AIBU to think this is a fairly normal/chilled weekend?

[mrsm43s]

DH had a gentle huff about always having stuff to do on the weekends. When I raised an eyebrow at him, he back tracked and just muttered about being tired and grumpy.

I'm genuinely surprised that he raised this, as I thought out weekend was pretty normal, and actually, if anything, I think we have a pretty easy time of it now.

To set the scene, during the week, we both predominantly WfH with max 1-2 days each in the office, and we tend to work approx 8-4, with an hour lunch break. As a result most day to day washing, cleaning etc is kept up to date as we go along, as they are frankly short days, and we have plenty of time to keep on top of stuff during the week. We have 2 "children" - one is away at Uni, and the other is in Sixth Form, both good kids and pretty independent without much input required from us apart from the general parental support and guidance. Kids can drive, so not having to run them round to activities and social life any more. Household stuff is shared pretty equally, we tend to work well as a team.

So this weekend:

Friday evening - popped to see friend in pub for a drink straight from work at 4, then went for an early meal out with friends. Back home by 9.30ish and an early night after a lovely evening.

Saturday- lay in til about 9, went together to do a small supermarket shop, got back had a light lunch. We then did some decorating (repainting Uni teen's walls with a fresh coat of emulsion - so nothing taxing and room is already prepped and ready to go, first coat already done) from about 12.30 til about 3.30. DH then met his sibling and niece for a dog walk, whilst I prepped dinner. Sibling and niece joined us for dinner, then left about 9. DH and I chatted for a bit over a glass of wine, and then headed up to bed by around 10-10.30.

Sunday - lay in til about 9. We both took dog out for a leisurely walk, followed by brunch out together. Back home by about 12.30. Then we put teens newly decorated room back to rights, cleared up all the decorating kit, hoovered, dusted all surfaces and cleaned the carpet in that room. I stopped about 4pm to cook a roast dinner. DH finished up and was done by 5.30. We sat down with teen for a family roast. Cleared up jointly after the roast - all done and dusted by about 7pm. The evening now our own for back to work stuff, chilling, listening to radio, reading etc. Both headed up to bed about 10.30ish.

Is this a particularly busy or taxing weekend?

To my mind it was really chilled and lovely. A good balance of social, family and couple time, some jobs done (and nice rewarding ones where you can see the difference!), but plenty of downtime.

I'm generally more assertive than DH and not one to sit around, so I just want to sense check that I'm not working DH into the ground or not listening to his needs! DH is very mild natured and easy going, so even a grumble from him is pretty unusual. If it is too much work, too busy, I want to hear that!

We're late 40s/early 50s, and generally fit and healthy. I'd say we have a pretty great relationship and enjoy each other's company.

At the moment we've had more decorating than usual to do, as the result of an extension. We're pretty much at the end of this now. Things still on the list are sorting out the garden for winter, taking some garden waste etc to the tip, resealing the bath which seems to have developed a slow leak (so we're having to use a different shower), one room left to decorate from the extension. We have a few shelves and blinds etc to put up in the new rooms too. Once that stuff is done, we'll probably be into prep for Christmas - so Christmas shopping, planning menu, ordering meats, making Christmas cake/pudding/pickled onions, getting Christmas decs out, choosing Christmas tree etc. Some busy weekends, but fun stuff! This is the kind of thing I mean by a never-ending to do list. Surely this is normal?

I really wouldn't say that was normal, no.

Not normal in my world at all, no. I find it bizarre tbh that you think about your house in such financial terms, surely first and foremost it's a home? Yes, if and when I sell my flat I'll spruce it up and fix stuff but while I live in it, I really don't care about its value. But then my general worldview is that housing shouldn't be a money-making asset because that does more harm than good to society. Stuff like leaks yes I'd fix but minor cosmetic stuff, no, I wouldn't see that as urgent. I wouldn't decorate a room just for guests coming either, nor would I care about visiting someone and staying in a room with a bit of makeup on the carpet. Christmas - well I don't eat meat and my flat's too small to host anyone so that lessens my planning but my partner and I do M&S pre-prepared stuff for christmas dinner so that doesn't need getting til a couple of days before the day itself.

