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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL checking school website for my DD holiday schedule instead of just asking me

153 replies

Katcon · 03/10/2023 10:18

I'm not sure where to start there has been do many strangecthings happened with MIL and SIL over the last few years I don't know if its me overreacting or them trying to distance themselves from us.

Firstly I have two kids DD(5) DS(4). MIL and SIL have always had DD one or two days a week from my daughter was about 6 months old. She used to stay over at their house once a week most weeks.

The relationship got a bit strainedbetween them and my DP and I when I was pregnant with my son. We found out that he had down syndrome and a heart condition. They tried to recommend abortion but DP and I had no intention of aborting. We were told we were silly it would be hard work and we could try for another child. This caused a strain but they never mentioned abortion again but this is when things become strained.

Up until this point I thought we were all very close but things started to change then. Unfortunately they never went back to the way they were before hand.

Over the years there have been various things that have annoyed me like them not visiting him in the hospital regularly when he was first born. SIL came once when he was 3 days old and then not until he was about a month old. MIL never saw him until he was a month old. Then they would visit him weekly for approx 1 hour. They still took my daughter one day a week until she started reception but due to son being tube fed they have only ever had him for 2-3 hours at a time a handful of times a year. This is due to not being willing to kearn to feed him and inconvenience of having both being hardwork.

Now DD is at school I thought they might offer to have DS occasionally but no offer made still no attempt to learn to feed him. It has got to me over the years and I just don't know if I'm overreacting but I just don't know I'd they love him they say they do but actions often contradict the words.

I also think they are trying to distance themselves more because recently SIL has let slip she was checking DD holidays on school website rather than just asking me when they were. So they can be aware of when they may have her for the day. Still no mention of DS going with them.

AIBU to think this shouldn't be happening and more of an effort should be made with both kids or none of them. Or does this seem normal and I am just overreacting?

OP posts:
Disappeared · 03/10/2023 11:45

when you were pregnant you made it very clear you were willing to be a carer of a disabled child, they made it equally clear they wouldn’t be

Cyantist · 03/10/2023 11:49

I check my DNs school dates instead of asking their parents. Seems silly to bother them when they're busy, just to ask something which I can find out in 30 seconds of googling.

Regarding looking after your son, you can love someone but still appreciate it's too much hard work for you to look after them on your own.

BarelyCoping123 · 03/10/2023 11:49

It makes far more sense to to check the school website, than to bother you (and get possibly wrong information)

LadyBird1973 · 03/10/2023 11:55

Did you want them to have your dd do much or was this something they pushed for?

When a relationship has tension, it's very easy to see everything the other person does, through a negative lens. I think that's what you are doing with them looking at the website for term dates.

I wouldn't judge them for not learning how to feed DS - this might be fear of having that level of responsibility. But I would judge if they show no interest in him and don't buy gifts that they would buy for dd. So basically treating them unequally.

Their relationship with dd is separate to the one they have with you and it's been formed by them having lots of involvement in her care - whether you like it or not, you can't deny her (or them) that relationship (assuming no wider issues). And it is good for her to have that level of one to one time and attention now that she has a high needs sibling.

I wouldn't hold it against them that they thought terminating the pg was the best option - having a high needs child is massively life changing and many people wouldn't cope. But now he's here, they should be showing interest do I'd try to repair the relationship, invite the around and see if you can help them to build that bond.

Passepartoute · 03/10/2023 11:56

I help out with collecting my nephew from school once a week. When I wanted to check term dates, to me it made perfect sense to look on the website rather than bother his parents. What difference does it make?

havingmetime · 03/10/2023 11:57

You're very lucky to have in-laws that can commit to having your dd once or twice a week and of course they can look on the school website to check dates for a child they're involved with.

I dont think I'd feel particularly comfortable contacting you either when there's an easy way of checking without having to call.
I also think you're overlooking the impact it has on a child when they have a sibling with disabilities and for them to give your dd some time and attention will be very important to her.

