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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband family coming over for dinner but he forgets(?) to tell me in advance!

327 replies

Daisiesonthelawn · 02/10/2023 10:22

My husband keeps doing this thing where he will tell me the day before that he spoke to his mum and a couple of days ago and they’re coming around for dinner tomorrow and expecting to eat with the children. Expectation is that I will cook for them all. My youngest is a baby a few months old as and I like to plan ahead so finding out I need to change dinner plans the night before to accommodate is really annoying! He also just let me know (not directly told me but I worked it out) this morning that our niece is coming too who’s a really picky eater. He doesn’t see the problem and it wouldn’t be if he was the one cooking and planning. He’s not even going to be back from work til after they’ve eaten!
he doesn’t mean to not tell me- he’s just very forgetful and has ADHD. But it’s so infuriating. I will need to get home earlier than planned this afternoon to make dinner, get extra groceries etc. I genuinely do love seeing them. But everyone expecting dinner etc at short notice is more tricky when I have a little baby to look after. I just want some forewarning and maybe be included in planning?!

OP posts:
M4J4 · 02/10/2023 12:43

For whatever reason that I probably need to work on, I don’t feel comfortable doing that. I think because it actually will ultimately end up being more inconvenient.

More inconvenient for who?

OP, the more you give in to this behaviour the worse it will get. These people are awful, instead of getting annoyed at DH, they’re annoyed at you.

Honestly you’ve already told MIL that it’s been sprung on you.

Now just be firmer and say you won’t be around and DH needs to sort.

GingerIsBest · 02/10/2023 12:43

We’re definitely still working on understanding in this area.

Sorry OP. But either your husband is really really dumb if he can't see the problem. Or, more likely, he doesn't want to "understand" because then he'll have to change his behaviour.

It's telling that your MIL is now annoyed with YOU for making it a problem....

sodthesodoff · 02/10/2023 12:44

He will keep doing this. Because he knows you'll pick up the slack

The only way to get him to stop is to stop enabling him

You've told your mil it's been sprung on you. So now she knows it's up to her son to sort it out

Don't get home early. Don't sort stuff out.

This isn't your problem.

In fact get home late. Get home just before they arrive and breeze in with a cheerful 'so what we having for tea then?'

Serendipitoushedgehog · 02/10/2023 12:48

He can shop and cook if it's his mistake. I bet if you make it harder for him to deal with the consequences of his forgetting, he won't forget so much.

Antst · 02/10/2023 12:49

Daisiesonthelawn · 02/10/2023 12:39

Thanks for your replies everyone.

Ive made very clear with my husband that this isn’t okay to do. (Multiple times). We’re definitely still working on understanding in this area.

I see where everyone is coming from with the idea of just stepping back and letting him do it all/going out with the baby. For whatever reason that I probably need to work on, I don’t feel comfortable doing that. I think because it actually will ultimately end up being more inconvenient. But I get that it would probably be a beneficial reaction to set a standard in the future.

I’ve let my MIL know that this was sprung on me and that it’s made my day quite tricky. But I know how it comes across to my in-laws - that I’m now being awkward. I can tell they’re now annoyed that I’ve made it into “a problem”. I hate this narrative that builds around this !!!!! It’s not the first time this has happened. And it ends up with me annoyed, my husband not getting it and being annoyed with me for being annoyed, me trying to express it gently to my in-laws and me not looking easy-going and hospitable.

Edited

I think your problem is that you are the one who is communicating with the in-laws. You should leave it to him. Let him be the one to deliver news they don't want to hear.

Frankly, if their response is to show irritation with you instead of feeling embarrassed about the position they've put you in and immediately telling you they'll come another time, then that's a great example that you're being too careful with your reactions.

Even if you can't say "no," you have simply got to get comfortable with telling him that he needs to figure these situations out. Let him know you can't provide dinner and will be leaving it to him to figure out.

Also, I don't believe for a second that your in-laws really expect you to be an easy-going parent of young children with a last-minute dinner party to organize. They must know what they're doing.

