FiL asked me to check his will

[EE1980]

I'm not a probate lawyer

FiL asked me to check that his will reflects his intentions. He'd got a probate lawyer to draft it.

I asked him if he was sure he wanted me to check it. I pointed out I didn't do probate and being married to his son means I'm not independent.

He said he was fine with me reviewing it.

So he has left everything to his eldest son (not my husband). The house and land and furniture. Not one thing set aside my husband - nothing sentimental.

They're all very close and loving so not fall out. My husband is hurt. Will never say he is. Loves his parents and wouldn't want anything from them (though happy to take from mine).

Was it a bit unreasonable for my FiL to ask me to review his will when my husband os left out completely?

The change of will suited the sister very well and 7 years later, she remains living in her mother's house and she and my husband remain estranged.

In fact, she did not even let my husband know that his mother had died. A friend of hers phone my husband with the news that his mother had died a few days before and she felt he had a right to know. Then his sister tried to prevent him from attending the funeral by making it a private funeral and instructing the funeral directors not to give out the details. She changed her mind about this a few days later after the funeral directors had spoken to her and did give us the details but by then he had decided he would not attend, in any case.

I agree, I think this whole thing was designed to humiliate. It was a way of keeping the ops dh under control and her quiet. It is the ultimate power. This is such coercive behaviour, almost text book!

I think you done the right thing not reacting.

If this man is abusive/wanted to enjoy seeing you/DH being upset, then not reacting or saying anything is the best thing you could have done!

There is quite a few assumptions being made here The first assumption is that the husband will be devastated,,- maybe - maybe not. The second is that the husband and the FIl have not discussed this before. The FIL may have had the OP read the will to put her on notice. He may have assumed that his son had not shared this information with the OP. The third is that both brothers have been privy to FIl's plans ,understand his kborationale,and are in perfect agreement.

The OP's husband may have been annoyed that FIL shared information with the OP that he himself had for his own reasons had chosen not to share.

My conjecture may be far off the mark, but so may be the supposition that the ops husband may be devastated or did not already know the plans

FIL is capable enough to have assets to be distributed, and he was savvy enough to have the proper legal documents drawn up. Does that sound like a man who would not have had some prior conversations with his sons? A man who pays attention to detail and manages his assets well does not really sound like a man who would play some half assed game to convey important information to his son.

Does their last name start with an H?

@Mari9999 It doesn't sound likely that FIL had already discussed it with OP's husband. She said that her husband has only mentioned the will once since she was asked to "check" it, and that was to say that he thought his father had got it wrong.
So it sounds like he was blindsided too, but won't say anything.

@FictionalCharacter
Saying that he thought his father got it wrong does not suggest that he did not know. It only indicates that this is the first conversation that he had with the OP on the subject.

Saying that his father got it wrong sounds more like his is privy to his father 's rationale and that there has been some discussion with his dad. The OP says that her husband's family is a close knit loving family. That suggests that perhaps they communicate with each other.

Who knows? But it certainly did not sound as though the husband was devastated . it sounds as through what ever the reason it is something that that has been discussed.

I'll never understand how people can do this to their children.

Is it a substantial amount and is the Brother poorer? This is usually the logic given. Which I still think is wrong.

@EE1980
Does your husband brother know?

But it was, you were asked to review it so you had the perfect opportunity to say “you appear to have left everything to BIL and nothing to DH, is that correct?”

It’s a weird situation @EE1980 and I think you recognise that.

This getting you to check the will is the weirdest part imo, more so than the beneficiaries.
It was a way of letting you know what’s happening, he didn’t want you to check it, he wanted you to read it.

There’s more going on here than you know or you’re letting on. This situation has brought it to the forefront of your mind and now you’re questioning other things. From what you’ve said, this is a good thing

Possibly. But OP said
at home with DH and his family there are things you don't say or talk about and that includes money and people you don't like.
which made me think her FIL and DH had not already discussed it.

@EE1980 you don't have a fil problem, you have a husband problem.
Please talk to someone in real life not just on here, though you are getting great advice on here.
Have you a friend or sibling, a cousin, Mum or Dad or aunt you could confide in ?

You sound so sad and defeated.

Families can be weird and secretive about money especially if they perceive that they are wealthier than other members of the same family.

There can be a belief that talking about money is impolite.

It is possible that getting OP to 'check the will' was FIL's cackhanded attempt to try and start a conversation about what to do with their estate.

As soon as parents start going 'off piste' (ie not simply leaving estate split between offspring) they are on track to leaving behind a mess for the executors to sort out.

This is what my DM is hell bent on doing. Estate to be split between GCs (all adults) but because one GC will never be able to live independently it will all go into a trust to be administered by her offspring.

I don't know why you agreed to "review" it in the first place.

I'm a lawyer but not Private Client. I wouldn't agree to review someone's Will or TR1 or something outside my practice area, because I'd have no idea whether they were effective or not. Even if it was my practice area I wouldn't want to get involved. Dodgy on insurance grounds.

It was cruel of the FiL, but you willingly went along with the whole charade.

You now know though, so it's up to you and your DH as to how this effects your relationship with them.

