Page 9 | What happened to those people who never found a partner?

OnedayTwodays · 2023-10-02T17:48:39+00:00

What’s their lives like? How are they?

Mellowautumnmists · 03/10/2023 10:21

Blinkityblonk · 03/10/2023 10:13

@Mellowautumnmists I am quite shocked by that, it's downright rude. My friends just moan about their husbands.

Thank you, I was beginning to think that I was over reacting to their behaviour - the downside to being "single" is that you don't have a partner at home to offload onto....... 😐🙄

And yes, one lady said, with the Mumsnet head tilt and tinkly laugh, and the sympathetic pat on the arm, "well actually, bring married isn't all it's cracked up to be, my husband gets on my nerves most of the time...."

I have no problems talking about my late husband, it's nice that he is remembered, but when I indicated that "I didn't really want to talk about certain things then" they persisted. My boundaries and obvious discomfort were not respected and that really sucks.

Sorry for detailing your post, @OnedayTwodays

LumiB · 03/10/2023 10:33

I watched how to live to 100 on netflix, one of the running themes was connection with people. Some of those who were 90+ were single but they connected with their friends or family on a daily basis thats one of the reasons they believe it contributed to them being able to live for long.

Some people think being without a partner means you don't have friends etc.

It is up to you to develop your friends, through hobbies, work etc.

The times I might say I felt lonely is because I've worked from home for a week and the only human interaction I had was in the supermarket for 1 minute. Which is why lockdown was so hard on some people who lived alone.

And lets face it choosing to be single doesn't mean you stop date, some choose to. But for me, I like to go out date men, never know might meet my 'one' but its also nice to meet other people and get to know them. They might turn into great friends instead.

Connection and interaction with people doesn't have to be in the form of a relationship with a man.

SpringingChicken · 03/10/2023 11:30

Blinkityblonk · 03/10/2023 09:47

OP, I read this thread earlier and felt quite sorry for you because I don't think most people are hearing your situation.

It's very very different to decide to be single, as I am currently, when you have had several relationships, marriage and kids. Of course after 20 years odd of childrearing, you are done in and starting again less tempting.

That's not your situation though, I don't think, I get the impression you are not in a relationship, don't have children, and that is fading away as a life choice for you (I don't know about this last bit).

I have lots of childfree friends, but they are all in long-term relationships (they are 40's and 50's now). I have a couple of single friends, through being widowed or divorced, all have had children. Being single in this situation is indeed pretty desirable.

I think those saying love and marriage don't matter, or are just social conventions, are missing the point- you feel lonely and you say you don't have a loving family either. That is indeed a loss and something I think I'd talk through with a counsellor/therapist- to find out how you can move forward, attract more people in (whether friends, relationships) and so on.

Saying I've had three relationships, two kids and I'm single isn't helpful when that's not the situation of the OP!

Exactly.

And there is the ‘toxic positivity’ thing. Whereby the OP is meant to be happy being a strong single woman. As it’s not cool these days to be unhappy about this.

Fwendi · 03/10/2023 12:12

KeepNameChanging81 · 03/10/2023 07:40

My mum is a widow. I do feel for her her, she was widowed in her 40s and was very loved by my father. She is lucky to have children and grandchildren, she has hobbies and still works. But I do wish she had met someone to share her life with as we all get older.

I'm slightly worried that you're my Dd!

If you're not, I'm in exactly the same situation as your mum. If you are, please can you pick up some dog food on your way round later? :)

helloeverybod · 03/10/2023 12:35

I've never known anyone never have a partner, but those that I know that are divorced who have confided in me about it would very much like to find someone, but have lost the confidence/feel that they don't know how/don't know where to start and then decades pass. It's very sad.

whatnot929 · 03/10/2023 12:43

dayofcheese · 02/10/2023 19:05

The way you talk of "they" "them" is weird. Like you expect us to be talking of someone else other than ourselves. Very othering. I suggest you look at how you view single people as somehow on the outside perhaps? I would seek counselling.

She's talking about herself! She has explicitly said this.

I suggest you learn to read.

tabulaisrasa · 03/10/2023 12:43

I'm long term single, never wanted to get married or have kids, and cetainly do not want to live with anybody. I like my own company, LOVE my own space, and have friends, family and social groups I do stuff with on a regular basis plus my own life goals I'm working towards which all keeps me busy.

Having a partner isn't something I ever identified as an element of my life that would make me fulfilled. If anything, I fear the opposite - that having a partner would mean constant sacrifices and compromises and frustrations and holding me back.

I am fiercely independent, and very much of the mindset that if I don't have someone to do things with, I will do things by myself. If I waited around for someone else, I'd never do anything I wanted to! I fully recognise that not all relationships are like this, but I see a lot that are and it's not something I am interested in. I am very happy with my life and very happy being alone; I just don't think I'd tolerate living with someone but am not averse to being in a committed relationship so long as there's no expectation of living together or getting married.

BigFatLiar · 03/10/2023 14:54

tabulaisrasa · 03/10/2023 12:43

I'm long term single, never wanted to get married or have kids, and cetainly do not want to live with anybody. I like my own company, LOVE my own space, and have friends, family and social groups I do stuff with on a regular basis plus my own life goals I'm working towards which all keeps me busy.

