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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think this is a fairly normal/chilled weekend?

295 replies

mrsm43s · 03/10/2023 16:23

DH had a gentle huff about always having stuff to do on the weekends. When I raised an eyebrow at him, he back tracked and just muttered about being tired and grumpy.

I'm genuinely surprised that he raised this, as I thought out weekend was pretty normal, and actually, if anything, I think we have a pretty easy time of it now.

To set the scene, during the week, we both predominantly WfH with max 1-2 days each in the office, and we tend to work approx 8-4, with an hour lunch break. As a result most day to day washing, cleaning etc is kept up to date as we go along, as they are frankly short days, and we have plenty of time to keep on top of stuff during the week. We have 2 "children" - one is away at Uni, and the other is in Sixth Form, both good kids and pretty independent without much input required from us apart from the general parental support and guidance. Kids can drive, so not having to run them round to activities and social life any more. Household stuff is shared pretty equally, we tend to work well as a team.

So this weekend:

Friday evening - popped to see friend in pub for a drink straight from work at 4, then went for an early meal out with friends. Back home by 9.30ish and an early night after a lovely evening.

Saturday- lay in til about 9, went together to do a small supermarket shop, got back had a light lunch. We then did some decorating (repainting Uni teen's walls with a fresh coat of emulsion - so nothing taxing and room is already prepped and ready to go, first coat already done) from about 12.30 til about 3.30. DH then met his sibling and niece for a dog walk, whilst I prepped dinner. Sibling and niece joined us for dinner, then left about 9. DH and I chatted for a bit over a glass of wine, and then headed up to bed by around 10-10.30.

Sunday - lay in til about 9. We both took dog out for a leisurely walk, followed by brunch out together. Back home by about 12.30. Then we put teens newly decorated room back to rights, cleared up all the decorating kit, hoovered, dusted all surfaces and cleaned the carpet in that room. I stopped about 4pm to cook a roast dinner. DH finished up and was done by 5.30. We sat down with teen for a family roast. Cleared up jointly after the roast - all done and dusted by about 7pm. The evening now our own for back to work stuff, chilling, listening to radio, reading etc. Both headed up to bed about 10.30ish.

Is this a particularly busy or taxing weekend?

To my mind it was really chilled and lovely. A good balance of social, family and couple time, some jobs done (and nice rewarding ones where you can see the difference!), but plenty of downtime.

I'm generally more assertive than DH and not one to sit around, so I just want to sense check that I'm not working DH into the ground or not listening to his needs! DH is very mild natured and easy going, so even a grumble from him is pretty unusual. If it is too much work, too busy, I want to hear that!

We're late 40s/early 50s, and generally fit and healthy. I'd say we have a pretty great relationship and enjoy each other's company.

OP posts:
thing47 · 04/10/2023 09:38

Personally I think it sounds reasonable @mrsm43s, the only thing I would add is that if your DH found it too busy, there was quite an easy fix in leaving some/all of the Sunday afternoon tidy-up. You could have cleared away the decorating stuff so the room was clear but left the cleaning/tidying/hoovering to be done during the week or the following weekend. That way your DH would have basically had the afternoon free and might have felt he hadn't been doing jobs all weekend.

For me, having some downtime on a Sunday afternoon makes all the difference to how I feel about work the following week! Just a thought.

123Squirrel · 04/10/2023 09:43

See this weekend seems really busy to me, not chilled. I'd find all the socialising with different sets of people too much as it tires me out but I'm neurodiverse and need some time in-between to recharge. If was drink with friends Friday night, Saturday lay-in, decorating ( i'd send other person to do shop) & Sunday pottering at home, dog walk & roast/TV night be fine.

midgemadgemodge · 04/10/2023 09:45

I'm with you squirrel- Friday seems particularly stressful with not a moment to unwind

CorrieFan86 · 04/10/2023 09:52

It sounds lovely, but not that chilled. There was literally NO time on Saturday to just sit around doing nothing, and only a few hours on Sunday.

