SIL checking school website for my DD holiday schedule instead of just asking me

[Katcon]

I'm not sure where to start there has been do many strangecthings happened with MIL and SIL over the last few years I don't know if its me overreacting or them trying to distance themselves from us.

Firstly I have two kids DD(5) DS(4). MIL and SIL have always had DD one or two days a week from my daughter was about 6 months old. She used to stay over at their house once a week most weeks.

The relationship got a bit strainedbetween them and my DP and I when I was pregnant with my son. We found out that he had down syndrome and a heart condition. They tried to recommend abortion but DP and I had no intention of aborting. We were told we were silly it would be hard work and we could try for another child. This caused a strain but they never mentioned abortion again but this is when things become strained.

Up until this point I thought we were all very close but things started to change then. Unfortunately they never went back to the way they were before hand.

Over the years there have been various things that have annoyed me like them not visiting him in the hospital regularly when he was first born. SIL came once when he was 3 days old and then not until he was about a month old. MIL never saw him until he was a month old. Then they would visit him weekly for approx 1 hour. They still took my daughter one day a week until she started reception but due to son being tube fed they have only ever had him for 2-3 hours at a time a handful of times a year. This is due to not being willing to kearn to feed him and inconvenience of having both being hardwork.

Now DD is at school I thought they might offer to have DS occasionally but no offer made still no attempt to learn to feed him. It has got to me over the years and I just don't know if I'm overreacting but I just don't know I'd they love him they say they do but actions often contradict the words.

I also think they are trying to distance themselves more because recently SIL has let slip she was checking DD holidays on school website rather than just asking me when they were. So they can be aware of when they may have her for the day. Still no mention of DS going with them.

AIBU to think this shouldn't be happening and more of an effort should be made with both kids or none of them. Or does this seem normal and I am just overreacting?

This is very good advice.

It's only natural that you should feel hurt that they appear to show less interest in your DS and its not something that can be easily overlooked, but @Marblessolveeverything is right.
They are still making an effort with your DD and she would benefit from that if it continues.
You would benefit too as it may give you more chance to have either time to yourself or 1 on 1 time with DS.

Perhaps that is the way they have decided to help as they don't know what your DS needs and are afraid to blunder by asking you - given that they know they have already blundered and upset you early on in the pregnancy, which was at a very emotional time for you and this has damaged the relationship and perhaps they are being overly cautious. They might actually be scared of putting their foot in it again and so have hung back - leaving it up to you to ask. They might have thought they were doing the right thing, but it has left you feeling hurt and unsupported.

The fact that they are still reaching out to help your DD is a positive sign. I don't think its favoritism as some have suggested its seeing something they can do to help and resolving to do it.

They haven't handled this well and they could have communicated better, but give them a second chance if you can.

You don't have to be best friends but they are still family and clearly still care for your DD.
Regarding the school dates, I think your SIL was doing what we all do - working out when the holidays start and thinking of suitable dates - without bothering you upfront so that she could offer you some workable dates, rather than do what some do make a vague suggestion that never happens. So I don't think you can blame her for that.

Now that you have had DS and have got used to caring for his specific needs, you are probably more used to things now and it sounds like you are coping well - so perhaps raising the issue with them now or instigating more contact would be easier and might make both sides feel a whole lot better. I hope that happens for you OP.

It’s not favouritism, it’s people not wanting to take the risk of looking after a child with additional needs.

I think it’s sensible

You as their parent see you two children as equals but their needs are not. They are obviously not comfortable caring for your second child’s significant extra needs and you can’t force that.

Whilst it would be nice for them to learn, it’s a huge task for people who’ve raised children, don’t the babysitting thing with GC and are older and I think it’s too much to expect anyone risk the health of your DS just to get a few hours babysitting in. Sorry whilst it would be nice the risk is just too huge for so many people

I think you may be a bit unreasonable, your In Laws had your DD one or 2 days a week plus an overnight that’s a lot, even if they love having her it’s still a big commitment and quite a responsibility. They suggested an abortion might be a option ( I think any close family member might do that it doesn’t make them monsters) also they might have framed it as being too much for you when they meant it would be too much for them. You decided to go ahead and have your precious DS but you cannot compel them to feel comfortable taking full responsibility for all his needs. I don’t see it as favouritism just them knowing their limits.

