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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU To Be Annoyed with DH?

191 replies

Eyeofthelamp · 03/10/2023 07:09

I need to know whether I'm justified in my annoyance or not. Maybe it’s my hormones 🤷‍♀️

DH left for an overseas work trip early yesterday morning whilst I was still in bed, so obviously we didn't speak. His flight landed around lunchtime. I heard absolutely nothing from him until 7:20pm last night when I got a text to say 'arrived at hotel'. 13 hours with no contact, not even to check in with me.

For context, we run a business together and have two very young children. I also have an older child that had an important medical appointment yesterday. DH never bothered called to speak to me or our children or enquire about my older child or anything to do with our business. Would you be annoyed?

DH tried to call me around 8:30pm after I didn't reply to his text but I didn’t answer because I'm so annoyed with him. I feel like a complete afterthought.

So AIBU or would you be angry too?

OP posts:
Muddywalks34 · 03/10/2023 09:35

If he was on fb at airport he was probably just connected to there Wi-Fi, doesn’t mean he had phone signal, or maybe he was waiting for you to message him when you got out of bed to say safe travels etc. my husband travels a lot it wouldn’t bother me in the slightest, I generally always say bye to him before he leaves regardless of the time. He did leave early this morning though and in what is a rarity I didn’t hear his alarm and didn’t wake up. I sent him a message as soon as ai did saying sorry I slept through, he said you looked so peaceful I didn’t want to wake you. Now apart from a text before bed tonight it’s unlikely I will speak to him as he has a full day event that rolls straight into the evening. He’s a work, his full focus will be on that - as it should be. It doesn’t mean I am an afterthought, if I were to message or call him today he would get back to me as quickly as he can, but I won’t disturb him because he is busy working his arse off. I think you are being unreasonable he has tried to contact you twice and you have chosen to ignore him, not sure he deserves that

Tooearlytothink · 03/10/2023 09:36

Not understanding everyone saying YABU based on their expectations of a relationship (which sound pretty cold imho). I think it totally depends on your normal pattern of communication & if this varies from that. DH and I would never go that long without checking in even on a normal day. By the sounds of it a lot of people would think that’s too much but it’s how we both like to operate. As some people have pointed out though, you could also have contacted him and it was very petty to not reply once he did get in touch.

1month · 03/10/2023 09:40

YABU

He’s not a child and doesn’t need to check in with you.

I’m sure if there was an emergency you would both have the common sense to ring each other.

spitefulandbadgrammar · 03/10/2023 09:43

If I were looking after four children including a baby, taking DC to medical appointments, and running a business, I’d be irritated by getting pointless phone calls and check-in texts from my partner – weren’t you too busy to even notice?

Hbh17 · 03/10/2023 09:47

This poor guy probably had a horrendous day, all the stress of travelling etc and his wife is making a fuss because he didn't get in touch for a whole 13 hours? That's ridiculous. He doesn't need to call, he's busy, everyone's fine - why do people create this pressure?

Takeabreather23 · 03/10/2023 09:49

Honestly you need to work on him staying at home and you can travel over seas for the work appointment.

Can see how he would be if you decided not to call or txt and ask after kids. (Mums-net would be calling you a bad mother )

Hes enjoying peace and quite and on social media. I’d be raging too , out of site .

HongKongGarden · 03/10/2023 09:50

I’d not he angry, no. DH commutes weekly to a job on the continent and after the first couple of times didn’t bother to let me know he’d landed as it wasn’t very interesting.

cardibach · 03/10/2023 09:54

AuditAngel · 03/10/2023 08:52

In June I went to Dublin on business for 4 days, i don’t think I communicated with my husband at all. He goes away and doesn’t get in touch (not for business) so I longer feel I have to call him unless there is a specific reason. I do have a WhatsApp group with the kids and I wake them up for school/college whenever I am away in term time

I'm a bit confused by you waking the children by WhatsApp while away for work (or otherwise). Their phones have alarms and your DH is there...

AlwaysPrettyOnTheInside · 03/10/2023 09:54

DH left for an overseas work trip early yesterday morning whilst I was still in bed, so obviously we didn't speak. His flight landed around lunchtime. I heard absolutely nothing from him until 7:20pm last night when I got a text to say 'arrived at hotel'. 13 hours with no contact, not even to check in with me.

YABU, considering you didn't get up to see him off.

Kazzybingbong · 03/10/2023 09:55

My toxic relationship years ago was like this. We wouldn’t text each other out of spite.

My marriage is the opposite. If my husband didn’t text when he was away, there’d be a reason such as being busy.

The fact your husband didn’t bother tells me your relationship is more like my toxic one.

As you said you know he had 3 hours downtime, why didn’t he drop a quick text? The fact he didn’t shows he didn’t want to. That’s the issue here, not that he didn’t text necessarily but the fact he could have but didn’t bother so in this situation, no YANBU.

80sMum · 03/10/2023 09:56

GodDammitCecil · 03/10/2023 07:57

Just reiterating that I don’t think you’re wrong to feel the way you do. Your feelings are your feelings.

But WHY do people come on here to ask to ask complete strangers what they think about their shitty relationship situation??

I don’t get it. What do you hope to achieve from this OP? You must surely realise some people - maybe even most! - will disagree with you.

Does that make you feel any better? No, it doesn’t - does it?

Why oh why do people offer up their relationship fall-outs for public dissection.

I will never get it.