Perhaps it's not necessarily about THIS weekend in isolation, but what every other weekend has been like in the last couple of months. I find that every 4-5 weeks I need one weekend where we do NOTHING. I mean, apart from any absolutely necessary housework and a trip to the shop for fresh air, just laze about on the sofa, read a book, sit in the garden, maybe a craft project, films, telly... don't see anyone, don't do any non-urgent chores, no DIY. Maybe that's what he wants from time to time too..?

Sartre · 04/10/2023 09:56

Sounds chilled to me but then I have 5 DC who still need ferrying around everywhere and we still do family activities most weekends plus catch up with the washing, cleaning etc.

boomtickhouse · 04/10/2023 10:00

The fact that you planned your weekend "off" in such detail by 9am on weds morning suggests it's not really a weekend off at all. You "gave him a choice" but how about if that choice is not decide until Friday night ...

Namechange13101 · 04/10/2023 10:01

Yes not a chilled weekend by any means....for ours to be chilled we have "comfy sunday" which involves us generally not doing anything bar maybe a walk or trip to the park with DD5 and DS2!

Ippagoggy · 04/10/2023 10:04

I'm a mega introvert and just reading what you wrote has stressed me out. It's way too much for me. My husband, on the other hand, would love to have a weekend like the one you described. It's taken many years, but eventually we have reached a few compromises.

You should sit down with your husband and ask him what an ideal way to spend a 'normal' weekend would be in his books -- but ask with genuine curiosity rather than trying to convince one another that one way of spending a weekend is better/worse. For example, your comment about "not one to sit around" is probably more judgemental than you realise. Some people need a lot of downtime and are easily overstimulated by normal "everyday" things. (Me, for example! And to me it's not wasteful, it's what allows me to rest and feel good about myself.)

Hopefully you'll be able to come up with some middle ground so that you can both have a bit of what you want and feel happy knowing that the other person is getting what they want too.

mrsm43s · 04/10/2023 10:06

boomtickhouse · 04/10/2023 10:00

The fact that you planned your weekend "off" in such detail by 9am on weds morning suggests it's not really a weekend off at all. You "gave him a choice" but how about if that choice is not decide until Friday night ...

I asked him what he fancied doing - and he told me!

Given that several of the things he wants to do potentially include others, we do actually need to check with them and make arrangements!

If he'd have said "do nothing", then we would have no plans. (Well, he'd have no plans - I'd go spare sitting on my behind for 2 days straight, so I'd probably make a few solo plans tbh).

OP posts:
mrsm43s · 04/10/2023 10:08

I'm going to say it again -as lots of people don't seem to accept it. My husband is NOT an introvert, and he enjoys socialising. Seeing people/making plans with people is not a problem for my husband.

OP posts:
RedPony1 · 04/10/2023 10:11

Seems pretty chilled for me.

I couldn't bare to have a day off doing nothing, that would stress me out.

Your weekend sounded just normal to me, definitely not taxing.

midgemadgemodge · 04/10/2023 10:29

Introvert extrovert sounds a little too simplistic view

He can enjoy socialising and still need some proper downtime and space

CraftyPance · 04/10/2023 11:03

I love socialising, I also love occasionally to have a day at the weekend with zero plans. Alternatively I also enjoy weekends where its back to back. Need an actual day off every now and then though to recharge.

margotrose · 04/10/2023 11:04

mrsm43s · 04/10/2023 10:08

I'm going to say it again -as lots of people don't seem to accept it. My husband is NOT an introvert, and he enjoys socialising. Seeing people/making plans with people is not a problem for my husband.

Being introverted doesn't mean you don't enjoy socialising, though.

