He's trying to take my children away

[Lillabetty]

I know this isn't a AIBU post but I'm desperate I need help from people that have been in my position please!!!

I need guidance and I need to be pointed in the right direction please. Is he going to take my children away from me?

I split with my emotionally abusive partner last week,(my therapist opened my eyes up to the abuse) due to tenancy and finances he's still in the family home.

I spent the last 6 years with this man and I don't want to make him instantly homeless so I've given him untill January to move out gives him enough time to save and look for places the plan is he moves out in the next 6-8 weeks, January is just a deadline.

Tonight he handed me a drawn out diagram of the "shared" 50/50 custody and in his eyes im only allowed to see my children for 1 and a half days a week.

I'm main career, their benefit money is in my name every legal paper doctors school etc im down as main career etc also I am main tenant on my home.

Hes adement that he is entitled to stay in the family home and make me homeless

Since I ended it with him he's turnt quite evil he has a way of talking to me in riddles and I get very confused.

Help me! What do I do? Where do I go tomorrow?

This

Have you got evidence of his abuse eg texts?

He is not on your side.

He will not tell you the truth or be fair to you because that is not in his interests.

You don't need to listen to anything he says. Practice grey rock. If he tells you "this is how things will be" have a stock reply, keep repeating it, something like "I will get advice and do what is best for the children". You don't need to agree or disagree with anything he says, there is no point in arguing because he will twist things to make you feel confused.

Speak to the people who are on your side or neutral. Call women's aid or your local domestic abuse service. (IDAS is a big one in Yorkshire). Your council website might have details for local support and your housing team will almost certainly have someone who is specialised in domestic abuse. They can help you to navigate through this and feel back in control.

You can do this. You have already done the hardest bit. Now you just need to get the support to carry you through.

You're not stupid. He wants you to think you're stupid because he's got nothing if you walk away. He's not going to tell you the truth because he gains nothing from that.

You've already done the hard part, but don't keep saying you're stupid because you're clearly not.

Is that worse than being unable to house your children?

Did you get permission for him to be a lodger? If so, you can serve him a written notice to quit with a date at least 4 weeks time from now. If you didn't get permission then kick him out.
I googled the above advice. You need to search for every bit of advice you can get.
I get that you're panicking and that he's manipulating you but you seriously need to pull yourself together right now. Stop the mindset you're in because you are better than what he has reduced you to. You have it within yourself to get completely on top of this situation and wipe the fucking floor with him because you will look for and find all of the correct and legal advice you need, and every bit you find that contradicts his bullshit will help you get that little bit stronger over and over again. You will know what you're talking about. He will he revealed to be thick as pig shit.
He will need to take it to family court for access to the children for a start (which will cost him £200 to file it). You can point out how and where he'd be unable to have the children from there.
You OP will stand up for yourself and your children and HE will have his eye wiped and look like the complete fucking moron he is as a result.

If you are the legal tenant, give him written notice to quit, in an email, timed & dated. A week's notice is fine. Then if he refuses to leave, call the police and have him removed.

He doesn't get to decide when you see your kids, only a court can do that, and since you are primary carer, you'll have them most of the time. What he says is completely irrelevant and just bullying hot air.

He is an evil controlling bully and you need some support in real life. Stop letting him have control of the finances. Open a new bank account to which he has no access, and have your salary & all benefits paid into that.

Call on your mum or a sibling or friend to help you, and take back control, for your sake and that of your dcs.

Please contact the organisations other people have posted. He's done a number on you. He's just trying to scare you. He can't have the kids. Be brave and call for help. You can do this, don't let him convince you that you cant 💐

Obviously if you can make him homeless, it's an excellent way to ensure he can't get 90% of the time with the children.

You NEED housing advice. Some good links posted. A good place to start is that everything coming out of his mouth is utter bollocks. Don't believe a word of it without double checking with an expert.

Sorry to be crass, but he is 100% a dickhead and wrong.
the laws on your side ❤
what a loser! He has zero intention of following through with his threats (that literally don't mean shit)
If he's not violent, tell him to f off, and lock the doors. If he prefers to threaten court, and sad accusations, go to court!!

He is lying to you.

OP you know exactly what is right and wrong here.
First thing tomorrow tell him to go.

You need some legal help. You can apply for an Occupation order, which means you remain in the house with the children and he has to move out - under court order. Regardless of who is on the tenancy. So contact a solicitor and apply for legal aid. You'll need some help from Womens aid to get the legal aid.

