AIBU To Be Annoyed with DH?

[Eyeofthelamp]

I need to know whether I'm justified in my annoyance or not. Maybe it’s my hormones 🤷‍♀️

DH left for an overseas work trip early yesterday morning whilst I was still in bed, so obviously we didn't speak. His flight landed around lunchtime. I heard absolutely nothing from him until 7:20pm last night when I got a text to say 'arrived at hotel'. 13 hours with no contact, not even to check in with me.

For context, we run a business together and have two very young children. I also have an older child that had an important medical appointment yesterday. DH never bothered called to speak to me or our children or enquire about my older child or anything to do with our business. Would you be annoyed?

DH tried to call me around 8:30pm after I didn't reply to his text but I didn’t answer because I'm so annoyed with him. I feel like a complete afterthought.

So AIBU or would you be angry too?

I travel a lot and usually don’t bother messaging my partner until I’m at the hotel. If my plane were to crash I’m sure he’d see it in the news and if anything’s gone wrong at home there’s not much I can do about it from abroad. Airport wifi is usually shit and I don’t wanna faff about connecting to it whilst I’m going through security, waiting for my bag or trying to figure out my transport from the airport to the hotel

It wouldn't bother me unless there was something specific I needed to know urgently. I wouldn't expect a goodnight/goodmorning text either but people are different.
If I'd texted and called I would expect some sort of reply though. Will he be worried about you, think you're busy, or just deduce you're sulking?

I think you are both being unreasonable.

I travel a lot and have done for 12 years.

I text DH when I am boarding and again when I have landed/safely in the airport.

I might not message again for a while if I was then working/transitioning to hotel etc.

But at the same time, if for whatever reason I was unable to text or if my message hadn't got through, DH would text me something like "just checking you've arrived ok?"

He certainly wouldn't sulk and ignore me.

@Eyeofthelamp Eyeofthelamp · Today 07:47
God I’m such hard work aren’t I 🙄
I love Mumsnet. It’s either LTB or you’re needy. Nothing in between!

At least you’ve not been told to divorce him YET!
Thats another favourite thing to say on here 🤣🤣

YANBU
While I wouldn't expect War & Peace, personally I'd have expected something along the lines of "Flight landed safely, will message/call from the hotel this evening."

Child's med appt convo (assuming it's not emergency/urgent decision needed) I'd have said would wait for the later message/call when partner isn't mid travel/work.

My friends and family only do pre-arranged calls unless it's a 999 type emergency (lots of shift/night workers on conflicting schedules), but I'm not sure ignoring the call made you feel any better than answering the phone would have.

I'd recommend discussing once the trip is over, and agreeing expected levels of communication on both sides.

DB & SIL use a location sharing app instead of messages, and send one daily summary email just before each goes to bed (both frequently travel for work and work shifts, so it was easier than trying to figure out when the other was awake).

Forefront of his mind? Maybe you aren't though.
Maybe catching a taxi, trying to figure out where his gate is, or bus/train platform, or crossing a road is more important for a while.

Forefront of his mind? Maybe you aren't though.
Maybe catching a taxi, trying to figure out where his gate is, or bus/train platform, or crossing a road is more important for a while.

I mean in general while he's away working. He's away for than he's home so yes it is pretty important to still make each other feel like a priority.

^^

YABU. Your husband was away for his job, not on vacation. He knows the children are well taken care of. He called you from his hotelroom. You are acting childishly. Why would he check in with you during the day? (My husband travelled a lot for his job, so I have some experience.) He called once a day and once a day only, late in the evening after all the meetings etc. and before he (and I) went to bed. While he was away, sometimes a few days but up to two weeks, I took care of literally everything at home. We always supported each-other mutually. My husband appreciated that a lot, and I was proud of the job he was doing. As for your child, why did not you yourself sent him an update?

No, you shouldn't need to constantly reassure your partner that even when you're travelling for work, they're your priority.

When I travel for work, DP is not my priority. My priorities are the logistics of travel, transport at the other end, preparing for work and then doing the work. If I message him it's after all the above have been taken care of and I actually have something to say that's more interesting than "I managed to get on and off a plane successfully for the 100th time in my life, it was as boring and uncomfortable as ever".

I'd say it's spectacularly needy to insist on being uppermost in your partner's thoughts at a time when they're doing something all-consuming that requires a degree of concentration, and I couldn't deal with a man who felt I should prioritise messaging him in that situation.

@gannett I've maintained a happy, loving marriage for many years despite DH being away for up to 4 months at a time and spending more time away than at home, so I think we'll keep doing what we're doing.

I don’t understand why you posted if you don’t want to accept any constructive criticism. You clearly think he is in the wrong. End of. Why did you need others to validate you? And then blow up when you didn’t get the validation you crave? As others have said you clearly need to communicate with your husband more effectively. Set expectations when he travels.

He's at work?! You need to reflect on why you needed this, if its a sense of security issue then there are some things you could do to help. Passive aggressively ignoring him now is going to create an unnecessary conflict, put pressure on him when he's already under pressure out of the country with work, and likely upset you. Honestly, when my fiance goes away for work (overnights aren't regular but sometimes he goes for a week or more abroad or elsewhere in the country) I simply don't have time to think about him let alone analyse why he hasn't texted. We are both secure in the relationship and don't need to communicate to feel valued. Perhaps there is more you could do when you are together to alleviate your feelings of dependency and mistrust. Or perhaps there is more you could do for yourself to take your mind off it? My children are both under 6 and I also work full time so lots of pressures but equally I find my work and my hobbies very rewarding.

Are you serious? Dependancy and mistrust? Where does it say I don’t trust DH? Also, we work together, so I expected him to check in about work and DC. If I was dependant on DH I guess he couldn’t go away for a week whilst I ran a business, a home and looked after 4 children!

Did your DC’s father check in on their child after the medical appointment?

Also, we work together, so I expected him to check in about work and DC.

Had you told him that? Because that reads like petty game-playing to me. You can proactively tell him those things just as easily as he could ask you to. You’re the one that did them. You knew when they were finished and/or when there was something to say / update on.

So just tell him?