What happened to those people who never found a partner?

[OnedayTwodays]

What’s their lives like?

How are they?

You seem to be looking for people outside of you to make you happy. You need to start with yourself.

‘And there is a real sense of hierarchy, how they are so much better/important people now.’

I think you must know some dickheads. Who behaves like that? Why is the ability to partner-up or procreate something to brag about?! I am so much more than a mother and wife. When I go out with single friends, I can find so much other stuff to chat about.

Read the thread fgs. OP is struggling with being single.

I know people in strong happy marriages, I know people who are staying for the kids but who can barely stand to hear their partners voice.

I know happy single people and I know people who would love to find someone.

I very one is different. But that is a concept some find hard to accept.

There are many ways to have love in your life, partner and kids are just the easiest and most socially acceptable. My single friends have rich, full lives (richer than mine for sure HA) and an abundance of love whether that’s for friends, siblings, parents or just other children in their life.

Do I envy them? No, because I love my husband and kids… but do they envy me? No, because they also have wonderful, meaningful lives. It’s just different.

I am married with dc but have a lot of friends who are single and childfree in their late 40s and beyond. They are all individuals so I don't want to lump them together; I can't say they are all happy or unhappy, same as with my friends who have families.

I guess some general points:

• they have had more time to spend on their careers and all found things that fulfill them in some way - either materially (some have high flying jobs) or satisfaction
• they have had more time to develop close friendships and relationships with other family members, so have a rich social life when they want it
• they have more money to pursue hobbies and travel
• they will on the whole retire earlier

None of them talk to me about being sad about missing out, even the ones who really wanted a relationship and kids. We used to, in our twenties and thirties, but less so now. They all have other childfree friends who they may feel more comfortable talking to about that. They sometimes mention how hard it is when people talk about kids or grandkids a lot - and how boring it is.

Oh another downside is that they tend to be expected to provide care for elderly/sick relatives if they don't have kids to look after; they are expected to be free. However, this may just be a general female / personality thing .. my DP expect me to do more for them than my DB, even though only I have kids. But that may just be that I am better at it and they know I can cope!

I work and live in a pretty liberal place and I think that helps - yes lots of us are married with kids but lots of long term single people too. We have all travelled (TEFL background) and not followed the same path, and very few of us are local. Variety of nationalities and LGBTQI (university) - so it is an inclusive community, at least Compared to my DH's workplace, where everyone is local and married with kids.

Why do you think that not having a partner automatically means having no love in your life?

You can be single and have loving friends, family, pets...some will be single parents and have kids.

or simply be happy and fulfilled on your own.

Equally you can be in a relationship and be miserable.

My brother, mild LD, very lonely, is vulnerable, falls very easily for foreign scam artists professing their love for him and wanting money. Fortunately he has no money to send. Still lives with mum, now 61.

I am sure he would have been happier with someone similar in his life. Unlikely to ever happen as his social skills are non existent and he never goes anywhere or wants to. It doesn't stop him feeling inside though.

A lot of the lived happy ever after.

This tbh.

Being a single woman in my late thirties with no kids, certainly seems to make me feel the minority however, I don't know anybody else in the same position and know quite a lot of people. Everyone I meet assumes I am waiting desperately for a man and that I am desperate for kids. Sad really that they see that as the only route to happiness.
I don't need anyone to 'complete' me or any of that nonsense. Can't think of anything worse than having kids either, they can be adorable when babies but they don't stay babies for long.

There is very little reason to need to have a partner in life, you can hold down a job, earn money, buy what you need, go on holiday, have friends to do things with, go do your own shopping, clean your house, know how to pay bills and manage money. All the basics we can all do as competent adults.

If you're ill you can literally pick up your phone in bed and get someone to go to the supermarket and buy some soup or medicine and deliver it to you (of course at a cost). Again if you need help after surgery you can get it.

So for me and my friends who are single, the only need for a partner is for the romance and connection that you share at a different level to one you have with friends.

