Page 10 | What happened to those people who never found a partner?

OnedayTwodays · 2023-10-02T17:48:39+00:00

What’s their lives like? How are they?

Original poster

OnedayTwodays · 04/10/2023 19:00

Ted27 · 04/10/2023 09:45

@Bumpitybumper and others

I am long term single, at 58 I'm no longer sure whether this is now an active choice. Its just my life.
I had a very bad time in my 30s after the breakdown of a long term relationship.
But I got to a point where I realised I had to make a choice to actually live my life or wallow in self pity. I know that sounds harsh, but I think that's the reality.
I am the only single person amongst my friends, some are happily married, one couple are mutually abusive, others just rub along more through inertia than anything else.
I haven't looked for a partner or dated for years, I've built a good life, adopted my son, got the cat etc etc. I don't leap out of bed every morning shouting yey I'm single, nor do I expect my married friends do similar. Yes there are times when I wish someone else was around to cool dinner or put the bins out.
It's not a perfect life, I've had my dark times and learnt to live with the downsides.
I have built a good life - but that comes from within. No amount of telling people to join clubs, get a dog, adopt a child, go travelling etc etc, will fundamentally help. But there is a choice here, focus on the positives in your life, build your support for the times when you are low, people you can have a moan to. Accept that no life is perfect, but truly live the life you have and don't focus on the things you don't have

Thank you both.
You articulated so well.

And I’m tired of having to feel shame for wanting a life partner and maybe even kids.
Not all of us are these dtong, amazing people and personally I have disabilities, so I also don’t have lots of money and amazing trips, that apparently is supposed to compensate the lack of a family.

OP posts:

Original poster

OnedayTwodays · 04/10/2023 19:03

If you aren't happy alone, I'd put money on you not being much happier in a relationship.

Are there actually (that many) people who have actually done this?
I fon’t anyone who was long term single and over the moon happy.
And those who seem better off, were people who had short term, casual things the whole time and plenty of options. And/or had kids.
So none of them did the ’get to know yourself and fell in love with yourself’ thing.
Like at all.
At all.

OP posts:

SqueakyRadish · 04/10/2023 19:04

OnedayTwodays · 04/10/2023 19:03

If you aren't happy alone, I'd put money on you not being much happier in a relationship.

Are there actually (that many) people who have actually done this?
I fon’t anyone who was long term single and over the moon happy.
And those who seem better off, were people who had short term, casual things the whole time and plenty of options. And/or had kids.
So none of them did the ’get to know yourself and fell in love with yourself’ thing.
Like at all.
At all.

Edited

Yes, me!

Toomuchtrouble4me · 04/10/2023 19:08

My bestie never met anyone she wanted to have children with, she had a good few offers but never found ‘the one’ she definitely struggled in her 40’s as she’d wanted a child but now in her 50’s she’s happy with her lot and can’t be bothered with a partner. She has a good job, own house, great friends, a dog and plenty of money.
Another dear friend desperately wanted children after her long term partner betrayed her in her 30’s. By 40 she hadn’t met anyone else so she had IVF and has twin girls.
Both are in the happier that most of married friends.

Exmouthlady · 04/10/2023 19:08

I'm 57 and single. Kids have flown the nest and life has never been better. I love to travel and do so solo. I can do what I want, when I want.

You don't 'find' happiness. You create it yourself, took me a few years to get it. If love came along I'd go with it, but not actively looking.

I have single friends desperate to never be alone, but they miss so much in life as its all consuming. They don't live in the moment, enjoy activities etc as too busy looking for that 1 person. But happiness is there already, they just don't see it.

Learn to truly love yourself.

Goldfish41 · 04/10/2023 19:11

OnedayTwodays · 04/10/2023 19:03

If you aren't happy alone, I'd put money on you not being much happier in a relationship.

