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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think this is a fairly normal/chilled weekend?

295 replies

mrsm43s · 03/10/2023 16:23

DH had a gentle huff about always having stuff to do on the weekends. When I raised an eyebrow at him, he back tracked and just muttered about being tired and grumpy.

I'm genuinely surprised that he raised this, as I thought out weekend was pretty normal, and actually, if anything, I think we have a pretty easy time of it now.

To set the scene, during the week, we both predominantly WfH with max 1-2 days each in the office, and we tend to work approx 8-4, with an hour lunch break. As a result most day to day washing, cleaning etc is kept up to date as we go along, as they are frankly short days, and we have plenty of time to keep on top of stuff during the week. We have 2 "children" - one is away at Uni, and the other is in Sixth Form, both good kids and pretty independent without much input required from us apart from the general parental support and guidance. Kids can drive, so not having to run them round to activities and social life any more. Household stuff is shared pretty equally, we tend to work well as a team.

So this weekend:

Friday evening - popped to see friend in pub for a drink straight from work at 4, then went for an early meal out with friends. Back home by 9.30ish and an early night after a lovely evening.

Saturday- lay in til about 9, went together to do a small supermarket shop, got back had a light lunch. We then did some decorating (repainting Uni teen's walls with a fresh coat of emulsion - so nothing taxing and room is already prepped and ready to go, first coat already done) from about 12.30 til about 3.30. DH then met his sibling and niece for a dog walk, whilst I prepped dinner. Sibling and niece joined us for dinner, then left about 9. DH and I chatted for a bit over a glass of wine, and then headed up to bed by around 10-10.30.

Sunday - lay in til about 9. We both took dog out for a leisurely walk, followed by brunch out together. Back home by about 12.30. Then we put teens newly decorated room back to rights, cleared up all the decorating kit, hoovered, dusted all surfaces and cleaned the carpet in that room. I stopped about 4pm to cook a roast dinner. DH finished up and was done by 5.30. We sat down with teen for a family roast. Cleared up jointly after the roast - all done and dusted by about 7pm. The evening now our own for back to work stuff, chilling, listening to radio, reading etc. Both headed up to bed about 10.30ish.

Is this a particularly busy or taxing weekend?

To my mind it was really chilled and lovely. A good balance of social, family and couple time, some jobs done (and nice rewarding ones where you can see the difference!), but plenty of downtime.

I'm generally more assertive than DH and not one to sit around, so I just want to sense check that I'm not working DH into the ground or not listening to his needs! DH is very mild natured and easy going, so even a grumble from him is pretty unusual. If it is too much work, too busy, I want to hear that!

We're late 40s/early 50s, and generally fit and healthy. I'd say we have a pretty great relationship and enjoy each other's company.

OP posts:
PlumpAndGrump · 04/10/2023 16:37

Definitely not a chilled weekend

MysteryBelle · 04/10/2023 16:44

A chilled weekend could be represented by this comprehensive list:

  1. Nothing
  2. Maybe even in pajamas all day for two days
  3. Maybe not even a shower
  4. Maybe our behinds are glued to the sofa for hours and hours
  5. Several naps
  6. Maybe an easy food or grocery delivery so step outside for three seconds barefoot in pjs to retrieve the food then back to the sofa and tv or tablet
  7. No getting ready for the week, leave it til Monday morning.
Kwasi · 04/10/2023 16:46

If we’re decorating or doing DIY, there’d be no socialising going on that weekend.

Tohaveandtohold · 04/10/2023 16:57

That’s not a chilled weekend to me. We only do big diy jobs like painting, doing the garden, fence, etc on bank holiday weekends or weekends where we have some sort annual leave the week after for this reason.
Everything else is chilled except that

PandaExpress · 04/10/2023 17:00

I think you way you describe it sounds like a nice relaxing weekend, but in reality it sounds like a none stop weekend to me. It's nice to have the odd Saturday or Sunday where we do nothing (apart from the usual cooking and household chores) But do nothing on the 'to do list' and see nobody else and don't leave the house. Just to concentrate on relaxing and louging round. I think your DH sounds like he just needed one of those days.

MoonShinesBright · 04/10/2023 17:12

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

TiredMummma · 04/10/2023 17:24

This sounds like my dream weekend 😂 it's what I hope happens when our kids grow up. The painting/decorating sounds hard work though, but that sounds like just a one off. Do you have housework like that every weekend?

ThreeRingCircus · 04/10/2023 17:27

Goldfish41 · 04/10/2023 16:09

For those that asked, I'd describe myself as gently extroverted, I would say DH is also gently extroverted. We both like being around people, but neither of us are loud, life and soul of the party types. I don't think the social side was an issue for DH at all, nor the eating out.

