Page 6 | SIL checking school website for my DD holiday schedule instead of just asking me

Katcon · 2023-10-03T09:18:24+00:00

I'm not sure where to start there has been do many strangecthings happened with MIL and SIL over the last few years I don't know if its me overreacting or them trying to distance themselves from us. Firstly I have two kids DD(5) DS(4). MIL and SIL have always had DD one or two days a week from my daughter was about 6 months old. She used to stay over at their house once a week most weeks. The relationship got a bit strainedbetween them and my DP and I when I was pregnant with my son. We found out that he had down syndrome and a heart condition. They tried to recommend abortion but DP and I had no intention of aborting. We were told we were silly it would be hard work and we could try for another child. This caused a strain but they never mentioned abortion again but this is when things become strained. Up until this point I thought we were all very close but things started to change then. Unfortunately they never went back to the way they were before hand. Over the years there have been various things that have annoyed me like them not visiting him in the hospital regularly when he was first born. SIL came once when he was 3 days old and then not until he was about a month old. MIL never saw him until he was a month old. Then they would visit him weekly for approx 1 hour. They still took my daughter one day a week until she started reception but due to son being tube fed they have only ever had him for 2-3 hours at a time a handful of times a year. This is due to not being willing to kearn to feed him and inconvenience of having both being hardwork. Now DD is at school I thought they might offer to have DS occasionally but no offer made still no attempt to learn to feed him. It has got to me over the years and I just don't know if I'm overreacting but I just don't know I'd they love him they say they do but actions often contradict the words. I also think they are trying to distance themselves more because recently SIL has let slip she was checking DD holidays on school website rather than just asking me when they were. So they can be aware of when they may have her for the day. Still no mention of DS going with them. AIBU to think this shouldn't be happening and more of an effort should be made with both kids or none of them. Or does this seem normal and I am just overreacting?

EaudeJavel · 03/10/2023 14:40

RedToothBrush · 03/10/2023 14:31

Lots of people may not see it as a choice, but lots DO. Because that information was available and alternative option was available and there could have been a different outcome - which is different to not having prior warning or abortion not being available at all.

The point is that the MIL and SIL indicated at the time they would have made different decisions. Thats relevant and gives a clear indication of how they felt they would be able to cope with a disabled child. The expectations of the OP really shouldn't be far removed from that original position.

And the extended family DO have a choice in how much support they are willing to provide now. They don't have to provide ANY, and thats what the OP needs to be mindful of.

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Well, the OP didn't CHOOSE to get pregnant with a baby who had a medical condition.

There.

The decision about her pregnancy are irrelevant.

My earlier points still stand, you can't force people and I don't disagree they are doing loads, but let's not go on about a choice that wasn't there.

Maddy70 · 03/10/2023 14:40

Of course they will check on a website rather than ask you ...
It's public information.

BoohooWoohoo · 03/10/2023 14:43

I think that there's 2 issues here.

It is not unreasonable to check the school website for holidays and want to have your dd less. Unless there's a drip feed like you work night shifts, they have looked after your dd a lot!
It is unreasonable to make no effort with ds.

I think that you need to have a conversation with MIL and SIL. If they want dd for the day over school holidays then I'd make the switch to that kind of arrangement.

As for your son, I think it's fine that he's not included yet but I would want him to be included in time with MIL when older so that he doesn't less loved. It is easier to look after one child and dd will hopefully get to do an activity that is catered to her needs and interest without having to consider a baby.

RedToothBrush · 03/10/2023 14:45

EaudeJavel · 03/10/2023 14:40

Well, the OP didn't CHOOSE to get pregnant with a baby who had a medical condition.

There.

The decision about her pregnancy are irrelevant.

My earlier points still stand, you can't force people and I don't disagree they are doing loads, but let's not go on about a choice that wasn't there.

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No she didn't chose to have that pregnancy, but she did have the ability to chose to continue it or not.

To say she had no choice is wrong imho.

To say she had a very difficult choice to make is accurate. But a difficult choice is still a choice (even if you are anti-abortion, if you live somewhere abortion is an option, it effectively makes it a choice albeit an easier one).

Because there were options other people WILL always percieve it as a choice, which they may or may not agree with, whether you are willing to admit that or not.

Having no choice is about a lack of information and a lack of option. The OP DID have the benefit of both.

