Husband family coming over for dinner but he forgets(?) to tell me in advance!

[Daisiesonthelawn]

My husband keeps doing this thing where he will tell me the day before that he spoke to his mum and a couple of days ago and they’re coming around for dinner tomorrow and expecting to eat with the children. Expectation is that I will cook for them all. My youngest is a baby a few months old as and I like to plan ahead so finding out I need to change dinner plans the night before to accommodate is really annoying! He also just let me know (not directly told me but I worked it out) this morning that our niece is coming too who’s a really picky eater. He doesn’t see the problem and it wouldn’t be if he was the one cooking and planning. He’s not even going to be back from work til after they’ve eaten!
he doesn’t mean to not tell me- he’s just very forgetful and has ADHD. But it’s so infuriating. I will need to get home earlier than planned this afternoon to make dinner, get extra groceries etc. I genuinely do love seeing them. But everyone expecting dinner etc at short notice is more tricky when I have a little baby to look after. I just want some forewarning and maybe be included in planning?!

If you enjoy seeing them why not make a date when they are over for next time

Ideally a time when dh is there

Or for them to come over after dinner

I'd be out with your baby when they arrive. Your DH can sort them out once he gets home. He wouldn't forget again if you did this. If you rush around sorting out a suitable meal for them he'll carry on forgetting.

Tell him to cancel or cook. Please don’t jump on and save him again. If there are no consequences then he’ll never change.

They can expect the moon, it doesn't mean you have to give it to them.

Say "sorry, I wasn't expecting you so haven't cooked for you. Would you like tea or coffee and a biscuit?"

My DH used to do this. Prime example, 2st weekend when I'd been two weeks back at work full time after 2nd DC. They arrived in the morning to watch me clean the house. They were "foodies" and I will never forget the silent disgust at the sheer cheek of me serving M and S puddings which they all refused to eat.

Stamp this habit out now. Or it will continue to rankle.

I wish I'd known earlier in life that saying clearly what you want and don't want in a reasonable way is not rude, disrespectful or nasty or selfish. But other people imposing on you and making you do difficult, exhausting or inconvenient things actually is all of those things.

Blank look "and?"

Presumably, as they'rehis family, they know he has ADHD and they know what he's like. Just tell them the truth and reschedule.

It’s not Attention Deficit Huge Dickhead disorder – separate the neurodiversity from the shitbaggery. I’d never say ADHD-having DP would never do this, but when he double books, forgets, does similar, he fixes it – eg food delivery when I was 40 weeks with severe PGP on one of his office days, he cancelled the delivery, rewrote the meal plan, brought home a takeaway to sustain me while he went to the shop, so no skin off my nose.

Stop enabling him! Make it his problem. He’ll have coping methods at work - to do lists, phone reminders. He needs to employ them at home, but at the moment he doesn’t have to because the shit never hits the fan. The shit hits YOU.

You have a couple of options here.

1/ tell DH that he (not you) has to to disinvite them, and why.
2/ if he won't do that INSIST he has to host them any way he wants to do it, like he cooks or gets a takeaway. And does everything else that's needed.

Do not do anything at all that lets him off the hook, like aquiescing or getting in touch with your inlaws directly. It's the only way to avoid his repeat performances.

As PP have said, I bet he dosn't pull similar stunts at work or with other people.

So what if he/they expect you to cook for them all? It doesn't mean you have to do it.

When he tells you of the plan a day in advance, just react as if he's telling you he's the one planning to be home early and to be doing all the cooking and shopping. Ask him what he's planning to cook and how much you're looking forward to seeing them.

Then if they all turn up, feign surprise and tell them to ring him to find out where he is. Don't be solving the problem by finding/ordering/cooking food, just make them drinks and sit and chat and get on with what you need to do with DC. Just don't give in to any obligation you feel to feed them. Make it clear that it's something he's arranged and you thought he was dealing with.

You have a husband problem. Cook as planned snd he can sort take away. Or he cooks. End of discussion.

Easy… tell him to have a great time at the supermarket and cooking dinner because you have plans with your mum?

So when he tells you ask him what he's making for dinner.

Nope. You have to just say that it’s his turn to do it.

Hard one. How do you normally react?

If you normally accept it, I'd do it for tonight but lay down some clear ground rules moving forward and stick firmly.

