanted my husband out he wouldn't say oh ok. Get him out comments aren't helpful.

soupweather · 04/10/2023 06:33

If you access your phone by using a finger print then he has probably at some point added his own too. You can have more than one set up. Can you get into your settings to check?

Luckyduc · 04/10/2023 06:35

Go to womans aid. They literally help protect you from abusers .....they can even collect your things and move you out and help you in the direction you need.
Everyone is right about going to the council and explaining the situation...get him removed and stop being soft giving him 6 weeks. If your kid is at school, take his name off the collection list and explain to the teacher and school office/welfare.

Noideawhatnext · 04/10/2023 06:38

@Lillabetty Please speak to women's aid/ solace whichever organisation is in your area. As a victim of domestic abuse who is on universal credit you will be eligible for legal aid. You won't have to pay for a family lawyer. Womens aid may even be able to signpost you to one.

jeaux90 · 04/10/2023 06:47

I split with my abusive ex 13 years ago. He threatened all the same things OP. They do it to control you.

Ring women's aid, it's important to get proper help when you are being coercively and financially controlled (which is against the law) get in control of what is actually going on in terms of the tenancy agreement.

See a solicitor. You will need proper child arrangements in place, not what he thinks should happen, his opinion is irrelevant.

Nicole1111 · 04/10/2023 06:48

Drop your kids at school and ask to speak to their safeguarding lead or a family support worker. Tell them what’s been happening. Then take yourself to the housing team at the council today and tell them everything and ask for advice re the housing. Then ask them what your local domestic abuse charity is and if they can write down the number for you. Then get yourself to the children centre and ask them to sign you up for either the freedom course or me and you mum.
You’ve got this 💪🏻 Your not thick and you’re very capable. You’ve just spent years being led to believe you’re thick and incapable because you’re easier to control when your self esteem is rock bottom.

AgentJohnson · 04/10/2023 06:58

Everything he says never has a different outcome.

Because everything he says isn’t being challenged.

You need independent advice from qualified people. Speak to your therapist and ask if she can help with recommending practical support. The longer this man stays the harder it will be for you, breathing in his toxicity will make it difficult for you to heal from it. This man will not go voluntarily because he thrives on abusing you and he doesn’t want that opportunity taken away from him.

There is no point trying to talk to this man because he doesn’t care about anything other than his selfishness. He tells you all kinds of crap so you are scared into maintaining the status quo.

StoneWashJeansWithAMatchingJacket · 04/10/2023 06:59

Talk to women’s aid. They are very supportive dealing with abusers and what he’s doing is very common. You might be entitled to legal aid to go through family court due to the abuse.

But you need to get him out of your home. Talk to housing to establish who has a legal right to live in your house, I’m guessing he doesn’t. Once you’ve got rid of him you will hopefully be able to think more clearly and have more confidence in yourself. I get it, it’s hard.

Good luck, be safe and if he gets physical in any way or you think he might, don’t be afraid to call 999 straightaway.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 04/10/2023 07:00

My exh said similar but the police still removed him from the property. He also wanted/expected custody. He got nothing.

anyolddinosaur · 04/10/2023 07:03

Tiddlywinkly · 04/10/2023 02:28

I've just had a training session from the NCDV. Please refer yourself. Lack of money is not a barrier to get him away from you. It takes about 20 seconds for you to do it. The call back lists as a randomly generated number so he will not know: https://www.ncdv.org.uk/

Please listen to this. Lodgers do have some rights but the minimum is 7 days and maximum notice to quit is 4 weeks unless you have a written contract saying something else. I would email him saying he must leave in 7 days because he is abusive and controlling, I think you can use a shorter period because he is abusive and once the 7 days has expired you can ask the police to remove him and change the locks.

You may be able to get a non molestation order and make him leave sooner.

Once he is out of your house you will begin to recover and realise that he has made you think too little of yourself. You are not stupid, he has just worn you out.

StoneWashJeansWithAMatchingJacket · 04/10/2023 07:08

Oh and your original question. In family court my ex went from demanding full residency (so kids live with him all the time) to 50/50. Then every weekend, every other weekend and now… they hardly see him. Because not only is has he low
level emotionally abused them, he’s also made no effort to be a parent on his time and they got tired of it. One of them doesn’t go at all and hasn’t seen their dad in over a year. They are a happier person for it.

I know so many people who’s ex demanded 50/50 contact and then realised that actually he’d have to actually take care of them himself and what’s more, if they’re the controlling type as your ex is, and mine, this means you are child free half the time and can, gasp! Have a life away from this. A job, friends, a new relationship if you choose… controlling bastards don’t want that even after you split up.

Tempone · 04/10/2023 07:10

Op you are so strong already, all of the things you already have done. It must have been so hard to tell him to leave. But the law is on your side. Keep every text, that bit of paper, keep it all. Its all evidence. Emotional abuse and coercive control, financial control its illegal. If you do just one thing today, just did a safe place and call womens aid, explain the situation and they will give you the next step. You can do this op. You have already proven how strong you are.

Gettingbysomehow · 04/10/2023 07:28

He hasn't got a leg to stand on. He is trying to bully and control you.
You need to toughen up fast and start taking care of yourself and the children.
Chuck him out now and let him take you to court. He won't. You can be sure of that.
They all try this. My ex husband did too. I chucked him out. Where he lived wasn't my problem.

Naddd · 04/10/2023 07:29

From what you've said he's not even on the tenancy so has no rights at all.

Please speak to womens aid and the council just to see how they can help and confirm hes not on the tenancy and police can make him leave.

It doesn't sound as though he was ever added to the tenancy thankfully.

He is gas lighting you about literally everything. The kids, house, finances all of it is bs!

Id get your money paid to just you aswell, you said he is in charge of finances so get everything paid to you

Original poster
Lillabetty · 04/10/2023 07:38

No its all in person, we're not allowed to communicate via text when we have issues or he has something nasty to say. we need to do it face to face

OP posts:
Heyhoherewegoagain · 04/10/2023 07:49

Lillabetty · 03/10/2023 23:20

Hes got no where to go, he wouldn't let me live it down

What do you mean he’d not let you live it down?

Re-reading through all your posts, he’s done a real number on you over the years-classic abusive behaviour.

I think Women’s Aid can maybe help you, you definitely need an advocate and someone in your corner. You’re an intelligent woman-not the woman he’s making you feel you are, it’s not your fault-he’s an abuser

Swipe left for the next trending thread