SIL checking school website for my DD holiday schedule instead of just asking me

[Katcon]

I'm not sure where to start there has been do many strangecthings happened with MIL and SIL over the last few years I don't know if its me overreacting or them trying to distance themselves from us.

Firstly I have two kids DD(5) DS(4). MIL and SIL have always had DD one or two days a week from my daughter was about 6 months old. She used to stay over at their house once a week most weeks.

The relationship got a bit strainedbetween them and my DP and I when I was pregnant with my son. We found out that he had down syndrome and a heart condition. They tried to recommend abortion but DP and I had no intention of aborting. We were told we were silly it would be hard work and we could try for another child. This caused a strain but they never mentioned abortion again but this is when things become strained.

Up until this point I thought we were all very close but things started to change then. Unfortunately they never went back to the way they were before hand.

Over the years there have been various things that have annoyed me like them not visiting him in the hospital regularly when he was first born. SIL came once when he was 3 days old and then not until he was about a month old. MIL never saw him until he was a month old. Then they would visit him weekly for approx 1 hour. They still took my daughter one day a week until she started reception but due to son being tube fed they have only ever had him for 2-3 hours at a time a handful of times a year. This is due to not being willing to kearn to feed him and inconvenience of having both being hardwork.

Now DD is at school I thought they might offer to have DS occasionally but no offer made still no attempt to learn to feed him. It has got to me over the years and I just don't know if I'm overreacting but I just don't know I'd they love him they say they do but actions often contradict the words.

I also think they are trying to distance themselves more because recently SIL has let slip she was checking DD holidays on school website rather than just asking me when they were. So they can be aware of when they may have her for the day. Still no mention of DS going with them.

AIBU to think this shouldn't be happening and more of an effort should be made with both kids or none of them. Or does this seem normal and I am just overreacting?

1. YABU in that they may not feel able to take care of DS with higher needs.
2. However, YANBU at all to feel hurt if they show no interest in DS' life, show less affection to DS, etc. It's natural to be a bit closer to DD if they have her once a week, but if it's clear differential treatment due to his disability, then that's not on at all.

I think this is likely to be less about your DS complex needs and just as much about him being a second grandchild. The first grandchild is novel, it's exciting and people jump at the chance to help out, by the time the second arrives they start to want their life back a little.

They probably do have a greater bond with dd since they've been looking after her regularly since she was a baby. And because your son has more complex needs, the relationship with him hasn't developed on the same way.

I'm wondering where your husband is in all this - does he ever offer to do anything with his family and DS? Maybe he should be talking to them about how hurt you both were when they pushed for you to end the pregnancy and that he would like them to bond with DS. Maybe they perceive that you want childcare and not a bond - upthread I said that when relationships are strained it's easy to see all actions through a negative lens. That goes both ways - maybe the distance between you means that they see your efforts as wanting childcare rather than a relationship. It might be better and easier to fix if their son talks to them and explains where you are both coming from.

Sometimes though, people do just have favourites and ordinarily I wouldn't say to tolerate it, but I think you'd be harming your DD if you stopped her from having that time with her grandparents and aunt.

Do your own parents see a lot of DS? Maybe that's where things could even up a bit. I'm not sure your DS will notice unless you make it an issue - as things are it's just a long standing habit for dd to go to grans and unless you point out the inequality, he might not think about it.