It means that you recharge by being alone, whereas extroverts recharge by being around others.

mrsm43s · 04/10/2023 11:09

midgemadgemodge · 04/10/2023 10:29

Introvert extrovert sounds a little too simplistic view

He can enjoy socialising and still need some proper downtime and space

Yes, I agree it's simplistic, but so many posters are saying that because they are introverted, they wouldn't enjoy the socialising. I'm trying to make it clear that my DH does enjoy the socialising, and doesn't wish to reduce that at all, and this is nothing to do with him being introverted, since he isn't.

In an ideal world, I think he'd like to do nothing but socialising and leisure activities all weekend, which is perfectly understandable. But, isn't it part of adult life that there are things that need to be done outside of work hours? Things like house and garden maintenance? To me, the idea that weekends should be completely clear of responsibilities and jobs seems an unusual expectation for a home owning adult.

I'm trying to work out whether my expectations are unreasonable or not, and I'm taking on board what people are saying, and mostly taking on board that my DH has expressed the need for a weekend completely free of jobs. So that is what we are doing. It doesn't, however, stop the fact there are still things that need to be done, and every weekend can't possibly be all fun and no jobs. But if he's feeling run down and in need of a break, then we'll take a break. I don't want him to end up burnt out and unwell, and I don't want him to be unhappy.

OP posts:
mrsm43s · 04/10/2023 11:13

margotrose · 04/10/2023 11:04

Being introverted doesn't mean you don't enjoy socialising, though.

It means that you recharge by being alone, whereas extroverts recharge by being around others.

My DH recharges by being around others. He does not desire or crave alone time.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 04/10/2023 11:18

Sounds fine to me, but if it’s not working for him, and he’d like more introvert alone time, he needs to talk to you about what he’d like to see happening.

Do you have a shared calendar at all? He could block out some bits of time where he could just have time to himself?

Some of the things you’ve mentioned are obviously “once in a blue moon” stuff like painting and reorganising rooms, so many he’s focussing unduly on that?

Some things like going out with friends - can just one of you go if the other doesn’t feel like it?

Would he rather cook brunch at home than eat out?

Some of the activities like the dog walk with family (rather than alone) and having his family for dinner seem to be in his gift to do or not though, so he sounds a bit U there.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 04/10/2023 11:19

mrsm43s · 04/10/2023 11:13

My DH recharges by being around others. He does not desire or crave alone time.

Just seen this which changes most of what I’ve said!

I think he’s just unduly fixating on the room reorganisation and feeling like it’s “every week” when clearly it won’t be!

TedMullins · 04/10/2023 11:20

mrsm43s · 04/10/2023 11:09

Yes, I agree it's simplistic, but so many posters are saying that because they are introverted, they wouldn't enjoy the socialising. I'm trying to make it clear that my DH does enjoy the socialising, and doesn't wish to reduce that at all, and this is nothing to do with him being introverted, since he isn't.

In an ideal world, I think he'd like to do nothing but socialising and leisure activities all weekend, which is perfectly understandable. But, isn't it part of adult life that there are things that need to be done outside of work hours? Things like house and garden maintenance? To me, the idea that weekends should be completely clear of responsibilities and jobs seems an unusual expectation for a home owning adult.

I'm trying to work out whether my expectations are unreasonable or not, and I'm taking on board what people are saying, and mostly taking on board that my DH has expressed the need for a weekend completely free of jobs. So that is what we are doing. It doesn't, however, stop the fact there are still things that need to be done, and every weekend can't possibly be all fun and no jobs. But if he's feeling run down and in need of a break, then we'll take a break. I don't want him to end up burnt out and unwell, and I don't want him to be unhappy.

yes I do think this is unreasonable! I’m a home owning adult and I don’t have a never ending list of jobs. Most of my weekends are all fun and no jobs (or doing absolutely nothing because I need that). I mean yes there are minor things that I could make a to-do list out of like fixing the broken toilet roll holder or painting over some chips in the wall but they’re not really urgent are they? I don’t see something and immediately want to fix it though. I do it if and when I can be arsed. Unless the house is about to fall down I don’t see what jobs you think keep cropping up on a never ending list. The decorating of the teen’s room I wouldn’t class as urgent or a need at all, it’s absolutely a choice.

