SIL checking school website for my DD holiday schedule instead of just asking me

[Katcon]

I'm not sure where to start there has been do many strangecthings happened with MIL and SIL over the last few years I don't know if its me overreacting or them trying to distance themselves from us.

Firstly I have two kids DD(5) DS(4). MIL and SIL have always had DD one or two days a week from my daughter was about 6 months old. She used to stay over at their house once a week most weeks.

The relationship got a bit strainedbetween them and my DP and I when I was pregnant with my son. We found out that he had down syndrome and a heart condition. They tried to recommend abortion but DP and I had no intention of aborting. We were told we were silly it would be hard work and we could try for another child. This caused a strain but they never mentioned abortion again but this is when things become strained.

Up until this point I thought we were all very close but things started to change then. Unfortunately they never went back to the way they were before hand.

Over the years there have been various things that have annoyed me like them not visiting him in the hospital regularly when he was first born. SIL came once when he was 3 days old and then not until he was about a month old. MIL never saw him until he was a month old. Then they would visit him weekly for approx 1 hour. They still took my daughter one day a week until she started reception but due to son being tube fed they have only ever had him for 2-3 hours at a time a handful of times a year. This is due to not being willing to kearn to feed him and inconvenience of having both being hardwork.

Now DD is at school I thought they might offer to have DS occasionally but no offer made still no attempt to learn to feed him. It has got to me over the years and I just don't know if I'm overreacting but I just don't know I'd they love him they say they do but actions often contradict the words.

I also think they are trying to distance themselves more because recently SIL has let slip she was checking DD holidays on school website rather than just asking me when they were. So they can be aware of when they may have her for the day. Still no mention of DS going with them.

AIBU to think this shouldn't be happening and more of an effort should be made with both kids or none of them. Or does this seem normal and I am just overreacting?

They had your older child one or two days a week? Why?

Why are you expecting the same for other children?

Sounds rather entitled of you TBH. Maybe they're helping you both out enough as it is? Maybe they're uncomfortable with looking after a child with a serious medical condition?

Kindly, YABU. I had a child with similar issues, I would never have expected anyone to mind him it's a huge responsibility and worry to someone who is not his parent and used to all of his needs.

There's literally no issue at all with a website being checked by a family member who helps so much with childcare.

Unfortunately you do come across very entitled in this post, sorry.

I think this only feels like an issue because of the background - it just emphasised the effort and involvement they feel they have with DD, but not DS.

We have family in England, Scotland and Wales. I always check all the respective school holidays before suggesting when we can get together, rather than having the conversation meander to that point or have the grandparents choose a date straight away that someone can't make. I just see it as part of planning, not as stepping on toes. My family do the same kind of checking, it just saves us all waiting for each other to check.

Checking the dates on thr website is sensible. My dad does the same and i sometimes ask him when the holidays are so i can't understand why this would be an issue.

It's hard to comment on the rest based on a couple of paragraphs. I would feel quite nervous about taking om this kind of responsibility for a child who wasn't mine. It sounds like they do a lot for your family. I think how they are with him and how they speak about him now is what is important.

I think you are confusing two separate issues. Putting their relationship with your son to one side, if they regularly have your other DC there’s nothing wrong with checking school dates. I regularly check dates of my nieces and nephews to see when they have INSETS etc and may need to have them.

You're not overreacting.

I have the same issue, my in laws will have my eldest but never my youngest as he has diabetes type one and they've never once bothered to learn about his diabetes & how to look after him in which case he cannot go as it's a risk to his life.

Your in laws want the easy life. I stopped bothering with mine because of the same issue. It's favouritism .

The responsibility of a child with the needs you have described would worry many people. Me included if I'm honest. It's unfair on your son, so I can see how it has upset you.
I don't think you sil did anything wrong by googling the school term dates. It's easier and quicker to Google information on the public domain than it is to ask you to check it for her.

I can imagine you are hurt on your little ones behalf - I would be too.

They may be concerned that your DD life differing from before - having a sibling that requires tube feeding/ medical support etc. They want to keep offering her - her space. Which if it was communicated and agreed - is not a bad idea as such but given their behaviour it comes across as callous and unjust to her younger sibling.

They probably thought that looking for the information rather than asking you was making your life easier.