DisquietintheRanks · 03/10/2023 14:47

Tube feeding looks scary but is actually very straightforward- but I didn't find this out until my ds needed tube feeding. So yes I think they should make more effort with your ds but I can also see that they may need coaxing and a bit of hand-holding.

Ultimately you don't have to let them spend time with either of your children but I think I'd try to build bridges rather than shut them down if you think they are fundamentally good people.

SnowflakeCity · 03/10/2023 14:48

Firebug007 · 03/10/2023 14:27

It's hurtful they don't want to get to know him but I understand their reluctance to tube feed tbh. You're familiar with it but to those who've never done it it's terrifying 💐

She never said that they don't want to get to know him? She said that they don't want to be his childminders.

HernesEgg · 03/10/2023 14:49

Good post from @RedToothBrush about reframing this as helping the whole family by giving you one on one time with DS and giving your daughter some respite from her brother, too.

HernesEgg · 03/10/2023 14:54

Oh, and OP, I think your perspective is also skewed by the fact that your ILs had your daughter one or two days a week from six months, and sleeping over one night — that’s a huge amount, and I think is an unhelpful basis of comparison to base your expectation of looking after another child into the bargain on, let alone a tube-fed child with additional needs. Seeing your DS weekly for an hour would be perfectly normal in many families, but you’re comparing it with an unusual amount of contact with your DD.

YeahNoYeah · 03/10/2023 17:11

1month · 03/10/2023 13:53

Yes OP and her DH were made aware of his condition and chose to have him.
Its in the OP.

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Yes I know its in the OP. Doesn't make you any less cold.

ConnieTucker · 03/10/2023 17:14

HernesEgg · 03/10/2023 14:54

Oh, and OP, I think your perspective is also skewed by the fact that your ILs had your daughter one or two days a week from six months, and sleeping over one night — that’s a huge amount, and I think is an unhelpful basis of comparison to base your expectation of looking after another child into the bargain on, let alone a tube-fed child with additional needs. Seeing your DS weekly for an hour would be perfectly normal in many families, but you’re comparing it with an unusual amount of contact with your DD.

This. You were unbelievable spoilt. How grateful were you?

BettyBallerina · 03/10/2023 19:24

I agree with you, OP. I think this is very, very sad for your ds who will come to think your dd is their favourite. I think that advising you to terminate and not visiting him for a month is just horrible. I’m sorry, it must be hard for you and I’m glad that you are prepared to stand up to them on behalf of your ds. And yes, I think checking the holiday dates online is controlling of them.

bakebeans · 03/10/2023 19:31

I think you are overreacting. I've never had my nieces or nephews overnight since 6m and my sister and brother never had mine. We've always babysat if needed for each other.

looking after your son is a lot different to looking after your daughter and they may simply feel that they cannot give him the care and attention he needs. That's certainly better than offering to have him but then failing him miserably

JST88 · 03/10/2023 20:07

Why did they have DD one or two days a week? That’s bordering on shared custody and I think that’s absolutely plenty when it comes to support. I’d be really daunted caring for a child with serious medical conditions and frankly, I’m a little perturbed as to why you’d want this as well? I get that you want them to have a great bond with your son as well as daughter, I do understand but life is extremely busy and coming to visit him once a week is more than average for grandparents etc. what’s the situation with your parents? Is it all on them? Is that maybe why the absolute most is expected of them? I think maybe you are harbouring resentment re their handling of the news your DS had downs and a heart condition? If so I totally understand that, they didn’t sound supportive in that situation and I really don’t think it’s anyone’s place at all to even utter the word termination to a pregnant mother

Coughingdodger · 03/10/2023 20:23

HernesEgg · 03/10/2023 14:49

Good post from @RedToothBrush about reframing this as helping the whole family by giving you one on one time with DS and giving your daughter some respite from her brother, too.

So parents of a disabled child never get to spend one on one with the child’s siblings/their own children? Because the people who supposedly care about them cba to take on the responsibility of the disabled child. They just want to do the easy bits and cuddle the sweet, easy children, leaning the parents with no respite.

Fine - it’s better than nothing - but at least own your degree of effort. Don’t frame yourself as a wonderfully caring friend or relative who does LOADS but is just too delicate to take on sad or difficult things. Instead, admit you’re half-arsed and not willing to roll up your sleeves to truly help.

