Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband family coming over for dinner but he forgets(?) to tell me in advance!

327 replies

Daisiesonthelawn · 02/10/2023 10:22

My husband keeps doing this thing where he will tell me the day before that he spoke to his mum and a couple of days ago and they’re coming around for dinner tomorrow and expecting to eat with the children. Expectation is that I will cook for them all. My youngest is a baby a few months old as and I like to plan ahead so finding out I need to change dinner plans the night before to accommodate is really annoying! He also just let me know (not directly told me but I worked it out) this morning that our niece is coming too who’s a really picky eater. He doesn’t see the problem and it wouldn’t be if he was the one cooking and planning. He’s not even going to be back from work til after they’ve eaten!
he doesn’t mean to not tell me- he’s just very forgetful and has ADHD. But it’s so infuriating. I will need to get home earlier than planned this afternoon to make dinner, get extra groceries etc. I genuinely do love seeing them. But everyone expecting dinner etc at short notice is more tricky when I have a little baby to look after. I just want some forewarning and maybe be included in planning?!

OP posts:
Antst · 02/10/2023 11:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

EvilElsa · 02/10/2023 11:02

"Lovely, what are you planning to make?"
Every single time.

arethereanyleftatall · 02/10/2023 11:03

Your op is all wrong op.

No it's not annoying/frustrating/whatever other words you chose.

What it is , is NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

This is entirely on your husband to sort, and the fact that you haven't gone ti that incredibly obvious solution, says a lot about the dynamic between the two of you. Amd it isn't good.

AFieldGuideToTrees · 02/10/2023 11:04

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 02/10/2023 10:59

Tbh at this point, if it's a recurring thing and he's not getting better - I'd be tempted to open the door to them and say 'hello! What a surprise! I had no idea you were coming! DH is at work though, if you wanted to see him?'

Then order takeaway to be delivered, if they stay for food, and agree with MIL etc that if DH issues invitations again, that they will text you and tell you, because he won't. They must know what he's like?

Still facilitating someone who can't be bothered to do it himself!

He needs to be the one telling his wife he's made arrangements on her behalf.

Ponoka7 · 02/10/2023 11:04

You need to be communicating directly with his Mum. I'd facilitate this time, but tell her face to face why it can't be done through him.

ScribblingPixie · 02/10/2023 11:05

I'd just ask MIL to text you when she makes arrangements with your DH to visit, so you always have all the details.

AFieldGuideToTrees · 02/10/2023 11:06

Ponoka7 · 02/10/2023 11:04

You need to be communicating directly with his Mum. I'd facilitate this time, but tell her face to face why it can't be done through him.

Why does he get a responsibilty get out card every time?

Codlingmoths · 02/10/2023 11:06

Consequences time I think. Call him and say you’d forgotten you are out at a friends with the dc, then take the dc to a friends house and come home after dinner. Once or twice should do it.

LaurieFairyCake · 02/10/2023 11:08

I'd email them copying in your twat DH and say he didn't say they were coming and you have already bought food for the week and won't be going out again to the shops so bring their own food or order a takeaway when they get here

And say 'contact me if you want to come next time as twat DH is useless, won't be here and doesn't currently cook or do the shopping'

I have no time for useless husbands that aren't called out on their bollocks

AutumnFroglets · 02/10/2023 11:08

Go out. Go visit your family or friends with the baby. Not your fault DH isn't there to open the door or offer them dinner.

I'm going to assume finances are separate so if you order takeaway it would be you paying from smp rather than his wages? I bet you also still pay 50/50...

PixiePirate · 02/10/2023 11:08

Why are all these work-arounds being suggested? OP is not his mum and he’s not a child.

What does he bring to your family life OP? Is he managing to pull his weight in terms of mental load, housework, paid employment and hobbies? If so, surely he can deploy the skills he uses to keep afloat in those areas to managing his invitations to his family? If not, what exactly is he bringing to the party?

TheBirdintheCave · 02/10/2023 11:11

My husband has ADHD and his dad and step mum know to contact me directly if any important info needs imparting 😅

He wouldn't just arrange a visit without telling me though.

AFieldGuideToTrees · 02/10/2023 11:12

Why are all these work-arounds being suggested? OP is not his mum and he’s not a child.

I know, it's crazy!

All these men enabled by women who seem happy to enable their partner's lack of responsibility.

Whataretheodds · 02/10/2023 11:12

He’s not even going to be back from work til after they’ve eaten!
he doesn’t mean to not tell me- he’s just very forgetful and has ADHD

Arrgh this is a shit excuse. I have ADHD and would never expect to be able to spring that news on someone and have them pick up the pieces. I'd be either retrying to rearrange the visit or get home from work earlier to cook or arrange a takeaway.