I think the decorating would make it feel quite busy to me, as I do a fair bit of sitting down and watching football in that time, plus the two lots of socialising and cooking a roast dinner. Personally I don't really enjoy cooking a roast dinner and only do it once in a while. Particularly as we have one veggie and another who really doesn't like roasted meat.

Friday night is takeaway, half a bottle of wine and TV/film. I go to the gym and do laundry and housework and errands on a Saturday, usually a bit of ferrying DD14 around as well, but also sit down a lot watching footy and Strictly. Sunday is a long dog walk, sometimes lunch out, then doing as little as possible in the afternoon. Socialising is infrequent - I went out twice last week but that is unusual.

That's a weekend with a list of things to do.

A "chilled weekend" is one without a list of things to do.

Simples :)

Wow. I love this! This is definitely my definition of a chilled weekend. Think it would send my husband crazy though, he needs something to look forward to or focus on; gets stressed otherwise.

Other than order a turkey I don't think about Christmas food until a few days before Christmas. Present shopping I do mostly online, spread over November and December, and only buy for ten people, tops, so other than buying for DDs it doesn't take very long at all. I set aside an afternoon to write cards with some sloe gin. At some point this month I need a couple of Sundays to do a bit of gardening before the ground gets hard and frosty, but it really doesn't matter if I don't bother. First weekend of December we get Christmas stuff down from the loft- decorations put up by DH and DDs, probably takes about an hour. I think my "prep for Christmas" is about two hours' work in November and December.

reading through this thread its clear that everyone's need for relaxation and what 'chilled' means is different.

When I read the OP I thought 'wow that is super chilled, how could anyone think that was a busy weekend' - now I realise it is me who needs to evaluate my free time!

In our house if we had 'only' done those things listed we would have felt we had under utilised our weekend. Think I may know why I sometimes feel anxious and burnt out now .....

Definitely this.

A weekend with a list of plans and timings and pre-booked activities feels like a chore. A weekend where you just end up being busy through choice feels like fun.

now I really want to know what a busy weekend would look like to you! Do you never just sit down and do nothing?

Depends on what kind of week I’ve had. Also depends on whether your DH is an extrovert or introvert. If the latter, he is probably exhausted from the social part of the weekend.

Nothing actually wrong with it - but very little downtime. As a one-off weekend, no problem. But if EVERY weekend is like that, then yes, I think you should try and find other ways to give yourself more time at the weekend to really chill?

Get your groceries delivered from your online supermarket. Do the shopping list during the week, place the order and get it delivered either Saturday morning or even on a Friday night after 4pm?

Sounds exhausting. Too many things to do.

It's sounds quite a lot to me with the decorating. Even if it didn't take that long and wasn't hard work, it's quite a big job, spread over both weekend days and meant you didn't have a down day with no tasks to complete, which could be what your DH needed.

We do routinely do online shops during the week. This was a one off as we only had a few bits to get as I'm running down the freezer before Christmas, so we didn't need too much. I know this sounds sad, but we quite enjoy an occasional Aldi shop to look at the aisle of crap, and to pick up unusual things we don't normally have.

Most weekends we do some jobs or other. Not always as big or disruptive as decorating, but there's usually something to do in the house or garden. We do like to keep the house in a good state of repair and decoration, and the garden and outside areas maintained. We also entertain quite a bit, so there's often a bit of prep work related to that.

Bloody hell, that’s a lot! The extension is obviously causing a lot of extra work, although it won’t be an annual event, but in that respect it is an unusual amount of work.

i also would not worry about makeup stains on a carpet in a room that guests were staying in, and likewise as a guest I wouldn’t bother me either.

As for all that Christmas prep, that’s much more effort than I go to (and I do host Christmas sometimes for our parents). I order the meat a month before Christmas, and the rest of the food shopping I do in the week before Christmas.

This is a very simple example of introvert vs extrovert.

If he says it's too much for him, then understand and respect that. You won't get a clear answer on here from your poll because 50% of people are introverts and vice versa.