And if you want kids you can always try to adopt or foster - not saying its easy to do those things but there are options even if you want your own. That is if that is what you are happy to do of course.

Depends, we are all different. My BIL is single and moody, grumpy with it. I wonder if he’d be happier with someone else, but probably not.

I think with kids, it’s strange, the old adage: they are the best bits of my life, but also the biggest pita.

The secret is probably to be really positive about the life you DO have. I guess the whole grateful thing. You will def have advantages to being single, child free, over those with their own families. Likewise, people with kids and a partner will have advantages you don’t currently have. ditto disadvantages on both sides. So it’s about where we put our focus and our energy.

If you do want a partner, and I’m sensing you do (not read the thread yet!) then if you nurture positivity, your appreciation of life will make you very attractive. Btw, I’m in a really bad mood today since stressed with work, so I realise I could take a bit of this advice too. Good luck OP!

Personally I was not truly happy single and wanted children. Day to day I was happy but every now and then I'd get really sad about it.

I know one single friend though and she is living the dream and hates the idea of a relationship!

It's just like married people. Some love it and some are miserable.

OP, I think you said you don’t live in the UK so there may be cultural differences and expectations around having a partner or kids where you live. Maybe that’s why you don’t know many in the same situation? The answers you get on here may not reflect attitudes where you are living.

I have several friends who never met a partner or had children. Mostly they just seem to plod along with the rest of us, without the worry about kids, exams, their futures, etc. They also go on a lot of holidays because they are multiples cheaper than holidays with family and kids in tow. She sometimes goes with dingle friends, but at our age, they are divorced so sometines have kids. She either then goes on her own or on singles holidays, but she says most are either retired or people in thrir teens and 20's. I was surprised at this as apparently 40% of women under 40 are sibgle and childless. However, it seems a downside is that they are the ones who have the burden of looking after elderly parents, as ' they don't have responsibilities', so they are called upon more. One of my friends has her own large home that she has to pay for and maintain on her own because she will have to sort out and osy for her in care even she's older, so she's planning on doing that with her house. Others still live with elderly parents, which they find hard.

I know a few.

They have very successful careers, although success isn't measured by salary in all of them. One has bought her dream house. One lives with her mother but that's so she can build up mad savings and they get on well. One fosters cats. All have good holidays and full social lives, better than mine with kids.

One of them doesn't want kids (she's of an age where she still could) but would like to meet someone. She says she really feels it when she's ill and there's nobody to make her some tea or Lemsip. She's good friends with a single man who also doesn't want kids but wants to meet someone. I suppose they have their reasons but it's very frustrating to watch.

The others did want kids and partners and do feel sad about it, although you have to be close to them to know that as they don't broadcast it. They have never had unrealistic relationship expectations or anything like that.

They have done brilliantly in all the things that were within their control and they are fantastic humans who make the world a better place.

I really don't believe 40% of women under 40 are single. I know none apart from myself and mix with a wide range of people in life.

I have two aunts who never married or had children. They have brilliant lives, they have travelled, one has opened a B&B, they always seem to have plenty of money and freedom.
They can do what they went, when they want and with who they want without worrying what anyone else thinks.

My elder daughter is single and has always been so. She says she is happy that way and is not actively seeking a partner but if the right person came along she would not be averse to being in a committed relationship. My brother is the same as are many of my friends. You can be selfish when single so I can see the attraction. I don't think you should define people by their relationship status. Many in long term relationships don't have love just an apathy to change the status quo and lots of single people have the love of their family and friends.

Stop giving our secrets away! 🐊🐊🐊

I'm going to say something VERY sexist now.

Everywhere I look/read/listen to, literally everything is covered in finding or having love.

It's women pushing this. There I said it.

You think the average bloke is sat in the pub after Rugby and day dreaming about the loves he's never had? Do you think they stop mid stride outside a suit shop and dream, 'one day that'll be me' as they see a wedding day suit? Do you think the average bloke down the boozer with his footy mates talk about shagging, fishing, fighting and what colours their dream wedding is going to be?