Having a partner isn't something I ever identified as an element of my life that would make me fulfilled. If anything, I fear the opposite - that having a partner would mean constant sacrifices and compromises and frustrations and holding me back.

I am fiercely independent, and very much of the mindset that if I don't have someone to do things with, I will do things by myself. If I waited around for someone else, I'd never do anything I wanted to! I fully recognise that not all relationships are like this, but I see a lot that are and it's not something I am interested in. I am very happy with my life and very happy being alone; I just don't think I'd tolerate living with someone but am not averse to being in a committed relationship so long as there's no expectation of living together or getting married.

I think if you're single it becomes more difficult to cope with having someone else. A couple of our single friends have said it would be nice to have a wife but then they would probably get resentful of her ever presence after a while no matter how much they loved her.

EmmaEmerald · 03/10/2023 15:02

tabula "If anything, I fear the opposite - that having a partner would mean constant sacrifices and compromises and frustrations and holding me back.*

I'm long term single by choice.

I just had a summer thing/fling/romance and it turned into that very quickly.

I really think a lot of relationships only work if one partner actively wants to sacrifice everything - which some people do.

BigFatLiar the idea of someone being "ever present" is my worst nightmare.

PinkRiceKrispies · 03/10/2023 18:14

I crave alone time. I think I would struggle massively with someone always being in my space, having to cook for two different tastes, share my bed, go to all his work parties etc. There's a lot of compromise in relationships. I like not having to think about all that.

givemeasunnyday · 03/10/2023 20:15

Now that we’re older, everyone is in their relationship/family foxholes.
And there is a real sense of hierarchy, how they are so much better/important people now.
Like status symbols. It was nothing like this when we were young.

I think you need to widen your social circle and find some new friends tbh. Yours don't sound terribly nice if that truly is the impression they give. Many of my friends are long-time married and none of them act like that.

givemeasunnyday · 03/10/2023 20:36

MumsTheWordFact · 03/10/2023 09:12

It's interesting how many people are posting here as if being single is better because then you don't have to put up with selfish partners. And while compared to being with a selfish partner, that's probably true, being single doesn't compare to having a proper relationship and a family. I can say that with certainty because I've done all three in life. It's a shame so many people on here have only ever been with trolls and thought that was what it was always like.

I was married for 12 years, no children. While I have no regrets, I really shouldn't have got married as I never wanted to get married, right from a young age. It's nothing to do with putting up with selfish partners, most of the men I've been in relationships with (in my youth) weren't selfish, and if they were I moved on. I never wanted a 'proper relationship and a family', is it really so hard to understand that not all people have that as their aim in life? If I were to open my back door and find a queue of eligible men standing outside I would slam it shut and turn the key - I'm just not interested. Just because you are happier with your current way of life than you were being single doesn't mean everyone else wants/needs a relationship (but apparently doesn't realise it). Some people are happiest being single.

MumsTheWordFact · 03/10/2023 20:46

givemeasunnyday · 03/10/2023 20:36

I was married for 12 years, no children. While I have no regrets, I really shouldn't have got married as I never wanted to get married, right from a young age. It's nothing to do with putting up with selfish partners, most of the men I've been in relationships with (in my youth) weren't selfish, and if they were I moved on. I never wanted a 'proper relationship and a family', is it really so hard to understand that not all people have that as their aim in life? If I were to open my back door and find a queue of eligible men standing outside I would slam it shut and turn the key - I'm just not interested. Just because you are happier with your current way of life than you were being single doesn't mean everyone else wants/needs a relationship (but apparently doesn't realise it). Some people are happiest being single.

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Oh no, I can quite believe that some people are happier being single. It's just from a lot of posts on here, people seem to always compare being single to horrible relationships, as if they're the only two possibilities.

cupidshootstokill · 04/10/2023 00:15

PinkRiceKrispies · 03/10/2023 18:14

I crave alone time. I think I would struggle massively with someone always being in my space, having to cook for two different tastes, share my bed, go to all his work parties etc. There's a lot of compromise in relationships. I like not having to think about all that.

I think that depends on the relationship to be fair, not all require a lot of compromise, if you are well suited and share similar tastes, are both introverts then it isn't an issue I've found.

givemeasunnyday · 04/10/2023 05:04

MumsTheWordFact · 03/10/2023 20:46

Oh no, I can quite believe that some people are happier being single. It's just from a lot of posts on here, people seem to always compare being single to horrible relationships, as if they're the only two possibilities.

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That's fair comment. Sometimes from reading MN you could be led to think that all relationships are horrible, but of course they are not and I know some extremely happy and well suited couples (who don't expect perfection from their partners).

Bumpitybumper · 04/10/2023 06:54

MumsTheWordFact · 03/10/2023 20:46

Oh no, I can quite believe that some people are happier being single. It's just from a lot of posts on here, people seem to always compare being single to horrible relationships, as if they're the only two possibilities.

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I was reading through this thread and noticed the same. It is so bizarre and very patronising.

