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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband family coming over for dinner but he forgets(?) to tell me in advance!

327 replies

Daisiesonthelawn · 02/10/2023 10:22

My husband keeps doing this thing where he will tell me the day before that he spoke to his mum and a couple of days ago and they’re coming around for dinner tomorrow and expecting to eat with the children. Expectation is that I will cook for them all. My youngest is a baby a few months old as and I like to plan ahead so finding out I need to change dinner plans the night before to accommodate is really annoying! He also just let me know (not directly told me but I worked it out) this morning that our niece is coming too who’s a really picky eater. He doesn’t see the problem and it wouldn’t be if he was the one cooking and planning. He’s not even going to be back from work til after they’ve eaten!
he doesn’t mean to not tell me- he’s just very forgetful and has ADHD. But it’s so infuriating. I will need to get home earlier than planned this afternoon to make dinner, get extra groceries etc. I genuinely do love seeing them. But everyone expecting dinner etc at short notice is more tricky when I have a little baby to look after. I just want some forewarning and maybe be included in planning?!

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 02/10/2023 10:24

They’d be getting a takeaway if that were me. I’d “forget” to cook for them.

Flickersy · 02/10/2023 10:25

Tell him he'll have to host them and do the cooking. And follow through.

Make plans and go out.

Gerrataere · 02/10/2023 10:25

Sorry, he invited them, he didn’t tell you and you have to go to huge effort to accommodate, cook and host? But it’s not his fault or problem at all….

He shops, he comes home early, he can cook. Why is this a ‘you’ problem?

Whataretheodds · 02/10/2023 10:26

Ask him how he'd going to solve the problem he's created (and maybe go out for the evening yourself)

MaggieFS · 02/10/2023 10:26

If you're being sympathetic, can you bring a coping mechanism into your routine e.g. every few days ask him if any guests are expected?

Antst · 02/10/2023 10:28

ADHD makes certain things more CHALLENGING. It is not a golden get-out-of-responsibility or congratulations-now-you-get-to-behave-like-a-total-d1ck card.

You have clearly told him that this is a problem. He has not forgotten. He chose to go ahead and do it anyway. You need to put your foot down. Tell him that you're not going to have enough time to prepare anything, so he needs to figure out what to do. He can arrange catering to be dropped off. He can tell them not to come. He can tell them it's a potluck and to bring their own food.

All you need to do is be clear (very calmly) that you will be making X for yourself and whatever children of yours are old enough to eat solid food.

You're making a rod for your own back if you keep putting up with this.

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 02/10/2023 10:29

Tell him he'll have to host them and do the cooking. And follow through.

^ This. Have you told him how much this annoys you? God I'm getting fed up of these posts on MN. So many men who have ADHD and are very forgetful yet seem to be perfectly capable of holding down jobs without being sacked for their incompetence.

PerkingFaintly · 02/10/2023 10:31

Yes, he needs to experience the consequences himself. He isn't going to grasp it by words blowing over him (and will just start to tune you out).

Been there. Done that.

Iwasafool · 02/10/2023 10:34

I will never forget the New Year's Eve when I was at work, kids with my mother and my SIL phoned about the party we were having. I didn't know we were having a party. I left work early and rushed round the shops but I didn't really have enough partly due to rushing and partly as I hadn't got much money, obviously we'd just had Christmas and my "D"H and one of the children had a birthday a couple of days before Christmas.

Husband was at work and I couldn't even get hold of him.

It was a disaster and I was mortified.

I feel your pain and don't let anyone tell you that you'll laugh about it one day, 40 years later and I'm still not laughing.

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 02/10/2023 10:34

And as for I will need to get home earlier than planned this afternoon to make dinner, get extra groceries etc.

No you don't have to do anything. Just tell him it's too short notice and he'll have to cancel it.

BeverlyBrook · 02/10/2023 10:37

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 02/10/2023 10:34

And as for I will need to get home earlier than planned this afternoon to make dinner, get extra groceries etc.

No you don't have to do anything. Just tell him it's too short notice and he'll have to cancel it.

Agree with this.
Do not host.

whatnot929 · 02/10/2023 10:38

You're focusing on the wrong thing. He shouldn't be telling you at all that he has invited his family for you to cook for, he should be ASKING you if you would like to, if it suits you etc.

towriteyoumustlive · 02/10/2023 10:40

You tell him sorry, this isn't convenient as he's not even going to be back from work, and far too short notice, so he needs to phone them and cancel.

If he refuses, I'd make it clear that no meal will be cooked, and you are likely to be out tomorrow evening as you're going for tea at a friend's house! (then find a friend to go round and see!)

PixiePirate · 02/10/2023 10:41

It seems like over the last couple of years ADHD has started to be used by some people as a get out of jail free card on Mumsnet. It must be really frustrating (and insulting) to people with ADHD who actively manage their behaviour to behave appropriately and considerately.

In this case OP I think your husband needs to solve the problem himself. He needs to be home to welcome and cater for his guests. Let his family experience the consequences. This is not your problem to solve.

Lottie4 · 02/10/2023 10:41

Tell him it's a takeaway tonight. If not, whatever you've already planned and have in. At this stage, picky eater will have to have what's on offer - if not, she can have a snack on returning home.

Lottie4 · 02/10/2023 10:43

Oh, and I wouldn't be returning home early if I already had plans. Phone family yourself now and tell them DH only let you know whenever and as you're already out, ask them to come later - at a time that suits you!

2chocolateoranges · 02/10/2023 10:43

I’d be telling him he either cooks or it’s a take away.

repeat his each time he fails to ask you about inviting his family over with decent notice.

or you could say sorry I’m meeting my friend for dinner , enjoy your evening with your family.

Antst · 02/10/2023 10:44

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beAsensible1 · 02/10/2023 10:44

stop doing it, he either tells you or if he doesn’t he does the cooking?

he can set up a rule that texts straight away so he doesn’t forget.

ADHD means he needs to set up tools to help him manage. He’s not a child stop letting him be consistently inconsiderate

Anneta · 02/10/2023 10:50

I would contact his mum, say that your husband forgot to inform you and request that they pick up a take a way on their way over to you. They can eat with the grandchildren without you having to stress over the cooking. Either that or order in some pizzas!

AFieldGuideToTrees · 02/10/2023 10:50

Stop facilitating this.

Like someone else said, presumably at work he manages.

Don't get home early. Either order a takeaway when they turn up, or tell your husband you won't be in.

beAsensible1 · 02/10/2023 10:51

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its so boring at this point. They’re adults who are managing to exist and remember their own day to day lives and jobs. But when it comes to their partners basic courtesy disappears 🙄.

time for everyone to get a back bone and stop allowing themselves to be treated like garbage.

AFieldGuideToTrees · 02/10/2023 10:52

Sadly unless women get a grip and stop facilitating men who do this, we'll continue to read these posts for ever.

Firebug007 · 02/10/2023 10:58

You don't have to do anything but you're choosing to martyr yourself so DH will keep doing this. ADHD is no excuse for being an inconsiderate arse. I'd order takeaway and do no other prep, I'd use DHs card to order as well, problem over 🤷‍♀️

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 02/10/2023 10:59

Tbh at this point, if it's a recurring thing and he's not getting better - I'd be tempted to open the door to them and say 'hello! What a surprise! I had no idea you were coming! DH is at work though, if you wanted to see him?'

Then order takeaway to be delivered, if they stay for food, and agree with MIL etc that if DH issues invitations again, that they will text you and tell you, because he won't. They must know what he's like?