Friend won't leave kids for a few days with husband

[Whattodo17xx]

My friend and I are mid 30's. She is married with two kids. I'm getting married next year (no kids). Been friends since we were 8!

I am having a very low key wedding, max 16 people and would like to go away with my friend for 1-2 nights somewhere like Paris instead of a hen do next year. Just us two. Her kids will be 7 & nearly 3. Her husband works full time from home. I suggested going away Fri-Sun over the school holidays.

She has basically said no because her youngest wouldn't cope that long without her.

Is this normal for women not to want to leave their kids at this age? Having no kids it seems OTT to me but then again, I don't know what it's like.

AIBU to think she could easily have a few days away with me with a years notice?

"A sad indication of how the family functions" wow!!! I think if you read a lot of other posters comments theres a lot of people who dont like to leave their young kids. My youngest is 17 and when he was under 12 I didnt like to leave him and when under 7 I didnt leave him-AT ALL. I just thought who am I doing it for? I dont want to, he doesnt want me to so who am I pleasing? Now at 17 he is a confident happy young man who will go off on his own but equally happy to be at home. So I think my family functions and functioned rather well.

I'm so glad i didn't grow up in a family like this. Obviously we had our family time, but we also had trips with just dad, or just mum or with friends parents and auntys. We had plenty of time apart and together, i have great memories away from just our 'bubble' as well as our family trips.

good for you, but we are not all the same, are we?

You read about women who are bored to tears during maternity leave, others like me who felt it was an amazingly long holiday. No one is right or wrong. I loved maternity leave so much I didn't go back to work for long and became a SAHM, so it's still nearly a holiday 😂

If I had felt I wasn't my own person, things might have been different.
But the comments about "martyrs" you read on the thread are stupid, and unnecessary. Some mothers do struggle and the last thing they need is to be put down.

if you have such great memories, I am guessing you were not 3 years old...

I clearly said that it isnt the invitation that is self centred. But the expectation and that if you say you don't want to leave your DCs then it's not normal!
It's not erasing yourself as a woman to enjoy spending time with your family the most. Not when it's what you want!
Also, us mothers who are being asked by friends to go away with them, but don't want to, are clearly still 'filling up our friendship cups' and are fulfilled individuals in our own rights. Otherwise we wouldn't be getting asked by friends in the first place!
For me, I've married my best friend and we've created two more best friends. That's who I want to spend the bulk of my time and travel with.

I must have missed that! At least she knows she'll be able to spend the day celebrating then with DF, if she can't find an alternative to her proposed trip.

Who said that my DC 'only' travel with me and DH? We also go on big family holidays with extended family and friends. They've both individually been away without us and we've spent that time having doing fun stuff with the child left at home.

It was all ages throughout our entire childhood, mum was off competing a couple of times a month leaving me and my brothers with our father, as young as 6 months easily.

She says the trip will be next year, at which time the children will be 7 and nearly 3 (ie 2). So I’m assuming they are currently 6 and 1.

This is so absolutely bonkers I don’t know what to say.

I think children under age of 5 are all so different and have different needs. At 3years getting my daughter to sleep was still very un predictable and she still wasn't reliably sleeping all the way through without sometimes waking in the night and asking for mummy. For my husband it would be really tiring trying to get the children to sleep without me (main caregiver) there and then a whole weekend looking after them alone and then he would be straight back to work with no break himself. Perhaps your friend just doesn't want to leave him in that situation just yet if can't be helped. A year makes a big difference in children though and with my children at 5yrs and 8yrs now it's much easier. I went on my first weekend away this year without the kids and left them with my husband. I didn't want to before then.

Don't take it personally, it won't neccesarilly be a reflection on your friendship just that she has children as number 1 at the moment. Give her time.

Yet you have used judgemental language yourself about mothers who do go away without their children.

Absolutely depends on the child. My eldest would not have been bothered at all. My youngest would have pinned for me and been very upset. All kids are different. There is no normal

I wouldn't leave mine, to be honest. I would miss them and my dh very much. I wouldn't take it personally; some people value friendships a lot and some see them as an extension, but not a focal point of their lives and some people just aren't bothered about friendships at all. It doesn't mean that she doesn't necessarily care about the friendship, just probably not as strongly as you, or in a different way to you.

Also, if I were to go on a weekend away, I'd want to do it with my kids and dh, or at least just with dh.

