FiL asked me to check his will

[EE1980]

I'm not a probate lawyer

FiL asked me to check that his will reflects his intentions. He'd got a probate lawyer to draft it.

I asked him if he was sure he wanted me to check it. I pointed out I didn't do probate and being married to his son means I'm not independent.

He said he was fine with me reviewing it.

So he has left everything to his eldest son (not my husband). The house and land and furniture. Not one thing set aside my husband - nothing sentimental.

They're all very close and loving so not fall out. My husband is hurt. Will never say he is. Loves his parents and wouldn't want anything from them (though happy to take from mine).

Was it a bit unreasonable for my FiL to ask me to review his will when my husband os left out completely?

I would have aswell

Could be that your DH , unbeknown to him, is not his biological son.

Could be old fashioned everything goes to eldest child.

Could be that something else is going on , like being pressured, and trying to let you know especially if it’s a field you work in.

Or finally could be, if this was a more toxic or difficult family, he’s letting you know now then going to sit back and see who does what? Like a test and then may alter the will based upon the outcome?

it all depends on the type of person he is and the type of relationship he has with his children.

You mention land op - is it a farm that traditionally passes down to the eldest son?

Just can't get my head round you not expressing your surprise 🤷‍♀️

It can't be contested if op knew in advance that this was fil's intentions. That's another reason for this awkward way of letting op and her dh know in advance.

I agree with pp that "old fashioned" doesn't cut it, even titled families have been giving disposable assets to younger sons for hundreds of years.

This strikes me more as Fil either getting off on a cruel power trip or thinking he's oh so posh and old-money by doing this, not understanding it's just really not done.

Either way. If I were op's dh I'd quietly and swiftly go low contact.

Farming family?

Has he maybe already helped your dh financially?

but agree with everyone else- did you ask him if he realised he has cut your dh out completely? And check that is what he wants?

Why don’t you say to either FIL or MIL: ‘I was surprised DH isn’t in the Will when you asked me to review it. Why is that? I’m
sure DH will like to know one day’ That’s totally your place and will save at least some of the hurt for your DH if there is a reason. If there is no reason other than to be nasty, then at least your DH can reconsider having contact with them…

You absolutely must stand up for yourselves. Or things will just happen to you. Because people can. You let them.

You both need to sit down with MIL/FIL and say: look we were too shocked to say anything at the time, but why are you not leaving your stuff equally to your children? If they say it's their business, you say NO it isn't because you asked me to look at it and you knew that would expose the contents to us. So please explain why you would hurt us like this.

You both need to bloody well say it, not pussyfoot around. You sound too nice. This world is full of people who aren't nice and they eat nice people for breakfast.

@EE1980 your husband and you reacted graciously and that is good.

He may very well have been testing you both.

He may be doing the same to your BIL.

He may then decide who to leave it to or how to divide it based on separate reactions. Who knows?

I would NOT question it. I'd leave it be.

I have a relative who kicked off about a Will, so his Dad went round to the solicitors and wrote him out the next day. To this day (decades later), he doesn't speak to half of his siblings.

At least now, you and DH know you get nothing, and if your FIL just happens to change the Will before his death and leave you something, then think of that as an unexpected gift.

ETA My DH and I know how you feel, as my DH has been written out of his parent's Will. It hurts, it really does. But I think maintaining your dignity by respecting their wishes and staying silent on the matter is best, in my opinion.

My first thought was farmers too. It's brutal but quite common.

Not a farm
.Husband definitely biological son.

I wanted to ask or say it was unfair but I knew DH would be really angry with me if I did. I knew they all would. You don't ask that sort of thing where I'm living.

In my family we're really open and fair. Eve thing is split equally. It weird that my parents have given me and DH a little money for a house deposit and DH happy to take money from my parents but different story with his parents. You don't criticise, you don't challenge and you do t talk about money.

Felt surreal sitting round kitchen table with me reading a will my DH was not mentioned in not even once.

Are they farmers? This is the only time I've heard of that happening. Otherwise I think I'd speak to my FIL and say that my husband was hurt and humiliated by the will and was that his intention?

I'd have to say something, try to keep it factual...

'Did you intend to leave everything to X, you understand that by cutting Y out entirely this is contestable?'

Then just let that hang - or, say nothing and contest it at the time, if you feel that way inclined.

Seems pretty cunty behaviour from FIL and if I were his non-benefiting child I would be reluctant to lift a finger to help the miserly old scroat.

I would have asked him if it was his intention to leave everything to the eldest child and if he said yes, I'd have said it was a very unusual thing to do and that most people would at least leave an item of sentimental value or a piece of furniture or something to the other children — had he thought of doing something like that?

Surely he can't dictate from behind the grave what his wife does if he dies first? He can express his wishes, but if he dies first and everything goes to your MIL then she's the one to decide where what is now her estate goes. I know my own mother made a deed of variation when my dad died and left her everything: she passed on some of the money to me and my brother and sister.

Are you due to inherit a major amount of money, OP? Is that why your FIL has behaved so cruelly? I had a cousin who married a woman who was an only child with wealthy parents and grandparents. Over the years she's inherited several million. Understandably my aunt and uncle wrote him out of their will and left their (modest) estates to his siblings.

If not, I don't think you've married into a happy normal family. Decent parents don't favour one child in this way.

This is clearly very odd and your in laws sound superficially nice but actually deeply unpleasant. Your husband sounds scared of them.

I assume from your comments you aren’t I. The UK? Where are you based?

@ReadingSoManyThreads - I don't think anyone's suggesting 'kicking off'', just asking a simple and perfectly reasonable question.

I don't understand why you didn't question it. I would it it was my family or DP's. Absolutely bizarre to not say, "why did you make that choice?" And if it's some sort of sick test then I would rather know and not get the money. I wouldn't see them again if it was a test.

@grumpycow1's advice is excellent. Do that now.

Is there only DH and his brother?
That is really odd, I assume they were asking you to check it so your DH knows what's in it - maybe they were expecting him to say something.

Just seen this update. This is not a nice, happy family that you've married into.

Are you in the UK? Could this be cultural?

@ReadingSoManyThreads thanks. We honestly wouldn't want anything. We've a roof over our heads and can pay our bills we've never asked or expected anything from anyone. Anyone going we have been given has been a bonus. I think it was just the act of getting me to check the will in front of DH that was odd. DH and FIL are super close. DH is the best son to him. Wants and asks for nothing just loves and respects his dad. Which is lovely. Will won't be changed and wasn't a test I think.

Thanks all. Sometimes good to get a sense check. DH won't talk to me about it. Thinks I'm being awful about his dad if I do and gets very defensive about his dad so it's a no go.

Have you told Dh? Does he know? If I were him I'd never forgive you for such a betrayal. Do you intend on telling him. I hope you do. Else I'd be divorcing you as soon as I found out.

In the uk

I don't know how you sleep at night. I couldn't live with myself.

It was just that comment you made about "where you are living" that made me wonder.

It sounds really cruel to me.