AIBU To Be Annoyed with DH?

[Eyeofthelamp]

I need to know whether I'm justified in my annoyance or not. Maybe it’s my hormones 🤷‍♀️

DH left for an overseas work trip early yesterday morning whilst I was still in bed, so obviously we didn't speak. His flight landed around lunchtime. I heard absolutely nothing from him until 7:20pm last night when I got a text to say 'arrived at hotel'. 13 hours with no contact, not even to check in with me.

For context, we run a business together and have two very young children. I also have an older child that had an important medical appointment yesterday. DH never bothered called to speak to me or our children or enquire about my older child or anything to do with our business. Would you be annoyed?

DH tried to call me around 8:30pm after I didn't reply to his text but I didn’t answer because I'm so annoyed with him. I feel like a complete afterthought.

So AIBU or would you be angry too?

My xDH travelled extensively throughout our marriage and it culd be days inbetween our calls/texts. He never once texted to say he got there OK. I was always fine with that. If you wanted to know he got there OK you should have reached out. The phone works both ways. That way your annoyance wouldn't have had time to grow so much out of proportion.

I travel a lot sometimes solo, sometimes with friends. I probably only talk to /message DH twice a week when I'm away. Same when he is away. If there's something urgent to say we get in touch, otherwise it's a couple of long chats a week at times that are mutually convenient. And with children around it's never convenient during the day.

Conversely I find it very annoying if I'm travelling with other people who get constant calls or messages from their partners or adult DC. One friend is a great travel companion when she is present but conversations, activities, meals and trips are constantly interrupted by family calls she 'has' to take right there and then.

As other people have said there is no right or wrong way really. You will need to work out with your DH a balance of contact and involvement that works for both of you.

It's situations ike this that make me think that mobiles etc are the worst invention in respect of relationships! How often do we read of a spouse/partner, almost always the female half, getting hysterical that her messages etc weren't acknowledgedn within seconds? If I were still at work and my husband had phoned me I would assume that the house had burned down at the very least.

I don't know if those calling you needy have skipped the part where you said your son had an important medical appointment and you know he had been free for 3 hours, during which time he was on facebook🙄.

Yanbu to be annoyed at that, especially if he had 3 hours in the airport. To do that without asking how his son is after an important appointment is pretty ignorant. Had it not been for your son's appointment I probably wouldn't be so bothered as I'd just assume he'd be in touch at some point, but the appointment and fact you know he had some free time when he wasn't rushing about is the part that is really off.

I wouldn't have ignored his calls, I'd have answered and told him I was annoyed that he hadn't been in touch with even a text message asking after his son. Better to just say it than ignore him calling.

Wow! The amount of unnecessary bitchiness against me is unbelievable!

No, I didn’t say goodbye because I’d been up half the night with our baby, who shares our room, and she had finally settled so I didn’t want to wake her up again!

As we run a business together we are usually in contact several times a day. DH had a long wait at the airport after landing and was clearly using social media, so I would have thought a quick text or two minute phone call would not be unreasonable.

I am not demanding or high maintenance. I had a long, stressful appointment with my child yesterday and was juggling other children and work. Our 4yo was upset that daddy had gone away and DH knew this, so a quick call before bedtime would have been nice.

DH was not working yesterday, only travelling.

But yes, I’m the unreasonable one for not seeing him off 🙄

Thank you all. I clearly am unreasonable.

How old are you, 12?

You need to grow up.

You sound quite needy.

If you know how to deliver coffee over WhatsApp let me know - it would be really handy.
she’s away with work. Her DH is at home. I didn’t say she shouldn’t, just wondered why.

Our 4yo was upset that daddy had gone away and DH knew this, so a quick call before bedtime would have been nice.

How can he speak to your 4yo when you say yourself that you ignored his text and calls?

You’re making this into a bigger deal than it needs to be.

All you need to do was text him asking if he landed ok/got to the hotel ok if you were worried.

DH tried to call me around 8:30pm after I didn't reply to his text but I didn’t answer because I'm so annoyed with him.

