Page 13 | Husband family coming over for dinner but he forgets(?) to tell me in advance!

Daisiesonthelawn · 2023-10-02T09:22:05+00:00

My husband keeps doing this thing where he will tell me the day before that he spoke to his mum and a couple of days ago and they’re coming around for dinner tomorrow and expecting to eat with the children. Expectation is that I will cook for them all. My youngest is a baby a few months old as and I like to plan ahead so finding out I need to change dinner plans the night before to accommodate is really annoying! He also just let me know (not directly told me but I worked it out) this morning that our niece is coming too who’s a really picky eater. He doesn’t see the problem and it wouldn’t be if he was the one cooking and planning. He’s not even going to be back from work til after they’ve eaten! he doesn’t mean to not tell me- he’s just very forgetful and has ADHD. But it’s so infuriating. I will need to get home earlier than planned this afternoon to make dinner, get extra groceries etc. I genuinely do love seeing them. But everyone expecting dinner etc at short notice is more tricky when I have a little baby to look after. I just want some forewarning and maybe be included in planning?!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/10/2023 11:31

Ps my sister in law never 'hosts' us with meals despite not working. If we go to theirs we are United after lunch to play with the kids and are given tea and biscuits or crisps that my brother serves. Does she get commented on, yes, does she give a shit, nope!

arethereanyleftatall · 04/10/2023 11:54

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/10/2023 11:31

Ps my sister in law never 'hosts' us with meals despite not working. If we go to theirs we are United after lunch to play with the kids and are given tea and biscuits or crisps that my brother serves. Does she get commented on, yes, does she give a shit, nope!

Good for her.

Can you tell us why you think it should be your SIL hosting her husbands family and not him? (Given he is clearly there and thus not at work)

Rosscameasdoody · 04/10/2023 12:26

BodegaSushi · 04/10/2023 09:33

Oh god this is so tedious i’ll help you out here. ‘Invent posts’ is the phrase you’re looking for here. THAT’S the ‘something else’.

I’m not saying that ADHD should be tolerated and there aren’t real life examples of it being used an an excuse. I’m saying that SOMETIMES, posts on MN are invented. To encourage more people to hate on certain conditions/increase traffic.

Just like posts are created about imaginary evil Mothers-In-Law. I’m not saying they don’t exist, I’m saying a lot of the posts are fake. I cannot say it any more clearly.

Show quote history

Yes, very tedious. Not to mention patronising now. Let’s leave it there so as not to derail.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/10/2023 13:09

@arethereanyleftatall

I don't think that. I'm giving a role model for op and telling her what's possible and the world doesn't fall apart if anyone doesn't think you're hospitable or easy going!

Boysgrownbutstillathome · 04/10/2023 13:09

Do beans on toast or fish fingers for everyone.

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 04/10/2023 13:31

There’s so much misunderstanding of what ADHD actually is on here. My nephew is in his early twenties and has the condition, and I speak from experience when I say the clue is in the word ‘deficit’. The condition makes sufferers (for want of a better word) impulsive and quick to action without awareness or consideration of the possible consequences. And that’s what’s happening here. It doesn’t mean he’s intentionally inconsiderate or selfish - the fact that he’s ‘forgotten’ to tell OP until he’s suddenly remembered the arrangements, and the fact that he’s made the arrangement for a time when he won’t be there, are all typical of the deficit in processing information and connecting actions with consequences.

There is no point in the OP sitting him down and telling him how difficult he’s making for her, or trying to present the unintended consequences, or any of the other things people are advising, because he simply doesn’t process things in the same way - if he did there wouldn’t be a problem.

A couple of PP have suggested the Op contact her MiL to explain what’s happening, and to ask that she let the OP know when arrangements have been made - and they’ve been shot down for the suggestion, when it’s actually a good example of a workaround. His mother will presumably be aware of the condition and will have had to deal with it throughout childhood and beyond, so it probably won’t come as much of a surprise to her. A heads up as to when they’ve been invited round is probably the best solution.

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 04/10/2023 13:35

SunRainStorm · 04/10/2023 04:47

Fuck the lot of them.

Tell them DH forgot to tell you, so it's going to have to be moved to another day.

Why would he invite them when he's not even going to be there? That's so odd.

Why is it odd ? The OP has already said he has has ADHD and it’s part and parcel of the condition.