Are there actually (that many) people who have actually done this?
I fon’t anyone who was long term single and over the moon happy.
And those who seem better off, were people who had short term, casual things the whole time and plenty of options. And/or had kids.
So none of them did the ’get to know yourself and fell in love with yourself’ thing.
Like at all.
At all.

Edited

I did!

Londoner89 · 04/10/2023 19:12

My mum is chronically lonely. She got tearful about it recently.
She’s 61. Doesn’t want the stress at her age of taking on another man’s family drama, because our family has had enough stress and she wants to relax. It doesn’t seem to work with slightly younger men and she doesn’t want to end up a carer for an older man.
she’s quite stuck in her ways and after a few boyfriends over the last 12 years she always ends up alone.

SpringingChicken · 04/10/2023 19:13

I don’t think being single after having your kids is remotely comparable to never having had children and being single. Not at all.

Goldfish41 · 04/10/2023 19:14

Is it a partner or is it children you want OP? I ask because it became clear to me once I got pregnant with my child that that was actually what it had all been about, my desire for a partner simply vanished and has never returned. And you can be a solo parent, that does not have to be closed off to you just because you’re on your own.

Original poster

OnedayTwodays · 04/10/2023 19:16

@SqueakyRadish & @Goldfish41 may I ask how long were you alone or were you alone?
And did you always have a lot of options (quality might have not been what you liked, but still people who were interested)?
Did you want children and if yes, did you you already have them?

OP posts:

Original poster

OnedayTwodays · 04/10/2023 19:19

Goldfish41 · 04/10/2023 19:14

Is it a partner or is it children you want OP? I ask because it became clear to me once I got pregnant with my child that that was actually what it had all been about, my desire for a partner simply vanished and has never returned. And you can be a solo parent, that does not have to be closed off to you just because you’re on your own.

Both.
But little bit more a partner, just a bit.
I wouldn’t have child alone.
Not judging anyone who does, but I don’t think it’s for me/something I could do.
Mostly I want a life partner, for my simple little life, just to share it with me.

OP posts:

unsync · 04/10/2023 19:29

All I can tell you is that having been in two long term relationships from 15 to 21 and then married from 23 until 49, I much prefer being single.

I have been single since end 2017 and have no intention of ever having another partner.

If I had realised as a teen that it was possible to live my life as a singleton (no one seemed to back then), I would have done so. It just never occurred to me, the expectation from everyone was that you should be part of a couple. I was even told this by the Careers Master at school.

I can understand why you might wish for someone to share your life with though.

S4uk · 04/10/2023 19:29

Me! Literally always been single… a few relationships that have failed (I’m usually cheated on 🙄)
im 42; just adopted my son, about to adopt his sister.
im even lamer that I live and work with my parents.
but I’d never settle for Mr Right Now… which is why I’m still single!

FindingNeverland28 · 04/10/2023 19:33

They lived happily ever after, starfishing in their beds, not fighting over the remote and knowing that the bar of chocolate they’ve been saving will still be there. I was single for 8 years before I met my DP and sometimes I do miss being single.

Topsyturveymam · 04/10/2023 19:46

It’s mixed with my single friends (I’m in my early 50’s) . Some lead a fabulous life and can prioritise what they want/need. Others are comparing themselves to partnered friends and feeling lesser for being single. They’ve bought into the idea that only through having a partner can they be happy.
I think it’s all about mindset.
Im married and have kids, sometimes I’m envious of my single or kid- free friends. I’m sure some of the they might feel having a partner/kids would be great.
However, I think it’s about making the most of what you have and appreciating that. A little bit of looking over the fence is ok. However not to the extent that you can’t live life to its fullest!

JanglingJack · 04/10/2023 19:48

Justifiedcheese · 02/10/2023 18:50

The ones I know are happily single in old age and having a whale of a time...

This.

Crazyducklady · 04/10/2023 20:01

Have been very happy to be single for 11+ yrs with children aged 12 and 15. Zero desire to find another relationship during this time or in the future.
Have greatly enjoyed raising my boys in happiness and peace completely on my own so far and look forward to the rest of their stories.
When they’re grown and flown I hope to potter about in a camper van and see where it takes me.

