What happened to those people who never found a partner?

[OnedayTwodays]

What’s their lives like?

How are they?

They wake up to the realisation that they are much better off without the burden of taking care of someone else as well as having to shrink themselves and their own lives to fit into someone else's idea of who they are.

I was single for a very long time and I look back now and wish that I could have appreciated that time more.

Our culture is incredibly couple focused and it was bloody hard being single. But now as a married person I have to wonder about the immense social forces constantly working to convince us that our happiness lies in coupledom. I mean if men were really handsome princes we wouldn’t need a fixed diet of fairy tales and romcoms to condition us to shackle up.

Imagine if Bridget Jones hadn’t got together with Mark Darcy, but instead found her feet as a single woman? That’s a movie trilogy I’d love to see.

for me its a mix,
i had the potential for the whole marriage, kids etc but the relationship fell apart, that said, my ex is happy with two kids and a stable marriage as far as im aware.
and ill be honest yes it my be worth it in the end, but seeing how some parents struggle on mumsnet threads with kids and when people are in shops etc, then how they turn out when older etc personally i prefer self development rather than having children. yes i can understand everyone is different but for me its a huge investment,

The population of the world is around 8 billion!

You are 1 person out of 8 billion people. How many people have you actually gotten to know well out of the 8 billion people who exist?

Of course not everyone wants to have children. Of course not everyone wants to have an intimate partner. Of course there are people who choose to be single.

I have a family member who has been single my entire life and never wanted children. She has her career, house and land, her animals, friends and family. She seems happy and contented. She has always been attractive to the opposite sex but she’s not interested or doesn’t seem to be interested in having a relationship with any. She’s not interested in a same sex relationship either. I don’t know if she is asexual because it’s none of my business.

How can you possibly have got through life (old enough to post on mn) not knowing any single older people? It is not a small number of people if you look at the statistics.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4893992-i-just-dont-think-life-is-worth-living-when-youre-single?page=9&reply=129629119

I was never looking for one. I could have been married twice by now - turned them both down. Its not that I made a decision to 'never marry' - I just never met anyone I liked enough to spend my entire life with. I'm a sociable introvert with a full-on academic career, good friends, relative financial security, two spoiled cats, and having a pretty good time right now. I'm 36 and feel young and well.

Accepted I’ll only have one kid. Accepted I’ll probably die alone. Accepted it’s a bit shit and a bit unfair.

I spent a decade + caring for a ND child and now I’d like to do some of the things I haven’t been able to do.

but this is my lot so be it.

Sure it is natural for many people, but it doesn’t mean it isn’t possible to have a perfectly happy life without a family.

If you don’t know any single people then the solution to that is to broaden your social circle.

Overall the solution is to build your life up. If you want a partner then you should look for one, but you are going to be much more appealing to a partner if you have a rich life of your own - and having a rich life is going to make you much happier regardless of your situation. If you aren’t sure how to do that then I would start a new thread to ask.

It's easier when you are older. I'm 61, and if you have a career your own home etc. I have a 40 year old DS.
When I was young I longed for love but now I don't want it. I dont want a partner because I like to do my own thing. I'm not poor and have good friends.
I know others who are poor and don't have friends who are sad and lonely and feel they have nothing to live for.
It all depends on your circumstances and state of mind really.
You are not as welcome socially as a singleton so you have to choose your friends carefully.

A good friend is 37, been single for 13 years, she’s very upset by it and openly talks about how much she wishes she was “somebody’s person.” She has tried so hard with dating and has no luck. She very much wants the conventional family life as she didn’t have that herself growing up. It’s all tied up with the fear of not finding a partner in time to have children- so there’s grief there too.

My older single friends (late 40s/early 50s) seem happier, perhaps they have come to terms with not having children by that stage. They would like to be in a loving relationship but don’t feel desperate and have no pressure to settle for anything less. They keep very busy with friends and nieces/nephews.