Gerrataere · 04/10/2023 13:42

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 04/10/2023 13:31

There’s so much misunderstanding of what ADHD actually is on here. My nephew is in his early twenties and has the condition, and I speak from experience when I say the clue is in the word ‘deficit’. The condition makes sufferers (for want of a better word) impulsive and quick to action without awareness or consideration of the possible consequences. And that’s what’s happening here. It doesn’t mean he’s intentionally inconsiderate or selfish - the fact that he’s ‘forgotten’ to tell OP until he’s suddenly remembered the arrangements, and the fact that he’s made the arrangement for a time when he won’t be there, are all typical of the deficit in processing information and connecting actions with consequences.

There is no point in the OP sitting him down and telling him how difficult he’s making for her, or trying to present the unintended consequences, or any of the other things people are advising, because he simply doesn’t process things in the same way - if he did there wouldn’t be a problem.

A couple of PP have suggested the Op contact her MiL to explain what’s happening, and to ask that she let the OP know when arrangements have been made - and they’ve been shot down for the suggestion, when it’s actually a good example of a workaround. His mother will presumably be aware of the condition and will have had to deal with it throughout childhood and beyond, so it probably won’t come as much of a surprise to her. A heads up as to when they’ve been invited round is probably the best solution.

I disagree. Adhd is a very difficult condition to have and for other people to live with (just ask my ex when I misplaced my keys/glasses/everything for the millionth time because of object displacement), but if just dropping information on a wife/girlfriend and expecting her to fully sort it for you on low notice is an ADHD trait, it seems to affect almost every male on the planet.

Maybe it did genuinely fall into the abyss of the mind like things often can with ADHD. Doesn’t make it the op’s problem to fully fix. The point here is whether it’s adhd or just being a bloke who thinks his wife’s time isn’t as important as his own, this was his mistake and it’s on him to fix it once he did remember. Not for him to make the op look like she’s flustering over having the in-laws over.

arethereanyleftatall · 04/10/2023 13:57

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/10/2023 13:09

@arethereanyleftatall

I don't think that. I'm giving a role model for op and telling her what's possible and the world doesn't fall apart if anyone doesn't think you're hospitable or easy going!

Ah, my apologies. I misunderstood!

THisbackwithavengeance · 04/10/2023 14:02

Such a non problem but as usual everyone overreacts, kicks off and makes a mountain of a molehill.

In real life, you'd get a takeaway or stick some frozen chips and pizza in the oven.

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 04/10/2023 14:30

In real life, you'd get a takeaway or stick some frozen chips and pizza in the oven.

And then you'd come back to MN in five years time having had another child, still moaning about how your arse of a husband and his family are treating you like shit and how it's got worse over the years.

The OP isn't even allowed to get annoyed about the situation. Is ADHD also to blame for her DH being unreasonable about that?

BodegaSushi · 04/10/2023 14:45

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 04/10/2023 13:31

There’s so much misunderstanding of what ADHD actually is on here. My nephew is in his early twenties and has the condition, and I speak from experience when I say the clue is in the word ‘deficit’. The condition makes sufferers (for want of a better word) impulsive and quick to action without awareness or consideration of the possible consequences. And that’s what’s happening here. It doesn’t mean he’s intentionally inconsiderate or selfish - the fact that he’s ‘forgotten’ to tell OP until he’s suddenly remembered the arrangements, and the fact that he’s made the arrangement for a time when he won’t be there, are all typical of the deficit in processing information and connecting actions with consequences.

There is no point in the OP sitting him down and telling him how difficult he’s making for her, or trying to present the unintended consequences, or any of the other things people are advising, because he simply doesn’t process things in the same way - if he did there wouldn’t be a problem.

A couple of PP have suggested the Op contact her MiL to explain what’s happening, and to ask that she let the OP know when arrangements have been made - and they’ve been shot down for the suggestion, when it’s actually a good example of a workaround. His mother will presumably be aware of the condition and will have had to deal with it throughout childhood and beyond, so it probably won’t come as much of a surprise to her. A heads up as to when they’ve been invited round is probably the best solution.

This is a really well-written post. I’d also like to add to the couple of posters who said ‘bet he remembers stuff at work’ well no, it doesn’t work like that either. Otherwise it wouldn’t be ADHD.

I do forget stuff at work sometimes. But I work very hard to try not to, and that means that I have virtually nothing left by the time I get home so my home life is an absolute mess.