ADHD is an explanation. Not an excuse and he should have ways of managing it. My husband has a brain injury and forgets things. We have agreed systems in place to deal with him reminding me of things and ways I tell him things he can't forget. I certainly don't let him just wander through life doing as he pleases letting me chase me around!

God no, please don't be that woman. Don't run around procuring food, don't kill yourself cooking at the very last minute, just don't. Go out, go to your friends, family, hotel, anywhere.

My parents have the exact same dynamic. Dad springs things on mum hours before the thing/event, sometimes she even opens the door to see inlaws/relatives already standing there with no warning. She rages when they leave and says 'never again'. Until the next time. Has been going on for decades.

My ex tried to pull this once. Phoned me at lunch break to 'chat' and at the end of convo casually announced his friends are coming over later that day, and could I sort out some drinks/snacks. Could I fuck. I came back, changed, did my makeup and went out with my pals. I did warn him I'm not doing anything for him, he just didn't believe me. Dickhead was left with hangry friends and empty table. He didn't do it again, though.

Ah yes, please don't involve your MIL. That would be two women solving grown ass man's problems. It's pathetic. He's an adult, he can sort himself out, ADHD or no ADHD.

Absolutely this! If (and frequently when!) I'm caught out by something my ADHD brain fairy decided to hide until the last minute I will be the one already doing an Uber eats grocery delivery while I work or texting the family to grovel that I've forgotten to arrange the visit and they'll have to come another day now. I don't leave it up to DH unless he's agreed to help out. Being a man doesn't mean you get a get-out card dealing with ADHD.

To those saying people use ADHD as a get out of jail free card, you don't understand ADHD.
Yes people can often manage quite well remembering things that are part of a consistent routine but throw in extras, unexpected things to deal tiredness, stress, a bad cold and often things just seem to disappear from your memory bank. Trying harder has limited success.
I randomly left the handbrake off my car the other day, it rolled into my neighbours car and now there's a dent in the bumper, I was tired and was rushing, my normal routine disrupted by dealing with a child with a broken arm. Far from feeling that I should not be judged for this cos ADHD as usual I judged myself harshly, feeling guilt and shame at my stupid brain as on countless other occasions. People with ADHD spent a lot of time feeling ashamed and embarrassed in my experience.

I have ADHD.

I don’t forget important things IF having done so in the past has left me in a shit position of cleaning up after my own mistakes.

By if a mark is never left cos forgetting with that person, in that context, come with only minor consequences, chances are it won’t be memorable enough to stick in my mind that I shouldn’t do it again.

It’s not like it’s hugely onerous for him to resolve. He can just organise pizza or something. (This is why I have emergency frozen pizzas hidden in the bottom of the freezer, cos they don’t deliver in the back of beyond where I live, and based on my track record there always the chance they’ll be saving my arse from the crappy wiring in my brain)

In our house the person that does the inviting, does the work around hosting!

In our neurodivergent household we don't make plans without checking in with each other.
It's not his ADHD, he just lacks respect for you and your time op.

You don't "need" to do anything other than be more assertive. You certainly don't need to drop everything to act as host, cook and servant. He invited them, he can take responsibility for them.

Thanks for your replies everyone.

Ive made very clear with my husband that this isn’t okay to do. (Multiple times). We’re definitely still working on understanding in this area.

I see where everyone is coming from with the idea of just stepping back and letting him do it all/going out with the baby. For whatever reason that I probably need to work on, I don’t feel comfortable doing that. I think because it actually will ultimately end up being more inconvenient. But I get that it would probably be a beneficial reaction to set a standard in the future.

I’ve let my MIL know that this was sprung on me and that it’s made my day quite tricky. But I know how it comes across to my in-laws - that I’m now being awkward. I can tell they’re now annoyed that I’ve made it into “a problem”. I hate this narrative that builds around this !!!!! It’s not the first time this has happened. And it ends up with me annoyed, my husband not getting it and being annoyed with me for being annoyed, me trying to express it gently to my in-laws and me not looking easy-going and hospitable.

The inlaws are the ones being awkward.

Well, that's the problem. It's his routine to keep doing this! The OP said he "keeps doing this."

This is not a random thing that came up like forgetting to use the handbrake while in the middle of other chaos. He knows he does it. He could have a plan in place to deal with it. At this point, he continues to issue last-minute invitations because he has not had to deal with the chaos he creates. If he feels ashamed and embarrassed, the should. That's not a magic wand that should get him out of learning to manage his problem better.