So you need other people to help with your first child so you go onto to have another? And now are complaining they don't jump at the chance?

I think checking the dates on the website is sensible. I don't doe my GC school. As it's less bother for their parents.
And I can understand your in laws being worried about caring for your son if he has particular feeding issues I think I would be worried about something happening to him.
But I don't think that is the issue here. I think you believe that your in laws have never accepted your son and if that is true I can understand your concern and you are not being unreasonable.
Do they engage with him when they visit? Do they ask about his health how he is doing etc do they buy him gifts comparable to those they buy for your daughter?

I think this is a fair summing up. After all, it's taken as a given that you'd need specialist childcare for a DC with additional needs, you wouldn't expect your DD's childminder to take them on just like any other DC as if required no extra skills or effort. It's wilfully blinkered to expect the same level of input from them and better to deal with this with your eyes wide open.

As a mother of a child who's still partly tube fed at 8, I can say there's a whole load of reasons people don't want to learn how to feed him that have nothing to do with love. In laws would have him an hour between feeds and now he's bigger feeds are don't only at night so people will have him for a few hours
But when I suggest all three, people are much less willing

So on the surface it's just welcome to life with multiple kids and extra special kids.

HOWEVER the caveat is how are they when they do see him? Do they treat DD differently? Do they favour her?

That is what you need to be led by, not their willingness to do childcare

I'm really surprised people think its OK to exclude a child because they have down syndrome ! How awful for your son and for you, knowing what they think.

I don't have any advice but I just wanted to comment that I completely see where you are coming from, clearly enjoy your daughter but don't even bother visiting your son.

Maybe if you've got the guts you could say you will be coming too so that your son can join in.

I babysit various nieces and nephews every so often but not my nephew with complex additional needs. I don't have the experience to care for him properly and frankly it's too much responsibility for me to take on when he's not my child. It doesn't mean I like him less than the others but it is a huge amount more work and responsibility to care for a disabled child. You must see that it's objectively a much bigger favour to ask. Of course it would be wonderful for you if they were prepared to do it but you can't expect it.

Checking holiday dates online before arranging things is considerate. The alternative is bothering you to supply information, which I think is slightly rude if you know how to get the info yourself.

But shouldn't they be balancing this by visiting him? Or inviting the mum along ?

I can understand them not wanting to tube feed. My DM was always very nervous about tube feeding my DS2, although she had watched me do it many many times, and so we didn't really ever ask her to. TBH even my husband was a bit nervous when he had to do it completely on his own!

But I do understand that it is hurtful that they don't seem to bother with your DS as much as they do with your DD. My MIL was the same - DS1 was the apple of her eye and DS2 (the one with the genetic disorder) was very much an afterthought, and is hard not to see a link between the disability and the in-laws' behaviour in those circumstances.

Your MIL & SIL shouldn't be made to feel that they have to look after your DS if they are not comfortable doing so, but they do need to make sure they are treating your DC equally in other respects.

I don't blame your family at all for not wanting to look after your son. My disabled child is now an adult and still 100% dependent on me, I am grateful for any help I get from family with my other children. Most people are in a similar situation, its very rare for extended family to treat disabled children as the same

Checking website is fine. They will feel differently about having your children because one is disabled and one isn't. But it seems like they make no effort to have a relationship with your don which is awful. On the other hand it must be nice for your dd getting that one to one time with them. If she enjoys her time with them I'd let it continue but try to encourage more of a relationship with your son, not necessarily babysitting. Of course if they treat you or your son badly you would be in your rights to stop the arrangement. But don't use your child as a bargaining chip.

But shouldn't they be balancing this by visiting him? Or inviting the mum along ?

They've had him for a few hours a handful of times a year. She doesn't say how often she sees them with DS and DD apart from that, she seems focused on the childcare aspect when they can look after the DC for her. She says:

This is due to not being willing to kearn to feed him and inconvenience of having both being hardwork.