I live alone though, so it affects no one else but me. And while it’s important to work with a partner to take the load off of them, it’s not as easy as ‘just stop forgetting’.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 04/10/2023 16:10

Gerrataere · 04/10/2023 13:42

I disagree. Adhd is a very difficult condition to have and for other people to live with (just ask my ex when I misplaced my keys/glasses/everything for the millionth time because of object displacement), but if just dropping information on a wife/girlfriend and expecting her to fully sort it for you on low notice is an ADHD trait, it seems to affect almost every male on the planet.

Maybe it did genuinely fall into the abyss of the mind like things often can with ADHD. Doesn’t make it the op’s problem to fully fix. The point here is whether it’s adhd or just being a bloke who thinks his wife’s time isn’t as important as his own, this was his mistake and it’s on him to fix it once he did remember. Not for him to make the op look like she’s flustering over having the in-laws over.

Show quote history

Well done on either not reading properly or completely misunderstanding a pretty comprehensive post about ADHD, in favour of yet again casting doubt on whether the OP’s DH actually has it, or whether he’s just a man making excuses for being an arse. And presumably the OP knew he had the condition when she married him, so yes, it does fall to her to fix workarounds to aspects of it which cause a problem for her - unless she wants her life to be a series of chaotic situations. As has been explained - people with ADHD don’t process information in the same way and just explaining the problem isn’t enough in a lot of cases because there’s a disconnect between actions and consequences.

Gerrataere · 04/10/2023 16:27

DotAndCarryOne2 · 04/10/2023 16:10

Well done on either not reading properly or completely misunderstanding a pretty comprehensive post about ADHD, in favour of yet again casting doubt on whether the OP’s DH actually has it, or whether he’s just a man making excuses for being an arse. And presumably the OP knew he had the condition when she married him, so yes, it does fall to her to fix workarounds to aspects of it which cause a problem for her - unless she wants her life to be a series of chaotic situations. As has been explained - people with ADHD don’t process information in the same way and just explaining the problem isn’t enough in a lot of cases because there’s a disconnect between actions and consequences.

Edited

Show quote history

It’s not me who hasn’t got reading comprehension. I never once said the op’s husband doesn’t have ADHD. I’m saying that it is a huge issue in most male/female relationships where a man puts a domestic chore on the wife (last minute or not) and expects her to magically sort it without any allusions to putting effort into the task themselves. Especially in this case where the op has been left feeling worried about sorting it and pleasing her in-laws when it was the husband who should be making half the effort (at least) to entertain/cater his own parents regardless of any condition. If he didn’t have a wife and forgot they were coming to dinner, what would he have done? The difficulties of adhd and the way women are treated like maids/mothers/walking Filofax is an overlapping situation here. Mistakes and forgetting things due to adhd happens, this isn’t just what’s going on here.

It does not fall to the op to fix all these issues or simply put up with them. It will grind down her mental health, she’ll end up feeling more of a carer than his equal partner. And believe me from personal experience, it will happen over time if he doesn’t accept he needs to self manage his adhd and role in the home more.

NumberTheory · 04/10/2023 19:04

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 04/10/2023 13:31

There’s so much misunderstanding of what ADHD actually is on here. My nephew is in his early twenties and has the condition, and I speak from experience when I say the clue is in the word ‘deficit’. The condition makes sufferers (for want of a better word) impulsive and quick to action without awareness or consideration of the possible consequences. And that’s what’s happening here. It doesn’t mean he’s intentionally inconsiderate or selfish - the fact that he’s ‘forgotten’ to tell OP until he’s suddenly remembered the arrangements, and the fact that he’s made the arrangement for a time when he won’t be there, are all typical of the deficit in processing information and connecting actions with consequences.

There is no point in the OP sitting him down and telling him how difficult he’s making for her, or trying to present the unintended consequences, or any of the other things people are advising, because he simply doesn’t process things in the same way - if he did there wouldn’t be a problem.

A couple of PP have suggested the Op contact her MiL to explain what’s happening, and to ask that she let the OP know when arrangements have been made - and they’ve been shot down for the suggestion, when it’s actually a good example of a workaround. His mother will presumably be aware of the condition and will have had to deal with it throughout childhood and beyond, so it probably won’t come as much of a surprise to her. A heads up as to when they’ve been invited round is probably the best solution.

While this explains the organizing for a time he isn’t there and his forgetting to inform his wife in a timely manner, it totally fails to address the way when he realises and informs the OP of what he’s done, he does nothing to fix it. That’s the bit of this that falls into self-entitled behaviour where he is just using his wife as a servant.

