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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this is a fairly normal/chilled weekend?

295 replies

mrsm43s · 03/10/2023 16:23

DH had a gentle huff about always having stuff to do on the weekends. When I raised an eyebrow at him, he back tracked and just muttered about being tired and grumpy.

I'm genuinely surprised that he raised this, as I thought out weekend was pretty normal, and actually, if anything, I think we have a pretty easy time of it now.

To set the scene, during the week, we both predominantly WfH with max 1-2 days each in the office, and we tend to work approx 8-4, with an hour lunch break. As a result most day to day washing, cleaning etc is kept up to date as we go along, as they are frankly short days, and we have plenty of time to keep on top of stuff during the week. We have 2 "children" - one is away at Uni, and the other is in Sixth Form, both good kids and pretty independent without much input required from us apart from the general parental support and guidance. Kids can drive, so not having to run them round to activities and social life any more. Household stuff is shared pretty equally, we tend to work well as a team.

So this weekend:

Friday evening - popped to see friend in pub for a drink straight from work at 4, then went for an early meal out with friends. Back home by 9.30ish and an early night after a lovely evening.

Saturday- lay in til about 9, went together to do a small supermarket shop, got back had a light lunch. We then did some decorating (repainting Uni teen's walls with a fresh coat of emulsion - so nothing taxing and room is already prepped and ready to go, first coat already done) from about 12.30 til about 3.30. DH then met his sibling and niece for a dog walk, whilst I prepped dinner. Sibling and niece joined us for dinner, then left about 9. DH and I chatted for a bit over a glass of wine, and then headed up to bed by around 10-10.30.

Sunday - lay in til about 9. We both took dog out for a leisurely walk, followed by brunch out together. Back home by about 12.30. Then we put teens newly decorated room back to rights, cleared up all the decorating kit, hoovered, dusted all surfaces and cleaned the carpet in that room. I stopped about 4pm to cook a roast dinner. DH finished up and was done by 5.30. We sat down with teen for a family roast. Cleared up jointly after the roast - all done and dusted by about 7pm. The evening now our own for back to work stuff, chilling, listening to radio, reading etc. Both headed up to bed about 10.30ish.

Is this a particularly busy or taxing weekend?

To my mind it was really chilled and lovely. A good balance of social, family and couple time, some jobs done (and nice rewarding ones where you can see the difference!), but plenty of downtime.

I'm generally more assertive than DH and not one to sit around, so I just want to sense check that I'm not working DH into the ground or not listening to his needs! DH is very mild natured and easy going, so even a grumble from him is pretty unusual. If it is too much work, too busy, I want to hear that!

We're late 40s/early 50s, and generally fit and healthy. I'd say we have a pretty great relationship and enjoy each other's company.

OP posts:
AmateurDad · 05/10/2023 00:03

For me the phrase “dusted all surfaces” was a bit of a reveal… sorry but it sounds like you don’t quite get that you’re operating at one tempo and he (quite reasonably) is about 30bpm slower…

PandaExpress · 05/10/2023 01:06

To be honest, it sounds like the house owns you, rather than you owning the house! The constant lists and plans that have to be executed every week sounds like an obsession.
I get the need for maintenance. I've got lovely big house. Everybody who comes here comments on it (I'm not being braggy, it's relevant) It sometimes feel like we're painting the forth bridge, keeping it looking good. But, we don't let it consume every weekend. Like you, I enjoy decorating and get a kick out of a job being done and looking good. My DH isn't too fussed, he'd never decorate! But I also need downtime and to not think of what jobs need doing.
I also get the investment way you are thinking. Our long term plan is to down size here and buy a holiday home with the funds. But again, it's our family home first and foremost. The investment part is way, way at the back of my mind.
We have weekends with no, or little jobs. And I'd see how your DH feels about approaching a weekend without plans in place. You seem like a planner, but maybe a bit less structure some weekends, would be more relaxing.

KoalaChaos · 05/10/2023 01:38

I mean.... I'd do it but I wouldn't be relaxed and I'd be desperate for the next weekend to come round so I could finally relax.

I've also been known to work until 3am if needed to get a job over and done with and out of the way so I can take a propper day off at the weekend.
Even with neighbours attached, painting the walls is basically silent so could be done late at night on a Wednesday after work for instance.

And 2 social events on the Friday and one on the Saturday would be terrible for me. I'd pick one of them and the others can wait their turn for their weekend to come around.

The supermarket shop I do do. But I'm trying to swap that out for a weekday evening when possible too. Not for relaxing reasons or being too busy with activities, but just because supermarkets are quieter and more manageable places at about 8pm on a weekday. And in comparison to prime time on a weekend they tend to be better stocked too.