Hi20 · 04/10/2023 20:02

After my ex and I split in 2008, I had 3 young kids to raise, I had a few dates but they just didn't do anything for me, also listening to my married/coupled work colleagues moan about there homes and partners put me off a relationship, i just think my money is my money, I can spend it on what I want, when I want it. Now that the Kids are older I can do my own things go were I want to go with out a partner moaning and the best thing I get the bed and duvet to my self 😆

Original poster

OnedayTwodays · 04/10/2023 20:11

I appreciate everyone for answering.
And it seems that the best way to be happy single is, when you already had a ’happily, not so ever lasting’ moment before.
And that explaind the tone of the answers here too.
I absolutely believe being happy ’single’ if you already had a long term relationship / marriage and had the kids.
Even more so if the relationship wasn’t good.

OP posts:

S4uk · 04/10/2023 20:14

OnedayTwodays · 04/10/2023 20:11

I appreciate everyone for answering.
And it seems that the best way to be happy single is, when you already had a ’happily, not so ever lasting’ moment before.
And that explaind the tone of the answers here too.
I absolutely believe being happy ’single’ if you already had a long term relationship / marriage and had the kids.
Even more so if the relationship wasn’t good.

Not at all!
I've never had the "love" moments with a bloke.
What I've done is take control of my destiny.. adopting is amazing!
Would I like a plus one; of course! But I'm not going to beat myself up because no one "wants" me

BigFatLiar · 04/10/2023 20:17

OnedayTwodays · 04/10/2023 20:11

I appreciate everyone for answering.
And it seems that the best way to be happy single is, when you already had a ’happily, not so ever lasting’ moment before.
And that explaind the tone of the answers here too.
I absolutely believe being happy ’single’ if you already had a long term relationship / marriage and had the kids.
Even more so if the relationship wasn’t good.

You can be perfectly happy even if you haven't had a relationship which has broken down. It needs you to be content within yourself. As a woman you can have a child if you want without a man (other than initially) if a child is what you want. Just try to make the most of what you have and enjoy doing what you want when you want without having to take someone else into account.

tommyhoundmum · 04/10/2023 20:18

There are many different kinds of love.

I am happy with a young person here, a cat, a dog, books, friends and walks.

readbooksdrinktea · 04/10/2023 20:19

I have disabilities too, and next to no money. I still prefer being single to being coupled up. No man has added enough to my life to warrant him being around long-term. I have never been married or had children, both by choice. I value my own space and time too much.

I do have good friends and have had various FWB arrangements. Works well.

SpringingChicken · 04/10/2023 20:19

OnedayTwodays · 04/10/2023 20:11

I appreciate everyone for answering.
And it seems that the best way to be happy single is, when you already had a ’happily, not so ever lasting’ moment before.
And that explaind the tone of the answers here too.
I absolutely believe being happy ’single’ if you already had a long term relationship / marriage and had the kids.
Even more so if the relationship wasn’t good.

Yes. I am not in your position OP but I think it is about never having experienced these milestones, whether good or bad that is affecting you.

Original poster

OnedayTwodays · 04/10/2023 20:24

It needs you to be content within yourself.

This is a funny thing.
And I don’t deny it.
Bug life is so very long, that I end up in these loops.
Sometimes I’m okey with how things went and accept it all.
But then times go on, and I start thinking.
And sometimes I am lonely, I don’t think that’s so wrong to say.
And then I pick myself up all over again.
And then it starts all over again.

enjoy doing what you want when you want without having to take someone else into account.

Done it for so long / always, that I’m bored with with 🤣😇!
There’s a big part of me that wants to take care of things, my dad visited me for a week awhile back, and man I was so happy to just run around get and make things for him/us. I had so much energy and it made me so happy.

OP posts: