Page 6 | Husband family coming over for dinner but he forgets(?) to tell me in advance!

Daisiesonthelawn · 2023-10-02T09:22:05+00:00

My husband keeps doing this thing where he will tell me the day before that he spoke to his mum and a couple of days ago and they’re coming around for dinner tomorrow and expecting to eat with the children. Expectation is that I will cook for them all. My youngest is a baby a few months old as and I like to plan ahead so finding out I need to change dinner plans the night before to accommodate is really annoying! He also just let me know (not directly told me but I worked it out) this morning that our niece is coming too who’s a really picky eater. He doesn’t see the problem and it wouldn’t be if he was the one cooking and planning. He’s not even going to be back from work til after they’ve eaten! he doesn’t mean to not tell me- he’s just very forgetful and has ADHD. But it’s so infuriating. I will need to get home earlier than planned this afternoon to make dinner, get extra groceries etc. I genuinely do love seeing them. But everyone expecting dinner etc at short notice is more tricky when I have a little baby to look after. I just want some forewarning and maybe be included in planning?!

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 02/10/2023 13:27

GingerIsBest · 02/10/2023 13:03

I personally know (and many of my adhd friends agree) that social consequences and embarrassment can be the best motivator. That’s why I and so many other adhders manage to be incredibly efficient cleaners right before we have guests.

DS is learning this. He left a friend hanging out in the town centre for 45 minutes the other day. His friend was clearly quite annoyed. DS is thinking about how to be better at these things. He's 12.

Exactly! which is also how I learnt to be on time, btw.

There are soo many memes, shorts etc about people with adhd tricking themselves to do certain tasks.

one of the most common one is having somebody tell you they’ll visit (or inviting them over). Which will make you clean your house.

natural consequences are probably important for most people. But they’re especially important for people with ADHD (yet again, imo).

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 02/10/2023 13:28

I’d tell him that he needs to get a takeaway, or else ready meals. You cannot do this sort of thing without plenty of notice.

pam290358 · 02/10/2023 13:30

OP could you talk to his mum and explain that when they make arrangements with him they need to check in with you at the same time to make sure you’re aware, as he keeps leaving it to the last minute to tell you ? Tell her you’re afraid that one day he’ll forget altogether and the cupboard will be bare !!

CoffeeBeansGalore · 02/10/2023 13:30

IF despite your phone call they are still coming you message your husband & tell him to leave work early & pick up something for dinner on the way. Whether it's a takeaway or something HE can throw in the oven.
Next time (there will be a next time) you either go out before they arrive or as pp suggested - open door, oh hello wasn't expecting you. DH not home yet. Ring him - your mother's here? You need to pick up dinner then.

When it inconveniences him he will take notice.

VerasRaincoat · 02/10/2023 13:31

Reading your post and replies made my blood boil. I have ADHD, dyslexia and dyscalcula and I don’t behave this way towards my dp.

He’s behaving like an entitled arsehole because he was raised by one. If mil’s first thought towards dil with a months old baby isn’t to cancel dinner plans till something arranged with dil, or offer to bring food around with her, I’m sorry but she’s a giant gaping arsehole.

If I made a mistake like this, I’d have owned it with the my mother and cancelled it. Your mil and husband are a nightmare. Sympathies OP.

MsRosley · 02/10/2023 13:31

Rosscameasdoody · 02/10/2023 13:24

Each and every time he does it, make him responsible for the planning, cooking and hosting. You’ll find his memory soon improves.

Yup.

M4J4 · 02/10/2023 13:31

pam290358 · 02/10/2023 13:30

OP could you talk to his mum and explain that when they make arrangements with him they need to check in with you at the same time to make sure you’re aware, as he keeps leaving it to the last minute to tell you ? Tell her you’re afraid that one day he’ll forget altogether and the cupboard will be bare !!

I think that could make things worse as they’ll become more demanding from OP.

DH needs to take responsibility and host his own parents and actually be there and cook for them.

