To think the high volume of male abusers means some people find it hard to see when a female is an abuser?

[BraykeDance]

Having experienced first hand fairly extreme abuse from a female, I feel a bit like even in 2023 some people struggle to believe women are capable of extreme psychological, emotional and even physical abuse.

I find often people want to victim blame by implying the man must have deserved it or driven her to it. Amber Heard being a great example of an abuser where I think if she were a man people would see much more clearly that she is an abuser.

I understand men (for reasons I don't understand) have a greater tendency to be abusers in the sense of power and control; but women do this too sometimes.

I found, as someone recovering from such am abuser, that many people minimised it and almost normalised behaviour that would certainly mean prison for a man.

Which made healing as a victim a lot harder. And also made it far easier for the abuser to continue.

AIBU to think we hold women to a different standard and sometimes reframe abusive behaviour or coercive control to fit with the idea of the female victim?

“A dear friend of mine used to be so outgoing. He loved rock climbing, abseiling, bungee jumping and fire walking. We went Segway racing and tobogganing and would then pretend we were grownups (I was 25 and he was 34) and visit an art gallery or exhibition. Then he met his wife. We don’t do anything anymore as she will barely let him out and he is terrified of leaving the children with her incase she makes them suffer because he isn’t there. We can all see it but he won’t admit anything so nothing is ever done to help them.”

This just sounds like someone who simply just no longer has time to do all the activities that they did when he didn’t have any children, a spouse or responsibilities?
Also, if he was 34 at the time, why were you ‘pretending to be grown ups’?!
He was an actual grown up no? And he’d be in his 40’s now.
How utterly bizarre.

I don't think it's normal to not be allowed out and be scared that your wife will 'make the children suffer' if you're not there. This is actually quite classic abuse, using children as a weapon in order to control someone.

If you ever needed an example of how people respond to male victims by blaming them, this is it…

You are so right!
Literally first response is to assume he is a useless man who can't be arsed to take care of his kids.

@Ilovebudgies
@BraykeDance
@AdamRyan

Can you all please stop posting about pissing AH and JD - you are derailing and crowding out real posts from real women about real examples of abuse by females.

This is an under reported important issue and your annoying posts about a B list celebrity court case is causing these real examples to be ignored (again).

Just stop it.

@Ilovebudgies Agree. Having experienced isolation it's not that you don't want to go out and continue as you were but more of a case of everyone you know is deemed a threat and are kept at a distance or cut off. Previous things you enjoyed doing are deemed a waste of time, your priorities should be them and not being able to enjoy yourself.

Any attempt to continue as you were and ignore it was met with belittling and rage with the only thing that lessens that is to lower contact and stop what you enjoy. After being isolated for long periods of time, you fall out of sync with everyone and life in general, you don't want to go out any more or see people. If you do happen to go out, even just to the shop you have to be hasty because one they are timing/waiting and two generally everything explodes while you are gone.

He is now 50 and I am 39. Yes we are and were then adults but that doesn’t mean we constantly had to be grown up. Of course we have responsibilities, he is married and a father of two and I’m married and a stepmother of four.

He isn’t even allowed 1 day to do anything. He gave up his job because his wife didn’t like him being away 12 hours a day and making deliveries to shops that were predominantly staffed by women. He does everything for his children whilst his wife does nothing but complain.

I would tell you of several of the people that I know, but no doubt your response will be just as scathing.

And I have no doubt that several posters would claim that I am making it all up.

I think there's just a general feeling that women are always victims and nothing is ever their fault when a men can be blamed.
My husband was a victim of parental alienation syndrome when his ex utterly poisoned his sons - we know he was because the family court, CAFCAS and the contact centre all said so. So I usually contribute to threads about contact centres, dads not seeing their children etc etc when no-one is ever prepared to even consider any of the agencies might actually have a point and maybe, just maybe, the mother might actually be in the wrong.
I am inevitably told I am lying or that my husband is lying.
I was even described as a 'shiny-eyed new wife' once - we have been married for nearly 20 years and have two teenage kids fgs.
But my favourite response ever, when I said my husband had spend £20k+ on court fees, travelled a 200-mile round trip every weekend for a year to be told' the children don't want to see you', continued to pay maintenance well, well over the CMS amount and finally gave up when his ex ran out of legal aid and wanted to apply for more funding in their 10-year-old son's name and threatened to bring the children into court, was 'Well, he sounds like a Prince OP"
I think that was the point when I thought there's no reasoning with some people