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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What happened to those people who never found a partner?

264 replies

OnedayTwodays · 02/10/2023 18:48

What’s their lives like?

How are they?

OP posts:
ThinWomansBrain · 02/10/2023 23:37

having a bloody good laugh at all the posts of women moaning about men-children who expect to go to the pub/spend every weekend at football while the poster does all the housework, childcare, admin and puts up with them shoring?

Hocuspocusnonsense · 02/10/2023 23:52

Depends on the people.

Depends on whether they wanted to find a partner or not? Have children or not?

The happiest and most content women I’ve come across are those who are older and single having had a marriage and children and thanks to divorce consider themselves to be ‘free’ again.

MeinKraft · 03/10/2023 00:06

My husbands uncle is retired, never been married or had kids and is a really lovely man. We live near him and spend a lot of time with him, he's very involved with our children and if he needs care when he's older we will be there to do that for him.

You definitely don't need to be married and have kids to have love and support in your life - sometimes the people who are there for you and make your life amazing are the people you never expected.

spookehtooth · 03/10/2023 00:07

This bit of research may be interesting for this. Make of it what you will about men and women. Mercifully, I don't think I'm heading in the direction of the average bloke, unless something goes drastically wrong. A few years from 50, single, and probably best period of my life yet

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/may/25/women-happier-without-children-or-a-spouse-happiness-expert

This extract is the TL:DR version

“We do have some good longitudinal data following the same people over time, but I am going to do a massive disservice to that science and just say: if you’re a man, you should probably get married; if you’re a woman, don’t bother.”

Men benefited from marriage because they “calmed down”, he said. “You take less risks, you earn more money at work, and you live a little longer. She, on the other hand, has to put up with that, and dies sooner than if she never married. The healthiest and happiest population subgroup are women who never married or had children,” he said.

Women are happier without children or a spouse, says happiness expert

Behavioural scientist Paul Dolan says traditional markers of success no longer apply

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/may/25/women-happier-without-children-or-a-spouse-happiness-expert

theduchessofspork · 03/10/2023 00:19

It’s because sometimes when single/childree people come
here for advise, they are met with ”THIS MUMSNET, don’t you see the word mum? Of course were going to be partnered up and have kids”!!!

OP you very rarely see anyone say this on MN, and if anyone does, everyone else jumps on them. There are loads of people without kids on here.

And if all your friends are partnered up, and you spend time on MN, then surely you know partnered up people don’t have it all.

This might sound sharp, but moping around feeling sorry for yourself and imagining your life world be a heaven of tinkling bells had you married and had kids isn’t going to help you any, so cut it out.

Can you afford some counselling? If you can they go and have ten sessions, work through your grief at not finding a partner in time to have kids (I’m assuming you are too old for kids now?), and then focus on building up your life.

We all get dealt different hands, but there is nothing about not having kids that should make you intrinsically miserable - you can legitimately be sad you didn’t, but it’s not a reason to make like Miss Haversham. It sounds like you needed to broaden out your social circle, and figure out how to shape a life you like. There’s no reason you shouldn’t find a partner if you want one, but you need to stop being Miss Tragic - it’s not appealing.

TheLastScone · 03/10/2023 00:35

Some people were never looking.
Some found a partner and wish they never had.
Some ended up in divorce. Some lost their partner to an illness.

I know a few women (I am presuming you refer to women here) who never got married or signed a contract to share a house. They are fine. In fact they are living life just like married people with the same kind of concerns and hopes and fears.
They tend to have a pet, and one lady i know, who is now over 80, has decided to not get another cat as she is afraid she might not outlive it.

On the whole, I see no difference in happiness levels between either.

myself, I never married or had children but had a partner for 30 years. We ended amicably. No mortgage or financial issues. We are now friends. I decided to live this way when I was in my early teens and have only a couple of regrets - I wish that I had left the UK and travelled rather than settling down.

I might marry in the future, who knows. Life is exciting like that!

And like a PP says, your use of 'they' suggests, to me, that you have concerns of your own that impelled you to ask this question. A deep one, eh?

OnedayTwodays · 03/10/2023 02:16

And if all your friends are partnered up, and you spend time on MN, then surely you know partnered up people don’t have it all.

I don’t know if people around me are luckier than average, or because I don’t live in UK, but everyone is pretty happy.
No one’s relationship is anything what I could read about on MN.
Everyone got together years/decades ago, had their kids, and are pretty content.

Not really sure why, I’m assuming most here are/have been in LTR/kids, are fighting tooth and nail that it’s the worst.
It’s pretty damn natural to desire these things.

OP posts:
McIntire · 03/10/2023 02:47

OP, I’ve only skim read the thread and finding it difficult to follow, but are you ok?

Mojodojocasahaus · 03/10/2023 02:55

You don’t know for sure that the people you know in a relationship are “pretty content”

You don’t need a man to complete your life op.