You cant make them feel comfortable taking your son - but I really would not be removing this space/freedom/respite (sorry not quite explaining what I am trying to say here) for your daughter. I would want her to maintain that space for herself while being sad her sibling was not getting the same.

I think it’s good for your DD to have time away from her brother so she can just have some fun / do things on her own terms. So from that perspective, provided your DD enjoys their company, I think you should keep up the visits. It’s tough though - have you ever asked them to have DS so YOU could have quality 1-2-1 time with your DD?

The thing is you may have been mortally offended by their suggestion and the relationship was damaged. But I note it wasn't that damaged. As you still continued to use them as childcare one day a week until she started school.

And now you're upset because they won't offer yet more of their time for free childcare?

The entitlement is shocking.

Many if not most people would have concerns taking on a regular commitment with a child with very specific needs. It's a massive ask of someone.

But they warned you when you were pregnant. You made your choice (quite rightly) but you cannot be offended if all the things they said would happen actually happen.

You’re getting a hard time for no reason.
Checking the website is something I do rather than ask family and friends, that’s normal. But for you it’s a symptom of your relationship.

It sounds like they are properly terrible telling you to terminate, which people do. But then not to visit her newborn grandson for a month is horrendous. They sound like horrible people I’m sorry

Such is life with disabled children- no one had mine for a minute before he was 3, and now only one person feels able to look after him, occasionally.

I check the holiday dates online for my best friends kids so I know when she will need childcare- I could ring her, ask her to check, she could check and ring me back, but what would be the point?

The simple fact is they are your children, no one else ever has to have them for you. I regularly take my nieces and nephews away on holiday with us, have them for sleep overs etc- neither of their mums has ever had my son for me.

I know their comments may have hurt in the past but this is something even professionals will discuss. I think you are underestimating looking after a child with additional needs. It is not their responsibility to do this. I would just be grateful they are looking after your DD so that you can focus on your DS.

No less than 5 very competent friends have messed up half term dates this year as they are slightly different than usual. For human error reason only I would refer to the school holiday website : I’ve done it with my own nieces and nephews when planning holidays.

These are two separate issues that you are conflating.

Would you really deny your daughter a relationship with her grandmother and aunt because they do not feel able to care for her younger brother?

I think it's fairly unusual that your DD stayed with them so frequently and so early on. Many children don't start staying a way from home until they are at infants.

Checking the school website is a non-issue, I prefer to see the calendar than just be given a list of dates.

Your DD gets to have some respite and 1:1 time with family.

Your DS gets to have 1:1 time with you.

I wouldnt take overall responsibility for a child with medical conditions I wasn't familiar or well practised in. But I would support in other ways, like offer to take the other child/ren.

My parents mentioned abortion as an option for me once as I was going to become a single mum in my early 20s. It was mentioned, I made it clear I wasn't interested and it was never mentioned again. They offered the option to be supportive and to let me know there was no shame in that option.

Whilst they didn't visit your DS as a newborn did they support your family in other ways, help out with the house / look after DD?
When was he a newborn? Did it coincide with covid regulations?

Sounds like you had an unusual level of involvement with your first DC, which is fine if everyone's on board with it. But they were quite brutally clear from the start that they weren't on board with your decision to keep your second DC so I don't know why your expectations are for them to treat him the same, especially given the level your son's needs. It's not the same prospect for them so they're less involved, although their involvement isn't an unusual level, it just looks that way compared to his sister.

As PP says, it's probably good for DD to get the time away as it's good for your DS to get one-to-one time with you, so I wouldn't cut them off at this point to make a moral stand. The time to do that was way back when it was clear they weren't on the same page with DS, but you were either very naive about that or banking on/feeling entitled to the same level of help. You have benefitted from their help but the flipside is they're not such nice people and can't handle the needs of your DS, which is good reason for not wanting them to look after him anyway. As for the school website, that's not really the issue is it.

My I offer a different POV?
My sibling's youngest has serious medical needs, and I've never minded them, but willingly did babysit the older ones when they were babies.

I did offer to undergo the training necessary to help give them some respite but my sibling pointed out that the responsibility of caring for needs like that is too much for them to put on someone. If I made a mistake through my incompetence or lack of knowledge I would never forgive myself. So while I can see my offer to help was genuine, I can also see how much I underestimated the skills and training required to do the things they do routinely. So while I know they need the respite, I know I'm not the one to safely offer it to them.

