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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU To Be Annoyed with DH?

191 replies

Eyeofthelamp · 03/10/2023 07:09

I need to know whether I'm justified in my annoyance or not. Maybe it’s my hormones 🤷‍♀️

DH left for an overseas work trip early yesterday morning whilst I was still in bed, so obviously we didn't speak. His flight landed around lunchtime. I heard absolutely nothing from him until 7:20pm last night when I got a text to say 'arrived at hotel'. 13 hours with no contact, not even to check in with me.

For context, we run a business together and have two very young children. I also have an older child that had an important medical appointment yesterday. DH never bothered called to speak to me or our children or enquire about my older child or anything to do with our business. Would you be annoyed?

DH tried to call me around 8:30pm after I didn't reply to his text but I didn’t answer because I'm so annoyed with him. I feel like a complete afterthought.

So AIBU or would you be angry too?

OP posts:
MustBeNapTime · 03/10/2023 08:16

My husband travels a lot, so I kind of sympathise a bit. But it does work both ways, where was your text to him to say "hope you had a good flight, doctor said such-and-such about Child's condition" ? I think you are both in the wrong.

Mooda · 03/10/2023 08:20

I wouldn't be fussed about him not messaging me but I would be annoyed no concern showed about DC medical appointment so on that basis YANBU.

Deathbyfluffy · 03/10/2023 08:23

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Birch101 · 03/10/2023 08:23

I think he should message to say he has arrived in country/end destination safely and then when he has finished for the day is in his hotel room have a catch up call or message depending on time difference. At the end of his day is when I'd expect to fill each other in on stuff Inc medical issues

Cinai · 03/10/2023 08:26

Every couple has different communication styles and needs, so no one can tell you whether or not YABU, but a check-in in the evening would be normal for DH and I.

Bdhegdjeob · 03/10/2023 08:32

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 03/10/2023 08:12

A text to ask about medical app would have been nice but if id taken a dc to an important app i would have text with an update straight after. I'd also have text to ask if they arrived safely if i had been worried at all. It's not something i would be upset about personally but if it has upset you you could just ask for more communication next time.

Exactly this!

Could he have assumed that OP would let him know if the medical appointment flagged an issue. No news is good news.

WandaWonder · 03/10/2023 08:32

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 03/10/2023 08:07

Where have people blamed hormones?

You say he had time to post on FB so maybe he figured that was what you would see and know he had landed.

I visited my sister a while back and due to the fact she had booked us into a boozy lunch straight off the train I messaged dh about 4 hours after I arrived. No news is good news, and sometimes we are busy.

Show quote history

It was in the ops second line I believe, and I notice it in heaps of ops 'am I over reacting must be hormones' type original posts so the word people was used in a general context not specifically pp's on this specific thread

Birdienumnumm · 03/10/2023 08:41

Trying to work out under what circumstances it would bother me. Perhaps for you (OP) it’s just another instance where you’re feeling a bit taken for granted? I do think your response is a bit childish; maybe you should work out why this is bothering you and explain that to your husband rather than fuel the fire?

Whataretheodds · 03/10/2023 08:44

Sounds like you're feeling under the kosher @Eyeofthelamp.

How did the medical appointment go? Hope everything is OK.

SherbetLemonn · 03/10/2023 08:52

I think, gently, yabu BUT I do understand. When you feel you’ve a lot of pressure on you, and too much to do by yourself, it’s very easy to lash out. Hope you’ve spoken to him by now but if not, put this aside and call him for a chat, this isn’t worth stressing about.

AuditAngel · 03/10/2023 08:52

In June I went to Dublin on business for 4 days, i don’t think I communicated with my husband at all. He goes away and doesn’t get in touch (not for business) so I longer feel I have to call him unless there is a specific reason. I do have a WhatsApp group with the kids and I wake them up for school/college whenever I am away in term time

whattttttodo · 03/10/2023 08:53

If dh goes away I assume I'd hear from him that night for a chat/catch up. Or after tea to speak to kids. I think your over thinking this. You can ring him too!!

user1492757084 · 03/10/2023 08:55

He knows you are his friend on Facebook, He knowsyou knew he was living.
He was working and he communicated afterwards.