I think most people (both men and women) would ideally like to meet a kind, supportive partner that enriches their lives. I also think many people would also like children. I know some people never desire a partner or children , but it is misleading to suggest that the majority of the population don't want these things.

When someone comes on MN with worries, fears or sadness about not meeting a life partner or having children, the only acceptable response seems to be to tell them how crap some relationships are and how difficult being a mother can be. We gloss over their unfulfilled desires and tell them that their life will be better and easier this way and cite examples of single people that had great lives. It's just seems so condescending and insensitive.

Ted27 · 04/10/2023 09:45

@Bumpitybumper and others

I am long term single, at 58 I'm no longer sure whether this is now an active choice. Its just my life.
I had a very bad time in my 30s after the breakdown of a long term relationship.
But I got to a point where I realised I had to make a choice to actually live my life or wallow in self pity. I know that sounds harsh, but I think that's the reality.
I am the only single person amongst my friends, some are happily married, one couple are mutually abusive, others just rub along more through inertia than anything else.
I haven't looked for a partner or dated for years, I've built a good life, adopted my son, got the cat etc etc. I don't leap out of bed every morning shouting yey I'm single, nor do I expect my married friends do similar. Yes there are times when I wish someone else was around to cool dinner or put the bins out.
It's not a perfect life, I've had my dark times and learnt to live with the downsides.
I have built a good life - but that comes from within. No amount of telling people to join clubs, get a dog, adopt a child, go travelling etc etc, will fundamentally help. But there is a choice here, focus on the positives in your life, build your support for the times when you are low, people you can have a moan to. Accept that no life is perfect, but truly live the life you have and don't focus on the things you don't have

Catsmere · 04/10/2023 11:01

Well said, @Ted27.

mrlistersgelfbride · 04/10/2023 13:36

I have long term single friends who have money, amazing holidays, nice cars and houses, go on dates and do what they like and are answerable to no one.
I'm pretty sure they don't envy my life of arguments with my partner, sleeping on the sofa and doing what my ILs want.

The grass isn't always greener.
Try to create meaning in your life, surround yourself with your favourite things and find joy in everyday. It sounds cliched but I'm sure it's true.
Being on your own is so much better than feeling trapped in a loveless relationship, which is more common than people think sadly.

SqueakyRadish · 04/10/2023 18:25

OnedayTwodays · 02/10/2023 18:53

@Justifiedcheese

How did they find that happiness?
Do you know if it was difficult to accept not having love in their lives?
Was it difficult for them when everyone else is living very conventional lives?
How do/did other people react/treat them?

Or were they single from older age and did the marriage/kids thing already?

Edited

The way you find your happiness is by being happy with who you are.

A partner does not complete you, they complement you.
You are enough on your own.
If you aren't happy alone, I'd put money on you not being much happier in a relationship.

I know that probably sounds twee, but it's true.
I've been single for about 8 years now (I'm in my 40s) and while there are times that I miss having someone to share things with, I am genuinely also happy living my life.

I'm not quite in the same situation as you, since I do have kids, but again, while my kids obviously bring me happiness, they are not responsible for, or my sole source of, happiness.

I think it's really easy to think of all the 'what ifs' and wonder if life would have been better, but there's really no guarantee it would be!

I would recommend therapy (for everyone tbh cos therapy is great) to work through why you feel how you do and to maybe learn to appreciate yourself for just being you!

Goldfish41 · 04/10/2023 18:32

OnedayTwodays · 02/10/2023 18:53

@Justifiedcheese

How did they find that happiness?
Do you know if it was difficult to accept not having love in their lives?
Was it difficult for them when everyone else is living very conventional lives?
How do/did other people react/treat them?

Or were they single from older age and did the marriage/kids thing already?

Edited

I have loads of love in my life, I have a child for a start (went solo) and that’s a million times greater a love than I’ve ever felt for a man. I’m surrounded by loving family and friends. Love really is not something you have to worry about us single folk missing out on… and no it’s not difficult - to me, marriage would be the difficult bit!

Heb1996 · 04/10/2023 18:42

@MintJulia I agree. If you’re happy, settled and financially secure then what’s wrong with that? Better than settling for a man just to have a partner. I was married very young at 19 then widowed at 20 and never thought I would find another love. So I carried on with my career on a London newspaper and bought my own house by the time I was 28. I dated but never seriously. Then I decided to let a room in my house and along came a chap who moved in and never left! That was 36 years ago and we’ve been married 34 years! He is lovely and we’re happily married with 2 wonderful kids which I’m really happy about. I’m glad I was willing to take a chance on him because that risk has more than paid off and it’s obviously been more than worth it. So I would say, enjoy life, be happy, don’t settle for anything, but be open to someone coming into your life who could be amazing!

Completelydonechick · 04/10/2023 18:42

Jesus posted???

exaltedwombat · 04/10/2023 18:50

The generation of women whose potential husbands were killed in WW1 got jobs and looked after themselves, of necssity. Possibly a big factor in hasteningwomen's sufferage in the UK.

GreenFritillary · 04/10/2023 19:00

Some were quietly lesbian, often coming out later as it became more accepted.