Nah...

Women have been conditioned to think love is the be all and end all. That Richard Gere is going to ride in and hand them a credit card or John Travolta is gonna come and swoop them out of their INCREDIBLY TIGHT trousers.

You look around Mumsnet or any other site that feature women discussing relationships. You'll get an over arching sense that a lot of the posters have 'Expectation Vs Reality' problems.

I thought he'd change after we were married.
I thought he'd change after having a child.
I thought he loved me.

So on and so on.

Time to wake up buttercup.

'Love' in real life, it ain't anything worth the drama and feeling loved by someone that treats you like dirt is a fallacy, a trick you've played on yourself to give you comfort as you cry after being downtrodden, abused, belittled, put in your place by a man that wouldn't treat you that way if he truly loved you.

Don't be one of those women putting pressure on yourself and others to settle for less in the name of some mystical feeling that there's little chance would be reciprocal.

And ultimately love.. love.. what is it really?

What is love?

I did think I'd get married when I was younger. Probably because it was expected. I was one of the first to be 'practically married' and there was a lot of surprise when I didn't get married and ended up single.

A couple of very long-term relationships didn't work out. Had lot of disappointing first dates, and it gave me pause to consider why I was looking for a partner.

I came to the conclusion that having being in a bad relationship before, I wasn't prepared to settle for any relationship. I only wanted to date a man where he would make my life better in some way.

I am financially independent. I am a high earner and have my own home. I don't need a man for money. A man can't make my life better just because he's rich. And having dated low earners, a man often makes my life poorer because he's poorer - a lot of them come with this awful chip on their shoulder and judgement because I'm a woman and I shouldn't be earning more than them. I am not sorry for having a good career and being good at what I do. That rules out money as a factor.

I don't want children. So, I don't need a man for sperm, and if he already has kids, I don't think I want to be a stepmum to them. I don't want a man who is prepared to abandon his kids because that makes him a horrible human, and I don't want a man who does have kids, because there's a reason I didn't have my own. That rules out procreation as a factor.

Having had varying sex, including disappointing sex, I'm not sure I can rely on any man for that particular requirement either. I also don't want to be pestered when I'm not up for it. Like many women, if you pester me for sex when I really don't want it, I feel even more turned off and get stuck in a vicious cycle and get the ick. That rules out sex as a factor.

Emotional needs? Well, I have many deep and meaningful friendships. I'm not lacking in emotional support and company. That rules out companionship as a factor.

Sometimes I think it would be nice to have a man around, but then I think of the reality, and I remember how judged I always felt. The pressure to eat a certain way, always have shaved legs, do things I didn't want to do... Being on my own, I do what I damn well like, and I don't feel judged. The feeling of liberation is the hardest thing to give up. It could be my fault or even society's fault why I feel that pressure - maybe it's nothing to do with the man at all - but I feel it. And I'd rather live without it.

I worked so hard to happy on my own after leaving a bad relationship, and I did such a good job that I'm really really happy on my own. And being truly happy, I don't have the space for a man. There's no gap left.

I am content with my lifestyle, and I do so much charity work that I know I'm leaving behind a legacy without having any descendants.

I honestly don't know what a man could do to convince me that my life would be better with him in it. I'm not saying never, I'm just saying it's pretty damn unlikely.

How wide? Honestly, how wide?

If you look at the wealth discrepancy in the country, it's almost impossible to be rubbing shoulders with people in the most deprived areas as well as the aristocracy and everyone in between. If nothing else, you just can't be in that many places at once. And do you mix with equal numbers of people in all age ranges from 18 to 40?

It's interesting how many people are posting here as if being single is better because then you don't have to put up with selfish partners. And while compared to being with a selfish partner, that's probably true, being single doesn't compare to having a proper relationship and a family. I can say that with certainty because I've done all three in life. It's a shame so many people on here have only ever been with trolls and thought that was what it was always like.