SIL checking school website for my DD holiday schedule instead of just asking me

[Katcon]

I'm not sure where to start there has been do many strangecthings happened with MIL and SIL over the last few years I don't know if its me overreacting or them trying to distance themselves from us.

Firstly I have two kids DD(5) DS(4). MIL and SIL have always had DD one or two days a week from my daughter was about 6 months old. She used to stay over at their house once a week most weeks.

The relationship got a bit strainedbetween them and my DP and I when I was pregnant with my son. We found out that he had down syndrome and a heart condition. They tried to recommend abortion but DP and I had no intention of aborting. We were told we were silly it would be hard work and we could try for another child. This caused a strain but they never mentioned abortion again but this is when things become strained.

Up until this point I thought we were all very close but things started to change then. Unfortunately they never went back to the way they were before hand.

Over the years there have been various things that have annoyed me like them not visiting him in the hospital regularly when he was first born. SIL came once when he was 3 days old and then not until he was about a month old. MIL never saw him until he was a month old. Then they would visit him weekly for approx 1 hour. They still took my daughter one day a week until she started reception but due to son being tube fed they have only ever had him for 2-3 hours at a time a handful of times a year. This is due to not being willing to kearn to feed him and inconvenience of having both being hardwork.

Now DD is at school I thought they might offer to have DS occasionally but no offer made still no attempt to learn to feed him. It has got to me over the years and I just don't know if I'm overreacting but I just don't know I'd they love him they say they do but actions often contradict the words.

I also think they are trying to distance themselves more because recently SIL has let slip she was checking DD holidays on school website rather than just asking me when they were. So they can be aware of when they may have her for the day. Still no mention of DS going with them.

AIBU to think this shouldn't be happening and more of an effort should be made with both kids or none of them. Or does this seem normal and I am just overreacting?

I hope looking up term dates isn't grossly inappropriate because I do this when scheduling stuff - it just gives me a rough idea when to suggest doing things, with less back and forth.

As far as showing less interest in your son, it sounds like they could do better. I would be hurt by that too. But second children never get anything like the same attention first children do, so that probably plays into it somewhat.

The children go together or not at all! End

"You choose to have a child with a significant disability"

Really?

Being the sibling of a child with SEN is very hard and life long. It can be rare to get any normal childhood so time away is often the only real chance of being just them take the chance to let her breathe it's worth looking at young carers too

But how are they treating him? OP hasn't said and she hasn't come back to the thread. Her OP was about childcare. She hasn't mentioned the relationship between her ds and the ils at all? What are you seeing in the OP that is horribly wrong? That they won't act as his childminder too and stick to more regular grandparent babysitting of a few hours here and there?

But that is a huge ask.
Even without complex needs a 5 yr old girl and 4 yr old boy may have different interests.
With the complex needs it sounds like he couldn’t go far anyway as he’ll need feeding and only parents can do this.
If Op says both or none I suspect it will backfire and she’ll have both to care for plus DD will lose contact with someone who has been a significant carer in her life to date.

Then they’d choose not at all, which benefits absolutely no one.

Having a sibling with additional needs is very challenging and it’s inevitable that DD will not get as much attention because of it.

Having a bit of 1-1 time with her grandma and Aunty should be encouraged.

My mil couldn't have my kids together, she just wasn't able for 2 young ones and she never had either of them overnight nevermind once or twice a week. She was too nervous that something would go wrong/that she couldnt properly care for 2 at once. I can't imagine trying to blackmail her to force the issue? Why would you want to force someone into something they aren't comfortable with, I don't get it.

come on, this is just being cruel.

The child was here, medical issues were flagged. It's not an easy decision, and for many people it's not even a decision at all.

It's not a life the OP choose, it's the cards she was given to play with.

Yes OP and her DH were made aware of his condition and chose to have him.
Its in the OP.

I agree but that decision is irrelevant.

It is a fact that he has a disability which requires greater care and responsibility than a child without these needs.

Trying to beat around the bush is not helpful and it’s better to just stick to the facts.

Honestly you’ve had loads of help already and now complaining they won’t take your other child off your hands too. I think you sound really entitled frankly. Not many have the confidence to care for a child with disabilities.
They have absolutely no obligation to provide childcare for you.

The medical issues were flagged BEFORE the child was born. That is a fundamental part of the situation, that you have missed. Read the opening post.