bumblingbovine49 · 04/10/2023 11:29

I am afraid I am with your husband on this. I would have enjoyed the socialising but the house stuff, decorating, cleaning , decluttering , even the cooking a roast dinner which you have to start at 4/5pm to be ready by 7pm all sound my idea of a busy and stressful weekend . I don't like doing home based stuff, it isn't fun and it makes me tired . I know it needs doing but I ration how much I do in a weekend so often stuff doesn't get done and the house could be in better repair generally but I can't bring myself to care that much .

My perfect chilled weekend involves socialising and reading or just doing nothing when at home

DH on the other hand likes.to be really busy so he's probably say it was a nice weekend though I doubt even he would say it was chilled

bumblingbovine49 · 04/10/2023 11:33

If also like to say that I am definitely not an introvert. My perfect weekend is very busy with time out of the house with others mixed with some some time chilling at home . The chilling involves , very little time spent on household stuff as I am fundamentally a lazy extrovert who need a bit of down time doing absolutely nothing in between social event.

I should have been born to the aristocracy 100 years ago 😂

mrsm43s · 04/10/2023 11:35

TedMullins · 04/10/2023 11:20

yes I do think this is unreasonable! I’m a home owning adult and I don’t have a never ending list of jobs. Most of my weekends are all fun and no jobs (or doing absolutely nothing because I need that). I mean yes there are minor things that I could make a to-do list out of like fixing the broken toilet roll holder or painting over some chips in the wall but they’re not really urgent are they? I don’t see something and immediately want to fix it though. I do it if and when I can be arsed. Unless the house is about to fall down I don’t see what jobs you think keep cropping up on a never ending list. The decorating of the teen’s room I wouldn’t class as urgent or a need at all, it’s absolutely a choice.

Well, we live in a lovely house, which probably holds most of our wealth in it's equity, so I do think keeping it maintained and in good order is essential. The teens room had paint pulled off the walls, a filthy make-up stained carpet, and we have guests staying in it in 3 weeks, so yes, I do think that it was a fairly urgent priority to get it repainted and the carpet cleaned.

Things that are broken get fixed. Not necessarily straight away, but I'd expect it done on the next weekend that we had capacity to do it. I wouldn't be happy living in a house that had broken things or was poorly maintained. It wouldn't be a pleasant environment to live in, and the house would lose value.

At the moment we've had more decorating than usual to do, as the result of an extension. We're pretty much at the end of this now. Things still on the list are sorting out the garden for winter, taking some garden waste etc to the tip, resealing the bath which seems to have developed a slow leak (so we're having to use a different shower), one room left to decorate from the extension. We have a few shelves and blinds etc to put up in the new rooms too. Once that stuff is done, we'll probably be into prep for Christmas - so Christmas shopping, planning menu, ordering meats, making Christmas cake/pudding/pickled onions, getting Christmas decs out, choosing Christmas tree etc. Some busy weekends, but fun stuff! This is the kind of thing I mean by a never-ending to do list. Surely this is normal?

OP posts:
margotrose · 04/10/2023 11:39

My DH recharges by being around others. He does not desire or crave alone time.

Great. I was just clarifying what introvert meant as you seemed to think that introverts didn't like socialising which absolutely isn't the case.

margotrose · 04/10/2023 11:43

But, isn't it part of adult life that there are things that need to be done outside of work hours? Things like house and garden maintenance?

Well, yes, but not every weekend and certainly not for eight hours at a time.

Is all this maintenance actually necessary or is it just you like to be busy?

RedbrickOrNoBrick · 04/10/2023 11:44

I'll marry you OP! We'll do lots of fun stuff AND have the house fixed by Christmas
(I have pre teen sporty kids. I haven't 'chilled' on a weekend since 2013)

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