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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU To Be Annoyed with DH?

191 replies

Eyeofthelamp · 03/10/2023 07:09

I need to know whether I'm justified in my annoyance or not. Maybe it’s my hormones 🤷‍♀️

DH left for an overseas work trip early yesterday morning whilst I was still in bed, so obviously we didn't speak. His flight landed around lunchtime. I heard absolutely nothing from him until 7:20pm last night when I got a text to say 'arrived at hotel'. 13 hours with no contact, not even to check in with me.

For context, we run a business together and have two very young children. I also have an older child that had an important medical appointment yesterday. DH never bothered called to speak to me or our children or enquire about my older child or anything to do with our business. Would you be annoyed?

DH tried to call me around 8:30pm after I didn't reply to his text but I didn’t answer because I'm so annoyed with him. I feel like a complete afterthought.

So AIBU or would you be angry too?

OP posts:
JuliaSnitch · 03/10/2023 11:29

What a ridiculous complaint - YABU. You didn't check in with him!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 03/10/2023 11:30

ScrambledSmegs · 03/10/2023 10:52

I don't think YABU but I do think you're more upset about this than you would normally be, due to tiredness and worry. I hope you get a better night's sleep soon.

I'm probably way off beam but is there a chance that he might have been worried about messaging you when you were already overburdened?

It sounds stupid (because it is!) but my DH did something similar after I'd had a practically sleepless night with baby DC2, who I then had to take to 2 different hospitals in London for appointments and tests. He was going on a trip with friends (great timing) and decided that I wouldn't want to even hear that he'd arrived safely because it would take my focus off DC2 Hmm. He thought he was being considerate! Luckily one of my friends heard they'd arrived safely from her DH, and she told me, but wtf was he thinking? Is there a chance your DH is thinking along the same lines?

I think there's something in what @ScrambledSmegs says.

I suspect that the medical appointment for your DC was also a big worry for you and that is why you are so annoyed with him (apart from lack of sleep etc) and yes I agree with you, he could have made more effort and asked about DC.

He did ring tho so hopefully you've both been in touch by now and put this behind you.
I hope the appointment went well and you have a good day today. You've got enough on your plate at the moment to let miscommunications and crossed wires upset you so much and add to your worries.
When he comes back, make sure you ask ( don't expect telepathy) to give you some time off to catch up on your sleep, or treat you to a nice outing. Wishing you all the best, difficult times running after 4 of them but also lovely at times too.

Hufflepods · 03/10/2023 11:32

@Miaminmoo I’d be irritated - in order for me to leave my children behind I have to spend 3 days stocking the fridge and writing endless lists - I’ve often told my DH how lucky he is just to pack a bag and leave - for context we run a business together but all the school runs/ school holiday childcare/ illness days seem to fall to me. If there was an important medical appointment I would have expected him to make time to check about that at least. Not unreasonable.

You don't have to though, you choose to.

Why would you have children and run a business with someone who you think is incapable of basic care for their own children for 3 days??

fivelilducks · 03/10/2023 11:33

No I wouldn't be annoyed unless he'd ignored my attempts to contact him as id be worried otherwise

Taketurn · 03/10/2023 11:36

It takes nothing to send a quick text especially if he had time to be updating bloody facebook. My hubby recently went to family wedding in the US and he was texting or calling every chance he got in between flights. It takes nothing!

Ladyj84 · 03/10/2023 11:41

I can't ever imagine not making the effort to say goodbye to my hubby if he was going on a trip lol I make the effort even when he does early 4 am work shifts lol. Either way I think you need to grow up be and adult and stop sulking

jolies1 · 03/10/2023 11:42

Travelling all day especially solo for work is a pain and a faff - airports are busy noisy places etc. I would probably do same as DP - quick text to say arrived at hotel, have a shower and something to eat, then call home for a proper chat / FaceTime when you’re not harassed and sweaty. Ok he could have text to say “hope appointment went well, the airport is super noisy and signal isn’t good, I’ll call you from hotel when I have WiFi” but it sounds like he tried to call you as soon as he was settled which is reasonable.

KakiFruit · 03/10/2023 11:46

13 hours 🤣

I hope he has a lovely break and some peace and quiet.

Miaminmoo · 03/10/2023 11:46

Here we go - best leave him then 😂

Ohhbaby · 03/10/2023 11:54

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 03/10/2023 07:30

So you didn't even check he was OK travelling or he'd arrived safely? Harsh.
You need to get one if those phones that sends calls/messages out too!

Haha love this.

Ohhbaby · 03/10/2023 11:59

Eyeofthelamp · 03/10/2023 10:28

Wow! The amount of unnecessary bitchiness against me is unbelievable!

No, I didn’t say goodbye because I’d been up half the night with our baby, who shares our room, and she had finally settled so I didn’t want to wake her up again!

As we run a business together we are usually in contact several times a day. DH had a long wait at the airport after landing and was clearly using social media, so I would have thought a quick text or two minute phone call would not be unreasonable.

I am not demanding or high maintenance. I had a long, stressful appointment with my child yesterday and was juggling other children and work. Our 4yo was upset that daddy had gone away and DH knew this, so a quick call before bedtime would have been nice.

DH was not working yesterday, only travelling.

But yes, I’m the unreasonable one for not seeing him off 🙄

Thank you all. I clearly am unreasonable.