Surely you can't really think you are being reasonable. You have had so much childcare over the years from your in-laws, and yes it would be nice if they wanted to look after your son too, but your attitude is massively entitled. Looking after a child with significant disabilities is not in everyone's comfort zone - it's an entirely different scenario than if they were refusing to look after your son as they preferred your daughter or whatever.

Perhaps your sister in law senses your attitude so prefers to have as little direct contact with you as possible - even if that wasn't the case I can't see how checking holiday dates on a website is remotely doing anything wrong!

oh for goodness sakes, you are not starting to argue about the OP having the baby are you! I have read the opening post thank you.

The point was it's not a car or a piece of furniture. The OP didn't have a CHOICE, the medical case situation was there. It's fucking ludicrous to imply she could have just have an easy abortion and an easier life. It's a baby, if you are normal, it's never easy to decide not to carry your pregnancy to term.

So fuck off with your "choice". She didn't choose the medical conditions.

"I think you come across as someone who would like both of your children to be loved by their family, and for the family to take an equal interest in them."

I'd be careful what you wish for. I don't see any prospect of DS being offered care at the same level DD currently gets. It's more likely that equality will result in levelling down and less care than is currently being offered for DD, maybe even none if this is handled badly.

And who looses out inthat scenario? DD would loose out the most even though she probably needs it the most.

Happy Tuesday.

I agree. Not everyone will be comfortable feeding your ds. I imagine it must be scary for them. Of course you were probably scared in the start but you are his mum

I think they’re generous helping with your daughter but they’re not necessarily being unreasonable by not offering help with your son too. Maybe they don’t know how to provide his care and they aren’t his parents so I don’t think they’re unreasonable to prefer to see him with you there too? They’re not obliged to provide any care for either child so you’re hugely lucky with the support you’ve had! Also 1 hour a week is absolutely fine for grandparent/aunt contact no? I mean according to Mumsnet most people would love this set up of just 1 hour a week.

If you really felt so uncomfortable that they won't take your DS, then why continue letting your DD visit and stay with them? Because it suits you frankly?
I also think you come across as entitled.

It's hurtful they don't want to get to know him but I understand their reluctance to tube feed tbh. You're familiar with it but to those who've never done it it's terrifying 💐

If my inlaws "recommended abortion" to me for my unborn baby, I'd cut them out of my life. How dare they.

I don't know why you'd want them to have your DS who they wanted you to abort? He's safer staying with his parents, who know how to care for him properly, and who love him unconditionally.

I personally, would not have been comfortable with them having my DD so much from 6 months old, but you seem to be ok with this.

I do think YABU to expect childcare from these people, even more so since the abortion recommendation and that your relationship is now strained. I would not let my children be with people who I did not have a good, healthy relationship with.

If your question is "am I unreasonable in worrying that my MIL and SIL love my son less, because he has Downs Syndrome", I think that's a valid worry which you could try to get to the bottom of (although I don't know where it would get you). I don't think you can automatically assume this because they treat him differently from your DD: he is different, he has different needs, there are many valid reasons why they might not have him to stay over.

If your question is "is my SIL overstepping to go directly to her school's website to check her holidays", personally I agree that it's a bit weird because it assumes that just because she's off, they will have access to her. What if you have other plans for her, that would obviously take priority? She's better off just asking you.

If your question if "are my MIL and SIL being unreasonable in not having my DS to stay, because they have my DD to stay and it's not fair on my DS?" I don't think you're being reasonable. It's stressful and extremely worrying for people unfamiliar with specific medical needs to take responsibility for them. You automatically assume responsibility for your own child. Someone else's? It'd be too much for me. It was for my DM with one of my DC who needs an epipen! Took her years to get comfortable with feeding him anything in her home without me there.

Totally separately, I do find it very weird that you want your children to stay out of their home at least one day and night a week. What on earth for?!

Lots of people may not see it as a choice, but lots DO. Because that information was available and alternative option was available and there could have been a different outcome - which is different to not having prior warning or abortion not being available at all.

The point is that the MIL and SIL indicated at the time they would have made different decisions. Thats relevant and gives a clear indication of how they felt they would be able to cope with a disabled child. The expectations of the OP really shouldn't be far removed from that original position.

And the extended family DO have a choice in how much support they are willing to provide now. They don't have to provide ANY, and thats what the OP needs to be mindful of.

What is odd is OP doesn’t seem to be especially grateful of the massive amounts of help they’ve given with DD. Surely anyone can see this is far more childcare help than most get?
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