It doesn't mean that I love their youngest any less than the siblings.

We are a family who is used to disability and SN due to other family members, but I also recognise that many people who have zero experience of a loved one, especially a child with SN would find it immensely daunting to offer to care.

What a pickle.

As long as your DD likes going & they want to have her, I'd let that carry on because it's good for her to have some space that revolves around her. With younger siblings (especially those with additional needs).

I think MIL not visiting DS until he was a month (& SIL only twice) Is awful. I assume you believe if he didn't have Down Syndrome that wouldn't have been the case? Do you think it's possible they thought he wouldn't live & didn't want to get too attached?

Obviously them suggesting an abortion upset you, but you seem to have been close to them at the time. Maybe they were just trying to support you if you wanted to make that decision. Too many unknowns for us to say.

Have they ever had anyone in their lives with additional needs? Maybe they're just unsure how to be around him, afraid of upsetting you?

maybe they're just nasty...

we don't know them.

we also don't know what you've said/done to encourage a relationship between them & DS.

Have you suggested they go out for the day with you & DS while DD is at school? Or even just spend the day at yours.

maybe they just need to build up their relationship with DS, without having to do the 'care' just yet?

you need to concentrate on the relationships, not the childcare.

My parents mentioned abortion as an option for me once as I was going to become a single mum in my early 20s. It was mentioned, I made it clear I wasn't interested and it was never mentioned again. They offered the option to be supportive and to let me know there was no shame in that option

Yeah I think it was a pretty normal conversation to have with close family given the circumstances and the OPs family never mentioned it again once they made it clear it wasn't an option for them. I think they probably felt awkward visiting after the reaction to that conversation and the cooling off after which I presume was led by you and your husband.

It's a big ask to expect them to get trained up in your sons needs and I know I feel nervous anyway when looking after kids that aren't mine in case anything goes wrong, looking after a kid with health issues would just be too much for lots of people, especially when the relationship is strained anyway. I'm sure they would be equally nervous of how you would react if something went wrong on their watch given the strained relationship.

Checking the school calendar is not strange, it may just seem easier. However I’d struggle with the very different treatment of the DC and wonder if I’d want to facilitate this moving forward. I’ve noticed with family members that when they take care of a child a lot they begin to cross the line into acting like a parent and not seeing the boundaries that are there.

Feels like there's a ton of backstory here. Your DH / partner also feels very absent here, for an in-laws post.
Why did they have your DD overnight and 1-2 days a week until reception - was it due to your work, due to you wanting a break or driven by then wanting to see her? I did wonder if their view was that you already needed/wanted time off with 1, and a child with health conditions might be a step too far.

This does sound a bit what it's like when you say "Now DD is at school I thought they might offer to have DS occasionally" - as if you're looking for the respite rather than the relationship.

This is very understandable, especially after they recommended abortion. I also feel like your But as a fellow SEN mum, if you have trusted people who will care for at least one of your children, hold onto them, if only for your own sake. Your DH could step up here, maybe taking your son there so they have time together and get to enjoy him before talking about childcare.

Taking your post at face value. You say they don't want the bother of learning to feed DS nor the inconvenience and hard work of having both children.

Would it be nice if they did? Of course it would.

Do they have to? No they don't.

The decision to go ahead with the pregnancy was a difficult one, but by the sound of it you didn't engage with them or had any meaningful family conversations about what this could mean and the impact it would have. It came across as you made the decision between the two of you and were dismissive of their concerns. Therein lies the problem.

If you dismissed their concerns, you aren't really in a position to expect them to step up later down the line.

I feel terrible saying this OP but YABU

I child swap in the holidays with a relative who has a child in a school over the county border so the dates aren’t the same as my DC. Rather than bother his mum I would much rather google dates

On the subject of your DS - it’s one thing looking after a baby, it’s another looking after 2 babies/children only a year in age apart with one having very specific needs. They probably haven’t learned how to tube feed him because they probably don’t want that responsibility of having to potentially get it wrong with someone else’s child. I wouldn’t do it with anyone else’s.

I think that even with able bodied children, babysitting for 2 at a time is something that not many people are willing to do. My ILs will look after one of my kids but I can’t get them to have both at once. I don’t blame them - it’s hard work with any child when there’s more than one