He can go and stay with someone and then you can do mediation (if you want) to draw up a parenting agreement. 1.5 days a week with you isn't 50/50! Is he a good Dad? Or is that a silly question. There's a £500 government voucher for mediation as well.

I've just had a training session from the NCDV. Please refer yourself. Lack of money is not a barrier to get him away from you. It takes about 20 seconds for you to do it. The call back lists as a randomly generated number so he will not know: https://www.ncdv.org.uk/

Become a real number on you. Cunt.

But he’s wrong. He’s still just abusing you.

He’s done a real number on you.^

Not. Your. Problem.

I think you need two things OP:

1. space from him so you can think without him filling your ears with lies and threats
2. real life practical help - a hand hold through this, from someone knowledgeable who you trust.

Can you go with the kids to family for a few days to get away from him while you set up a contact with CAB/Womens Aid for help?

I guarantee this guy is going to blame you and be awful to you no matter what you do so rip the bandaid off - no point playing nice to try to keep him sweet.

well for one, if he hasn't got stable accommodation there is no way he would be getting custody
he's trying to intimidate you

I kicked my ex out a few years ago and he had to go to a homeless shelter,
I did feel kind of bad at first but he ended up getting his own place and a job in the end..
kicking him out forced him to do that
since he wasn't able to live rent free anymore

so kick him out, he's a grown man he needs to find his own place or a friends couch, 1 week is more than generous, considering he's abusive you should really kick him out today and change the locks

He's lying to you about it all.

He's not a judge or solicitor so he knows nothing.

he can go kip on the couch of a relative or friend. Who cares.

You’ve been given loads of helpful advice, please do as they all suggest and phone for advice. Make sure all your finances are in your name only and lock your phone and hold onto it tight don’t let it out of your sight and never open it in front of him.

I know others will call him every thing under the sun, but trust me I speak from experience, he’s clever, he’s devious and controlling. He can read you like a book, and knows how to manipulate you, I bet he uses phases like, it’s all to help you, he’s only trying todo what’s fair for both of you, it’s all to keep you save because you can’t on your own etc etc.

trust me, take a deep breath and start believing in yourself. You said yourself that you dealt with all the paperwork to get your home, you set up your own accounts and ran your home and everything it entailed before he came on the scene so you can do it again.

take control of your life, and get the proper help and support behind you

you mention your child goes to school, let them know tomorrow what’s going on, and insure that he is no longer on the approved contact/collection list.

You definitely need to speak to someone about this. Maybe start with your housing officer and then Woman's Aid. Get all the advice you can and don't listen to your ex. You will be the main carer for your children and get them at least 50/50 if not more.

Oh I feel heartbroken for you, I've been in your situation, I genuinely couldn't tell what was real and what was not any more. It will take time to heal and things won't get better overnight but I promise you will get there, please remember to be kind to yourself.

You really need to be away from him as soon as possible just for time to think without him gaslighting you 24/7! What he has told you is absolute rubbish. Definitely get to Womens Aid tomorrow if you can, they can help put your mind at rest and help you to move on in as safe a way as possible. It may be that you give him notice then stay with someone else for a couple of weeks until the notice is up, it could be safer that way, then someone can come back with you once notice is up to check he has gone and if not then you can get help to have him removed.

I know he has likely made you feel as if you are alone and have no one, that everyone will be on his side and not believe you but that is untrue. Keep posting here for support, get help from Womens Aid and housing, police and solicitors if necessary and let your family and friends know what is going on so they can help.

Also keep any evidence safe, such as the drawing of his idea of 50/50 contact, forward messages/emails to a safe email account or to a friend/family member. Try not to engage in his nonsense arguments because he'll just twist things and tie you up in knots.

OP you need to get him out as quickly as possible (today) regardless of everything apart from safety of you and DC.

Contact citizens advice - they will usually sign post you the same day including giving relevant phone numbers

Contact the council it’s your property for life he is gaslighting you

Contact women’s support charities eg women’s aid as mentioned by PP for advice and support - also see what they say about involving the ploice if only to log

Start keeping a record.

Confide in and seek support of trusted friend.

Sorry it sounds awful but your mental health and safety is a priority, please don’t give into the emotional blackmail.

1 day is too long for him in the house.