Katcon89 · 03/10/2023 21:13

Firstly they started looking after my DD one day a week for a few hours to get used to looking after her before I returned to work. Then 2 days a week for childcare reasons when I was at work my parents had her the other 2 days I worked. I had originally offered to put DD into childcare but it was the family members idea that it be split this way so they all had time with her. She used to stay over at their house once a week most weeks again their choice because they wanted to have the time with her and help out with DP and myself.

On many occasions I offered to go out with them with DD and DS to let them get to know DS and his needs but on the one time they took me up on my many offers it was too much of an inconvenience because we needed 2 cars for the 3 adults and 2 car seats so no other offers were accepted by them or made by them. Not even if they have planned to stay at their house with DD.

Now DD is at school I thought they might make more of an effort with DS. Whether that be the four of us go out together or they take him but no effort has been made. It has got to me over the years and I just don't know if I'm overreacting but I just don't know If they love him and have actually accepted him or not They say they do but actions often contradict the words.

It's not about free childcare like a lot of people are assuming. Maybe I never explained clearly or used incorrect wording. It is about them having the same bond with my DS as they have with my DD. All I want is for my DS to be loved as much as my DD. I would be over the moon to be able to facilitate this but even suggesting I am present to care for him has not worked.

Green777 · 03/10/2023 21:23

Favouritism. The rejection of one of your children is hurting you, which is natural.

Although you’re grateful for the childcare for your DD no such effort is forthcoming with DS.

RedToothBrush · 03/10/2023 21:24

Coughingdodger · 03/10/2023 20:23

So parents of a disabled child never get to spend one on one with the child’s siblings/their own children? Because the people who supposedly care about them cba to take on the responsibility of the disabled child. They just want to do the easy bits and cuddle the sweet, easy children, leaning the parents with no respite.

Fine - it’s better than nothing - but at least own your degree of effort. Don’t frame yourself as a wonderfully caring friend or relative who does LOADS but is just too delicate to take on sad or difficult things. Instead, admit you’re half-arsed and not willing to roll up your sleeves to truly help.

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To put it bluntly. No. It's not their responsibility and they may just feel it's too much.

It sucks but it's a huge thing.

cestlavielife · 03/10/2023 21:27

It feels like discrimination and it is. But a secind child is more than one
Maybe as he grows they will get more involved. In meantime aporoach ss children with disabilities team see what respite you can sign up for.

SemperIdem · 03/10/2023 21:52

Katcon89 · 03/10/2023 21:13

Firstly they started looking after my DD one day a week for a few hours to get used to looking after her before I returned to work. Then 2 days a week for childcare reasons when I was at work my parents had her the other 2 days I worked. I had originally offered to put DD into childcare but it was the family members idea that it be split this way so they all had time with her. She used to stay over at their house once a week most weeks again their choice because they wanted to have the time with her and help out with DP and myself.

On many occasions I offered to go out with them with DD and DS to let them get to know DS and his needs but on the one time they took me up on my many offers it was too much of an inconvenience because we needed 2 cars for the 3 adults and 2 car seats so no other offers were accepted by them or made by them. Not even if they have planned to stay at their house with DD.

Now DD is at school I thought they might make more of an effort with DS. Whether that be the four of us go out together or they take him but no effort has been made. It has got to me over the years and I just don't know if I'm overreacting but I just don't know If they love him and have actually accepted him or not They say they do but actions often contradict the words.

It's not about free childcare like a lot of people are assuming. Maybe I never explained clearly or used incorrect wording. It is about them having the same bond with my DS as they have with my DD. All I want is for my DS to be loved as much as my DD. I would be over the moon to be able to facilitate this but even suggesting I am present to care for him has not worked.

Name change, op?

Have you spoken to them about this?

Outright said that you don’t expect the relationships to be identical but want to know that your son is loved too?

HernesEgg · 03/10/2023 21:52

Coughingdodger · 03/10/2023 20:23

So parents of a disabled child never get to spend one on one with the child’s siblings/their own children? Because the people who supposedly care about them cba to take on the responsibility of the disabled child. They just want to do the easy bits and cuddle the sweet, easy children, leaning the parents with no respite.

Fine - it’s better than nothing - but at least own your degree of effort. Don’t frame yourself as a wonderfully caring friend or relative who does LOADS but is just too delicate to take on sad or difficult things. Instead, admit you’re half-arsed and not willing to roll up your sleeves to truly help.

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What a strange post. I’m not framing myself as anything of the kind, simply pointing out that the OP’s relatives are under no obligation to look after any of her children, with or without disabilities. Her elder child has always had a lot of time with them, which distorts her expectations.