Barney60 · 02/10/2023 12:50

i would of replied, sorry ive made arrangements that night to go see friend or something else. So he can then telephone MIL you wont be in and re arrange with his diary as to when he will be there to help.

Triffid1 · 02/10/2023 12:51

I feel bad because my relationship with SIL has deteriorated recently. The reason? She kept hounding me about gifts, organisation, parties etc for their family, and it all came to a head around a big birthday for their mum.

It was last minute, plus whenever I mentioned whatever I'd suggested/agreed with SIL to DH he'd get annoyed as he disagreed or felt my comments were inappropriate or whatever. And then it was also a bit triggering for me as my mum didn't make it to this birthday but I can ASSURE you that a lot more thought, effort and planning would have gone into it if she had.

So I told SIl that she needs to engage with DH about these things and not me. But now, she's barely talking to me. I think she thinks I'm difficult and because DH Is useless (she knows that), at least when I was involved she had that support. I feel for her, but I really resent that I am somehow the bad guy here.

You're in a similar dynamic with your in laws and its shit.

BarbaraofSeville · 02/10/2023 12:52

Antst · 02/10/2023 12:42

Well, that's the problem. It's his routine to keep doing this! The OP said he "keeps doing this."

This is not a random thing that came up like forgetting to use the handbrake while in the middle of other chaos. He knows he does it. He could have a plan in place to deal with it. At this point, he continues to issue last-minute invitations because he has not had to deal with the chaos he creates. If he feels ashamed and embarrassed, the should. That's not a magic wand that should get him out of learning to manage his problem better.

Show quote history

Exactly. I almost certainly have ADHD and firstly, put supreme effort into not fucking up things that would have significant consequences if I fucked them up, so work, getting to appointments on time etc etc. Multiple reminders, lists etc.

What I don't do is expect other people to take responsibility if I forget things or make promises I have no intention of keeping. It's all down on me, and that's the difference here. He's invited family round and has no intention of hosting them properly, he just expects the OP to do it, on top of everything else.

Roughashouses · 02/10/2023 12:52

I agree, the reason he doesn't think it's a big deal is because it's always sorted. Let him worry about what to eat, when to pick it up and how to cook it a few times and he'll soon realise why a little bit of notice is a good thing. Re your in laws being annoyed, rather them than you!

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 02/10/2023 12:53

I have adhd as well. Yes, adhd can manifest in various ways and there are lot of different coping mechanisms etc. In other words: I’m aware that my experience with my ADHD are most likely not the same as OP’s DH’s.

with this disclaimer out of the way:

please do not accept this, OP!! We all have a responsibility to manage our struggles in a way that doesn’t put the burden on our loved ones. Sounds like he isn’t doing that.

I personally know (and many of my adhd friends agree) that social consequences and embarrassment can be the best motivator. That’s why I and so many other adhders manage to be incredibly efficient cleaners right before we have guests.

if you continue to compensate for his lack of planning you’ll essentially deprive him of the natural consequences…

so yes, if I were you I’d simply do nothing. Camly tell his family that you’re so pleased they’re here but unfortunately only found out yesterday, which is why you will be busy. And let DH sort it it.

(I would tell DH in advance that you’ll be doing this. So he has time to organise everything)

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 02/10/2023 12:53

Roughashouses · 02/10/2023 12:52

I agree, the reason he doesn't think it's a big deal is because it's always sorted. Let him worry about what to eat, when to pick it up and how to cook it a few times and he'll soon realise why a little bit of notice is a good thing. Re your in laws being annoyed, rather them than you!

yep, 100% agree

Booklover40 · 02/10/2023 12:54

Stop facilitating him. Job done.

Trainplan · 02/10/2023 12:55

Could you tell MIL what you've said here. You love having them but DH is rubbish at telling you so would she mind making arrangements directly with you?

FinallyHere · 02/10/2023 12:56

PerkingFaintly · 02/10/2023 10:31

Yes, he needs to experience the consequences himself. He isn't going to grasp it by words blowing over him (and will just start to tune you out).

Been there. Done that.

This.

Sorry.