Dizzybelle · 03/10/2023 03:08

OnedayTwodays · 02/10/2023 18:56

I’m the one who didn’t find love not had a family.

So many people are in long term relationships that are actually really shit, where there is no love at all, but for a million and one reasons they can not leave. And so they stay, entire lives wasted. But so many people see this as preferable than being alone.

Also, having a “family” is absolutely not for everyone. You can have - and so many people do have, amazing, happy and fulfilling lives without children/family.

Dita73 · 03/10/2023 03:14

I know one. Nearly 60. Never thought anyone was good enough. Now unbelievably bitter

Dizzybelle · 03/10/2023 03:14

OnedayTwodays · 03/10/2023 02:16

And if all your friends are partnered up, and you spend time on MN, then surely you know partnered up people don’t have it all.

I don’t know if people around me are luckier than average, or because I don’t live in UK, but everyone is pretty happy.
No one’s relationship is anything what I could read about on MN.
Everyone got together years/decades ago, had their kids, and are pretty content.

Not really sure why, I’m assuming most here are/have been in LTR/kids, are fighting tooth and nail that it’s the worst.
It’s pretty damn natural to desire these things.

I don’t necessarily think that it’s pretty darn natural to desire these things, at least not by everyone.

There is so much social and mental conditioning, from a young age - especially in regards to women, that when you grow up you will meet the “one” and have children. And that’s held up to be some kind of ideal, the ultimate achievement. But is it really? It’s not for everyone, and there are so many ways to have an amazing life, without all of the conditioning.

OfficerChurlish · 03/10/2023 03:15

Not sure about the men, but any single ladies NOT already thinking "bullet dodged!" and "thank fuck!" can just take a quick gander at AIBU - or worse, Relationships - to activate their inner Artemis.

That's not to say some people don't have great and happy long-term, life-partner relationships, but being coupled up for life is hardly a guarantee of it -- and vice versa: Do you know if it was difficult to accept not having love in their lives? is a super weird hot take!

OnedayTwodays · 03/10/2023 03:25

I gotta say that reading this thread is like stepping into an alternative universe.
I’m guessing for whatever reasons this threaf attracted unusual views.

But I don’t know anyone, I’ve never had or listen to conversations where anyone hold these opinions.

Like everyone I know has or still wants partners. Everyone has had multiple loves/partners.
Everyone wants/has kids, and live their kids.
Two couples couldn’t have kids.

Everywhere I look/read/listen to, literally everything is covered in finding or having love.
This thread doesn’t make much sense.
If your comments were majority, why is
pretty much everyone looking for partners and having kids.
Why do spend insane amount of money/time/effort to celebrate people who have these things? Why is every damn movie/tv series/song about love/family?
Why don’t I know anyone who is lifelong single/childfree?
Why are/were you with you partner/had kids, would you dump them right now?

OP posts:
NumberTheory · 03/10/2023 03:43

I know quite a few women who aren’t partnered up and don’t have children. Most seem to be doing great, traveling, involved in hobbies or other pastimes, throwing themselves into careers. Shake their heads sadly (but jokingly!)when I say I can’t do something because of family.

But not all. A few are struggling and haven’t come to terms with being happy in themselves.

One friend got pregnant through a donor when she realised she was nearly 40 and wouldn’t find a partner to have kids with. She is really struggling financially bringing up a child on her own. Still wants to meet the right guy, however, is finding men seem to get worse as she gets older. But, ultimately, wouldn’t do anything differently.

A couple seem great but when we meet up they say they aren’t happy and are very focused on the lack of a partner. Both do a lot of OLD sporadically, get annoyed at how bad they find it and give up for a while but always go back to it.

One was always desperately unhappy about the lack of partner, seemed to throw herself at dodgy blokes who never stayed around, was financially unstable and, I think, a drug addict or alcoholic. Sounds a bit soap opera but I think it was more coping strategies with one thing leading to another. But she was very much the exception. I have a few friends who were a bit that way in their early 20s but matured and found their feet. She never seemed to. I haven’t heard from her for a few years.

I don’t think any of the less than fantastic lives are that way because there’s something inherently unfortunate being single, though. My married/divorced friends are equally varied with plenty doing great and others struggling.

Dizzybelle · 03/10/2023 03:46

OnedayTwodays · 03/10/2023 03:25

I gotta say that reading this thread is like stepping into an alternative universe.
I’m guessing for whatever reasons this threaf attracted unusual views.

But I don’t know anyone, I’ve never had or listen to conversations where anyone hold these opinions.

Like everyone I know has or still wants partners. Everyone has had multiple loves/partners.
Everyone wants/has kids, and live their kids.
Two couples couldn’t have kids.