Being introverted doesn’t mean you don’t like being around people, or socialising, that’s a misconception. I’m a sociable introvert, I love seeing my friends, eating out etc, what I means is that I need balance. If I’m doing all that I can’t then be on the go with chores as well. Somewhere in there had to be some downtime. Perhaps that’s the issue with your DP?

I'm a sociable introvert too and this would describe me perfectly. I really enjoy going out and seeing people but I need to balance that with chilled time just reading a book, or watching a film, or a long bath. Just pottering and not being scheduled.

I'm happy to do DIY/household projects at the weekend too (no time during the week anyway) but I would still need some proper chill time so it would be a weekend at home getting jobs done and then crashing out on the sofa. No socialising on top of it.

Maybe you could plan one weekend day where jobs get done (a blind gets hung, the garden tidied etc) and the other day of the weekend you just do fun stuff. Or if you have bigger projects you have one busier weekend balanced by one very quiet weekend.

I love seeing people, I love going out but the constant relentlessness of always having things to do would exhaust me. I need a few weekends dotted in there to just completely relax.

mrsm43s · 04/10/2023 17:55

DangerousAlchemy · 04/10/2023 16:31

You seem very defensive OP! not sure why you've come on here asking a question when you keep arguing with people just giving you their opinion. Feels a bit like you're showing off how exciting your weekends are & telling us all we're a bunch of introverts and insisting your husband doesn't need alone time lol.

Good Lord! Showing off about my exciting weekend of going to Aldi, painting walls and carpet cleaning! Really?

I'm getting a bit defensive and fed up about people continually telling me my extrovert husband is an introvert, and telling me to treat him like one, when I've clearly said he's not. Not really sure why everyone things they know him better than I do, since they've never met him, and I've been married to him for 25+ years! He doesn't want more time to himself doing nothing or more time alone - he wants more fun, sociable time and less of the "jobs".

To be honest, I take on board that he wants a weekend off of jobs, so that is what we are doing. He quietly puts me first all the time, so I'm conscious of the need to check myself and make sure I put him first sometimes, because he never does. So I really do take on board any little grumble from him, because he asks for so little. He's a superstar.

OP posts:
Goldfish41 · 04/10/2023 18:16

Ok sorry OP! I don’t think anyone’s saying they know him better, a lot of people don’t even realise they are a form of introvert themselves, understanding of it has grown a lot in recent years. Pointing out this sort of possibility that someone might not have thought about is kind of the point of this forum…. Glad you’ve resolved it anyway now.

TotalOverhaul · 04/10/2023 18:29

I'd think that was a pretty busy, productive weekend. but i am quite low energy. So decorating a room as well as hosting friends, going out for drinks, walks and brunch - all that would slightly overwhelm me. I would want at least 1/2 a day entirely to myself to think my own thoughts, go at my own pace, have no demands made on me, to consider a weekend relaxing.

bigshort · 04/10/2023 18:30

Sounds super relaxed and easy to me. No-one had to work, no-one had to get up early, no-one had to ferry anyone around or stand pitch side in the rain or attend dull birthday party, there was no real exercise or exertion, just gentle socialising and a bit of fairly simple DIY.
Can't see anything to complain about.

MrsB74 · 04/10/2023 18:35

I’m by no means an introvert - I love socialising, eating out etc., but your constant need to be doing jobs would drive me insane! We own a house, but do not need to do maintenance jobs every weekend - housework, laundry, bit of exercise, cooking, food shopping and walking the dog would be my only jobs most weekends. I would view socialising as downtime, but it can be tiring - especially if it’s every day over the weekend. We keep the house in good order and it’s well decorated etc., but I love a day (or maybe even two) just chilling, watching tv/reading my book etc. I work full time and like (need) lazy weekends - I think I’m quite lazy full stop! People that never sit still are not my people.

avocadonny · 04/10/2023 19:06

If I'm understanding your posts correctly, I'm like your DH in that I don't mind a bit of socialising, but inherently don't enjoy DIY / house jobs. And maybe don't quite see the same urgent need for it.

Once in a while can be fun (especially working together) and you get a sense of accomplishment.

But with my DP it never ends - always non stop jobs on the weekend, rinse and repeat the next weekend. No doubt he think it's light / 1 or 2 jobs just like you, as your example sounded familiar to me. I think it's the never-ending aspect, and the fact that he's typically quietly dissatisfied (just about the undone jobs/ DIY that needs doing around the house, before we start/finish the job, specifically – otherwise he's one of the loveliest people I know relationship and mood wise) that's a mental and emotional drain on me.

Hummingbird233 · 04/10/2023 19:10

As an introverted person, thats quite a bit for me. I'd have preferred either friends on Friday or family on Saturday. But it's hardly a taxing weekend, but neither is it completely chilled (which would be zero plans and pottering about to me).