Oh god you're one of those.

OP lunchtime to 7pm is a completely reasonable window for disembarking the plane, getting luggage, passport control, getting to a destination and getting checked into a hotel. There's nothing unreasonable about him messaging you then and you were dramatic and immature to ignore his call because he failed your invisible test.

The wind up merchants have clearly got onto this thread! Just ignore them OP.

It wouldn't be unreasonable to send you a text, no. I don't know why he didn't do this. Tell him that's the least you expect when he's travelling and you are keeping the business going and looking after all the children.

I always have flight numbers so can check on plane landing or delays. He doesn’t msg till he is at hotel. Often time differences make it really hard so it’s mainly messaging. Though since covid his company rarely send overseas and they teams meeting it, it used to be up to three months of the year with multiple flights. It makes their green credentials look good but let’s be honest it’s all about saving money. Though that’s a lot less money swishing about for hotels, taxis, restaurants overall when you think of overseas travel cut by all companies.

You would do my head in.

Why didn’t you message him?

Well yes, you are. You sulked like a child and ignored his calls when he did try to get into contact with you, and were free to call him if you wanted to talk.

🙄

How dare someone have a different opinion right…?

Where’s the drama in that, or the ability to play the victim?

I don't think YABU but I do think you're more upset about this than you would normally be, due to tiredness and worry. I hope you get a better night's sleep soon.

I'm probably way off beam but is there a chance that he might have been worried about messaging you when you were already overburdened?

It sounds stupid (because it is!) but my DH did something similar after I'd had a practically sleepless night with baby DC2, who I then had to take to 2 different hospitals in London for appointments and tests. He was going on a trip with friends (great timing) and decided that I wouldn't want to even hear that he'd arrived safely because it would take my focus off DC2 . He thought he was being considerate! Luckily one of my friends heard they'd arrived safely from her DH, and she told me, but wtf was he thinking? Is there a chance your DH is thinking along the same lines?

The phone works both ways, you knew what time his flight was due to land so you could’ve called/text him to update him about medical appointments and children.

I think it depends on how often you normally text.

DH and I tend to whatsapp each other quite a lot. If he was away with work I'd expect a 'just landed' as he got off the plane but then again if he hadn't I'd be texting him to just check all was well.
It would be highly unusual for us not to whatsapp all day, but I think perfectly normal for many couples.
Your DP has been busy on his work trip! I think it would be a bit off if you didn't get a proper contact ideally a quick phone call, by the end of the day.

When I used to travel regularly for work DH and I worked out a few things which helped for us:

• try to leave while DCs are awake so they would see me go rather than disappearing in the night
• phone DH after DCs are in bed. I didn't speak with DCs while I was away as they found that more unsettling
• don't bring home gifts unless they were very specific to the place I had been

I suspect, as is so often the case, this is a small symptom of a wider issue of you feeling taking for granted or ignored or similar. Or perhaps a break in the way your relationship usually works in that you both check in as soon as landing etc?

Because, on it's own, it honestly would never occur to me to make or expect a check in call after landing. It just wouldn't. I am not trying to be cruel or cool. I just don't place any value on that kind of communication. A call later that evening would be more than enough for me. I am only mentioning it here to give you the broader view you seem to be seeking.

Based on the facts as written I'd say YABU. But I suspect there may be much more to this and that's what's causing you to be so upset.

I’d be irritated - in order for me to leave my children behind I have to spend 3 days stocking the fridge and writing endless lists - I’ve often told my DH how lucky he is just to pack a bag and leave - for context we run a business together but all the school runs/ school holiday childcare/ illness days seem to fall to me. If there was an important medical appointment I would have expected him to make time to check about that at least. Not unreasonable.

Don't ask AIBU? Then kick off because people do in fact think you're being U.

Everyone has their own comfort level, you are obviously happy with and maybe expect that whereas I would find that over the top, unnecessary and frankly 🤮! But neither of us is wrong. The problem the OP has is that clearly her and her husband view things very differently in this respect.

Needy? Moi?!!