Husband family coming over for dinner but he forgets(?) to tell me in advance!

[Daisiesonthelawn]

My husband keeps doing this thing where he will tell me the day before that he spoke to his mum and a couple of days ago and they’re coming around for dinner tomorrow and expecting to eat with the children. Expectation is that I will cook for them all. My youngest is a baby a few months old as and I like to plan ahead so finding out I need to change dinner plans the night before to accommodate is really annoying! He also just let me know (not directly told me but I worked it out) this morning that our niece is coming too who’s a really picky eater. He doesn’t see the problem and it wouldn’t be if he was the one cooking and planning. He’s not even going to be back from work til after they’ve eaten!
he doesn’t mean to not tell me- he’s just very forgetful and has ADHD. But it’s so infuriating. I will need to get home earlier than planned this afternoon to make dinner, get extra groceries etc. I genuinely do love seeing them. But everyone expecting dinner etc at short notice is more tricky when I have a little baby to look after. I just want some forewarning and maybe be included in planning?!

me trying to express it gently to my in-laws and me not looking easy-going and hospitable.

Yep, this is the problem. You care too much about what they think - and why exact do you have to feed them? Won’t a cup of tea and a biscuit suffice?

And what you call “easy going and hospitable” reads to me as “doormat” I’m afraid. You’ll find it easier as you navigate through life if people don’t have such high expectations of you (ie take the piss)

You should have just cancelled or rearrange it.

This won't stop until you take a stand. Your dh's adhd has nothing to do with it. If it was that bad, he wouldn't be working.
I mean seriously, how does he continually put you in this position? Its because he actually doesn't give a shit that you're inconvenienced. Doesn't give a shit at all.

He can shop
He can cook

Or a lot of posts are made where ND is centred in a story about selfishness and entitlement. It's almost like people like to invent posts just to get a froth going about a current 'hot topic'.

Does his mum know about this, I bet she'll be cross with him! Could she going forward send a text after speaking to him so you definitely know in advance? I know this shouldn't be necessary but you need solutions that will help, he's not likely to change (I know I was married to a forgetful person, he's since apologised for just how he treated me)

No nursery aged. My niece is school aged though.

If they want to eat with the children give everyone fish fingers, potato faces and frozen peas. Keep a supply of these in the freezer so you are always prepared.

I don't see the problem OP.

OH is having his family around- great.

Your job is to sip wine and make light conversation.

@Daisiesonthelawn From your followup it sounds like you might have put it to your mother in law in a way which takes a share of the blame for yourself like "I'm so sorry but your son forgot to tell me, so I will be putting something together quickly, I hope that's okay" etc. etc. but I would definitely be inclined to phrase in a way that makes it crystal clear that this is between her and him, not you:

"Hi MIL, I think DH has asked you over tomorrow with DN? Unfortunately he will still be at work then though, so it doesn't work. He must have forgotten. Anyway, loooking forward to seeing you with the kids on Saturday. What time should we be there?" (or whatever.

Fully shut down any invitation that YOU didn't extend as a mistake that he has made. You don't have to pick up the slack from this repeated, lazy mistake, any more than you would if he did it at work.

It also doesn't actually matter if she doesn't think you're massively easy going, does it?

e has made this problem, and it is up to you now to set the boundary and yes this is a hill worth dying over.

"MIL, dh didn't tell me that you guys were coming, or his niece either. He wont be here either until later. This is a plan DH has made, so I will let you guys sort it out and hopefully see you soon."

IF you want to see them and this is for them to see the baby, you could independently invite them over for a cuppa when it suits you. I would do that.

"I will be around on x between x and x, would you like to come over then for a cuppa? I would love to see you then"

That way you have cancelled, remained neutral, redirected her to who she needs to talk to,

"Hi MIL, how lovely to see you. Once again your useless son has failed to give me adequate notice that you were coming for dinner, so massive apologies on his behalf but its frozen pizza and a tub of coleslaw tonight".

Rinse and repeat.

That's just assuming responsibility though.

You say the OP "needs solutions that help" and "is unlikely to change him".

Not assuming responsibility in the first place is the best idea- and one you do have control over.
I would simply let OH know that I will be late home, or otherwise occupied when his parents arrive.
It is not your responsibiity.