Constant dog walks are the reason I don't have a dog. I wouldn't want to be having to go out for a walk everyday with no option for "I just don't feel like it today" but that's a thing you expect to have to do when you get a dog.

Beyond chilling with a glass of wine between 9-10 on Saturday night it doesn't sound very relaxing and in our house would be known as a 'lost weekend'

JRM17 · 05/10/2023 02:49

That sounds like a holiday to me. I work 3 out of 4 weekends (12hr shifts) and on my one weekend off I generally lie in till 10am sat then it's "balls to the wall" all weekend trying to fit in activities with DS (6), shopping, ironing, washing, cleaning (house), cleaning (car), cleaning (animals) then any homework and reading with DS.

Harperhan · 05/10/2023 08:26

Sounds pretty full on to me. Where does he get to just sit down and chill.

SD1978 · 05/10/2023 08:29

Wouldn't be my idea of a chill weekend- the socialising if that's your think, fair enough but all the DIY as well- I'd not feel that relaxed.

Jeevesnotwooster · 05/10/2023 08:46

Mine would be similar with more kids/cleaning. Not sure I'd consider it particularly chilled though. Especially if you're decorating.

Chilled to me is long bath/couple of hours reading/film or meal with immediate family only

Whatelsecouldibecalled · 05/10/2023 09:10

Sounds like a blissful weekend. But then my children are 1 and 3 and I can't remember the last time I went to the toilet on my own never mind anything else so my vision may be screwed

Lovesocksie · 05/10/2023 09:27

Phew! I’m knackered just reading that!
I’d love the walking bit though.

On a serious note you say your husband is lovely and literally never complains so it really does seem that he’d had enough to even say anything at all. He shouldn’t need to backtrack and say he’s just grumpy, he should feel able to say ‘I’ve had a shit weekend doing all these jobs’ or whatever.

We’re all different I guess!

Montegufoni2017 · 05/10/2023 11:33

Your life sounds blissful, genuinely. Well balanced and enjoying this phase of life. But it does sound like you never got to sit down much so maybe he was just a bit tired and grumpy. Cause decorating is pretty tiring, satisfying at the end sure, but tiring.
maybe this weekend let him take the lead with plans or no plans? He probably just felt like there wasn’t much downtime.

Abfab63 · 05/10/2023 11:59

Sounds like a lovely weekend to me.

EaudeJavel · 05/10/2023 12:10

It has to be done at some point, but having to waste a weekend doing chores sounds like hell to me.

It's not a "busy" weekend as such, but I would bored.

It's all relative: going away for the weekend and not sit down a minute between breakfast and diner is more "chilled" to me than having to stay home and clean/ cook/ do diy. The first one will cheer me up, the second would drive me up the wall. Some people love staying in their pjs all Sunday to watch tv, I can't think of anything worst. I've always tried to avoid doing any house chores at the weekend too.

I would rather book 2 weekends, and go full blast evenings and weekends to get diy out of the way for good, than having to see it drag on for months. It's depressing.

it's not about "normal", it's about what you prefer doing.

WhisperingAngle · 05/10/2023 12:16

That sounds very chilled and lovely to me - I'd consider my weekends to be very similar but with a lot more walking the dogs and running, and I love my relaxed weekends!

Ffion21 · 05/10/2023 17:04

Sounds a great weekend to me

AllstarFacilier · 05/10/2023 18:51

That would be a busy weekend in our house!

Londonmother50 · 05/10/2023 19:27

Your weekend sounds lovely to me. Productive and social.

Rapunzel91 · 05/10/2023 20:27

Shocked about the amount of comments that this is too much or full on, sounds nice to me!

You both get to have long lay ins, no rushing kids around and the amount of time dyi-ing is not excessive. I could probably do without some of the socialising as I find that draining but other than that a nice weekend!

TheLightProgramme · 05/10/2023 20:35

I wouldn't call it chilled.

Do you ever have a lazy day? Where you don't do any jobs? I like at least one of my weekend days to be pure leisure - eg it might be:

  • morning: go for a bike ride & end up at a nice pub for a light lunch
  • afternoon: read, play a board game, see a friend, swim, play tennis, whatever you like to do for fun, in an unscheduled, low effort way
Dinner - get a takeaway Evening - slum it in pjs to watch a film
TheLightProgramme · 05/10/2023 20:43

This reminds me of a conversation i had with a rather houseproud friend. She was continuously on a rotating schedule to repaint her walls, so that everywhere got repainted at least once every couple of years.

I have lived in my house 8 years. Ds, DD & our room have not been repainted in that time!!

Singlespies · 05/10/2023 20:48

Would have been a lovely weekend if you weren't decorating!

Samlewis96 · 05/10/2023 21:58

Ace56 · 03/10/2023 16:38

That would be a chilled weekend without the decorating. With the decorating, it’s pretty busy and not much down time or time to just do nothing, so I can see where he’s coming from.