You do seem very entitled to be honest.

ittakes2 · 03/10/2023 11:57

This to me is not just about learning something - it’s about being comfortable with taking on the responsibility of looking after a child with additional medical needs.
I am not surprised the back ground has influenced your perception of them - but I am guessing looking after your older child helps you a lot.
I am neurodiverse and love spending time with children with Down syndrome I just have to be interested in helping them and I don’t worry if I have missed social cues…but take medical responsibility - sorry that would be too much worry for me.

kamboozled · 03/10/2023 12:00

Honestly, just going by what you've written (which is just a snippet) I feel they don't love him because of his down syndrome - and that's not something they can change.

I'm happy you're okay to look after and tube feed your disabled son, but please understand that they made it clear they wouldn't be

Coughingdodger · 03/10/2023 12:01

All these pps saying they couldn’t be expected to take on the medical responsibility of looking after a child relative with special needs. Well newsflash, the parents managed to learn. And it would be great if they could have a break now and again. If you really cared about helping them, you’d make the bloody effort.

PrimalOwl10 · 03/10/2023 12:02

It sounds like his got complex needs, I wouldn't feel comfortable looking after my nephew who has CF. Unreasonable to expect them how to learn to assign with his tube feeding. I understand its hard but your expectations are too high.

PandaExpress · 03/10/2023 12:02

Checking the school website. Completely reasonable.
Treating your DS as less worthy than DD, unreasonable.
They don't have to learn to tube feed him, no. But everything you've said makes it sound like they don't really want to bother with him. They obviously think that they advised against going through with the pregnancy, so why should they have to take a carer role on. Which is awful and hurtful and I get why it upsets you 💐

Pinkdelight3 · 03/10/2023 12:05

Well newsflash, the parents managed to learn.

It's not a newsflash. People aren't idiots and have thought this through and still say what they say. The OP chose to have their DC, knowing what they were signing up for. With the same knowledge, the ILs made it clear they wouldn't have made that choice, and indeed it wasn't their choice to make. But they can choose now not to have the DC. The parents have made their choice. I understand that not all parents are aware in advance so that's different, and some will feel they have no choice because of religious beliefs etc. but that doesn't change the fact that it's their child and of course they have to learn. Other people don't have to learn. And it's great, as you say, if others can give them a break now and again - and the ILs do give them a break now and again - but not as often as they did/do with the DD, which is understandable.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/10/2023 12:06

Coughingdodger · 03/10/2023 12:01

All these pps saying they couldn’t be expected to take on the medical responsibility of looking after a child relative with special needs. Well newsflash, the parents managed to learn. And it would be great if they could have a break now and again. If you really cared about helping them, you’d make the bloody effort.

I do it because I have to. Very few parents choose to have a child with complex needs (excluding the abortion issue here as it just isn't an option for many parents). I don't expect anyone bar me and DH to take on responsibility for not accidentally pushing liquid into his lungs or pulling his peg out during feeding (depending on how he's tube fed). Would it be nice? Yes. Is it the only marker of love? No.

BUT they should be treating the kids fairly.

user14699084660 · 03/10/2023 12:08

I think you're very lucky to have any childcare - unless we paid a childminder, we had no help whatsoever, so maybe be grateful they are happy to have your eldest.
It’s a lot to ask for your youngest though, maybe they just don’t feel competent to meet his needs?
My BIL and SIL had two children who i used to look after for a few hours a week when their shifts overlapped. I made it clear I couldn’t do anymore. They had a third, and were outraged I wouldn’t look after 3, even for a few hours. I just didn’t feel up to the task. Don't think they’ve got over it 10 years on! But i did warn them, and ultimately not my problem.

Crunchingleaf · 03/10/2023 12:09

Honestly, OP I have children of my own and one SEN, but I would never volunteer to take on the responsibility of a child with such high medical needs like being tube fed. It’s a massive ask.
The other thing is that the lives of children who have siblings with disabilities can be hugely impacted by those disabilities. Family life can end up revolving around the needs of the disabled person. This isn’t a judgment on parents in that situation it just is what it is. Does your DD benefit from spending time with the IL’s?