It's not just men. It's that mental health and other issues are seen as a get-out-of-responsibility card and there is zero culture of parents teaching their kids values. This means that some people learn to use mental health and other issues to manipulate. Others learn somehow that they are obligated to nurse those with mental health issues and that it's selfish and not OK to expect anything of those with issue.

Most British parents are great about teaching their kids to say "please" and "thank you," but there's no culture of talking to kids about how to behave. That's how nice people like the OP end up with people like the husband. It's how people like the husband learn that all they have to do is say they have issues and someone else will rush to do everything for them.

It's the same at work. There's really extreme behaviour (mostly from men) and no boundaries. They utter the magic words "mental health" and get things like one-on-one meetings with the head of the entire institution to help them with career progression. Or one-on-one assistance with daily tasks from an executive-level staff member. There are so many other examples that I don't have time to write down. The victims of these people get no help at all and still have to see them every day! And they and the rest of us end up with extra work because the men are "too sick" to do their jobs.

Something that astounds me is that it's still normal to see posters and ads encouraging people to speak out about their issues. Yet there's no expectation or guidance for managing the issues and no concept that maybe many people need better parenting, not care. I find it so overwhelming and pervasive that I'm seriously thinking of moving back overseas.

Send family WhatsApp saying it's a pot-luck dinner: everyone bring a dish and even niece will be happy!

My husband has ADHD too...

Honestly, family life is so hard and busy...and without clear boundaries, so much of the emotional load, planning and organising seems to default to wives as it is...ADHD in your partner just adds a whole new level.

While the temptation might be to fix everything, for the sake of not developing these habits, infantilising him, and protecting your own sanity, you need a plan.

Talk it through with him and agree what the plan will be.

"You keep making arrangements at the last minute without checking in with me. This is frustrating as these arrangements often require work/planning from me, and I haven't had a say in making them. What do you think we should do going forward?"

I guess some of the options you both might consider are -
Whoever agrees to a visit, is responsible for all the hospitality for that visit.
Any visit must be agreed by both of you.

Also -keep a big family calendar. If it isn't on it, it isn't happening. Saves a lot of hassle when he double books you.

Let him experience the natural consequences, it's the only thing that will motivate him to put a system in to avoid problems. I think ADHD men are often better at work than home because the consequences are more significant. Like most men, at home, they are first scaffolded by mothers, then by wives. If you want to retain any respect for him, avoid turning into his mother.

You need to be prepared to sit by, firm boundaries, firm self-respect, when the consequences are realised though. Which can be hard, if pleasing people and maintaining appearances matters to you. Just practice, there's nothing wrong with saying "what a pity we don't have food in for everyone; we had agreed that DH would do this". Don't say, "DH didnt tell me/give me notice etc" as his family will start contacting you directly and everything related to his family and that should be on his list, will become your wife work.

Living with someone with ADHD can be really hard. It's really important to have firm boundaries and know within yourself what is your stuff and what is his.

Ok well it's still a 'school night'. They should visit at the weekend

Excellent idea, then maybe it would stop them inviting themselves for dinner in the first place

DH should keep a supply of these in the freezer so he’s always prepared.

I wouldn't expect there's any expectation for you to "cook", they're coming for "nursery tea" with DC, they have what you planned for DC. Still annoying because of quantities but if it's frozen pizza or fish fingers that's what they get, regardless of the notice.

He either spends this evening shopping and cooking something you can heat up, or he gets a load of pizzas in. Either way, don't be his skivvy.

Each and every time he does it, make him responsible for the planning, cooking and hosting. You’ll find his memory soon improves.

DH has ADHD (and his Dad, nephew etc). I am nicer to him when he completely messes up diaries since he got diagnosed, and he does struggle with it at work as much as at home. But it's still his problem to deal with and sort out if he's forgotten something. Sure, if I can help out and it's not inconvenient, I will. But it's on him.

Three options here if he does it regularly and it pisses you off and you don't feel you should be his lacky to clean up his mess;

1. Get a takeaway
2. Its his responsibility and he cooks - so he has to work out a plan (guarentee he will default to option 1)
3. Have an emergency plan you know works well in the freezer as a matter of routine (Bolgnese and garlic bread is your friend here).

This need not be a problem in future, if you are smart.

By parents who believe cooking is a woman's job.

Spot on.