For me, I've married my best friend and we've created two more best friends. That's who I want to spend the bulk of my time and travel with.

Out of curiosity I'm wondering does your DH feels the same? Do you and your DH share exactly the same interests and therefore you both have all your needs met, or is there some compromising?

My DH goes away 2/3 times a year with his friends to engage in a hobby which holds no interest for me! It's great that he gets to do that and it's great that I don't have to 😂😂

On the flip side DH encouraged and supported me in taking a job that involves international travel.

It doesn't mean that she doesn't necessarily care about the friendship, just probably not as strongly as you, or in a different way to you.

It's difficult not to take that personally surely?

My feelings about my friends or friendship didn't change when I had children. I think if one of my friends told me she didn't feel as strongly about our friendship once she'd had children I think that would be hard not to take personally.

Every mum is different and every child is too. Plus you don't know what her home life is like in detail. Maybe she's too anxious to enjoy being away from them, maybe she thinks her partner is crap with them, maybe her youngest is going through a really bad clingy stage.
I get that you're sad about it but her priorities are not the same as yours. Sorry for your loss

@PandaExpress

its good to have more friends than just one best one - don’t put all your eggs in one basket and that!
and also your children aren’t your friends - they are your children! Your friends are your friends! Im sure you can make the time to enjoy spending time both not just one or the other

Obviously I haven't put all my eggs in one basket, which is why I have friends who are close enough to ask me to go away with them, but I choose not to.
I am my children's parent, they know and respect that. They are my best friends too. Just like my husband is my lover and my best friend. It doesn't have to be one or the other.

I genuinely can’t think of a way it’d come up in conversation but I wouldn’t expect to come out on top if I asked a friend to prioritise my want over what she perceived as her child’s need.

fwiw, I don’t think it’s a case of changing feelings about friends when children are on the scene, I think it’s more about people finding it harder to balance demands on their time and other resources. Maybe these friends were putting in a lot of themselves beforehand and just can’t spread themselves thinner once they have responsibility for a young child. Some peoples baseline is actually a huge effort for others.

@GCSister Yes my DH feels the same. We enjoy the same things, so its easy to cater to us all. Apart from him liking some bands I dont like, so he'll go to gigs with friends. I'll go out with my friends to the theatre because hes not a fan. And we both have random nights out with our own friends, then come home at the end of the night.
We've been together 20+ years, so it's working.
We do have friends, we have rich social lives. We just don't choose to have weekends away from each other or our kids. We don't want to.

She says the trip will be next year, at which time the children will be 7 and nearly 3 (ie 2). So I’m assuming they are currently 6 and 1.

They do change a lot at this age - and there may be reasons poor bed time or maybe bf as I bf my younger ones past aged one but stopped answering questions after about if we'd stopped as frankly didn't need the judgmental pressure.

It's odd early weaning stopping bf getting them into their own room ditching pushchairs ( no car so did this later than many ) - so much external pressure to get them independent supposedly for your and their benefit - and yet people who applied this pressure were ones who tried to baby my teens.

PFB was just before 5 before I spent a night away - well she went to DGP - but when she was older I had no issue waving her off on school trips even one aboard and have just happily waved her off to university where she is doing well and is quietly confident with life skills she needs- I'm not devastated like these people predicted or actually were themselves. Other kids and parents are fine with overnights at younger ages it's very individualistic.

OP problem is does she wait around hoping her friend can get away and find time for her in the future - or does she move on prioritizing others who are able to do the trips and events she wants.

OP last plan keep a door open for old friend nearby dinner and hope maybe things will improve with older kids - and then do original plan of Paris with others sounds best for her.

@PandaExpress

We do have friends, we have rich social lives. We just don't choose to have weekends away from each other or our kids. We don't want to.”

not even for a special occasion?!

OP is only gonna get married once, it’s one weekend! All the other weekends OP’s mate can be with her husband and kids. It’s a one off!

I genuinely can’t think of a way it’d come up in conversation but I wouldn’t expect to come out on top if I asked a friend to prioritise my want over what she perceived as her child’s need.

But that's not what I was saying. The comment i responded to was telling the OP not to take it personally if her childhood friend doesn't view the friendship in the same way.........

@PandaExpress so in 20+ years you've not had a night away from your DH or kids? Not for a hen do, birthday or 'just because'?

If a childhood friend invited you away for the weekend for a special occasion would you refuse ( assuming finance isn't an issue)?