SIL checking school website for my DD holiday schedule instead of just asking me

[Katcon]

I'm not sure where to start there has been do many strangecthings happened with MIL and SIL over the last few years I don't know if its me overreacting or them trying to distance themselves from us.

Firstly I have two kids DD(5) DS(4). MIL and SIL have always had DD one or two days a week from my daughter was about 6 months old. She used to stay over at their house once a week most weeks.

The relationship got a bit strainedbetween them and my DP and I when I was pregnant with my son. We found out that he had down syndrome and a heart condition. They tried to recommend abortion but DP and I had no intention of aborting. We were told we were silly it would be hard work and we could try for another child. This caused a strain but they never mentioned abortion again but this is when things become strained.

Up until this point I thought we were all very close but things started to change then. Unfortunately they never went back to the way they were before hand.

Over the years there have been various things that have annoyed me like them not visiting him in the hospital regularly when he was first born. SIL came once when he was 3 days old and then not until he was about a month old. MIL never saw him until he was a month old. Then they would visit him weekly for approx 1 hour. They still took my daughter one day a week until she started reception but due to son being tube fed they have only ever had him for 2-3 hours at a time a handful of times a year. This is due to not being willing to kearn to feed him and inconvenience of having both being hardwork.

Now DD is at school I thought they might offer to have DS occasionally but no offer made still no attempt to learn to feed him. It has got to me over the years and I just don't know if I'm overreacting but I just don't know I'd they love him they say they do but actions often contradict the words.

I also think they are trying to distance themselves more because recently SIL has let slip she was checking DD holidays on school website rather than just asking me when they were. So they can be aware of when they may have her for the day. Still no mention of DS going with them.

AIBU to think this shouldn't be happening and more of an effort should be made with both kids or none of them. Or does this seem normal and I am just overreacting?

People never read to understand. They just skim, read a few replies and then jump on the bandwagon. Typical mumsnet.

OP I don't think you're being unreasonable to feel the way you feel.

My cousin had the favouritism problem in that certain aunts would provide childcare for one kid but when visiting they even told her to not bother to bring the younger one. (no additional needs at all). That was plain favouritism. She cut them out, all or none.
In your case, re the additional needs, I wouldn´t look after him solo either, but I wouldn´t like the fact that they don´t bother with him in other contexts. THAT is favouritism.
There isn´t much you can do about this. On the other hand, the respite may be good for your daughter, so I would not cut off my nose to spite my face in this case.

What you mean is they have a different opinion. Typical Mumsnet indeed, where different people from different background and having different experience also have different opinions...

What are people not understanding? Do you mean you'd just prefer everyone to say yes OP I agree with you, you are totally correct? I don't think that's what MN is about.

I’d look at it as them taking DD so much benefits your whole family and that in turn benefits your DS.
The hospital visits when he was born - I wonder if they were minding baby DD for you thinking that was better help so you and dp could be with him.
You obviously trust them with DD and she must be close with them. 1-1 time when she has a sibling with a disability is a positive. I don’t think it’s unusual they would offer to take her in hols and check dates.
Abortion is a difficult topic. But they were close family, you were happy with them minding your baby regularly. If they raised it once as a we are worried about impact on you and dd/no one will judge then not raised again once you made views known then I don’t think that’s out of line.
I can understand their reluctance to learn to tube feed it’s a huge responsibility and if they get it wrong could injure him.

I check the online school calendar for both my sisters council areas so I know when we might be able to hang out – we don't always get the same days. I also check my client and collaborator's online school calendars for holidays – so we can factor them into the projects we work on…

While it's not great that they don't put as much effort in to see your DS you can't change that and it might be a hard pill to swallow but you're just going to have to accept it and move on.

I have one DS and both sets of grandparents don't see him much. One set go off to their holiday house for many months – even when he was 3 days old. The other set have been in my house once this year and only see him when we visit them for a couple of hours every 2-3 weeks. None of them phone us. Yet they each take out his cousins on cinema trips and days out with lunch bought and toys bought… I can't do anything about it. I don't like it but I've accepted it and it doesn't upset me now. It's their loss OP.

If Op says you take both or none then it impacts her and DD greatly. I don’t see how that helps.
Taking 2 children one with complex needs is a very different scenario to taking one.
DD will miss out and Op will be juggling 2 children in school hols.

YABU
Can MIL and SIL adopt me as they sound like absolute god sends!

They have gone above and beyond and it’s mind boggling to understand why you have such an issue with them.

You must understand that yours son’s needs is a big ask for someone else to take on.
You would have known this before deciding to continue with the pregnancy and so I’m not sure why you’re acting surprised now.

It is obvious that he is going to be treated differently because he is different.
Unfortunately, this is one of the downsides of having a child with SN.

I work with children with SN and for a lot of them their grandparents aren’t able to care for them.

What they can do though is help care for the other siblings to make it easier on the parents and give the siblings some 1-1 time which they can sometimes struggle to get.

These are not their children and you can’t feel resentment towards them for not parenting them enough.

The fact that you’re even suggesting using your DD as leverage to get what you want is pretty shocking.

I completely agree.

AIBU to think this shouldn't be happening and more of an effort should be made with both kids or none of them. Or does this seem normal and I am just overreacting?

Be careful what you wish for here.

You are dangerously close to cutting off your nose to spite your face at the expense of your daughter, who may need respite from your brother.

