Page 37 | Friend won't leave kids for a few days with husband

Whattodo17xx · 2023-10-02T09:19:19+00:00

My friend and I are mid 30's. She is married with two kids. I'm getting married next year (no kids). Been friends since we were 8! I am having a very low key wedding, max 16 people and would like to go away with my friend for 1-2 nights somewhere like Paris instead of a hen do next year. Just us two. Her kids will be 7 & nearly 3. Her husband works full time from home. I suggested going away Fri-Sun over the school holidays. She has basically said no because her youngest wouldn't cope that long without her. Is this normal for women not to want to leave their kids at this age? Having no kids it seems OTT to me but then again, I don't know what it's like. AIBU to think she could easily have a few days away with me with a years notice?

Blueflower1612 · 03/10/2023 14:00

It’s perfectly normal to leave your kids for 1 or 2 nights. It’s not like she needs to leave them with someone they don’t know or for weeks on end. It’s literally their other parent. I can’t understand some of these mums that are saying they won’t leave their children at all even for such a short time, that just sounds like clingy parenting to me. The children will be absolutely fine and will hardly notice their
mum isn’t there.

Blueflower1612 · 03/10/2023 14:01

It’s perfectly normal to have a weekend away with friends. It’s not that big an ask.

Blueflower1612 · 03/10/2023 14:02

Why wouldn't you leave your children? I think this is bonkers.

Blueflower1612 · 03/10/2023 14:03

It’s perfectly normal to leave your children for a couple of days. Mums are entitled to a life too. I frequently have to travel with work where it means leaving my child over night. My child is not bothered in the slightest.

EaudeJavel · 03/10/2023 14:11

Blueflower1612 · 03/10/2023 14:03

It’s perfectly normal to leave your children for a couple of days. Mums are entitled to a life too. I frequently have to travel with work where it means leaving my child over night. My child is not bothered in the slightest.

why aren't mum entitled NOT to leave their young children if they don't want to?

Why does "having a life" means to you leaving your children?

Josell12345 · 03/10/2023 14:17

Typed it once but it wouldnt post

Friend won't leave kids for a few days with husband

whatnot929 · 03/10/2023 14:19

EaudeJavel · 03/10/2023 14:11

why aren't mum entitled NOT to leave their young children if they don't want to?

Why does "having a life" means to you leaving your children?

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Nobody has said they aren't. They're arguing against the next level, the martyrs with the judgement and the bullshit.

PandaExpress · 03/10/2023 14:25

GCSister · 03/10/2023 13:54

@PandaExpress so in 20+ years you've not had a night away from your DH or kids? Not for a hen do, birthday or 'just because'?

If a childhood friend invited you away for the weekend for a special occasion would you refuse ( assuming finance isn't an issue)?

Again, I didn't say we hadn't had a night apart on 20+ years. We've both had nights we've had to be away for work etc I would rather not. I especially don't want to leave my kids and be in a different country to them.
If a childhood friend asked me to go away for the weekend, I would refuse. I have and do refuse when friends ask me. I say I don't want to and suggest a night out instead. I don't know why it's so hard for some to understand that lots of us don't want to go away with friends for the weekend and leave our families. We just don't want to and that is normal. Which was the original question the OP asked. Is it normal? Yes.

Cornettoninja · 03/10/2023 14:25

GCSister · 03/10/2023 13:49

I genuinely can’t think of a way it’d come up in conversation but I wouldn’t expect to come out on top if I asked a friend to prioritise my want over what she perceived as her child’s need.

But that's not what I was saying. The comment i responded to was telling the OP not to take it personally if her childhood friend doesn't view the friendship in the same way.........

Yes I know and I expanded further in my reply.

if your friendships, feelings, outlook didn’t change when you had children good for you. Genuinely.