Blackandwhitemakesgrey · 03/10/2023 23:23

Coughingdodger · 03/10/2023 20:23

So parents of a disabled child never get to spend one on one with the child’s siblings/their own children? Because the people who supposedly care about them cba to take on the responsibility of the disabled child. They just want to do the easy bits and cuddle the sweet, easy children, leaning the parents with no respite.

Fine - it’s better than nothing - but at least own your degree of effort. Don’t frame yourself as a wonderfully caring friend or relative who does LOADS but is just too delicate to take on sad or difficult things. Instead, admit you’re half-arsed and not willing to roll up your sleeves to truly help.

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But why berate anyone for not helping with someone else's children?

I have never had help with my children. I've never been offered help and I've never complained about that. I think, if I was offered, I would say no because they are my responsibility.

Only if I was a single/lone parent, was closely involved with extended family and if we mutually helped each other out, I expect I may think differently.

ETA Mutually helping each other out does not mean 'allowing' extended family to have a child overnight on a weekly basis.

Dramatic · 03/10/2023 23:30

I cannot imagine being a grandparent and only wanting one of my grandchildren. Even if my grandchild had an extremely complex medical condition I'd want to learn as much about it as possible and do as much as I could to help out with them. YANBU op.

However the school term date thing is fine.

Dramatic · 03/10/2023 23:32

Blackandwhitemakesgrey · 03/10/2023 23:23

But why berate anyone for not helping with someone else's children?

I have never had help with my children. I've never been offered help and I've never complained about that. I think, if I was offered, I would say no because they are my responsibility.

Only if I was a single/lone parent, was closely involved with extended family and if we mutually helped each other out, I expect I may think differently.

ETA Mutually helping each other out does not mean 'allowing' extended family to have a child overnight on a weekly basis.

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It's about unfairness though, I don't think you should treat one child drastically different from the other.

Blackandwhitemakesgrey · 03/10/2023 23:40

Dramatic · 03/10/2023 23:32

It's about unfairness though, I don't think you should treat one child drastically different from the other.

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It is when you realise how much time they spent caring for the one child. It would be very difficult to do that with two children, even without complex medical care.

I think the OP took the free childcare as a given. The extended family truthfully informed her that they would not be doing the same thing for her second child and have stuck to their word.

The OP should not send her eldest child to them anymore if she cares so much about her children being treated differently yet she will because it suits her to have one child (if she can't have both) frequently minded by others.

SnowflakeCity · 04/10/2023 00:19

Katcon89 · 03/10/2023 21:13

Firstly they started looking after my DD one day a week for a few hours to get used to looking after her before I returned to work. Then 2 days a week for childcare reasons when I was at work my parents had her the other 2 days I worked. I had originally offered to put DD into childcare but it was the family members idea that it be split this way so they all had time with her. She used to stay over at their house once a week most weeks again their choice because they wanted to have the time with her and help out with DP and myself.

On many occasions I offered to go out with them with DD and DS to let them get to know DS and his needs but on the one time they took me up on my many offers it was too much of an inconvenience because we needed 2 cars for the 3 adults and 2 car seats so no other offers were accepted by them or made by them. Not even if they have planned to stay at their house with DD.

Now DD is at school I thought they might make more of an effort with DS. Whether that be the four of us go out together or they take him but no effort has been made. It has got to me over the years and I just don't know if I'm overreacting but I just don't know If they love him and have actually accepted him or not They say they do but actions often contradict the words.

It's not about free childcare like a lot of people are assuming. Maybe I never explained clearly or used incorrect wording. It is about them having the same bond with my DS as they have with my DD. All I want is for my DS to be loved as much as my DD. I would be over the moon to be able to facilitate this but even suggesting I am present to care for him has not worked.

I would imagine that's because they don't like you very much so don't want to do days out or hang out with you. You said yourself the relationship is strained ever since they brought up abortion, I'm guessing it was you and your husband that backed away from them after that conversation. You(plural) put distance emotionally between you and your ils but were still happy to take the childcare and were expectant that they would give even more.

Taking part in complicated days out after already childminding for 2 days a week is a big ask, I presume they have lives of their own that don't revolve are you.

My ils literally saw my kids once a month or so when we would call over for a few hours, never came to ours, never took part in complex days out etc. They love their grandkids and the grandkids love them but I don't think they would have appreciated the level of pressure or expectation that you seen to have place on your ils.