I think people share these sorts of details about their relationships in order to seek validation for their feelings/reactions/responses to a particular circumstance. It's an attempt to turn a previously neutral bystander into a "supporter". It's trying to get bystanders to take sides.

In this instance, it's backfired somewhat, since the majority seem to have sided with the DH.

I think the OP rather shot herself in the foot by admitting that she ignored the DH's text and phone call. That made her look petulant and childish.

MariePaperRoses · 03/10/2023 09:57

Poor bloke, I bet he's glad to be away.

HongKongGarden · 03/10/2023 09:57

Eyeofthelamp · 03/10/2023 07:28

For context, once his flight landed DH had to wait around at the airport for 3 hours to get a lift. He had absolutely nothing to do so a quick phone call to check in wouldn’t have been hard. He had time to update his bloody Facebook!

And similarly you getting out of bed to see him off wouldn’t have been hard.
You seem to be trying hard to be annoyed here, is there something else going on?

Kazzybingbong · 03/10/2023 09:58

cardibach · 03/10/2023 09:54

I'm a bit confused by you waking the children by WhatsApp while away for work (or otherwise). Their phones have alarms and your DH is there...

Show quote history

Oh leave it out, if a parent wants to wake their older children, let them. Why is it such a problem? She may want to wake them with a coffee or whatever because you know, it’s a nice thing to do. My husband does it for me and I’m almost 41.

Takeabreather23 · 03/10/2023 09:58

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Wow you are shocking !

Wouldn’t want you as my step parent.

So he’s married and commitment to loving a women they have a life and kids , but he’s cold hearted to not care about the child who (you think isn’t his) even though his wife will be worried .
The eldest child is an outsider not to be cared about by husband .?

willWillSmithsmith · 03/10/2023 10:00

Whether he should have contacted you or not, I can’t get my head round the fact you deliberately ignored his call and text. Why would you do that, it’s incredibly childish.

5gymbabe · 03/10/2023 10:02

I agree but they stayed in bed 🤣

Ohyesthankyouglitter · 03/10/2023 10:03

OP, ignore all those dismissing what you're saying. Surely this is the nuts and bolts of what a healthy relationship is all about? Working out what it is you'd hope for/want in terms of communication.

I don't think you're being unreasonable by hoping for a text or a message but you need to learn not to interpret his silence as indifference. It's chaotic and all-consuming travelling, so unless he had a laser sharp focus of 'I need to message OP to ask about xyz', he really easily won't think to.

Respond with generosity now, then when he's home have a conversation about it - discuss what you felt like, without blaming him and chat about what could happen next time.

Kazzybingbong · 03/10/2023 10:04

Tooearlytothink · 03/10/2023 09:36

Not understanding everyone saying YABU based on their expectations of a relationship (which sound pretty cold imho). I think it totally depends on your normal pattern of communication & if this varies from that. DH and I would never go that long without checking in even on a normal day. By the sounds of it a lot of people would think that’s too much but it’s how we both like to operate. As some people have pointed out though, you could also have contacted him and it was very petty to not reply once he did get in touch.

I agree! My husband and I text all day everyday. If he’s mega busy at work, it’s obviously less but on average it’s about 25 messages a day. TBF, he does like to update me on absolutely nothing, as do I 🤣

user123212 · 03/10/2023 10:05

Maybe there are other relationship issues not just this one and it's built up for you to be annoyed?

I would have thought you'd be way too busy yourself! Catching up in the eve sounds reasonable

Anyhow you won't get the answers (that you're looking for) on the Internet. Much better talking with a mom friend.

Swanfeet · 03/10/2023 10:08

You sound hard work

lifeofsty · 03/10/2023 10:09

@Nanny0gg 'I don't think expecting him to enquire about the medical appt is 'needy''

Yes, it is. Why should the onus be on the person travelling for work to ask for an update on the appointment? Surely the person attending the appointment with the child would just send a text update unless there was something horrendously wrong in which case they would ring the person who is working away? Why does it have to be so difficult?

Heronwatcher · 03/10/2023 10:10

YABU. Travelling, working, talking to people you’re travelling with can be knackering. Maybe at the airport he took longer to find somewhere to sit down or didn’t get there when he thought he would, and then just needed a bit of headspace. It sounds to me like he’s just had a really busy day and texted you at the first opportunity he could when he had a bit of downtime.

In his position I would have wanted to know about the medical appointment but I would also have wanted to find out in a place where I could think about/ process the information- I.e. not an airport lounge or duty free. I think it was a bit cruel/ immature to ignore his call in this situation.

Lurker85 · 03/10/2023 10:13

Look at it in a positive way. He thinks you are an intelligent and capable grown up who can run a business and look after the kids single handedly without needing to be “checked in on”. Personally if I had all that on my plate, I wouldn’t want to, or have time to, receive a phone call for a chat and would be happy just to leave him to it. Plus 7:20pm for first contact isn’t that late. Would you expect him to check in every normal working day? As that’s what it was to him. Also if my partner were taking my child to an important medical appointment and I was working away, I would expect them to text me straight after and let me know how it went. I wouldn’t expect to have to chase them for info.

EaudeJavel · 03/10/2023 10:18

Humidititties · 03/10/2023 07:34

I see the dickheads are out in force again. YANBU OP, a quick call or text would have been nice, especially to enquire about your child's appointment

I think it's weird not to say goodbye when someone in your house goes away for a trip, so there you go.