You are framing this as favouritism because one child is disabled and one is not. Perhaps because the context is they suggested you should abort. But that conversation also says more - they felt they would not be able to cope with a child with such high needs. They didn't say it outright, but it certainly was a very clear point they were raising that they would have made a different decision for a reason.

YOU made a different decision. You decided you were prepared to take on that responsibility. And its an admirable one. But that decision was YOURS not theirs. They aren't obliged to then take courses and learn medical procedures that they aren't comfortable with to accomodate your desire to have a level playing field - for the same reason that not everyone wants a medical or caring career - its just not something they feel able to cope with. You shouldn't be trying to emotionally blackmail them or shame them into the contrary because it suits you or because its 'fairer'.

Life hasn't been fair to your children. Your son will ALWAYS be the priority for you due to his needs. And that will come at the expense of your daughter at times. Even with the best will in the world. Who will care for your son when you die if he out lives you? The expectation will fall on her shoulders. So actually I'd argue that some 'favouritism' from extended family isn't necessarily unfair, its just different. Your son's life IS different to your daughters.

You need to see this through the lens that any involvement from extended family is a bonus not something you should expect. Expecting family members to learn to tubefeed is right out there entitled la la land. You are way out of line with that. Help given has to be down to what people feel comfortable with. Help is a gift, not a given. Your comment about both being hardwork, is even worse. If you know its hardwork why are you looking to alienate people who take even some of the load of you? Your inlaws are not a free babysitting service to suit your and your family's needs. It has to be on the terms of the giver not the reciever - because help is a gift not a given.

All of this doesn't mean they love your son less or they don't care. That may be the case, but its way more complex than that. They have a different type of relationship with him, because of his needs. As he gets older and your daughter goes off and does her own thing, that might well change too.

My PIL always had a thing about treating all their kids the same and this obsession with 'fairness'. Except in various ways it wasn't fair but they couldn't see it. And this obsession with fairness, made them forget about focusing on their children as individuals with different needs and the fact they should have been trying to help and treat their children based on their needs rather than this concept of treating them all the same. Sometimes one child needs different things to the others and fairness is about balancing up those different needs rather than trying to do things in a 'like for like' exact same manner.

What does your daughter need and how does she benefit from spending time with her extended family? Does your son actually benefit from your daughter spending time with her extended family in some way? The benefit to your son, may well be indirect, but that doesn't mean he isn't getting something positive from your inlaws involvment.

Think very carefully here. The one with most to lose most here, isn't necessarily you...

This.

I think you are being very unreasonable. You choose to have a child with a significant disability, and you are now expecting other people to deal with the responsibility.

They were probably checking because they have their own lives to organise - not just yours. Blimey.

theres absolutely nothing wrong with checking a school website for holiday dates. this also means you'll definitely get the right ones as people can get confused.

however, there is something horribly wrong with how theyre treating their grandson/nephew. just really sad

Wow, terrible choice of words!

This

I disagree, they have just told the truth.

The child does have a significant disability and requires a lot more responsibility than a child without additional needs.

At the moment I only have my 3 year old DGD for occasional childcare. I'm really quite nervous about when it comes to having her and her almost one year old sister at the same time. I'm out of practice, and as a GP it feels like so much more responsibility than when I cared for my own children. I dread ever getting something wrong or one of them having an accident in my care.

Add into that a disability that requires tube feeding etc, and I totally understand why some would simply feel unable to take on the responsibility.

As long as they love your child, that's all you can ask. And in the future your DD might appreciate having her own time with them. It can be hard being the sibling of a child with a disability.

They do an awful lot for you and you are lucky they want to be so involved. We have never had that from anyone.
They showed their hand when they were discouraging you from going through with the 2nd pregnancy. I do not agree with their attitude at all. It was YOUR decision to make and YOU decided to continue with it. Not everyone is cut out to cope with complex needs, and their attitude towards your pregnancy was showing you that they don’t feel cut out for it. It’s sad for everyone involved, but you should be grateful for the help with your DD and I’m sure she will appreciate that close bond in the future. It’s a more complex situation than a cut and dried choice between seeing both of them or none at all. Your DD needs the bond with her extended family because your DS needs so much more from you.

Take both children for the day or non that would be my rule. Your ds will start to feel left out if dd going off for lovely fun day's with family and he's not invited.

Your ILs have done more than most with your DD. That's somehow given you an unrealistic expectation of how involved they 'should' be. It's possible that even if your DS did not have Downs Syndrome that they still wouldn't have wanted to commit so much time to a second baby.
I've seen in my own family, that most people do not want to take responsibility for tube feeding. It's daunting. But in our family, we had no expectation that people would want to do it. That's why YABU. You're also not appreciating that by taking your DD, they are giving you one-to-one time with your DS. That's how they're supporting your DS - by giving you space to focus on him.
Checking the website is completely normal. Most families do that.

I don't think you come across as entitled.

I think you come across as someone who would like both of your children to be loved by their family, and for the family to take an equal interest in them.

YABVU. They don't have to have ANY of your children for any amount of days. My parents have my kids for about 2 days every couple of months. And they certainly are under no obligation to learn to tube feed your son. Its lovely if they want to but it's VERY VERY entitled to think they SHOULD.

This. I wouldn't have him either, mostly because I would be too worried in case I did something wrong with him and upset anyone. Why deny your dd any time with them?

I have a db and husband with type 1 diabetes. Yabu, it is a worry as and adult but with a child it really is more stressful. I remember dm having many issues around this. Why would you expect anyone to take on such a stressful issue with your child?