Friend won't leave kids for a few days with husband

[Whattodo17xx]

My friend and I are mid 30's. She is married with two kids. I'm getting married next year (no kids). Been friends since we were 8!

I am having a very low key wedding, max 16 people and would like to go away with my friend for 1-2 nights somewhere like Paris instead of a hen do next year. Just us two. Her kids will be 7 & nearly 3. Her husband works full time from home. I suggested going away Fri-Sun over the school holidays.

She has basically said no because her youngest wouldn't cope that long without her.

Is this normal for women not to want to leave their kids at this age? Having no kids it seems OTT to me but then again, I don't know what it's like.

AIBU to think she could easily have a few days away with me with a years notice?

@PandaExpress

you must be happy when you’re with your friends too though - they’re your friends! You can enjoy spending time with both - your family and your friends 😀which is probably exactly OP’s thinking. Not sure how anyone could find that unreasonable

I've never left my 3 year old. If I was doing it for the first time, it would be a very big deal for me, and might end up declining. I think that's quite normal.

I enjoy spending time with my friends yes. A night out or day out together, great. But no more than that. My DH and kids are my best friends. We have the best time together. 'Weekend in Paris' money would be spent travelling with them. If I went with a friend, I'd spend most of the time wishing I was with my family.

My children are quite a bit older and no way would I leave them and go to another country for a couple of days. Absolutely not. I'd miss them, they'd miss me. I wouldn't enjoy it because I'd want to show them the sights. I am happiest when I'm with my children and DH. If I'm spending hundreds on a weekend away, it's going to be spent with them!

Does it have to be either/or though?
You can enjoy the company of your friends as well as your DH/kids.

Leaving your 3 and 7 year olds and buggering off to Paris with your friend. That might be normal for some people, but it's definitely not to me. I personally think it's self centred to expect her to leave her young children like that.

Self centred! Lol ..... wow. It's really not.
I've 'buggered off' all over the world without DS and I've enjoyed every single trip. Does that make me a worse parent than you ? No, it does not.
You can 'bugger off' with your judgement 🙄

there can absolutely be an air of judgement which implies that mothers have to give absolutely everything up once they become mothers or they are apparently selfish, self absorbed, emotionally stunted divas who don't enjoy their children according to some on this thread

it’s a scale isn’t it - from self cantered diva to destined to be lonely martyr with both ends chucking highly insulting judgement at one another.

it’s why I don’t like the premise of the thread at all. What others do or don’t do has no bearing at all on the OP’s friend. She’s made an offer and had an answer. That’s it.

I wouldn’t advise reading this thread then going back to her friend thinking she’s armed to argue her case when all she’s doing is wading into a highly contentious issue with an opinion that hasn’t been asked for. If this is a boundary for the limits of her friendship, that’s up to her but it’s going to invite her friend to consider what kind of friend op is too. If it’s at the end of the road I wouldn’t be particularly bothered personally but OP might be. I would be more inclined to put things on a back burner and leave things open to see if life circumstances align again in the future for an old friend.

Family obligations change, although I do think it’s interesting that I spent a large chunk of my 20’s and 30’s caring/supporting a parent which had huge impacts on my social availability and friendships but no one ever said that I was going to end up lonely and with nothing because of circumstances (I worried about it but I never experienced the same judgement as I did when I did have dc). It’s almost unique to parenting obligations that people feel free to make some pretty savage judgements on other women.

But I did see my friends and go on trips! I just didn't do these things in such a way that meant I had to leave my children. I tended to meet my friends while our children were at school (and with our children when they were babies/toddlers). I am sure there is some martyrdom that goes on, but I think there are huge numbers of women who just don't want to do it. It isn't a question of martyring themselves or "missing out" - it's just the way they feel. Other women feel differently. Neither is wrong, but if you're in the "I wouldn't want to leave them" camp, it's a bit annoying to be told that you're martyring yourself. In the same way that I wouldn't tell a mother of young children who wanted to go away for a few days that she was being selfish.

You can't draw water from an empty well! The mothers who do want to see friends, have breaks, engage in hobbies should not be shamed or judged!

How dare people say it is self-centred to actually want a life/existence/identity outside of mummy. That is what is fundamentally wrong with society today - there is still this underlying nastiness of women judging mothers who want a life outside of 24/7/365 on active mother duty!

How on earth can women expect men and society to respect them as individuals if their own sex is so judgemental. Hang your head in shame! Have we not fought long and hard enough to try and be equal. If you judge women for having a couple of days to themselves god love the little girls you are raising.

@Marblessolveeverything no comment on judgement the other way? Or is calling women martyrs and making predictions they’ll end up unhappy and lonely as a direct consequence of their choice a-ok?

I clearly said that travelling without the kids is 'not normal to me'
The OP is suggesting it's not normal to not want to leave your kids, as have other posters. I disagree. So what?