@beetlebalong but OP was not asked to check the validity of the Will but to check if it was in accord with FIL’s wishes. And anyway, it transpires hid motives were not genuine at all.
I have often been asked to peruse draft wills to check it is what the intended testator wants but none of the parties expects that I am responsible for drawing up the will.
BTW I’m not familiar with legal Ed in this country but surely it must cover wills etc and what is possible and what is not in accordance with common law?

Your FIL sounds very cruel. I'm so sorry you don't have anyone IRL to talk to. If this happened to DH and I we would talk about it, express anger or amusement/bemusement. That would, I think, be normal. The people who write on here are the extremes and the people asking for advice because they know something is wrong.

Your 'D'H doesn't sound like a good partner. Maybe use it as a chance to review what you want from life? Will you DH become your FIL? Are you happy living like this for the rest of your life? Think of what you've done before- when were you happy?

My FIL did ask me what I thought he should do with his assets when he died and I said enjoy as much of it as you can when you're alive and don't worry about any of us. We're doing fine because all your kids have been set up to be independent and are doing well. There is no need for guilt or who deserves what. We're happy to have you around. It doesn't sound like that's something you could have said to your FIL?

@EE1980 the weirdness of this, your husbands reaction and your comment that DH is happy to spend your parents money makes me extremely suspicious that this has been staged, possibly only your husbands request, in order to hide money from you when they die.

How did/ Where did the fil get the land? Did he inherit it? Has it been in the family for generations? Did he ever farm it? What’s it used for?

I definitely think it is his underhanded way of letting you know. Are there any other children or just DH and his brother? Are they well off old money people , and this been the way it is always done in his family?
Well at least now you know and can plan your retirement knowing you won't get any extra from them.
All I can say is if they end up going into a care home they money may end up paying for it anyway.

Your life and your relationship sounds toxic. Forget FIL and DH's odd relationship, that is their problem. How are you thriving in a life where you can't speak your mind to your spouse, because you're afraid to be a single mum?

Why are you invested in this panto on behalf of a man who controls you so thoroughly? The man who threatens to divorce you, is sad, because his father left him nothing? Well, diddums. Seems father and son are equally manipulative. I would back out and leave them to their games.

Is it possible your DH has borrowed large sums of money from them, presently or in the past or even ongoing unbeknownst to you, and they have justified it by saying his brother will get left the house? I wonder if that is why they want you to see it and why he is so hell bent on you saying nothing?

Its not ok and not normal to fear that your dh would unilaterally divorce you for a discussion of family finances.

I'm outraged to read that your "dh" has plans to buy a camper van with your inheritance. Is this what you want to? How dare he! It is your inheritance, not his, it is your decision on what to spend it on/save it. He won't let you talk about his family's money but is very happy to spend your family's money. What a prize git 😡
It doesn't sound like a loving, close family to me. His parents sound cruel & your h sounds controlling.

I’ve been thinking about this because at one stage I worked as a will writer.

I’d do the marketing and visit the customer and find out their wishes, then it went to a firm of lawyers for drafting etc, then I’d go back to get it signed etc.

It never deviated from one of three ways:

1. Most of the family were sat round the table while mum and dad discussed it openly with at least the first generation kids, and it was all open book.
2. Couple would meet together and discuss it openly.
3. An individual would meet (even if married) and specify their wishes.

in the second two cases the wills weren’t usually discussed with anyone else.

I have to say that never in the years that I did it was a child written out. There were issues with drug / gambling amongst children so they couldn’t be given direct cash and sometimes in those situations they didn’t get their “full share” but they usually got a share which was held in an asset allocation trust and controlled by other siblings, or others of a more sturdy demeanour if it was felt that the siblings would easily be bullied to release the money or something.

The whole thing stinks to high heaven. Not the fact that he left nothing, but the fact that he wanted you to read it. It’s almost like they don’t like you and want to clear you out. And it’s not just the FIL, the MIL was in on it as well.

Furthermore, grandchildren would usually be provided even if there weren’t any. In addition to that you could ensure that only your “genetic” grandchildren were included as opposed to one’s acquired by a siblings marriage into a family.

There is a mechanism to do almost anything you want to do.

Whats odd to me is there are no trusts. With an estate of any significance, or any amount really, if you got proper advice there would be a couple of trusts written into it for the beneficiaries.

In a straightforward will, on the passing of the testator the assets drop to the beneficiaries, and that happens whether or not the beneficiaries themselves are going / have gone bankrupt / are getting divorced / have financial problems. Ie the money would drop straight into a black hole and be lost.

This is dealt with quite easily and cheaply (I charged £300 each) by creating a trust in the will for each beneficiary. Each beneficiary was the trustee of their own trust. This meant that when the testator passed, their share of the money did NOT pass straight into the estate of the child / beneficiary, it was “held in mid air” and so could could not be included in their assets if they were divorcing or bankrupt etc. The beneficiary didn’t actually own the money, it was in a trust for them.

The whole thing is a nasty blunt instrument move for some reason like they don’t like you.

are there any children anywhere?

Bear in mind also that if a testator dies, and you can’t find the will / someone has torn it up then it doesn’t exist and the whole thing gets divided and get the kids as usual.

TheRe could also be another will signed 5 minutes after this one which says something completely different.

It’s strange that they went to see a professional and came out with a cheap amd nasty will that didn’t really provide any protection for the other beneficiary either. There’s no protection built in for him and with what they appear to have done they would definitely have wanted to do that.

so the whole thing stinks.