Coffeepot72 · 02/10/2023 13:34

Iwasafool · 02/10/2023 10:34

I will never forget the New Year's Eve when I was at work, kids with my mother and my SIL phoned about the party we were having. I didn't know we were having a party. I left work early and rushed round the shops but I didn't really have enough partly due to rushing and partly as I hadn't got much money, obviously we'd just had Christmas and my "D"H and one of the children had a birthday a couple of days before Christmas.

Husband was at work and I couldn't even get hold of him.

It was a disaster and I was mortified.

I feel your pain and don't let anyone tell you that you'll laugh about it one day, 40 years later and I'm still not laughing.

Seriously?? Why couldn't you just say you WEREN'T having a party??

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 02/10/2023 13:36

DH has ADHD (and his Dad, nephew etc). I am nicer to him when he completely messes up diaries since he got diagnosed, and he does struggle with it at work as much as at home. But it's still his problem to deal with and sort out if he's forgotten something. Sure, if I can help out and it's not inconvenient, I will. But it's on him.

That's the thing isn't it? It could be that loads of the men that I know have ADHD but they have put things in place to ensure that it doesn't inconvenience others hence I have no idea about their ND. But it sounds to me like the OP's DH is using his ND as an excuse for shitty behaviour. Or the OP is using his ND as an excuse for putting up with his shitty behaviour.

LardoBurrows · 02/10/2023 13:37

I'd give them beans on toast or frozen child sized pizza, job done.

Op, you really need to work on your boundaries and maybe talk to a professional on why you let your husband and in-laws walk all over you and dismiss your feelings as worthless. Find your self worth/backbone and stop letting him and his family treat you like a skivvy.

TomatoSandwiches · 02/10/2023 13:38

He's not even apologetic op, he has the audacity to be angry with you for his own mistake.
This is not about his ADHD.

happsy · 02/10/2023 13:38

Iwasafool · 02/10/2023 10:34

I will never forget the New Year's Eve when I was at work, kids with my mother and my SIL phoned about the party we were having. I didn't know we were having a party. I left work early and rushed round the shops but I didn't really have enough partly due to rushing and partly as I hadn't got much money, obviously we'd just had Christmas and my "D"H and one of the children had a birthday a couple of days before Christmas.

Husband was at work and I couldn't even get hold of him.

It was a disaster and I was mortified.

I feel your pain and don't let anyone tell you that you'll laugh about it one day, 40 years later and I'm still not laughing.

More fool you for rushing around and even doing any of that.

Op I would just leave it to him to sort out and tell them you only knew last minute. If you are the one doing the cooking usually, and they know that then they should have also contacted you before hand as a heads up.

AbbeyGailsParty · 02/10/2023 13:38

That’s nice love, what are you cooking for them?
Would be my answer every time.

Poppyblush · 02/10/2023 13:38

Why enable his bad behaviour? Tell him you’re going out or serve fish finders and chips? He’s a twat.

happsy · 02/10/2023 13:40

He is pathetic and no excuse using his adhd. He's just awful for dumping this on you. Don't feel bad, your IL should be feeling bad rather than annoyed.

arethereanyleftatall · 02/10/2023 13:43

Op, would you ever, on a weekend day when he's not working say to your dh 'oh, by the way, I forgot to tell you, my mum's coming round for dinner tomorrow. I forgot I've got those concert tickets with Sue.'

And would he say 'no worries darling, I'll whip up a roast for your mum and the kids. Have a lovely time.'

Ridiculous isn't it? Yes.

SkaneTos · 02/10/2023 13:44

Rosscameasdoody · 02/10/2023 13:24

Each and every time he does it, make him responsible for the planning, cooking and hosting. You’ll find his memory soon improves.

I agree with this poster.

randomrandom · 02/10/2023 13:50

I see where everyone is coming from with the idea of just stepping back and letting him do it all/going out with the baby. For whatever reason that I probably need to work on, I don’t feel comfortable doing that

Yes op you need to work on this, or you need to get comfortable with stuff being dropped on you with no notice forever

Marthachanged · 02/10/2023 13:51

Phone them and ask them to bring takeaway for you all.

arethereanyleftatall · 02/10/2023 13:54

arethereanyleftatall · 02/10/2023 13:43

Op, would you ever, on a weekend day when he's not working say to your dh 'oh, by the way, I forgot to tell you, my mum's coming round for dinner tomorrow. I forgot I've got those concert tickets with Sue.'

