Page 10 | As a man, should I post on MN

Dadfromthesea · 2023-10-02T09:03:33+00:00

I love the MN forums. More often than not I just read them, as they’re useful from a parenting point of view and often very funny to boot. I occasionally comment. I’ve started one thread ever, before this one. Saw a thread this morning about a perceived rise in ‘women hating’ men posting on here. I’m definitely not one of those, and would be mortified to come across as one. But before long the thread started talking about men in general, and whether or not they should be posting at all on a forum called Mumsnet that’s predominantly aimed at women. I get the need for women-only spaces, and would hate to intrude on one unintentionally. So as a man, as a dad, am I being unreasonable by posting on Mumsnet? If the consensus is that I am, then I’ll stop.

Tetchypants · 03/10/2023 12:30

SpicyTomatos · 03/10/2023 12:24

Depressing thread for 2023.

Perhaps @MNHQ could provide some clarity.

Good point. It’s Mumsnet but not just for mums. It’s by parents for parents but not just for parents. If we have to kick out the parents with penises, do we also kick out the people who don’t have children? Should we cancel all the threads that aren’t strictly about parenting?

No, of course not.
Yes, it’s bloody depressing.

Rubyruby2222 · 03/10/2023 12:30

@Tetchypants

It’s “by parents, for parents” so no I don’t think any good parent should feel they have to leave.

I think I'm just fortunate that the men/dads that I know, would appreciate that a chat board labelled "MUMsnet" wasn't for them.

They wouldn't feel an entitlement based on a technicality. 🤷🏻‍♀️

ErrolTheDragon · 03/10/2023 12:31

Thought experiment... given that MN has various boards intended to serve specific demographics (Black MNers, Childfree, Dadsnet ...) would it be a good idea for MNHQ to come up with some boards that are explicitly intended to be for women only? How could they manage that in practice? What women-only boards would you value?
I don't use the Sex board, but it sounds like it might be useful to have a women's only (and men's only, if only to avoid the obvious complaints) as well as the mixed sex one?

WomanHereHear · 03/10/2023 12:31

Obv now it’s marketed as being for everyone I’m not denying that but we have to ask ourselves why it’s all inclusive but then for parents but for child free people, they really need to update the taglines

Tetchypants · 03/10/2023 12:32

Rubyruby2222 · 03/10/2023 12:30

@Tetchypants

It’s “by parents, for parents” so no I don’t think any good parent should feel they have to leave.

I think I'm just fortunate that the men/dads that I know, would appreciate that a chat board labelled "MUMsnet" wasn't for them.

They wouldn't feel an entitlement based on a technicality. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I doubt most of the men in my life know it exists or would dream of joining here. But the widowed one, yes, and I categorically defend his right to use it.

ErrolTheDragon · 03/10/2023 12:34

They wouldn't feel an entitlement based on a technicality.

It really isn't a 'technicality'. I think some are reading too much into a name probably chosen for catchiness rather than intended as a prescriptive description.

Finlesswonder · 03/10/2023 12:35

Well unpopular view I guess but here goes.

Everybody understand by now that although it started for mums, mumsnet isn't for mums. It's for women.

Yeah, I do think that there is a particular vibe to it being home to only women. Sometimes nasty, sometimes hilarious, sometimes so supportive. Like having a massive circle of sisters (some of whom you loathe) there to give you advice on boobs, babies, career stuff, fashion stuff, just to bitch about life with, to comfort you, to share a moment of hilarity with.

Yeah, I do think having men changes that dynamic

Finlesswonder · 03/10/2023 12:37

I mean, if men are appropriate in a self-formed female-only space, then why don't we all just go hang out in the Black Mumsnetters section? What's the difference?

WomanHereHear · 03/10/2023 12:37

Yes and also topics on philosophy and science and theology etc yes these aren’t female specific topics but it’s nice to just talk to women we don’t need men present to have ‘intelligent’ debates

ErrolTheDragon · 03/10/2023 12:39

Everybody understand by now that although it started for mums, mumsnet isn't for mums. It's for women.

No, everyone doesn't understand that, as it's simply not true. MNHQ quite clearly doesn't 'understand' that.

Rubyruby2222 · 03/10/2023 12:43

ErrolTheDragon · 03/10/2023 12:39

Everybody understand by now that although it started for mums, mumsnet isn't for mums. It's for women.

No, everyone doesn't understand that, as it's simply not true. MNHQ quite clearly doesn't 'understand' that.

What bit isn't true?

That it's generally understood that it's for women?

Finlesswonder · 03/10/2023 12:44

@ErrolTheDragon
Really?

StephanieSuperpowers · 03/10/2023 12:49

Why don’t men go ask questions in men’s forums because they prefer women to do the mental labour for them or they like the attention they get. Nothing wrong with men being on here despite there being Dadsnet too which doesn’t seem very busy surprise surprise. If this space started off all inclusive it wouldn’t be what it is today imo.

And ultimately, that's the point, really. Men - dads - whatever haven't made these spaces for themselves and each other. It's not like there aren't a trillion websites utterly dominated by men and their interests. So I suppose one could wonder whether if men are completely welcome at all times without reservation here and it becomes another men forum, where do the women who make mumsnet a place with a very different personality go? I don't want to post on Ostensibly For Parents Pistonheads.

