Friend won't leave kids for a few days with husband

[Whattodo17xx]

My friend and I are mid 30's. She is married with two kids. I'm getting married next year (no kids). Been friends since we were 8!

I am having a very low key wedding, max 16 people and would like to go away with my friend for 1-2 nights somewhere like Paris instead of a hen do next year. Just us two. Her kids will be 7 & nearly 3. Her husband works full time from home. I suggested going away Fri-Sun over the school holidays.

She has basically said no because her youngest wouldn't cope that long without her.

Is this normal for women not to want to leave their kids at this age? Having no kids it seems OTT to me but then again, I don't know what it's like.

AIBU to think she could easily have a few days away with me with a years notice?

You can live happily with your husband/partner without them being your best friend.

DH and I have a very different relationship to our best friends.

It’s heading that way imo. You don’t start a thread like this if you accept and trust your friends decisions.

She asked a question, got declined, didn’t like it so came to a forum seeking the opinion of women she knows fuck all about, compared to the answer directly from the lifelong friendship woman. That’s not friendship either is it? What’s the point of that?

In the end it doesn’t matter what the reason for the friends refusal was, it’s OP’s reaction to being told no that’s out of order. If the friendship is done it’s done. It’s not her place to change her friends mind and she’s not obliged to keep being friends with her if she’s not happy with how her friend behaves.

I’m not keen on high maintenance friendships like this though, I’m not responsible for anyone else’s happiness any more than anyone is mine. If people decline an invite that’s up to them, I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it, I’d put a plan b or c into action.

It’s heading that way imo. You don’t start a thread like this if you accept and trust your friends decisions.

What hyperbolic bull.

@Cornettoninja I think she just wanted a sense check as to whether asking a close longstanding friend who happens to be the mother of a 3 year old and a 7 year old to go to Paris for one night with a year's notice was wholly unreasonable.

@Cornettoninja you're just making stuff up! There's no suggestion of that at all 🙄
How ridiculous

The judgements people having been making about the OP throughout this thread have been ridiculous. And now we’ve got this character claiming the OP's behaviour is bordering on harassment, Because she spoke to her friend once about this trip to Paris.

And now we’ve got this character claiming the OP's behaviour is bordering on harassment

character

I didn’t say bordering, I said heading that way. And I maintain it’s really not normal to make such an issue out of being told no.

I agree. OP has done more than I would've done and I have DC.

I would've backed off when her friend insisted on dragging her youngest out to dinner at 8pm.

This comment was in reply to somebody saying 'puke' about me being married to my best friend.

People have different relationships. I said if being married to your best friend isn't your goal, why piss on mine? That's what I wanted and that's what I have. If others don't want that, that's up to them.

I'd hate it if my friend asked me to go away.

I've done my girls trips, all I want to do these days is spend time with my family. That's what becomes not just priority, but preferable.

I find this thread such an eye opener!! Different strokes for different folks and all that, but...

Imagine a thread about how many Dads leave their kids for work/stag dos/ miss bedtimes and the likes. The Mums just have to get on with it. Kid cries? Power through! Kid tantrums? Power through! Up till midnight? Power through!

Although obviously, it's personal preference, and I would respect anyone else's decision on this, however, I do wonder.... why are we, as women (well, mothers), programmed to accept this dynamic!?!

I'd come to Paris with you, OP!

Except in an emergency, I wouldn't have left either of my kids for long when they were less than three years old. It depends what the parents and kids are used to. It can be a big deal.

I left a 5yo with DH for two weeks while I went to be with my mum abroad while she had a surgery for which there was a 50/50 survival rate. Leaving my child was really hard. They're now grown up, but remember that fortnight vividly. They didn't cry inconsolably, but it wasn't easy for them. I had always been their main caregiver, and they were very reliant on me emotionally.

I'm sorry you had to go through that.

However, the phrase "main caregiver" in the context of a relationship where the two parents are living together makes my hackles rise a bit.

If the dads were pulling their weight (which requires effort from them but also willingness on the part of the mums to let them do stuff), there would be no "main caregiver", but two, equally involved and competent parents.

Neither I nor my husband is the "main caregiver" to our children.