And would he say 'no worries darling, I'll whip up a roast for your mum and the kids. Have a lovely time.'

Ridiculous isn't it? Yes.

And further to my own response - what would his response be if you did? Do that.

BoohooWoohoo · 02/10/2023 13:55

The others are 100% in the right that this problem happens because you tie yourself into knots fixing it.
Your h should buy ingredients and decide on the menu. I bet his solution is takeaway or postponing.
If he wants to make things easier then suggest to him that dinner with his parents becomes a regular slot. For example every first Monday of the month is dinner party night. That way he can go to the supermarket on the day before to help do his part.

AlienatedChildGrown · 02/10/2023 14:02

I see where everyone is coming from with the idea of just stepping back and letting him do it all/going out with the baby. For whatever reason that I probably need to work on, I don’t feel comfortable doing that.

He has an issue, but he’s comfortable enough not to resolve it in the most obvious, clear and timely manner.

You have an issue, but you don’t feel comfortable resolving in the most obvious, clear and timely manner.

That’s a deadlock. Which in the longer term could knock holes in the foundation of your marriage, which risks potential longer term negative consequences for your child.

Having ADHD doesn’t make us incapable of taking advantage of other people’s reticence to make us the primary cleaner upper of our own messes. Given that there is likely a genetic component and girls can have it too < waggles self as evidence > it is not in your best interests to prioritise avoiding discomfort in the now. Not least because if the smallie has inherited any tendencies you are going to need extensive practice with all the right tools to give her a headstart in learning how not to fuck up quite so much in life.

It’s not fair, but it is realistic. You taking on the discomfort of “your mess, you deal with it” (and whatever rhubarb in-laws believe/talk themselves into believing about you) is your best foot forward in getting what you need from your husband in terms of consideration. And it’s good practice in case those genes are going to feature in your parental future.

I wish you well and all the luck on offer. I can live with being adhd+me, but I’m not sure I could cope with being married to adhd+me.

RoseMarigoldViolet · 02/10/2023 14:07

Tell your DH that his family can only come for meals in the weekend when he is home to deal with the hosting.

PixiePirate · 02/10/2023 14:08

AlienatedChildGrown · 02/10/2023 14:02

I see where everyone is coming from with the idea of just stepping back and letting him do it all/going out with the baby. For whatever reason that I probably need to work on, I don’t feel comfortable doing that.

He has an issue, but he’s comfortable enough not to resolve it in the most obvious, clear and timely manner.

You have an issue, but you don’t feel comfortable resolving in the most obvious, clear and timely manner.

That’s a deadlock. Which in the longer term could knock holes in the foundation of your marriage, which risks potential longer term negative consequences for your child.

Having ADHD doesn’t make us incapable of taking advantage of other people’s reticence to make us the primary cleaner upper of our own messes. Given that there is likely a genetic component and girls can have it too < waggles self as evidence > it is not in your best interests to prioritise avoiding discomfort in the now. Not least because if the smallie has inherited any tendencies you are going to need extensive practice with all the right tools to give her a headstart in learning how not to fuck up quite so much in life.

It’s not fair, but it is realistic. You taking on the discomfort of “your mess, you deal with it” (and whatever rhubarb in-laws believe/talk themselves into believing about you) is your best foot forward in getting what you need from your husband in terms of consideration. And it’s good practice in case those genes are going to feature in your parental future.

I wish you well and all the luck on offer. I can live with being adhd+me, but I’m not sure I could cope with being married to adhd+me.

Sorry to quote rather than reply - the reply function doesn’t seem to be working.

I actually agreed with everything you said above but jumping on to say how much I love your use of ‘’rhubarb’…haven’t heard that expression for years but LOVE it!!

Meeting · 02/10/2023 14:13

This really doesn't need to be such a big deal. Just make something easy.