ErrolTheDragon · 03/10/2023 12:50

Finlesswonder · 03/10/2023 12:44

@ErrolTheDragon
Really?

Its unlikely MNHQ would have used the OPs first thread in their last talk roundup if they had any objection to male posters. They also have had male mods.

Despite its name, MN simply never has been only for women in general or mums in particular.

Tetchypants · 03/10/2023 12:57

Parents.

Finlesswonder · 03/10/2023 12:59

@ErrolTheDragon
I'm not interested in how it started out, I'm interested in present-day facts, and as of 2022, 90% of users were women.

Pretendordrown · 03/10/2023 13:04

Assuming you decide to post, whether to be openly male is tricky.

I found that when I openly posted as a man not only did I receive quite a lot gratuitous abuse but I also felt that my post was often discounted. Say the same things without revealing your gender and MN usually takes your point more seriously.
When considering the feelings of the women who don't want men here, if they don't know you are a man and you are being polite and considered then it is pretty difficult for them to be discomforted.

ErrolTheDragon · 03/10/2023 13:05

Finlesswonder · 03/10/2023 12:59

@ErrolTheDragon
I'm not interested in how it started out, I'm interested in present-day facts, and as of 2022, 90% of users were women.

And the present day fact is that the site is still open to anyone who can post within guidelines.

I'm delighted it's very much a majority women's site, that men are allowed but haven't taken over.

I'd be delighted if there was also a site that really was just for women, but whether we like it or not, MN isn't it.

beastlyslumber · 03/10/2023 13:10

Pretendordrown · 03/10/2023 13:04

Assuming you decide to post, whether to be openly male is tricky.

I found that when I openly posted as a man not only did I receive quite a lot gratuitous abuse but I also felt that my post was often discounted. Say the same things without revealing your gender and MN usually takes your point more seriously.
When considering the feelings of the women who don't want men here, if they don't know you are a man and you are being polite and considered then it is pretty difficult for them to be discomforted.

"Gratuitous abuse" just for being a man, eh? I think I'm going to file that in the Never Happened bin.

As for pretending to be a woman - that's gross, but it does seem to be what many men do. Post in sex or relationships pretending to be female while gaslighting and victim blaming or leching on the posters.

I think it's clear that most decent men wouldn't dream of posting on MN in any capacity. And we have every right to be suspicious or disdainful of those men who pretend to be women on here.

Rubyruby2222 · 03/10/2023 13:13

Pretendordrown · 03/10/2023 13:04

Assuming you decide to post, whether to be openly male is tricky.

I found that when I openly posted as a man not only did I receive quite a lot gratuitous abuse but I also felt that my post was often discounted. Say the same things without revealing your gender and MN usually takes your point more seriously.
When considering the feelings of the women who don't want men here, if they don't know you are a man and you are being polite and considered then it is pretty difficult for them to be discomforted.

I'm confused why you would want to post in a place in which you felt you needed to deceive the other posters in to being taken seriously?

Pretendordrown · 03/10/2023 13:16

beastlyslumber · 03/10/2023 13:10

"Gratuitous abuse" just for being a man, eh? I think I'm going to file that in the Never Happened bin.

As for pretending to be a woman - that's gross, but it does seem to be what many men do. Post in sex or relationships pretending to be female while gaslighting and victim blaming or leching on the posters.

I think it's clear that most decent men wouldn't dream of posting on MN in any capacity. And we have every right to be suspicious or disdainful of those men who pretend to be women on here.

Show quote history

Bingo. You just proved my point.

I'm a man therefore, I'm a liar. I post on MN therefore I can't be a decent man.

If I want my views listened to rather than filed in the bin that never happened, I have to hide my gender/sex. You couldn't make it up.

ErrolTheDragon · 03/10/2023 13:20

If I want my views listened to rather than filed in the bin that never happened, I have to hide my gender/sex. You couldn't make it up.

Do you think women don't know all about what you experienced? Let's just edit what you said ..

I found that when I openly posted as a woman not only did I receive quite a lot gratuitous abuse but I also felt that my post was often discounted. Say the same things without revealing your gender and Reddit/Twitter/etc/etc usually takes your point more seriously.

I actually think it's quite good for blokes to be exposed to the experience of being 'the second sex', 'the other' - hopefully at least some will reflect on this.

Rubyruby2222 · 03/10/2023 13:22

@Pretendordrown

*Bingo. You just proved my point.

I'm a man therefore, I'm a liar. I post on MN therefore I can't be a decent man.

If I want my views listened to rather than filed in the bin that never happened, I have to hide my gender/sex. You couldn't make it up.*

Erm... no, the point isn't made at all. Do you think women on here aren't accused of being liars?

Why do you deceive people online by hiding that you are a man?

beastlyslumber · 03/10/2023 13:22

I'm a man therefore, I'm a liar. I post on MN therefore I can't be a decent man.

I didn't say any of that. You're making shit up. Is this what you mean by "gratuitous abuse" - women calling out your bullshit and you then pretending they've said something they haven't?

OneTC · 03/10/2023 13:31

I personally see Mumsnet as being quite separate to AIBU, which is just a funny site where there's some interesting debates and genuinely funny posters. I do read FWR and some other boards but don't post there. If there was any other site that was as busy and interesting (with old school formatting) I'd probably post there