And I do think it's self centred when friends who are getting married, or having a big birthday, or whatever, plan a grand weekend away somewhere and expect you to leave your kids and spend a big chunk of money on it (that could be spent on doing things with the kids) Asking you isn't the self centred part. It's the expectation that if you don't want to do it, then you're not normal! As proved my this OP making a thread about it!

no one said it was that hard

but you are all jumping to conclusion that the friend CANNOT (or feel she can't ), while maybe, she just DOESN'T WANT to?

What I find staggering is that most of you can't understand that other mums have other preferences. You make time for yourself a certain way, that's great, but why do you think everyone should want to do similar?

Some people can't think of a better way to spend evenings and weekends curled on the sofa watching Netflix and the rest. I personally can't think of anything worst. Neither of us are martyrs!

Being your own person doesn't mean fitting your mould.

Depends on the child I guess. DD1 would have been fine. DD2 and DS would have coped but not been happy. DD2 and DS have additional needs too so would have been a lot for DH.
DDs are teenagers now but DS is 3 but is more on the "scale " of an 18 month old so I wouldn't leave him.
Out of interest does your friend have any child free time because if not it might be more that she can't cope for 2 nights without them?
Whatever the reason though she's said no so you have to accept that. Are you inviting her to the wedding?

@PandaExpress it's really not self centred to invite a close friend for a weekend away to celebrate a big occasion. It's fine to say no, but it's not self centred to suggest it in the first place.
It's perfectly normal for people to want to mark big occasions in their life with friends as well as partners and children.

I love travelling with DH and DS but that doesn't mean I should never, ever travel anywhere without them.

I've 'buggered off' all over the world without DS and I've enjoyed every single trip. Does that make me a worse parent than you ? No, it does not.
You can 'bugger off' with your judgement 🙄

it doesn't make you a better parent either. You sound like you feel superior because of your travel leaving your kids, why is that?

You enjoy your trips, other people enjoy their family trip. The only ones judging are people like you who are shouting a bit too loud about their "independence". I don't need to prove or justify anything, that's the difference.

How many times!

The OP did not say her friend wasn’t normal. She started the thread to ask other parents if this was normal.

'Is this normal for women not to want to leave their kids at this age? Having no kids it seems OTT to me but then again, I don't know what it's like.'

Can you really not see the difference?

I’m not sure if people have trouble with reading comprehension, are too lazy to read her posts properly, or are twisting her words because it suits them.

Whichever it is it’s tiresome.

And if I'm honest, I don't think it's normal or healthy to stop doing things with friends just because you now have children. I think that would make you a pretty poor friend.

it doesn't make you a better parent either. You sound like you feel superior because of your travel leaving your kids, why is that?

Nope, never said it makes me a better parent but I really do object to people using judgemental language towards mothers that decide to not devote themselves 24/7 to being a parent.
The poster I replied to used the phrase 'bugger off' and 'self centred' and it SCREAMS judgement.

You enjoy your trips, other people enjoy their family trip. The only ones judging are people like you who are shouting a bit too loud about their "independence". I don't need to prove or justify anything, that's the difference.
I'm not shouting loud about anything.... I think you're reading far too much into what I've written.
I don't need to prove or justify anything, I'm perfectly content with how I've chosen to live my life.

Is this normal for women not to want to leave their kids at this age?

ok then, the answer is yes. It’s within the realms of normal.

No further analysis needed.

The OP says the children will be 7 and almost three, so two.

I agree with PPs, you ABU. My children are younger than your friend's (4yo and 4month old) but I also wouldn't agree to the trip if they were the same age.

You also mentioned a low-key wedding. If you're eloping somewhere far, I'd ask if she'd feel comfortable attending without her children so you know exactly what you should expect from her involvement.

I don't need to prove or justify anything, I'm perfectly content with how I've chosen to live my life.

so are people who chose to do it differently, but apparently they are "martyr" and victims and worst expletive shouted on this thread.

I object to people who use judgmental languages towards mothers who are choosing to prioritise family time for a few years.

Please tell me where I've called someone a martyr?

I haven't, so go and pick apart their posts instead of mine which is calling out judgemental comments about how I've chosen to live my life .....

Her friends children have been invited to the wedding .......

OP has already said that the friend's children are invited to the wedding.

No, I wouldn't leave a 3 or 4 year old for a few days with their dad or anyone else. A night out, yes; overnight, yes if unavoidable; a few days, no. I wouldn't criticise anyone who did, but I don't think it's at all unusual not to want to do this.

it doesn't make you a better parent either. You sound like you feel superior because of your travel leaving your kids, why is that?

Makes me a better parent for sure. In the early days with the oldest ones, when I glued myself to them, and believed that I was a good parent for always putting them just not first but only, I was not as good a parent as when I realised I was still allowed to be a person with my own interests.
Now that I take time for myself, cultivate my friendships, and travel and have fun, I'm a FAR better parent than I was.