Had you answered the phone call you could have discussed the day, the kids etc. He knew you were busy too.

marshmallowfinder · 03/10/2023 08:57

Oh god, no. I can't bear constantly having to be in contact, especially whilst travelling.He did nothing wrong OP.

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 03/10/2023 09:00

Eyeofthelamp · 03/10/2023 07:28

For context, once his flight landed DH had to wait around at the airport for 3 hours to get a lift. He had absolutely nothing to do so a quick phone call to check in wouldn’t have been hard. He had time to update his bloody Facebook!

Okay... so he updated his Facebook therefore he knew he landed safely and knew you would too. Maybe he didn't want to waste his battery in his 3 hour wait to continue his journey. Or maybe he wanted time to himself without being pressured into constantly contacting by someone childish enough to moan about him taking too long to contact then ignoring him when he does. I don't think your husband stood a chance of doing the right thing regardless of what he did or didn't do.

GCSister · 03/10/2023 09:01

GodDammitCecil · 03/10/2023 08:16

I’m honestly not trying to be unkind. But there is literally nothing to be gained from bringing your situation on here.

People either make you feel deficient, because it wouldn’t bother them.

Or they make you feel deficient, because their husband/partner would do what yours doesn’t.

Neither is a good outcome.

Take it off MN and talk to him. 💐

Completely agree with this.
It's so personal to your relationship so you need to speak to him and set out expectations on both sides.

tennesseewhiskey1 · 03/10/2023 09:02

Im more concerned that your baby hasn’t slept at all at night for so many months!

YABU re the issue tho. I travel all the time and message rarely - I’m busy working you see.

MoonShinesBright · 03/10/2023 09:06

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HerMammy · 03/10/2023 09:08

I’m not about to call him for essentially nothing whilst he’s away, but that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be nice for him to make two
mins for me
Are you always so bloody obtuse?
You won't contact him but he's to contact you, which he did and you ignored!! No wonder so many marriages fail when people are ignorant selfish brats.

Thisistyresome · 03/10/2023 09:15

LTB.

Obviously you require a running commentary, how insensitive to not tell you the airport toilets were overdue for a clean, or the connection was 5 minutes late...

spitefulandbadgrammar · 03/10/2023 09:15

If I were looking after four children including a baby, taking DC to medical appointments, and running a business, I’d be irritated by getting pointless phone calls and check-in texts from my partner – weren’t you too busy to even notice?

Nanny0gg · 03/10/2023 09:17

lifeofsty · 03/10/2023 07:35

If you'd needed to speak to him could you have perhaps rang him?

My husband works overseas occasionally and if he started using me as his airport boredom buster I would conveniently leave my phone charging upstairs.

You sound so needy.

I don't think expecting him to enquire about the medical appt is 'needy'

lap90 · 03/10/2023 09:17

I'm not exactly sure what your issue is or what you are asking as it seems your mind is made up.

Codlingmoths · 03/10/2023 09:24

margotrose · 03/10/2023 08:03

Surely that also works in reverse, though?

He left for a work trip abroad and his wife didn't even say goodbye or check he was at the airport safely.

She also didn't check in with him all day and when he did get in touch, she ignored him anyway as she was in a huff.

If it's okay for her not to get in touch all day, surely it's okay for him to do the same?

Show quote history

Nobody who has ever had a baby that doesn’t sleep would be anything other than aghast at the idea of waking to say goodbye to the adult who is going awya leaving a very tired mum to solo parent 4 kids, especially if this risked waking the baby. I would want to cancel my husbands flight and him quit his job to look after baby if he woke our baby then left for days!!

GreatGardenstuff · 03/10/2023 09:29

I used to travel with work a lot. I was rubbish at keeping in touch with home, I used to switch into into work mode without even realising. I’d also assume home would contact me if there was something I needed to know about.

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