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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FiL asked me to check his will

462 replies

EE1980 · 01/10/2023 22:17

I'm not a probate lawyer

FiL asked me to check that his will reflects his intentions. He'd got a probate lawyer to draft it.

I asked him if he was sure he wanted me to check it. I pointed out I didn't do probate and being married to his son means I'm not independent.

He said he was fine with me reviewing it.

So he has left everything to his eldest son (not my husband). The house and land and furniture. Not one thing set aside my husband - nothing sentimental.

They're all very close and loving so not fall out. My husband is hurt. Will never say he is. Loves his parents and wouldn't want anything from them (though happy to take from mine).

Was it a bit unreasonable for my FiL to ask me to review his will when my husband os left out completely?

OP posts:
MariePaperRoses · 01/10/2023 23:16

Why would you not say,

'I've read it all but don't know why you asked me to as I would have thought both your sons would inherit equally but you've left everything to XXXX'

That's not remotely offensive.

EyesOnThePies · 01/10/2023 23:16

Can DH not at least say “Dad, just so I understand, what is your thinking in leaving everything to DBro?”

What does MIL’s Will say?

pippinsleftleg · 01/10/2023 23:17

Oblomov23 · 01/10/2023 23:12

This thread is a fucking wind up. OP in her latest update has just admitted she's already told her DH.

but she never made clear in any of her other posts before. so this is just a joke.

Her first post says her husband is hurt.

Catastrophejane · 01/10/2023 23:17

Your FIL sounds like a very nasty man- no way was this innocent. It was meant to cause hurt to your DH.

It’s almost as if he couldn’t bear to miss out on seeing the pain he’d cause once he was dead.

Also - am assuming you aren’t in Scotland? From my personal experience you can’t legally write children out of your will in Scots law. I’m not sure about England though…

Original poster
EE1980 · 01/10/2023 23:17

Thanks all. This is not normal to me either.

Not a wind up @Oblomov23 my second post I said my DH was sitting next to me when I read the will.

OP posts:
Nanaof1 · 01/10/2023 23:18

EE1980 · 01/10/2023 22:31

No backstory really close loving family. All get on really well. All doing same financially in family. None richer than other.

Well, look at it this way. When they get old and they need care and turn to you to give it, you can share your written memoirs with them that has a chapter on how you won't be looking after MIL-FIL since they are cruel, manipulative people who don't deserve your care or attention.
The FIL had you review his will for no other reason than to hurt his one son, your DH. Your DH and you may feel you have a great relationship but it's obvious you really do not, as parents/IL who love and care for their children, would never hurt them, no matter their age.

sykadelic · 01/10/2023 23:19

I personally would speak to your FIL because though he asked you to check it matched his intentions, there may be another factor he hadn't considered.

Usually when writing Wills (many moons ago for me now) there would be a list of questions. So names of kids, any assets of value (e.g. houses, vehicles, boats, land, jewellery, etc). They also encourage listing any life insurance, bank accounts etc in a separate list (come probate time it's helpful to have that on hand).

Also, typically there has to be referenced of "X is intentionally excluded from this Last Will and Testament" so that there's no chance to challenge and say "He forgot to list me", a big reason people try and challenge a Will (aside from competency)

So I'd word it like:

  • Have you considered what happens to your (insert sentimental item)
  • Have you considered the grandkids?
  • Have you considered your bank accounts? Life insurance, vehicles, etc.,
  • Have you considered what happens to X if you predecease? Your wife doesn't have to do what you want

My dad passed first. We assumed that mum would follow Dads wishes when he died (within reason of course) for the sentimental items and what not. She didn't... and she didn't have to. Because, as normally happens, dad left everything to Mum if he predeceased so his wishes became irrelevant.

Original poster
EE1980 · 01/10/2023 23:19

It's left to one child so that it remains in the family. Not a farm. What it means in reality though is that the person who inherits just rents out the property and gets an income.

OP posts:
RoseBucket · 01/10/2023 23:20

That’s very old fashioned, is he old school, old money?

Aquamarine1029 · 01/10/2023 23:20

EE1980 · 01/10/2023 23:12

@Aquamarine1029 I know. However I would be ostracised and isolated if I did. Perhaps DH would even divorce me. Painted as greedy and grabby. I'm controlled. I can't say anything in these circumstances hence I'm telling Mumsnet.

If any of this is true then you need to get divorced as soon as possible. If you are being controlled, you are being abused.

BarbieKew · 01/10/2023 23:20

I can’t imagine not saying something at the time. A simple “what about Mr EE1980?” would have opened up the discussion rather than leaving an awkward time gap.

Why do the parents think this is ok?
Is it cultural, traditional, financial?

Original poster
EE1980 · 01/10/2023 23:23

@Aquamarine1029 Ive my own money and property. I work in a professional job but at home with DH and his family there are things you don't say or talk about and that includes money and people you don't like.

OP posts:
Dottymug · 01/10/2023 23:23

This is illegal in Scotland, so I take it you're not there. Weird that it isn't illegal in England too. It's so wrong.