I've done my girls trips, all I want to do these days is spend time with my family. That's what becomes not just priority, but preferable.
@YewTree84
Why do you need to have such a personality transplant just because you've walked down an aisle and procreated?
Also it must be confusing to your friends that you suddenly "hate to be asked" when you've done girl trips before. Why make your whole identity mummy/wife when you can have that and also be YewTree/friend/daughter/colleague/insert hobbies here

You'd actually hate it if a childhood friend asked you to do something nice to celebrate her getting married? Just because you happened to get married and have children first??

@LittleMissUnreasonable are you married with kids? Serious question, I just find this interesting.

From my perspective, I've done holidays, nights out, festivals when I was younger. I just have no desire whatsoever to do that stuff now. It's not a personality transplant, it's just moving on and growing up. I enjoy nothing more now that spending time in my family unit, doing stuff with them.

I'd probably have shared your opinion a few years ago.

That was so rude! Why is it a personality transplant, just because you don't want to go away with friends anymore? And you'd rather be with your family?
It's perfectly normal to evolve!
I've got old friends who still want to go out on the pull on a night out. I've not wanted to do that for 20+ years, since I met my DH. I used to though, but now I hate it. Does that mean I've had a personality transplant?

Presumably your friends who still want to go out on the pull are single, or in open relationships, or don't mind cheating on their partners?

I wouldn't expect someone in a relationship to want to go out on the pull, no. But that is a completely different thing to a night out or a weekend away with a female friend, which shouldn't be in any way incompatible with being married or having children.

@GCSister yeah I'd hate it because it'd be a predicament. I'd understand why she wanted the trip but deep down i really wouldn't want to go. Just being honest!

Some mothers are fine with leaving their children for a few days; some aren't. It depends both on the mother's personality, and on how clingy the child is; whether there are any health issues; how reliable their partner is; etc.

I would think it slightly odd not to be prepared to leave a 7-year-old for a few days, unless there are significant special needs or health problems, or you are a single parent. But not at all odd with a 2-or 3-year-old.

In any case, if she feels she can't do this, I think you should accept it with good grace. There may be other reasons as well, that she isn't mentioning; e.g. not being able to afford the trip (not at all unlikely at this time); health problems of her own; even possibly TTC. It's better that she says no now, than agrees now and then finds that she can't make it at the last minute,

@YewTree84
Yes I am a married mother of two (with an older step DD as well) and I'm mid 30s. I was married a bit later than a lot of my friends but I'm so relieved noone disappeared into their family bubbles and still had time for their mates. I don't think it's 'growing up' to stop doing the things you once enjoyed, but more enriching your life by still enjoying these experiences and enjoying family time.

It's the posters implying that people who want to do anything with friends are somehow childish for wanting adult time with other people who aren't just their DH.

It's funny - I actually go away with friends more post children than I did pre children. Not super often - about once or twice a year max and a weekend usually.

I am very much in a best friend type marriage and pre kids, I would always prefer to go away with my DH, he is just my much preferred travelling companion. But post kids since we have no-one to take the kids overnight, if I want a grown up weekend with things my kids wouldn't do (e.g. art museums or whatever), it's either go with friends or alone.

Having said that, I do remember vividly the times my parents went away - both for family reasons. My dad was my primary parent emotionally and I remember wanting him every single night he was away. But I think it's different with me and my DH in that we are pretty equal parents in a way that mine weren't

That was so rude! Why is it a personality transplant, just because you don't want to go away with friends anymore? And you'd rather be with your family?
@PandaExpress I wasn't referring to you, who seems to really dislike the concept of friends, but rather the previous poster who enjoyed doing things with friends until she married and had kids. I was wondering as it seemed a complete 180 from her old interests. Why not enjoy both. Why does it have to be "friends" or "DH/kids".

You'd hate just to be asked? Even if your friend totally accepted your refusal?

Hating to be nagged about it, or to be treated as though your inability to attend was a slight on them, YES.

@YewTree84 would you go though?
I've got to be honest, I'd find it quite hurtful if I'd supported friends through weddings etc but when it came to mine they refused to attend my hen do.