So it's not about wanting them to visit when she's there or being there with DS when they're looking after DD. She wants them to look after her son for her, which as many people are saying, is not a fair expectation in the circumstances.

The mention of visiting seemed to be the time he was in hospital tho, that Mil didn't visit until a month and then only for an hour a week. I think as the parent it's easy to overlook how hard it can be for other people to come and visit a baby in an incubator surrounded by very sick babies and not knowing of he'll be coming home. That was my baby, and I think it's a very different kind of hard for extended family who might be wary of bonding with a baby in hospital who they may not get to keep.

Obv now everyone's home od expect them to visit at home to see both and treat them the same. Sleepovers for oldest only also fine as DS is tube fed and it's overwhelming responsibility for some people. I don't think DD should be stopped from having sleepovers because her brothers care needs are too high for the in laws. In the same way of op got respite for DS, he shouldn't be stopped going because DD can't go.

Is your DD happy with them?

Then, is it helpful to you that they still take your DD?

I would concentrate on that. They are already going above and beyond by proving so much childcare over the years. They are still around, still helping. It is unbelievably painful they don't trust themselves to be put solely in charge of your DS, but it's a big ask. The relationship with your DD is important too, and it helps you.

You have had and still have a huge amount of support looking after your kids.

They are probably nervous of the responsibility.

Plus having him, any child, for 2-3 hours a few times a year is a great help!

As for looking up term dates to plan when they can offer childcare is them not troubling you - she can make one move to find out dates - ask you - you look it up, tell her and get back to you, or she looks it up - same info without troubling you.

OP, I do think it is hard when you have a child with SEN / medical needs. I have one. You often feel vulnerable, hyper protective, v sensitive - and often with justification. But I see often on MN that families often start to put the brakes on childcare once there are 2 kids to look after etc.

I can see how it can't be nice, contrasting your MIL and SIL's involvement with your DD vs your DS, but they have done a lot of babysitting of your DD and if they were not up for that for your second child that would be totally acceptable I think, regardless of his extra care needs. You feel that it's a reflection of their negative feelings about him and that must hurt. But what can you do? Help is offered, you can't demand it. And if you think they're uncomfortable with him, would you really want him spending lots of time alone with them?

YANBU to feel upset about the difference in attitude towards your two children. You don’t mention how they are with DS when they do see him? I think that many people are uncomfortable with disability, especially when it occurs within the family.

However, I think YABU to expect them to look after DS. So I didn’t vote.

I don't think it's because they don't want to look after him. Maybe they are worried they won't do it right and make him poorly. They will learn just from watching you look after him. I think including them on day's out or a local activity would be better than expecting them to care for him on their own.

@Katcon
In your situation, some people might be grateful for the significant amount of assistance that you have received rather than complaining that you did not receive more assistance.
and helpful
Checking with the school in no way impacts you and it permits them to plan accordingly.

Unless asked, they were out of line in advising you to have an abortion, but given that you contributed to leave your daughter with them you could not have been to annoyed with them.

They are not obligated to provide child care for either of your children, and they have made themselves available and helpful for extended periods.

They may not feel comfortable dealing with feeding tubes and it is unreasonable to expect them to do so. They do spend time with your son, and have they really given you any reason to question their feelings for him.

I think that in this case, you should be far more grateful and far less critical.

Or does this seem normal and I am just overreacting?

Yes and yes.

You're getting a hard time here OP but I get it. You feel bad for your son who is overlooked, clearly not the favourite. Not making the same effort for both children.

Do you really need them for childcare? I would dial it back. Have you asked them to spend time with your son? Maybe your husband could explain how hurtful it is to see ds left out. Maybe there's a good explanation of not feeling confident in managing his needs or feeling like you wouldn't want to be away from him. If so they would have to be willing to learn and make a bigger effort with him.

If they aren't willing, I would consider cutting well back on seeing them. You dont want your son to feel left out or unworthy of the love from extended family. Your unit of the 4 of you is important than your MIL or sils wants