He could have cancelled or rearranged to a date that was convenient and he was home. He could have rearranged work and come back and cooked. He could apologise to OP and acknowledge that he’s landed her in it. He could even have the conversation with his mum where he says “I keep doing this and it’s hurting DW and it’s unfair on her, but I haven’t managed to put anything in place to fix it. Could you contact her and double check when I invite you over?”

But he doesn’t do any of that. He makes the mistake (which, if it’s repeated is something he could look at developing a method to avoid) and when the mistake becomes apparent, he lets OP take all the shit from it without making an effort to ameliorate any of it.

crumblingschools · 04/10/2023 19:12

Why aren’t they coming when your DH is going to be there?

Rosscameasdoody · 04/10/2023 19:41

NumberTheory · 04/10/2023 19:04

While this explains the organizing for a time he isn’t there and his forgetting to inform his wife in a timely manner, it totally fails to address the way when he realises and informs the OP of what he’s done, he does nothing to fix it. That’s the bit of this that falls into self-entitled behaviour where he is just using his wife as a servant.

He could have cancelled or rearranged to a date that was convenient and he was home. He could have rearranged work and come back and cooked. He could apologise to OP and acknowledge that he’s landed her in it. He could even have the conversation with his mum where he says “I keep doing this and it’s hurting DW and it’s unfair on her, but I haven’t managed to put anything in place to fix it. Could you contact her and double check when I invite you over?”

But he doesn’t do any of that. He makes the mistake (which, if it’s repeated is something he could look at developing a method to avoid) and when the mistake becomes apparent, he lets OP take all the shit from it without making an effort to ameliorate any of it.

Show quote history

Read the post. It’s not that simple. Actions and consequence and awareness of same. And it’s not a mistake. It’s a disconnect as a result of an actual disability. Jesus wept, this isn’t rocket science !!

NumberTheory · 04/10/2023 20:03

Rosscameasdoody · 04/10/2023 19:41

Read the post. It’s not that simple. Actions and consequence and awareness of same. And it’s not a mistake. It’s a disconnect as a result of an actual disability. Jesus wept, this isn’t rocket science !!

Show quote history

I read the post. It still did not address the issue of his actions after the disconnect became apparent to him nor his dismissal of his wife’s feelings and complaints.

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 05/10/2023 10:41

NumberTheory · 04/10/2023 20:03

I read the post. It still did not address the issue of his actions after the disconnect became apparent to him nor his dismissal of his wife’s feelings and complaints.

Show quote history

The OP didn’t say he was dismissive of her feelings - even she acknowledges that he doesn’t do it on purpose. And the disconnect won’t be apparent to him. That’s what the deficit means.

OP says they’re working on it together but she’s coming in for a load of flack because she won’t disengage and let him get on with it, as a lot of people are suggesting. What good is that going to do the OP - it will keep happening until they find a workaround. His condition means there’s a failure to connect actions with consequences and no amount of lecturing the OP to make it his problem is going to help if he’s not capable of seeing what’s wrong.

If this was a physical disability that could be seen, and the effects were apparent, the advice here would be very different. But because ADHD is not well understood in general, most people are dismissing it, as him being a man, therefore he must be a selfish arse. It doesn’t work like that. If the OP wants to exhaust herself trying to get him to change, fine, but it would be much easier to find a way around it that works - and the easiest way to my mind is to involve his family more and be honest about the problems she’s experiencing as a result of his condition.

Gerrataere · 05/10/2023 10:59

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 05/10/2023 10:41

The OP didn’t say he was dismissive of her feelings - even she acknowledges that he doesn’t do it on purpose. And the disconnect won’t be apparent to him. That’s what the deficit means.

OP says they’re working on it together but she’s coming in for a load of flack because she won’t disengage and let him get on with it, as a lot of people are suggesting. What good is that going to do the OP - it will keep happening until they find a workaround. His condition means there’s a failure to connect actions with consequences and no amount of lecturing the OP to make it his problem is going to help if he’s not capable of seeing what’s wrong.

If this was a physical disability that could be seen, and the effects were apparent, the advice here would be very different. But because ADHD is not well understood in general, most people are dismissing it, as him being a man, therefore he must be a selfish arse. It doesn’t work like that. If the OP wants to exhaust herself trying to get him to change, fine, but it would be much easier to find a way around it that works - and the easiest way to my mind is to involve his family more and be honest about the problems she’s experiencing as a result of his condition.