Somanycats · 01/10/2023 23:24

Madness. What culture are you from op? None of this makes any sense. You can challenge it with fil. You can challenge how things are with your husband and you can tell them to stick anymore shitty behaviour where the sun don't shine. Oh and although it might be difficult, you can divorce.

Mari9999 · 01/10/2023 23:24

@EE1980
It seems that your FIL trust you enough to have you read and interpret a personal document. If he had an attorney draft the document, he should have reasonably confident that it reflected his intentions.

He may have been just trying to ensure that you and your husband are informed and prepared prior to his passing so as to avoid any acrimony and conflict upon his passing.

As he was not seeking your opinion regarding the disposition of his assets, but was instead ensuring that you fully understood his plans, there really isn't any reason for you to say anything.

Your husband may have a much better understanding as to the reason for this than do you. He seems to have made his peace with this, it would be advisable for you to do the same.

If your in-laws have been kind and generous to you during their lifetime, what they do with their assets in their will should be of concern only to them.

saraclara · 01/10/2023 23:25

Oblomov23 · 01/10/2023 23:12

This thread is a fucking wind up. OP in her latest update has just admitted she's already told her DH.

but she never made clear in any of her other posts before. so this is just a joke.

OP mentioned early in the thread that her DH was sat next to her so knew what it said. She's mentioned it several times now. You clearly haven't read all her posts.

Original poster
EE1980 · 01/10/2023 23:25

@BarbieKew it's all those things. Again - DH happy to take money from my parents and for me to know my parents are splitting everything equally and we're open with each-other about everything but I think he thinks his family are better than mine.

OP posts:
CherrySocks · 01/10/2023 23:25

In your first post OP you say your husband is happy to take from your parents.

That sounds a bit off in itself. Could it be that FIL thinks you as a couple are going to inherit from your parents?

Raincloudsonasunnyday · 01/10/2023 23:25

Your FIL is either:

  1. a coward who doesn’t want to tell your DH to his face he’s getting nothing; or
  2. testing your reaction to see if you’re grabby.

He had a solicitor write the will. He didn’t need you to check it. He can have the solicitor write a different will, if he’s satisfied you’ll be happy with whatever he changes it to - it can’t be worse than nothing after all. Whatever the case, this underhand, cowardly and condescending way of treating you is pretty pathetic. Try to put it out of your mind. He’s not going to change.

As for whether it’s okay for your DH to accept money from your parents but not ask for any from his: as you say, your PILs are allowed to do whatever they want with their money. So are yours. If yours chose to give it to you (and by extensions your DH), that’s their shout. Would you want your husband “controlling” what your parents do with their cash by not allowing them to give it to you simply because he didn’t and won’t get any from his? Inheritances are about the giver 99% of the time.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/10/2023 23:25

EE1980 · 01/10/2023 23:23

@Aquamarine1029 Ive my own money and property. I work in a professional job but at home with DH and his family there are things you don't say or talk about and that includes money and people you don't like.

This makes it all even more pitiful. You're an independent woman yet still put up with such ridiculous, abusive behaviour. What a shame.

Catastrophejane · 01/10/2023 23:26

EE1980 · 01/10/2023 23:23

@Aquamarine1029 Ive my own money and property. I work in a professional job but at home with DH and his family there are things you don't say or talk about and that includes money and people you don't like.

It’s interesting that you say they are a happy family and all get on well…it doesn’t sound like it to me. This sounds like a toxic dynamic which is masked by superficial politeness.

I bet FIL is a controlling nasty bastard.

SemperIdem · 01/10/2023 23:26

Dottymug · 01/10/2023 23:23

This is illegal in Scotland, so I take it you're not there. Weird that it isn't illegal in England too. It's so wrong.

English and Welsh law is strange in allowing this.

There are workarounds Scottish law though, they have even been mentioned on the thread. It it not a case that Scottish law only allows equal shares. France is another country that doesn’t allow disinheriting children, I don’t know the ins and outs but expect there are ways to favour one over another there too.

Mirabai · 01/10/2023 23:26

EE1980 · 01/10/2023 23:19

It's left to one child so that it remains in the family. Not a farm. What it means in reality though is that the person who inherits just rents out the property and gets an income.

If he’s umc and it’s a house + land then it’s normal, primogeniture is how the aristocracy kept the large estates together in this country.

However, if this were the case DH would have been aware.

Tbry · 01/10/2023 23:26

Also now I have reread all of this what about your MIL? If she outlives her husband it would be normal that everything goes to her? So this Will will somehow circumvent that and it all goes to her son? Where is she supposed to live and on what income?

Also if you are feeling controlled or feel that you could be threatened with divorce this is not a happy family at all. Also it is not OK that your parents help you buy a home whilst your DH has not contributed towards the deposit. He should not be willing to take your parents money.

Something does not sound right at all with all of these things.

Longdarkcloud · 01/10/2023 23:27

OP, have I got this right: Widow is left a life interest in Testator’s realty and chattels etc with other son getting the remainder after her death?
Does MIL own any property? She presumably owns a half share of the matrimonial property so FIL can dispose of only his half share if he predeceases his wife.
Has MIL got a will? Is she totally under the thrall of her husband?