BetterWithPockets · 04/10/2023 19:17

mrsm43s · 04/10/2023 13:00

We do routinely do online shops during the week. This was a one off as we only had a few bits to get as I'm running down the freezer before Christmas, so we didn't need too much. I know this sounds sad, but we quite enjoy an occasional Aldi shop to look at the aisle of crap, and to pick up unusual things we don't normally have.

Most weekends we do some jobs or other. Not always as big or disruptive as decorating, but there's usually something to do in the house or garden. We do like to keep the house in a good state of repair and decoration, and the garden and outside areas maintained. We also entertain quite a bit, so there's often a bit of prep work related to that.

‘We do like to keep the house in a good state of repair and decoration, and the garden and outside areas maintained.’

We — or you? (That’s a question, not a dig, I promise. My DH sounds a bit like you; he can’t sit and do nothing for longer than half an hour, and even that’s pushing it. I, on the other hand, can…)

Schadenfreudunsure · 04/10/2023 19:18

It's a bit too much going out for me.

I relax most deeply at home doing nothing but vegging around on the sofa in comfortable slobby clothes with a good book or great tv/film and a glass of wine.

socialising with people and having to make the effort to go out is actual 'effort' and not top-level downtime to me.

People are different.

margotrose · 04/10/2023 19:18

To be honest, I take on board that he wants a weekend off of jobs, so that is what we are doing.

I think the problem is that you get some kind of satisfaction from being busy all the time, whereas your DH doesn't.

Please take note of the people telling you that it's not usual to have every weekend filled up with jobs, tasks and activities. It's really okay to just stop and take a break,

mrsm43s · 04/10/2023 19:41

BetterWithPockets · 04/10/2023 19:17

‘We do like to keep the house in a good state of repair and decoration, and the garden and outside areas maintained.’

We — or you? (That’s a question, not a dig, I promise. My DH sounds a bit like you; he can’t sit and do nothing for longer than half an hour, and even that’s pushing it. I, on the other hand, can…)

We, not just me, but being honest, I think my standards are higher than his. So he would definitely want things fixed and kept in good repair, kept functional and kept tidy. But I'm the driving force to improve things - so decorating for aesthetics rather just than to fix damage, upgrading flooring/furnishings etc. For example he'd like the garden kept tidy, mowed and weeded, paths swept and fences painted etc. I'm the one who would want to add bedding, pot up hanging baskets, build a new deck, add a patio etc. He sees the importance of maintenance and good repair - I'm probably on a path of continuous improvement!

OP posts:
Underestimated4 · 04/10/2023 20:38

It does sound busy to be, I would want at least one day of the weekend to just relax, nice walk, lunch, film. If every weekend was like this I’d struggle as I like to have ‘free’ weekends which aren’t planned around meeting friends and doing DIY.

Mumof3children · 04/10/2023 20:51

Doing diy or chores every weekend just isn’t nice. It’s just draining and boring. Is it an option to either put in extra effort and get everything done in one weekend or to hire in someone to finish up the diy and do some big chores?

felisha54 · 04/10/2023 20:53

Sounds like a typical weekend to me. A meal or two out, dog walks, seeing family for a few hours and a bit of housework/ gardening.

JLou08 · 04/10/2023 21:00

You need to just ask your DH if it's too much and ask him what he wants to do. Everyone has different needs and wants and they can vary week to week. That sounds like a lovely weekend to me on a typical weekend but some weekends I would want a lot less.

autiebooklover · 04/10/2023 22:58

This was my weekend-
Friday night
Cooked tea /Did pots while dh worked 4pm
Went to book club for first time 6pm
Got a call 20 min in autistic child's tablet is in my car and he is melting down
Left new book club 7pm
Helped calm ds
Bathed and put ds to bed with dh 730-830
Had a bath 830
Bed 930
Saturday
Got up 7am
Got ds breakfast
Walked dog 830-930
Worked 10-1/dh played with ds/got ready/did lunch
Lunch
Took ds to get a haircut and shopping 2-4
Walked dog 4-5
Made tea and did pots /dh worked in garden all day laying new patio 1-6
Both put ds to bed 730-830
Watched tv
Bed 930
Sunday
Got up 7 am
Got breakfast for ds
Walked dog 8-9
Cleaned house 9-1030
In-laws came , entertained mil/made lunch/ prepped tea/ took ds to park while dh and fil did garden 11-5
All had tea
Did pots
Both put ds to bed 730-830
Watched tv
Bed 930

Yours sounds wonderful

purplehair1 · 04/10/2023 23:56

Sounds like a great fairly relaxing family weekend? Is he saying it’s a problem? I like to feel like We’ve accomplished something during a weekend