Show quote history

You’re still missing the point. It’s not the fact that due to adhd he’s forgotten something. It’s the fact that once he remembered he has left it all to the op to fix. Is the op his carer? It doesn’t seem to be a position she’s considered nor wants. So when he realises he’s forgotten something or made a mistake it is up to him to find solutions and not expect to op to scramble something together so not to offend his family.

‘I forgot my family was visiting, I'm
so sorry. Could you please go and get x,y, z from the shops. I’ll be home at x time, we can prep food and I’ll entertain family or cook when they arrive’.

Not

’I forgot I in the my family over. Anyway I’m
sure you’ll get it sorted, I’m off somewhere else anyway’

There is a chasm of difference making adjustments for your spouse due to disability and just being treated like a live in housemaid/support worker.

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 05/10/2023 12:12

Gerrataere · 05/10/2023 10:59

You’re still missing the point. It’s not the fact that due to adhd he’s forgotten something. It’s the fact that once he remembered he has left it all to the op to fix. Is the op his carer? It doesn’t seem to be a position she’s considered nor wants. So when he realises he’s forgotten something or made a mistake it is up to him to find solutions and not expect to op to scramble something together so not to offend his family.

‘I forgot my family was visiting, I'm
so sorry. Could you please go and get x,y, z from the shops. I’ll be home at x time, we can prep food and I’ll entertain family or cook when they arrive’.

Not

’I forgot I in the my family over. Anyway I’m
sure you’ll get it sorted, I’m off somewhere else anyway’

There is a chasm of difference making adjustments for your spouse due to disability and just being treated like a live in housemaid/support worker.

Show quote history

This isn’t how ADHD works - it’s not as black and white as you think and I’m not missing any point. Making a mistake and finding a solution to that mistake is part of the disconnect - actions and consequences. And the OP isn’t his carer, but as has been mentioned before, she was aware of the diagnosis when they got together, so she has to be accepting of the fact that she will come up against problems like this and be prepared to find a workaround - hence her post saying they are working on a solution together.

Gerrataere · 05/10/2023 12:19

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 05/10/2023 12:12

This isn’t how ADHD works - it’s not as black and white as you think and I’m not missing any point. Making a mistake and finding a solution to that mistake is part of the disconnect - actions and consequences. And the OP isn’t his carer, but as has been mentioned before, she was aware of the diagnosis when they got together, so she has to be accepting of the fact that she will come up against problems like this and be prepared to find a workaround - hence her post saying they are working on a solution together.

Show quote history

It’s not about how the condition works, it’s about how the person who has it manages it! I’ve asked before and I will again, what would the op’s husband had to have done of his wife was not there or unavailable in other ways? Would he have had the ability to sort his family himself? Cancel? He would have had to take some action, so there is an element of putting it on someone else simply because he can, not because he is incapable of dealing with a consequence of his disability.

And please stop replying to me ‘that’s not how adhd works’. I appreciate it affects individuals differently but I have a whole lifetime of understanding the difficulties living with adhd brings and now have a child diagnosed and needing help to learn to manage it as well. It’s a bloody difficult existence that requires extra understanding and patience at times. It also means having to put in extra effort yourself so not to let people down or make your consequences their problem.

Coffeepot72 · 05/10/2023 15:44

I'm not a doctor and I don't have any medical qualifications whatsoever but I'm wondering if there is a condition called 'Selective ADHD', where someone can function ok at work but not at home? Mainly affecting men?

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 05/10/2023 17:40

Coffeepot72 · 05/10/2023 15:44

I'm not a doctor and I don't have any medical qualifications whatsoever but I'm wondering if there is a condition called 'Selective ADHD', where someone can function ok at work but not at home? Mainly affecting men?

Not a doctor either. But I do have adhd (I am however a woman).

Social repercussions (guests seeing a messy home, co-workers annoyed because I did shoddy work etc.) are great motivators for tasks I have issues with / don´t give me dopamine etc.

I suppose it´s very possible that there are simply less repercussions when they fail household and family related tasks for these men / many men.

This thread seems to demonstrate it rather nicely. OP has repeatedly compensated for her SO´s lack of planning by shouldering addition responsibilty. This meant that he didn´t get the incentive of consequences (upset parents, embarassment etc).

EvelynBeatrice · 05/10/2023 20:23

The only thing that you have control over are your own actions /reactions. If you just want a moan, fair enough. If you want to sort it out, it's easy enough in one call/ text either from your husband if you can trust him to do it or from you - 'Sorry, tomorrow night doesn't suit - no one mentioned it to me and we've already got other plans. '