Of course plenty of people are in unhappy relationships too, so the grass isn’t always greener.

The ones I know have plenty of love in their lives - some dating, but also the love of friends and family

The two I know are making the best of it but feel a lot of loss. One was a friend I had to let go because she was becoming increasingly jealous and resentful. I think as university peers she just kept comparing herself to my situation. But at the time when she was out at gigs and I was changing nappies, I was more than envious!

I think it probably hits you when time has run out and that’s a very hard thing to process. The finality of not having kids because you couldn’t commit to the idea not because of infertility etc. I hope you’re ok OP.

Never say never, I have a family friend who was single all her life and finally found love and got married in her 70s.

One of my friends (who ended up marrying in her 50s, but that's beside the point) said that once you get to 40 relationships become irrelevant. Some people are single, some are married, some are divorced. It's only in young life people define you by these labels. Once people have lived a bit longer it all becomes irrelevant.

This..!!!! Trade off.. yes! I'm in my mid 40's and have children, sadly two marriages behind me that didn't last. One has gambling addictions and the other was having an affair even at time of wedding.. to give context!

I have 4 children and most recently a baby to an unavailable man. I look at recent mistakes I've made and the life long responsibility that comes with it. The children are my world but I recognise that they will leave one day, possibly? And I will be on my own. I recognise that I also don't do well on my own and this is from childhood abandonment issues. They have driven wrong decisions, as mentioned but the trade off is beautiful babies who keep me going.

So I guess you create your own happiness and peace, contentment? It might not always be the way you like it but if afforded the luxury of living a comfortable life in later years then that's something that could be contended eith? It really comes down to the life you want...

There will always be a downside, but you get to create the upside.

There is a stigma I find around single people and why they are this way, especially as the years go by. Often it's the response from other people that make us think something is wrong?

I know people in their late 50's early 60's who are stuck in relationships/marriages for reasons other than being together to be with each other. Personally that would drive me to run from it but many folks are stronger than me. Also if you've got your health and facilities intact there is nothing stopping you going out and attempting to create what you want

“Those people” got on and lived their lives their own way, building strong friendships and finding their own communities, having their own adventures and not sitting around moping for a man. Some of “those people” found that a partner turned up when they stopped looking and caring, and some didn’t. It was not a big deal either way.

People without partners are not a homogenous group. Everyone is different and has different needs. Some are happy and some are miserable.

I’m long term single and expect I always will be. I hate it when people in relationships casually say ‘oh, all the happiest people I know are single.’ Obviously it’s not true or the majority of people wouldn’t marry and have kids, being long term single and childless is not what many people choose. I am unhappy with my life but I don’t tell anyone, I don’t want to be a burden to my friends and family. Maybe they do think I’m happy and love the single life, I don’t know, but I don’t.

I feel the opposite.
It was easier when younger, yes - everyone else was in ’relationships’ but it really wasn't that serious and they still values their friends and partners (kids, eventually) wasn’t their personality.

Now that we’re older, everyone is in their relationship/family foxholes.
And there is a real sense of hierarchy, how they are so much better/important people now.
Like status symbols. It was nothing like this when we were young.

My mum is a widow. I do feel for her her, she was widowed in her 40s and was very loved by my father. She is lucky to have children and grandchildren, she has hobbies and still works. But I do wish she had met someone to share her life with as we all get older.

I have many friends, none have kids and many are single. They have more time for their parents, friendship, hobbies, self development, eating out, relax, sleep, excercise, mindfulness, holidays and are more interesting to talk to than mums I am trying to make friends with for the sake of my child playdates (I do appreciate them but hard to make friendship like that). There is no such a thing as conventional way.

We are hard wired to couple up and procreate

So is this societal pressure or just human nature? Obviously nature needs us to procreate, and many people did this before society told us we should.

Animals procreate, many like company and live in packs - that’s not societal pressure either.

The same as those that found someone...