FiL asked me to check his will

[EE1980]

I'm not a probate lawyer

FiL asked me to check that his will reflects his intentions. He'd got a probate lawyer to draft it.

I asked him if he was sure he wanted me to check it. I pointed out I didn't do probate and being married to his son means I'm not independent.

He said he was fine with me reviewing it.

So he has left everything to his eldest son (not my husband). The house and land and furniture. Not one thing set aside my husband - nothing sentimental.

They're all very close and loving so not fall out. My husband is hurt. Will never say he is. Loves his parents and wouldn't want anything from them (though happy to take from mine).

Was it a bit unreasonable for my FiL to ask me to review his will when my husband os left out completely?

I think he asked you to check it to let you know your DH wasn't being left anything.

I think you’re both within your right to say ‘we’ve reviewed the will, was it your intention to cut Xxx out?’. I’d innocently flag it as an error. Unless there’s some other context, like your husbands brother is destitute and you/your husband are horrifically wealthy? If the latter is the case, you’ve been given it to read for your sign off on the matter.

Of course it was your place

@AgnesX No, it wasn't. When someone asks 'Does this document reflect my intentions accurately?' they're not asking 'Are my intentions to your liking?'

OP's opinion of who he should leave his money to is neither here nor there, any more than it would have been if he'd split it all evenly and OP felt that it should all be left to her husband.

I would have asked if they understand the implications of this , your FIL may have some reasoning in his head for this , but needs to here it from another point of view .

I’m at a loss as to understand why a parent would do this.
Nasty old man. 😡

This is wise advice @EE1980 , you have time, you are a professional and have a supportive family. You can (and should) do this. At a pace that suits you, but do it all the same.

do your family know just how bad your relationship is?

My own mum was one of 7 children.
Everything was left to the eldest.
The other 6 left to make their own way in the world.
This was southern Ireland.
All 7 left everything to their eldest.
Cultural ways.

He is very compliant to them but definitely not with me (not saying he should be) but he's a different character with them - John boy from the Waltons and yet with me he doesn't give an inch.

The whole dynamic within your DH's family and between you and your DH sounds completely fucked up. Bear in mind when you read about relationships on MN you're reading about the bad ones. People don't start threads saying 'I have a happy and loving relationship. We treat each other with respect and care, we talk and we share everything equally. AIBU?'

As part of this oddity, it seems that your FIL is re-enacting what happened to him precisely as some kind of petty revenge, even though the revenge is being enacted on the wrong person. He can't get back at his own father but he can kick down instead. And then your H can't speak out against his father, but he can hold the line against you.

You sound utterly ground down OP and the sad thing is how much you've normalised this.

They really are not!

Why on earth wouldn’t you say “I’ve reviewed it and you appear to have left everything to only one child, is that what you asked the lawyer to do?”

This is a power play by FIL. He's looking for a reaction for some reason. What a weird thing to do (both leaving everything to one child, and then getting other child/DIL to confirm that's what he did).

Friend of ours tells a similar story - eldest son left the farm, second son sent off to the church, third son given a train ticket to Dublin! Not that long either in the grand scheme of things…

This has happened before in our family. The reason you are being asked to see it is so that if you don’t say anything, it is taken as you being ok with it. For the love of god, go back to him and tell him your feelings. It is obviously unfair and may cause a rift in the family.

If you don’t say anything your fil will think everything is alright - and this will be your fault for not bringing it up. He has brought it up with you - albeit in a cack- handed way - and you refused to engage (I get the politeness thing but it really is your business, or your DH’s anyway). This decision is on you now, so go back and speak with him, find out what is going on, and explain your DH’s feelings.

In our family, the weird will stuff happened around the same time as the dementia diagnosis. Loss of cognitive capacity can cause some strange decisions to be made.

I hope it all works out for you. Good luck.

But your FIL has just made a statement to yo and your DH about money in the most dramatic and painful way possible.

What stood out for me in one of your posts @EE1980 was you said, starkly "....I am controlled..."

Is there anyone near who can help you ?
I know you said your family live far away. Have they any idea of your circumstances?

He has done something really manipulative...

He purposely asked you to do this knowing you might then feel the need to share it with your husband.

No one in a close or loving family would do this...

Could your Fil be being financially abused by your Bil and ‘encouraged’ to leave all to him? Maybe it was your Fil’s way of letting you know and seeking support?

@EE1980 Gosh that's a shock- what an unpleasant family.

IF they wanted the house and land to be rented out, and ''Remain in the family'' they could EASILY have shared the rents between the two brothers.

Who pays the inheritance tax? Usually the property has to be sold to help pay that.

Dysfunctional family by the sounds of it.

@EE1980 On train so can't read past page 3 but does your husband's brother know about the will and that he is the sole person to inherit? If so, could he have a word with his father?

Maybe this is just traditional for his family and everything passes to the first son? I'd hope then that the first son would be expected to distribute things fairly?

I would have asked outright why he wasn't leaving money to one of his sons, my place or not.

OP, I totally agree with @Tbry and others. Your marriage sounds awful, really cold and oppressive. You're afraid of your DH and his family and speaking up for yourself. Bullying can be silent and coercive, not overt. You are taught that any attempt to assert yourself will be met with harsh consequences. You should be able to say what you think and feel without fear of repercussions, and your DH should engage with your concerns.

Your DH's family are not 'close' and 'loving' at all. They might pretend they are, and keep up that experience, but you have now directly experienced their manipulation and cruelty. Loving people would never behave in this way. They would discuss their wishes and concerns openly, and take on board yours and Your DH's without fear of punishment or reprisals.

This is normal in my family. Land is always passed down to the eldest son so that it stays in the family and isn’t split up. This is what will happen in my family. As long as my brother keeps the land together and passes it on I’m ok with it.Is your husband not mentioned at all in the will?

No inheritance tax on agricultural land. Why do you think Dyson is now one of the biggest land owners in the Uk?
Tax dodging 101 when you have his means.

If you’re not from a farming background then it’s difficult to comprehend that all the land goes to one person. They’re never supposed to sell it. They’re essentially just caretakers for the next generation.
I won’t inherit any of my family land but my husband will inherit his.

I thought OP said it wasn't a farm?

But I didn't know that about agricultural land... Bloody hell!

That's scandalous.