Everywhere I look/read/listen to, literally everything is covered in finding or having love.
This thread doesn’t make much sense.
If your comments were majority, why is
pretty much everyone looking for partners and having kids.
Why do spend insane amount of money/time/effort to celebrate people who have these things? Why is every damn movie/tv series/song about love/family?
Why don’t I know anyone who is lifelong single/childfree?
Why are/were you with you partner/had kids, would you dump them right now?

Because, for many, it’s still conditioning, from the very moment you are born. These are the expected achievements that you have to work towards to have the “perfect” life. This is further compounded by religious and cultural norms, that 9 times 10 still expect women to be a wife and mother, that that is their purpose, that it should be their ultimate goal. But for many this is actually oppression.

But, again, you can be very happy and content without these things and we need to stop this kind of conditioning from a young age.

jenpil · 03/10/2023 03:57

Dotcheck · 02/10/2023 18:53

Jesus. Patronising

I don't find him so....😂

jenpil · 03/10/2023 04:02

Society makes you think you need to find love, get married, have kids....

..but that is the cause of much heartache, struggle and pain.

And it's not for everyone.

If you like your own company, and don't have the urge to procreate, then life can be beautiful.

It doesn't come without its own problems of course, but generally these are short-lived and easily solved, unlike the others who did the love/marriage/children thing.

Nat6999 · 03/10/2023 04:08

I've been single for over 8 years, I never want to have a relationship again. My marriage was a massive mistake, I should never have married him, I knew I didn't love him. My relationship with late dp was good at first until he started to drink & over time, I lost him bit by bit.

Moro93 · 03/10/2023 04:20

There isn’t really a separation, some will be happy and others won’t. The exact same as those who are coupled up.
Being single doesn’t automatically mean your miserable, just like being in a relationship doesn’t always equal happiness.

I always thought I’d stay single and never have kids. I love being on my own, I’m a very solitary person and need a lot of alone time or I get overwhelmed. But I’m married with 2 kids. I met my partner and it just all happened naturally. He’s the only person I can be ‘alone’ with and the only person who doesn’t drain me socially.
I think if we ever split up or if anything (god forbid) happened to him, I would happily stay single for the rest of my life. We are genuinely happy but I don’t think I could ever feel that way with someone else.

Sometimes I do still need alone time (and he’s respectful of that) and sometimes I fantasise about being single, getting to travel places by myself, having all this time to read loads of books and enjoy my hobbies, live alone with just my dog 😂. I’m pretty sure there are plenty of people who have lives like this and are very happy.

Moro93 · 03/10/2023 04:23

The viewpoint that everyone who is alone is unhappy isn’t true, but neither is the stereotype that all married couples are miserable/end up miserable. There is plenty of posts on Mumsnet about relationship problems, but the ones who are happy aren’t going to randomly post about it, nobody would be interested if there’s no drama 😂

WandaWonder · 03/10/2023 04:58

"Those people"? if you mean in general there single and partnered people happy and not happy

The world is big place not everyone thinks the same

BettyPhuckzer · 03/10/2023 05:16

OnedayTwodays · 03/10/2023 03:25

I gotta say that reading this thread is like stepping into an alternative universe.
I’m guessing for whatever reasons this threaf attracted unusual views.

But I don’t know anyone, I’ve never had or listen to conversations where anyone hold these opinions.

Like everyone I know has or still wants partners. Everyone has had multiple loves/partners.
Everyone wants/has kids, and live their kids.
Two couples couldn’t have kids.

Everywhere I look/read/listen to, literally everything is covered in finding or having love.
This thread doesn’t make much sense.
If your comments were majority, why is
pretty much everyone looking for partners and having kids.
Why do spend insane amount of money/time/effort to celebrate people who have these things? Why is every damn movie/tv series/song about love/family?
Why don’t I know anyone who is lifelong single/childfree?
Why are/were you with you partner/had kids, would you dump them right now?

You're right. The world is generally made up of people who are in love, looking for love, wanting to be in a couple, living as a couple with or without children

We are hard wired to couple up and procreate

When I was younger, I went along with this thinking and 'had' to have boyfriends, get married, have children ....it was what we all did , not to do it was weird

Now? Now I'm single. My wonderful daughter lives 3 hours away, I work full time, have some lovely friends, and I HAVE NO INTENTION of coupling up again. I am truly happy.

Being in a romantic relationship is not for me. It doesn't make me happy. Not at all

But I got sucked into the 'must be in a couple' paradigm for many years.

I wish I could have found my inner confidence and self understanding 20 years ago. But I couldn't, so I'm simply grateful that I am finally living my best life 💛

Jamessmith0901 · 03/10/2023 05:17

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

whattttttodo · 03/10/2023 05:28

It's no different to being with a partner. Some people are happy, some are miserable and everything in between .

Some people are in horrific frightening situations with their partners. And some have a soulmate.

Some single people love and appreciate their partner free life and life the life they want. Others desperately want to meet someone to fit into societal expectations.

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