However, it’s completely normal for others to experience a shift. It’s not the only life event that can do that but apparently it’s the ‘one’ that people feel comfortable sitting in judgement on, particularly when they’ve also had children and therefore think their way is the ‘right’ way. Friendships change depending on the lives of the parties involved and if people can’t find their feet with the changes that have happened then they’re probably just not the same sort of friends they used to be. It happens and it doesn’t make anyone the bad guy or less then.

Ultimately harassing people into behaving in a way they don’t want to isn’t friendship either. If someone’s not feeling it then accept what they can offer or move on. 🤷‍♀️

GrapesAreMyJam · 03/10/2023 14:27

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

GCSister · 03/10/2023 14:38

Again, I didn't say we hadn't had a night apart on 20+ years. We've both had nights we've had to be away for work etc I would rather not. I especially don't want to leave my kids and be in a different country to them.
If a childhood friend asked me to go away for the weekend, I would refuse. I have and do refuse when friends ask me. I say I don't want to and suggest a night out instead. I don't know why it's so hard for some to understand that lots of us don't want to go away with friends for the weekend and leave our families. We just don't want to and that is normal. Which was the original question the OP asked. Is it normal? Yes.

I find it interesting, I'm not criticising- each to their own.
I think that actually using the term 'normal' is unhelpful, there is no normal.

Your life is normal for you and I'm sure you'd be horrified at my life as I travel extensively through choice for work and pleasure on my own, with friends and with DH and DS..... but it's my normal.

LittleMissUnreasonable · 03/10/2023 14:40

For me, I've married my best friend and we've created two more best friends. That's who I want to spend the bulk of my time and travel with.
@PandaExpress

What a strange, insular way of living. I used to work with someone like you, her kids felt absolutely stifled by being 'mummys bestie' and constant 'family time'. They all rebelled in their late teens and went off the rails. The woman had made her life so insular that people had dropped off and weren't bothered. You might think you've got loads of friends and are popular now but each time you say 'no' people remember and are less likely to ask you to do anything. Friendships need work and nurture.

whatnot929 · 03/10/2023 14:42

For me, I've married my best friend and we've created two more best friends

Oh puke.

EaudeJavel · 03/10/2023 14:44

whatnot929 · 03/10/2023 14:19

Nobody has said they aren't. They're arguing against the next level, the martyrs with the judgement and the bullshit.

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not really, you have posters falling over themselves to brag on how THEY have a life, THEY go travelling, and that anyone not following is a martyr. Their way is the only way apparently. I am curious why they feel the need to go on an anonymous forum to brag about their independence and look down at anyone who has different priorities.

Blueflower1612 · 03/10/2023 14:49

Obviously it’s the parents choice but to not to leave your children because you think they can’t cope without you is nonsense. It is the mum who is too attached to leave them on their own.

GCSister · 03/10/2023 14:51

Ultimately harassing people into behaving in a way they don’t want to isn’t friendship either. If someone’s not feeling it then accept what they can offer or move on. 🤷‍♀️

Asking one of your closest friends to go away did the weekend is hardly harassment!

whatnot929 · 03/10/2023 14:53

EaudeJavel · 03/10/2023 14:44

not really, you have posters falling over themselves to brag on how THEY have a life, THEY go travelling, and that anyone not following is a martyr. Their way is the only way apparently. I am curious why they feel the need to go on an anonymous forum to brag about their independence and look down at anyone who has different priorities.

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Nah they're not doing that. But if thats how you (and others) are determined to interpret it as, maybe that says something about your own insecurity? Maybe you're not so happy with the stay at home, never ever leave your children or husband life as you say?

Blueflower1612 · 03/10/2023 14:53

It’s not bragging. It’s just how they choose to live their life.

SouthLondonMum22 · 03/10/2023 14:54

EaudeJavel · 03/10/2023 14:44

not really, you have posters falling over themselves to brag on how THEY have a life, THEY go travelling, and that anyone not following is a martyr. Their way is the only way apparently. I am curious why they feel the need to go on an anonymous forum to brag about their independence and look down at anyone who has different priorities.