AlwaysFreezing · 02/10/2023 11:18

Could a group WhatsApp help for these things? I'd be annoyed that he was making plans for you and his family that don't actually include him. I mean, wtf.

Yeah, she'll cook for you all, no bother. Except its not no bother, is it?

AutumnAuntie · 02/10/2023 11:20

Lovely, let’s get an Indian takeaway, your treat.

Sounds good, what are you cooking us all?

etc, etc.

Shortpoet · 02/10/2023 11:25

I’d phone them and say you’ve only just found out they’re coming, you don’t have time to buy extra food, and DH won’t be back until late. Would they prefer to pick up a takeaway for you all, or reschedule for a night when DH will be there?

Whatever you do, don’t leave work early to fix it.

Auntiedear · 02/10/2023 11:36

I think your DH has two options: cancel the invite or step up and do all the arranging and planning himself.

The only way he will stop doing this is if he has to deal with the consequences for failing to communicate with you.

I have ADHD and yes, remembering information and arrangements is a challenge but it certainly isn't impossible. He needs to take responsibility for this particular invite and agree a way forward with you so it doesn't happen again.

Whatever happens though do not facilitate the visit. If you DH never experiences any consequences he will never be motivated to change.

coconutpie · 02/10/2023 11:38

This is not your problem. Tell husband that you won't be hosting at such short notice and to cancel the arrangements. The fucking cheek of him to land you in it with hosting dinner on a Monday and he won't even be in attendance!

Or just ring up MIL yourself and tell her that you've only just found out that her son invited them all over. Say sorry but he never checked with me, it's not convenient as I already have plans (doesn't matter if those plans involve you sitting on the sofa) and he's not actually even going to be here this evening so you'll have to cancel.

You must follow through with this. Otherwise he will keep on doing it. I wouldn't even offer takeaway. Presumably you don't want a load of in laws and picky eaters descending on you with no notice, takeaway or not.

Passepartoute · 02/10/2023 11:38

Does he "forget" to tell people about important things at work? I'm guessing he doesn't, otherwise he wouldn't keep his job. Ask him how he achieves that and why it can't translate into his home life. ADHD isn't an excuse here, he's old enough to do whatever it takes to avoid this sort of problem.

As for tonight, he's paying for a takeaway, isn't he?

coconutpie · 02/10/2023 11:39

Auntiedear · 02/10/2023 11:36

I think your DH has two options: cancel the invite or step up and do all the arranging and planning himself.

The only way he will stop doing this is if he has to deal with the consequences for failing to communicate with you.

I have ADHD and yes, remembering information and arrangements is a challenge but it certainly isn't impossible. He needs to take responsibility for this particular invite and agree a way forward with you so it doesn't happen again.

Whatever happens though do not facilitate the visit. If you DH never experiences any consequences he will never be motivated to change.

This poster put it better than I did!

GingerIsBest · 02/10/2023 11:40

Dh wanted to take an extra shift next Saturday - partly because it's a fun extra activity at his workplace and partly because they're a bit desperate for help and he's a helpful person.

It was very obvious that he was looking to me to solve this problem for him and do the crazy organising that comes with two children with wildly different Saturday activities. I told him that if he wants to do this favour for his boss, HE has to sort out the arrangements for DS. I am still mildly annoyed that I had to tell him that rather than him just doing it, but I certainly was NOT going to sort it out for him.

You need to be doing the same. "DH, I love having your family over. But I cannot magic up dinner for more than twice the number of people, including a fussy eater, with no notice while I'm also working etc. So what is YOUR plan to sort this out?"

ToadOnTheHill · 02/10/2023 11:41

Yabu to facilitate this shit.

People can have ADHD and still be arseholes. He doesn't arrange meetings at work and forget to book rooms or turn up.

M4J4 · 02/10/2023 11:41

You would be a mug to accommodate this. He thinks he can use your time to feed and entertain his family, when he’s not even going to be there. He’s a cunt.

Tell him you’re out so he needs to either cancel or be home and cook for them.

Why do you let him treat you as your skivvy?

I have ADHD and don’t treat DH this way.

GingerIsBest · 02/10/2023 11:41

I have ADHD and yes, remembering information and arrangements is a challenge but it certainly isn't impossible. He needs to take responsibility for this particular invite and agree a way forward with you so it doesn't happen again. \

This is a really important point. ADHD doesn't mean everyone else picks up the pieces. It means that he needs tools and strategies to prevent things falling apart in the first place. I am not raising inattentive ADHD DS to think that if he can't remember things it's not his fault and someone else will deal with it. I"m raising him to learn how to manage so that he doesn't screw up and lose out on opportunities, friendships etc as a result.