AbbeyGailsParty · 03/10/2023 12:18

People can be very scared of tube feeding, whether nasal or direct into the stomach. They’re bound to worry in case your ds vomits, chokes somehow. You’re used to it now but not everyone feels confident dealing with feeding they’re not used to. They could also be concerned about his heart condition, seeing risks where there may not be any.
If they are happy to see your dd and she is happy to go to them that’s fine. I don’t think they’re discriminating as such, I think it’s worries relating to his health.

Mistressanne · 03/10/2023 12:27

Presumably at 4 years old your ds can go 3/4 hours without a feed.
I think you’re upset OP because your ds is not being given the same attention as dd.
I would be upset too.
Your ds will soon realise he’s second and not equal.
Next time they ask for dd I would make it clear that I gave an activity booked with dd and if they could take ds out instead that would be great.

babyproblems · 03/10/2023 12:29

I think YANBU and they are clearly unkind. I’m a bit shocked at the posters who think this is ok behaviour. I’m not sure you can expect them to have your son for long periods of time but equally I would be facilitating activities for everyone as much as I could. I think they are being unkind to your son. I hope at family events they treat both children well. X

sodthesodoff · 03/10/2023 12:35

Coughingdodger · 03/10/2023 12:01

All these pps saying they couldn’t be expected to take on the medical responsibility of looking after a child relative with special needs. Well newsflash, the parents managed to learn. And it would be great if they could have a break now and again. If you really cared about helping them, you’d make the bloody effort.

Newsflash. They do

The op says they look after ds for a few hours. And are solely in charge. But she's upset as she wants them to look after him for longer. She basically wants more free childcare and is pissed they won't give it to her

The level of entitlement stinks.

Sounds like her in laws have provided free weekly childcare for years. They sound incredible.

Not sure where the fuck anyone else is in this family and why it's only these two members getting the flak. Especially when they actually providing regular support.

Millybob · 03/10/2023 12:40

You sound very demanding and if you're not careful, you'll scupper the very generous childcare that you're already getting.
The website issue is simply ridiculous; she was checking something online rather than bothering you with questions she could manage herself.

maras2 · 03/10/2023 12:43

I frequently check DGC's schools websites also DD's who's a teacher at a different school.
DD and DS have no problem with that.
Why would they? Confused

SparkyBlue · 03/10/2023 12:46

You are very lucky to have such good childcare. I'd start to appreciate them more if I were you

Noidlet · 03/10/2023 12:50

As the parent of a 4 year old with Down Syndrome I'd very gently suggest that you're being unreasonable. My child is not medically complex but I've seen a full range of medical concerns within the community and how hard it can be.

My parents are great and really hands on. I trust them but it is a big ask for them to look after my child with Down Syndrome for an extended time.
They've had him 3 times overnight in 4 years to facilitate us going away to weddings or similar, always staying at our house to not disrupt routine.

We now have a baby and I wouldn't dream of my parents having to handle both children at once. It's just not fair.
When speaking to other parents within the community this seems to be pretty normal even when the children get a bit older.
I'd readjust my expectations if I were you if you want any relationship to continue.

Erdinger · 03/10/2023 12:50

I think your expectations are too high. Not everyone feels comfortable looking after a child with additional needs.

EaudeJavel · 03/10/2023 12:51

Coughingdodger · 03/10/2023 12:01

All these pps saying they couldn’t be expected to take on the medical responsibility of looking after a child relative with special needs. Well newsflash, the parents managed to learn. And it would be great if they could have a break now and again. If you really cared about helping them, you’d make the bloody effort.

true, but parents don't have the choice. They do it because they have to.

Relatives do have that choice.

They are not coming out in a great light, but they don't have or need to do anything. They don't seem to be offering other kind of help either, that they could do, and not go further than offer to babysit the DD. Unfortunately, you can't change the way they think.