You don't seem to think so. I wonder why you post for an opinion and then when you get an opinion, but not the one you hoped for you get very cranky and sarcastic

deydododatdodontdeydo · 03/10/2023 11:59

Personally I would find a partner who expected me to keep them updated while I was travelling stifling. Especially if they sulked and ignored texts and calls.
I would expect some message to say "safely arrived" but it doesn't matter to me if it's the moment the plane lands or once settled in to the hotel.
Is he travelling alone? DH can sometimes not get time to message or call when with others as there isn't much down time even when travelling. His boss likes to talk work non-stop even when just sat on a train, or waiting in a train station.

gannett · 03/10/2023 12:07

Last time I travelled for work, the first message I sent DP was two days later and it was a picture of a dog.

I'm not one for constant communication and neither DP nor I worries about the other when we're away. Whether we're at home or away the only messages we really send are need-to-know info or funny/light-hearted stuff the other person will appreciate (like pictures of sweet dogs). I don't really get this whole checking-in thing. Both DP and I have taken hundreds of flights and they're never noteworthy enough for a message (apart from the ones that involve delays).

gannett · 03/10/2023 12:08

Also sulking and ignoring your partner's communication because you were pissed off at their lack of communication in a certain timeframe strikes me as the most absurd, petulant and self-defeating aspect of this whole non-issue.

Heronwatcher · 03/10/2023 12:19

OP in all your justifying you haven’t addressed why you didn’t answer his evening call or reply to his text? Wouldn’t it have been nice to update him on the medical appointment, and maybe suggest he rings to have a quick word with the 4yr old before school, or send a quick message you can read to/ show them if they were still missing him?

I think you need to stop taking this thread so personally and think about the best approach for the kids/ your marriage.

10HailMarys · 03/10/2023 12:21

You’re being ridiculous and petty.

willWillSmithsmith · 03/10/2023 12:54

Eyeofthelamp · 03/10/2023 10:28

Wow! The amount of unnecessary bitchiness against me is unbelievable!

No, I didn’t say goodbye because I’d been up half the night with our baby, who shares our room, and she had finally settled so I didn’t want to wake her up again!

As we run a business together we are usually in contact several times a day. DH had a long wait at the airport after landing and was clearly using social media, so I would have thought a quick text or two minute phone call would not be unreasonable.

I am not demanding or high maintenance. I had a long, stressful appointment with my child yesterday and was juggling other children and work. Our 4yo was upset that daddy had gone away and DH knew this, so a quick call before bedtime would have been nice.

DH was not working yesterday, only travelling.

But yes, I’m the unreasonable one for not seeing him off 🙄

Thank you all. I clearly am unreasonable.

I think it was probably deliberately ignoring his call and text that lost you some sympathy. Yes I think at the very least he should have asked about the dr appt but you seemed to want to fan the flames rather than diffuse them with childish behaviour.

purplehair1 · 03/10/2023 14:11

This wouldn’t bother me in the slightest. However I’m likely to behave the same way as your DH if I’m busy on a work trip.

margotrose · 03/10/2023 14:14

I am not demanding or high maintenance. I had a long, stressful appointment with my child yesterday and was juggling other children and work. Our 4yo was upset that daddy had gone away and DH knew this, so a quick call before bedtime would have been nice.

But there was nothing stopping you from calling him at bedtime, or for letting him know how the appointment had gone. I think that's why people are calling you unreasonable - especially as he did get in touch in the evening and you just ignored him.

P2210 · 03/10/2023 14:14

No I wouldn’t be angry, my dh travels frequently, he’ll text/call when he gets there. If my child had an appointment I’d probably message to say how it went, wouldn’t necessarily wait to be asked.

Dreemhouse · 03/10/2023 14:20

@theleafandnotthetree Wow. I think perhaps your response to mine was over the top and unnecessary with the vomiting emoji. It’s ok to disagree with somebody without being rude.

Missjd87 · 03/10/2023 15:20

Nope, I get it. I would be irritated too!

meeeeeeshel · 03/10/2023 15:49

I've been in this situation. We were early stages of our relationship and he had the entire day in the airport, as flight massively delayed, to text and say, flight massively delayed. But instead he sat about drinking beer and I felt like I hadn't been given a second thought. When he finally did phone me late in the eve to say he had arrived, I was in bed and falling asleep so didn't take the call so by next morning, he was then upset. It was a ridiculous, early stages of the relationship spat where we didn't spell out our needs to each other and both ended up upset.

Now, after many years together, he knows that my request would be to let me know so I don't worry, and him the same with me.

However I agree with the others that after an important meeting about our child I wouldn't wait for him to ask, I'd just tell him! We aren't at the point we have to wait for the other to contact anymore, so I would just text directly.

I can understand why you would feel irritated, being stressed and tired and doing all the work you feel un thought of. But I'm pretty sure it's not that, he just didn't think to send a message.

Have you spoken to him about it yet?

CatherinedeBourgh · 03/10/2023 15:56

If I was the one travelling and I knew dh had a whole load going on (which I obviously couldn't do from a distance) I wouldn't presume to call him and potentially interrupt him in the middle of something - I would wait for him to call me when he had a second to spare (particularly if he was having a stressful medical appointment, the last thing he would need is me harassing him for updates when he was busy dealing with it).

It seems like you are trying to look at it in the worst possible light, I don't think people are being bitchy, they are just pointing out that from his perspective it might have made more sense to wait for you to initiate contact.

Bansheed · 03/10/2023 15:59

My DP travels a lot. Twice a month to dicey places for four or five days at a time
Always a kiss goodbye and a message as he takes off and also when he gets in the car to the hotel.

We also chat at least once a day. He calls when he can.

I would be miffed too, in your circumstances. Especially with the drs appointment. Wife work etc