Trainplan · 02/10/2023 12:58

I don't think MIL is necessarily annoyed at you, she's probably annoyed with DH and now feeling awkward knowing that it was sprung on you, despite being planned in advance.

spitefulandbadgrammar · 02/10/2023 12:59

and me not looking easy-going and hospitable
Aha! As Piglet said to Kanga. You can’t fix your DH – he has to want to change/find tools and strategies to compensate for his forgetfulness; you can’t change your in-laws; you can change YOU. You need to examine your need/want to look easygoing and hospitable – which is a thing LOTS of women are programmed to think they should be. The cool girl, the chill wife, the one who welcomes visitors any time into her tidy and clean home, who would feel judged, and judge herself, if her home wasn’t visitor-ready or she didn’t welcome in surprise guests with a home-cooked meal. Do you think men feel bad (or think about it for longer than 0.5 seconds) if they don’t look easygoing or hospitable?

Read Fair Play, Fed Up, Momfluenced, Wifework. Nothing wrong with being a difficult woman rather than an easygoing one, but also, you’re NOT being difficult or inhospitable by objecting to surprise visitors that cause you stress and additional mental/physical labour. Who cares if your in laws judge you? Let them stew on it, rather than going to the shops and making stew.

dejapoo · 02/10/2023 12:59

I’m not in the UK but do most men there have ADHD and no responsibility to their family whatsoever? How the hell were they brought up?

DsTTy · 02/10/2023 13:02

ADHDer here. If my husband did this to me I’d be texting the in-laws and cancelling the plans. Your in laws feelings aren’t more important than your own and your current behaviour isn’t helping your husband to change.

GingerIsBest · 02/10/2023 13:03

I personally know (and many of my adhd friends agree) that social consequences and embarrassment can be the best motivator. That’s why I and so many other adhders manage to be incredibly efficient cleaners right before we have guests.

DS is learning this. He left a friend hanging out in the town centre for 45 minutes the other day. His friend was clearly quite annoyed. DS is thinking about how to be better at these things. He's 12.

Iamclearlyamug · 02/10/2023 13:03

Can you arrange to go out and tell him you had told him but he must have "forgotten"?

So sorry but he'll have to deal with the cooking and hosting?

Guarantee he won't forget to tell you again. This isn't about his ADHD, it's about him expecting you to do all the work!

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 02/10/2023 13:04

I’ve let my MIL know that this was sprung on me and that it’s made my day quite tricky. But I know how it comes across to my in-laws - that I’m now being awkward. I can tell they’re now annoyed that I’ve made it into “a problem”. I hate this narrative that builds around this !!!!! It’s not the first time this has happened. And it ends up with me annoyed, my husband not getting it and being annoyed with me for being annoyed, me trying to express it gently to my in-laws and me not looking easy-going and hospitable.

You need to build some self-esteem and learn not to give a shit about the opinions of people who do not have your best interests at heart. If they think you're awkward, so what? You must know you are not the unreasonable one. You think you're being 'easy-going and hospitable' they think you're a doormat.

inloveandmarried · 02/10/2023 13:07

I'd be cancelling and rearranging when both of you are at home.

I'd also be giving DH a list of things he needs to do for that occasion.

He can't invite and forget to tell you, especially if he's not even home for the meal.

This time it's probably too late to cancel. Pop out and get some pre-made food to throw in oven with a bag of salad to serve .

Next, make it absolutely clear to your husband that anything less than a week's notice will be cancelled immediately and rebooked when you are both able to host. And do it, mean it, don't let him get away with it again.

It will take someone with ADHD either 40 occasions to learn this new way or a big shock he won't forget....

BodegaSushi · 02/10/2023 13:08

On a Monday? Are your other children school-aged? Why would they expect to come and be served on a school night? Is this for real?

Tinkerbyebye · 02/10/2023 13:08

You cook what you have planned to cook and if they don’t like it tough

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 02/10/2023 13:09

I’m not in the UK but do most men there have ADHD and no responsibility to their family whatsoever? How the hell were they brought up?

I don't know of any in RL, it seems to be more of a MN thing in my experience. On here a LOT of excuses are made for men with supposed ND.