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The same reason why multiple people have talked about the mums that do leave their children using language such as ''buggering off'', ''self absorbed'', ''selfish'' and implying that the only way to enjoy your children is to never leave them for a weekend away.

....Including yourself.

GCSister · 03/10/2023 14:55

not really, you have posters falling over themselves to brag on how THEY have a life, THEY go travelling, and that anyone not following is a martyr. Their way is the only way apparently. I am curious why they feel the need to go on an anonymous forum to brag about their independence and look down at anyone who has different priorities.

That's your interpretation of those posts. People are just sharing their experiences just like those who don't want to leave their children and husbands at all.

helloeverybod · 03/10/2023 15:01

PandaExpress · 03/10/2023 11:14

I clearly said that it isnt the invitation that is self centred. But the expectation and that if you say you don't want to leave your DCs then it's not normal!
It's not erasing yourself as a woman to enjoy spending time with your family the most. Not when it's what you want!
Also, us mothers who are being asked by friends to go away with them, but don't want to, are clearly still 'filling up our friendship cups' and are fulfilled individuals in our own rights. Otherwise we wouldn't be getting asked by friends in the first place!
For me, I've married my best friend and we've created two more best friends. That's who I want to spend the bulk of my time and travel with.

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That's how I feel too, but obviously that isn't the cool thing to say here on MN.

PandaExpress · 03/10/2023 15:03

LittleMissUnreasonable · 03/10/2023 14:40

For me, I've married my best friend and we've created two more best friends. That's who I want to spend the bulk of my time and travel with.
@PandaExpress

What a strange, insular way of living. I used to work with someone like you, her kids felt absolutely stifled by being 'mummys bestie' and constant 'family time'. They all rebelled in their late teens and went off the rails. The woman had made her life so insular that people had dropped off and weren't bothered. You might think you've got loads of friends and are popular now but each time you say 'no' people remember and are less likely to ask you to do anything. Friendships need work and nurture.

My kids aren't stifled just because I don't want to go away with friends 🤣 They get to go away and have sleepovers etc. I just don't want to leave them and DH, I wouldn't enjoy it!! Why are some people advocating for other women to do things that they wouldn't enjoy?
This is ridiculous 😆 So, unless you are willing to leave your family for the weekend, you can't be a good friend? Behave.

PandaExpress · 03/10/2023 15:06

whatnot929 · 03/10/2023 14:42

For me, I've married my best friend and we've created two more best friends

Oh puke.

Grow up! If your life goal isn't to live happily with your best friend, then don't piss on the parade of people who have achieved it. The sentiment was relevant to thread.

EaudeJavel · 03/10/2023 15:16

whatnot929 · 03/10/2023 14:53

Nah they're not doing that. But if thats how you (and others) are determined to interpret it as, maybe that says something about your own insecurity? Maybe you're not so happy with the stay at home, never ever leave your children or husband life as you say?

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just read the thread, of course some are, and that's what I am replying to.
I defend the right to do whatever you want to do.

I do love your goady post trying to irritate or provoke a reaction, who do you think comes across as insecure here?

EaudeJavel · 03/10/2023 15:19

GCSister · 03/10/2023 14:55

not really, you have posters falling over themselves to brag on how THEY have a life, THEY go travelling, and that anyone not following is a martyr. Their way is the only way apparently. I am curious why they feel the need to go on an anonymous forum to brag about their independence and look down at anyone who has different priorities.

That's your interpretation of those posts. People are just sharing their experiences just like those who don't want to leave their children and husbands at all.

some are.
Some are either trying to start a fight, or are just as usual trying to bring down women who have made different choices.

I can't be bothered to go through and quote the most nasty ones, but you will find them easily.

Some people seem to think that anything child-related is the opposite of having a life or being yourself. It's quite amusing on a parenting forum!