I hate sitting around doing nothing . After half hour of it I start going stir crazy. Sounds like a pretty relaxed weekend to me.

Toenailz · 06/10/2023 07:32

It doesn't matter what's mumsnet thinks (though glad to see some posters agreeing with the DH). It matters what your partner in this relationship thinks.
He's voiced he feels worn out and wants a chilled weeekend. Listen to him. It's not all about you. If by your own admission he does what you say and what you want him to do in the name of 'happy wife = happy life', I think you need to actually take this in. A life spent ONLY trying to make my OH happy, rather than myself as well? I'd be feeling worn out as well. I think you're taking him for granted a bit.

You can do what he wants for once. Or better yet. Leave him to veg next weekend and go do your own thing. Get a hobby to do one day a week, or go off and see friends alone. I'm a horse rider and got a share horse for 2 days per week. One weekday and one weekend. I think he really valued the weekend day he could just chill, not be badgered about 'things to do' and ongoing projects. I was happy because I'm like you OP, always on the go and can't sit still. Always a project so I was happy to still do this.

I found that doing something just for myself for a day or two a week did me, and him wonders.

I say this kindly from experience where my OH said the exact same thing to me once. I get it's hard when your partner doesn't match your leisure time wants but it's easy to compromise rather than have it all your way.

Toenailz · 06/10/2023 07:45

'I'd say we have a pretty great relationship and enjoy each other's company.'

What would he say?

What you want him to say, I suspect.

There's a whole lot of 'I' in your posts. A lot of them dressed up as 'we'.

Original poster
mrsm43s · 06/10/2023 08:22

Toenailz · 06/10/2023 07:32

It doesn't matter what's mumsnet thinks (though glad to see some posters agreeing with the DH). It matters what your partner in this relationship thinks.
He's voiced he feels worn out and wants a chilled weeekend. Listen to him. It's not all about you. If by your own admission he does what you say and what you want him to do in the name of 'happy wife = happy life', I think you need to actually take this in. A life spent ONLY trying to make my OH happy, rather than myself as well? I'd be feeling worn out as well. I think you're taking him for granted a bit.

You can do what he wants for once. Or better yet. Leave him to veg next weekend and go do your own thing. Get a hobby to do one day a week, or go off and see friends alone. I'm a horse rider and got a share horse for 2 days per week. One weekday and one weekend. I think he really valued the weekend day he could just chill, not be badgered about 'things to do' and ongoing projects. I was happy because I'm like you OP, always on the go and can't sit still. Always a project so I was happy to still do this.

I found that doing something just for myself for a day or two a week did me, and him wonders.

I say this kindly from experience where my OH said the exact same thing to me once. I get it's hard when your partner doesn't match your leisure time wants but it's easy to compromise rather than have it all your way.

Erm, if you read the full thread, you'd see that I have listened to him, and next weekend is free from jobs and we're doing exactly what he has chosen this weekend (film night with friends, day out with the dog at the beach followed by meal out with friends, Sunday lunch at the pub followed by board games with friends.) He could have opted for "do nothing", but that isn't what either he (nor I, although it's not relevant for this weekend, since it was entirely his choice) enjoy. I really don't take him for granted, indeed I tend to look out for him and put him first, just as he puts me first. I know it's really alien on Mumsnet, where people seem to hate their partners, but we have a strong, happy marriage and we both have consideration for each other, work well as a team and love spending time together. I may be the louder of the two of us, and better at articulating my needs, but his feelings and wants are equally important and given just as much priority as mine.

For what it's worth, he actually has more hobbies outside the home than me, and spends two nights every week pursuing his activities with his friends. I tend to spend that time having time to myself - one night I tend to have a long bath and a bit of pampering, and the other night I do some crafting or similar. Our lives don't revolve around my wants at all, one might even say the opposite. But overall, I'd say we have a good balance and are both happy.

My main surprise, and the reason for this post was that I genuinely thought that it was a fairly easy and chilled weekend. For the last two decades, we've mainly been running around after children and life was much harder work, and our weekends were fairly non-stop. A weekend with just a few hours of DIY each day felt quite chilled to me, far more so than weekends of dashing the kids around to activities and parties, standing on the side of the football/hockey pitch and trying to keep on top of the kids school stuff etc as we were doing a year or so ago. A few years ago we could only have dreamed of lay-ins, meals out as and when we please etc.

OP posts:
5128gap · 06/10/2023 08:32

I'm your age group and your life sounds almost identical to mine.
Yes, imo that would be a lovely chilled weekend for people in good health, with no childcare to juggle alongside any it, and a very manageable work life balance during the week so you're not desperate for a rest.
I feel very relaxed and satisfied when I get a balance like the one you've described.