Try to be gentle with one another and if one wants to go out and the other needs to recharge, that's OK. No need to be joined at the hip! 😅👌

You sound like my mum. My poor dad can never get a minute to sit on his arse. As soon as he gets up he is asked what he is doing that day. So he feels like he always has to be doing something. If he can't think of anything she has a long list of jobs for him. Sometimes people just want to sit and do nothing. Your husband sounds like he likes being social but maybe when he is at home he would like to just think and sit, scratch his arse, or watch shite on the TV.

This is a very simple example of introvert vs extrovert.

Ooh no - don't say that - OP has made it very clear that her husband isn't an introvert

That would also be way too much for me. I’m an introvert and I need to have time with no demands or as minimal as possible. If I was doing the decorating for example I would just want to do that. Otherwise maybe have one social event.

Some might call that boring or lazy, I call it staying sane! As a PP said there is no right way to do a weekend, but I think people tend to think their way is the right way! A friend recently described to me their perfect weekend (as a contrast to that of their love interest) and it sounded like hell to me, just completely non stop. I need to just be sometimes. Perhaps your husband needs that too?

For those that asked, I'd describe myself as gently extroverted, I would say DH is also gently extroverted. We both like being around people, but neither of us are loud, life and soul of the party types. I don't think the social side was an issue for DH at all, nor the eating out.

Being introverted doesn’t mean you don’t like being around people, or socialising, that’s a misconception. I’m a sociable introvert, I love seeing my friends, eating out etc, what I means is that I need balance. If I’m doing all that I can’t then be on the go with chores as well. Somewhere in there had to be some downtime. Perhaps that’s the issue with your DP?

Agree with your husband. I wouldn’t have minded the decorating on its own but added to the fun social stuff it would have felt too much for me. Social stuff is nice but you did quite a lot of it on top of the decorating.

I really love that you are so accommodating and reflecting on your own personality and how it might affect both you and dh. It's wholesome to see people in a marriage really trying to put each other needs first. I feel like, at let's on MN, everyone is just trying to have it their way.

You seem very defensive OP! not sure why you've come on here asking a question when you keep arguing with people just giving you their opinion. Feels a bit like you're showing off how exciting your weekends are & telling us all we're a bunch of introverts and insisting your husband doesn't need alone time lol.

I think you hit it on the head in one of your comments, Op. It is the continual to do list of painting rooms and stuff like that. Maybe he’d like to decide how he spends his time off instead of having jobs around the house scheduled. Maybe every other weekend you don’t plan any projects and let him putter and do whatever he wants the entire weekend. You will still get stuff done but he will feel less put upon. You both have different personalities too. You rarely sit and are efficient and on the go and he sounds like he would enjoy freedom to do what he decides. How would you like to be told that this weekend you would be helping with a project of his choosing that you don’t want to do? And repeat that every weekend? It feels much different when someone else is in charge of your downtime.

Your list of things and how you matter of factly stated that it was a chill weekend kind of came across as scary. Every moment must be fulfilled to its potential and then the Sunday evening beginning at 7pm is plenty of dawdling time to yourselves to get ready for the week etc, well that’s kind of work too imo. It’s like you have to be in charge and oversee his routine and schedule, like he’s a toddler. Even a teenager wouldn’t appreciate this. ‘Time for a refreshing nap then we’ll learn our letters and paint the den. Then social time and a dog walk. Then a roast dinner and we’ll go over our (my) plans for next week.” It’s all a bit suffocating.

That said, I greatly admire people like you because you get things done, are very efficient, and have boundless energy. You’d made a good squadron leader. It’s the dragging in of others who might be reluctant but are afraid to say it out loud for fear of reprisals that is the issue. I noticed you said your husband quickly backtracked after making a very mild rebellious back talking comment to you. He’s afraid of you. If I were you, I’d back off, apologize for trying to control his time to such an extent, and let him take the lead every other weekend. Fair?

I just saw your comment on no jobs this weekend, so I think you’re doing well to make some changes and you didn’t really need a lecture from me 😂 you’re already seeing he needs some freedom. Good for you. Have a great weekend coming up and well done for listening to what your partner needs.